iWill Always Love You
by StoryTeller125
Summary: Carly Shay needs help when she suffers from a serious mental illness. Can she count on her family and friends? How will everyone's lives change and go on in the aftermath. Rated M for discussion of rape and suicide attempt.
1. The Beginning

"Come on Carls, it'll be fun." Sam Puckett implored her best friend to get out of bed and actually leave her bedroom. "This is the last night the carnival is going to be here."

"You go on without me Sam. I'm not really feeling up to it." Carly's voice was tired and still a little sad.

It was the second week of July, July 10th to be exact, and Carly had barely left her bedroom in the last two weeks since she had broken up with her last boyfriend, Derek. She had been dating him for two months and things seemed to be going very well. Besides being quite handsome; Derek was polite, kind and generous. Spencer and Sam adored him. Freddie was a little standoffish at first, but before long even he came to like Derek as well. Derek understood that Freddie had had a crush on Carly which may have still been lingering. Instead of being threatened by Freddie or condescending towards him, Derek took the initiative and won Freddie over as his friend.

It was a shock to everyone when Carly said that she had broken up with him. She hadn't given any reasons, just announced it to Spencer, Sam and Freddie in the loft when the subject of Derek had come up. Since then she had spent all of her time holed up in her bedroom. Sometimes she came downstairs to get something to eat; but she immediately took the food right back upstairs. It was obvious that she wasn't doing it often enough, however, as she seemed noticeably thinner to Spencer when he did see her.

Spencer knew that breakups were hard and he wanted to give Carly space and time to grieve, but he did grow concerned. He stopped relying on her to feed herself and brought her meals to her. He always found her under the covers of her bed, her comforter pulled up close to her chin, almost as if she were hiding from something. He tried to engage her in conversation, especially about the breakup, but she didn't volunteer any information. She just replied that she had to break up with him in the same flat monotone she used to reply to all of his entreaties.

Eventually Spencer gave up and turned to Sam for help. He thought that maybe Carly would be more willing to talk to her best friend than to her older brother. Sam, for her part, was willing to take up the challenge; thus Sam's attempt to get Carly to go to the carnival.

"You don't seem to be up to doing anything. Come on Carly, you've got to leave this room sometime. The Summer is wasting away."

"I'll live, besides I don't feel like having fun right now. I only just broke up with Derek."

"You broke up with him two weeks ago, and by the way, you still haven't told me why you broke up with him."

"I don't want to talk about it." Carly's voice was flat now instead of sad.

"You should talk about it Carls, at least with me, your best friend. What happened? Did he do something I need to beat him up for?" Sam was joking about that last part, trying to get Carly to cheer up at least a little bit.

"No, you don't have to beat him up."

"Then why did you break up with him? Keep in mind that I am not going to give up on this. I am going to hound you day and night until you give me the info that I want."

Carly sighed, she really didn't want to talk about it, but Sam could be quite the pit-bull when she wanted. She realized that Sam would hound her until she told her. Carly exhaled and began, "Derek and I had only gotten to second base in our relationship. I wasn't comfortable going any farther. Derek wanted to go further than I was willing. He was going to force me to..to go all the way. He was going to hurt me and make me…" Carly's voice trailed off.

"He was going to rape you?" Sam interjected. She was stunned beyond belief; Derek didn't seem like the kind of guy who would do that to anyone, let alone Carly whom he seemed to adore. "Are you sure about that Carly? How do you know?"

"I overheard him telling someone about it. I was scared to death, I told him it was over and that I didn't want to see him ever again. I ran out as fast as I could and have been here in this room pretty much ever since."

Sam was flabbergasted. This is the last thing she would have expected, the absolute last thing, no wonder Carly wouldn't come out of her room. "Are you ok? Do you need a hug, do you need to cry?"

Carly's voice was still rather flat and emotionless, which seemed a little odd to Sam now that she thought about it, considering what Carly had just told her. "No, I just need to time to get over it."

"Cupcake, how about coming with me to the carnival? If you're afraid of seeing Derek I promise to protect you. Who could make a better bodyguard than an invisible ninja?" Sam smiled over at Carly. She was relieved when Carly returned her smile, the first real emotion she had seen in her since asking her to leave her room.

"Well, if you promise not to leave my side it's a deal." Carly pushed the covers off of her and swung her legs around the side of the bed. She would need time to take a shower and do something with her hair. Her body odor was quite rank, she couldn't remember when she had last taken a shower.

"Great, but you have to promise me you'll take a good shower first. Invisible ninja or no, you smell terrible."

* * *

Sam was flipping through one of Carly's fashion magazines in the bedroom waiting for Carly to finish with her hair in the bathroom that was adjacent to her bedroom. She heard Carly say something to her as she turned off the hair dryer. "What was that Carls? I didn't hear you."

"I asked you to repeat what you said to me, I couldn't hear you over the hair dryer," Carly called back.

"I didn't say anything. You must be hearing things."

"I suppose." Carly said as she came out of the bathroom wearing just her bra and panties.

Sam looked over at Carly and was surprised at what she saw. The last time she had seen Carly without all of her clothes was in their last gym class of the school year maybe five weeks earlier. She looked considerably skinnier than she had then. She wasn't quite emaciated, but Sam was a little concerned. As Carly started putting on a pair of skinny jeans and a penny tee, Sam remarked, "No arguments, you are eating a ton of junk food tonight. Even if I have to pay for it myself."

Carly finished getting dressed and put on a pair of sneakers. "Is something the matter Sam? You can tell me anything." Carly's voice was quite concerned.

Sam was surprised by Carly's tone. "No, why do you ask?"

"I can't remember you ever offering to buy someone else food. I just thought maybe you were dying or something." Carly started smirking.

Sam got the joke and started laughing. "Keep it up with that razor-sharp wit Shay and see what happens. Come on let's go." She led Carly out of the bedroom and down the stairs to the first floor.

"Is Freddie coming with us?" Carly asked.

"You've been out of it for a while, haven't you? Freddie's been at his aunt's in Idaho all week. I think he's supposed to come back tomorrow."

The girls passed behind Spencer who was spread out on the couch watching the latest installment of Elephant Love. "Catch you later big bro, me and Sam are going to the carnival."

"Cool. Here," Spencer grabbed his wallet and went over to the two girls and gave them each twenty dollars, "Grab some high-calorie junk food on me, and have fun. Be home by 11:00, ok?" Carly and Sam left and Spencer sat back down on the couch feeling much better about things. It was good that Carly was getting out of the loft, let alone her bedroom, and some junk food might actually do her some good. She was looking way too skinny.

* * *

Carly and Sam arrived at the carnival and debated what to do first; eat or go on rides. Sam was hungry and wanted to eat; Carly was being a little more logical and wanted to go on rides first. She didn't want to deal with a vomiting Sam. Carly's logic won out and they got into the line for tickets.

Sam was determined to start breaking Carly out of her funk. She knew Carly really liked Derek, but it had been a few weeks and she couldn't mope forever. Sam scanned the area while they were waiting for their turn. She spotted a couple of guys she thought were cute and pointed them out to Carly. "Those guys are cute, aren't they? Want to go say hello?" They noticed Sam motioning to them and smiled back. Sam returned their smile, but Carly just looked down at the ground.

"No Sam, we don't know them. It's too soon." Carly continued looking at the ground. "I know, I'm being careful. I won't let them."

"What Carls?" Sam wasn't sure what Carly was saying at the end there.

"It's nothing Sam. Look, it's our turn." They had gotten to the front of the line.

After purchasing enough tickets to go on a few rides apiece they made their way over to the nearest stomach-churning ride. Carly was a little nervous, as usual, but Sam was like a little kid on Christmas. She loved the carnival and any kind of amusement park ride.

They waited patiently for their turn on the ride. Carly spoke up, "Sam, the guy that sold us the tickets, did you get a creepy vibe from him?"

"No, not really, he just took our money and gave us our tickets. Didn't seem unusual to me."

"I didn't like the way he looked at me." Carly's voice was getting flat again.

**_That man wants to hurt you. He wants to rape you. He wants to kill you._**

Carly couldn't get the thought out of her head. It was like someone was speaking right into her skull. Eventually their turn came and the thought left once the ride started. She enjoyed the thrill of the ride somewhat, while Sam of course screamed her head off. As they left the ride the operator smiled at them and wished them a good night.

**_He is going to hurt you. He is going to rape you. He is going to kill you._**

Same wished him a good night back while Carly turned and walked away quickly, not daring to glance back at the man. Sam caught up with her. "What's the matter? Everything ok?"

"No Sam. The ride operator, he..he is not a good person. I think he wants to hurt us. I don't trust him." Her voice was slightly panicky.

"Carly, the man is in his early 60's and has been giving everyone a friendly smile and gesture. What makes you think he wants to hurt us?"

"I..I just know. Come on I want to get away from him."

Sam sighed, she thought Derek must have really done a number on Carly. "Let's get something quick to eat. Maybe your blood sugar is low."

They each got a funnel cake, with extra powdered sugar on Sam's of course, and sat down to eat. They chatted about this and that when the two boys Sam spied in the ticket line approached. Sam looked up and smiled, Carly just looked straight ahead.

"Hi, my name's Jason and this is my friend Donny. We saw you earlier in the ticket line."

"I'm Sam and this is my friend Carly. Do you guys live around here?"

It was Donny who answered, "No. We go to Seattle North High. We just finished our Junior year. What about you?"

"Me and Carly live in the neighborhood, We're going to be Juniors next year at Ridgeway."

**_They are going to hurt you! They are going to rape you! They are going to kill you! They are going to hurt you! They are going to rape you! They are going to kill you!_**

They voice was screaming inside her head now. She looked at Jason and Donny and panicked. It was true; they were going to rape and kill her. She got up quickly and ran away as fast as she could.

Sam got up and quickly apologized, "Carly's not well. She just went through a rough breakup. Maybe we'll see you around." She took off after Carly who was running away as fast as she could. She finally caught up to Carly, out of breath, about a block away from Bushwell Plaza. "What's your problem Shay?" Sam managed to eke out between gasps of breath.

"They were going to kill us. Didn't you hear?" Carly took off again for Bushwell. Sam caught up with her again outside the front doors.

"Carls, are you ok? Be honest, please." Sam was really worried now.

"I need to get upstairs where I'm safe. Please let me go upstairs, please." Her voice was pleading now.

"Ok cupcake. We'll go upstairs. We can watch a couple of DVD's. How does that sound?" She was trying to keep her voice as calm as possible.

"Thanks Sam."

The girls made their way upstairs and back into the loft. Spencer was surprised to see them back so early. Sam explained that they decided to stay in and watch a couple of movies. Spencer didn't protest as Sam picked out a couple of movies and Carly made punch and popcorn.

As they waited for the freight elevator, Carly called over to Spencer, "We'll be in the studio if you need us."

_

* * *

_Sam woke up the next morning in the iCarly studio. They had laid out sleeping bags to sleep in before the second movie. Sam glanced at her cell phone, it was a little after nine in the morning. She didn't see Carly in her sleeping bag. Thinking she must have already gotten up, Sam took the stairs down to the first floor after a quick bathroom break.

She found Spencer at the kitchen computer drinking a cup of coffee. "Is Carly down here?"

"No, I haven't seen her yet. What happened last night, you two came back from the carnival awfully early?"

"I wish I knew. I guess Carly wasn't ready yet. I'll go try and find her. Maybe she went back to her room to sleep." Sam headed back up the stairs.

She entered Carly's room; she noticed Carly's bed was still in the same shape it was in when they left. She didn't think Carly had slept there. She peeked into the bathroom and saw it was empty; she was about to leave when she noticed Carly in the corner of the room. There was a gap in the far corner of the room that was formed by Carly's dresser and book shelf. The opening wasn't huge, but there was enough room for one normal-sized person to fit inside. Sam came around to get a better look. Carly was there now, sitting on the floor with her knees drawn up to her chin. She had fallen asleep in that position; her head was resting against the side of the dresser.

Sam knelt down in front of Carly and gently shook her shoulder to wake her up. Carly awoke with a start. "Where…what…" She looked around confused. "Did I sleep here?"

"I don't know when you came in here. You fell asleep last night in the studio with me. What's the matter Carls? You're worrying me."

"I'm so tired. I need more sleep. Please let me sleep." Carly's voice was tired.

Sam stood up and held out her hand to help Carly up. Carly took it and let Sam lead her over to the bed. Carly got in and pulled the covers snugly over herself. Sam lied down next to her on top of the covers. She thought that, right at that moment, Carly looked so sad and pathetic. She stroked Carly's hair and started to sing her a lullaby. Within a few minutes Carly fell sound asleep; Sam put her head down on the pillow and fell asleep with her.

* * *

It was almost one in the afternoon. Sam and Carly came down the stairs together, both freshly showered and dressed. After last night and the episode that morning, Sam considered it a minor miracle that she had been able to get Carly up, cleaned and dressed.

Spencer was chopping and cutting vegetables for a soup he was going to make for dinner that night. He put the large knife down when he heard Sam and Carly. "Rise and shine ladies. How are we feeling today?" Before they could answer Freddie walked into the loft.

"Hey Spencer, you ready to bring that stuff up from your storage space?" Spencer had called Freddie earlier after he had returned home to ask for his help moving some things up to the loft. "Oh, hi Sam, Carly."

"How was Idaho, Frednub?"

"It was fine Sam. How was your week? Did you manage to stay out of Juvie?" Freddie smirked.

"I did, thank you for asking. Tell you what, why don't I go down with Spencer and help with that stuff. I'm not sure you're strong enough to handle it." In truth, Sam wanted to talk to Spencer about Carly without Carly present. She gave Freddie a look that said not to argue. Freddie took the hint.

"No problem. I don't want to get in the way of you doing some actual manual labor. I'll hang out here with Carly."

Spencer and Sam took the freight elevator down to the basement. Carly asked Freddie if he wanted some juice. He nodded yes and Carly got the pitcher out of the fridge while Freddie got a couple glasses. They stood next to each other drinking their juice silently.

_**Freddie is going to hurt you! Freddie is going to rape you! Freddie is going to kill you.**_

The voice came back into Carly's head. She didn't want to hear it; of course Freddie wasn't going to hurt her. He was one of her two best friends. "No he's not. Shut up." Carly argued with the voice.

**_FREDDIE IS GOING TO RAPE YOU! FREDDIE IS GOING TO KILL YOU!_**

_"_What's that Carly?" Freddie was puzzled and confused.

Carly started to tremble slightly. She braced herself on the kitchen island with both of her arms. She tried to ignore the voice in her head but it became more insistent.

**_FREDDIE IS GOING TO RAPE YOU FREDDIE IS GOING TO KILL YOU FREDDIE IS GOING TO RAPE YOU FREDDIE IS GOING TO KILL YOU FREDDIE IS GOING TO RAPE YOU FREDDIE IS GOING TO KILL YOU FREDDIE IS GOING TO RAPE YOU FREDDIE IS GOING TO KILL YOU_**

"No he's not." Carly started to cry. Freddie continued to watch her, unsure of what to do.

**_KILL HIM BEFORE HE KILLS YOU. KILL HIM BEFORE HE KILLS YOU. KILL HIM BEFORE HE KILLS YOU. KILL HIM BEFORE HE KILLS YOU._**

**_TAKE THE KNIFE TAKE THE KNIFE TAKE THE KNIFE TAKE THE KNIFE_**

**_KILL HIM BEFORE HE KILLS YOU KILL HIM BEFORE HE KILLS YOU_**

The voice became a drumbeat inside Carly's head. She couldn't escape it. She tried to fight it, tried to ignore it. She started shaking more violently. Freddie reached over and put his hand on Carly's left shoulder.

**_HE'S GOING TO KILL YOU! HE'S GOING TO KILL YOU! HE'S GOING TO KILL YOU!_**

Freddie's touch scared Carly. At that moment she was sure Freddie Benson was going to kill her. She grabbed the knife Spencer had left and swung it up and into Freddie's abdomen. The knife entered him all the way to the handle; Freddie started to double over. Carly pulled it out and swung it again in and upward arc; the blade tore a huge gash in Freddie's stomach close to the first wound. Freddie collapsed on the kitchen floor, blood pouring out of his wounds.

Carly stood over him for a moment; Freddie looked up at her with confusion in his eyes. She then took off and ran up the stairs. Freddie tried to crawl over to the phone, but couldn't move, he was losing too much blood. As he was losing consciousness the last thoughts he had were about why Carly would want to hurt him. The very last thought in his mind as everything grew dark around him was, "Why?"

* * *

**Author's Note. This story will be much more open-ended than my first. Bragging rights go to the first person who can guess Carly's ailment.**


	2. Going to the Hospital

Sam and Spencer rode the freight elevator down to the basement in silence for the first couple of floors. Sam finally broke the silence, "Spence, I wanted to talk to you about something in private. I'm really worried about Carly."

Spencer looked over at Sam, "Is she having a hard time getting over Derek?"

"No, I think it's worse than that. Her behavior last night and this morning…" Sam hesitated. She almost felt as if she was betraying a confidence. "Her behavior scared me."

"What happened? You did come back pretty early."

"We came back early because Carly freaked out at the carnival." The elevator stopped on the basement level. Sam and Spencer exited and headed towards the Shay's storage area. "She thought every man there was going to..to rape and kill her. We started talking to these two nice guys when she took off running for home. When I caught up to her she told me they were going to kill us. Then she asked me if I heard that. I don't know what she meant."

"Wait Sam, are you saying that Carly told you she heard voices? We have to go now." Spencer turned around and ran as fast as he could back to the freight elevator. Sam followed as closely as possible, trying to keep up. The elevator door opened immediately and Spencer quickly entered his key and hit the button for his floor. Spencer fidgeted; to him the elevator seemed to be taking forever.

"Is hearing voices a bad sign?"

"I think it might be. Now that I think about there are a couple of other things I probably should have picked up on. Damn it, can't we go any faster." Spencer was clearly agitated. Sam had never seen Spencer like this; she kept quiet not knowing what to say.

Finally the elevator door opened; the first thing they saw was Freddie lying on the kitchen floor; blood pooling around him. Both Sam and Spencer ran towards Freddie, it was Spencer who spoke. "Sam, call 911." Spencer grabbed some kitchen towels and started applying direct pressure to the wounds, trying to slow the loss of blood. Freddie was still breathing, it was very shallow breathing, but it was there. "Come on Freddie, hold on." Spencer heard Sam on the phone.

"Yes, someone's applying pressure to the wound. Yes, Bushwell Plaza #8C. Please hurry. I'll stay on the line." Sam was doing well, she was not panicking. Spencer was actually very proud of her at that moment. "Spencer, 911 wants to know if Freddie is still breathing."

"Yes, but it's not strong. How close are they?"  
The operator could hear over the line and answered before Sam could repeat the question. She relayed the information to Spencer, "They should be here any minute, they're coming from Seattle Mercy." Seattle Mercy hospital was only a half dozen blocks away.

"Get on the intercom and tell Lewbert to hold the elevator and let them up right away. And then get Mrs. Benson."

Sam did as Spencer instructed. The 911 operator told Sam that the paramedics were at Bushwell just as she was knocking on the Benson's apartment door. After a few moments Mrs. Benson opened the door. Sam didn't give her a chance to speak, "Please come quick, it's Freddie." Mrs. Benson didn't particularly care for Sam, and normally she might have questioned the girl, but she saw the deathly serious look in her eyes and followed immediately.

The paramedics had arrived and were tending to Freddie as his mother and Sam walked in. Mrs. Benson shrieked and ran towards her son, "My Freddie, what happened?"

One of the paramedics answered her while applying a temporary bandage to Freddie's abdomen, "Are you his mother?" When Mrs. Benson answered in the affirmative he continued, "We have to get him into emergency surgery right away. He's lost a lot of blood and may have internal bleeding too. You can ride with us."

With that the paramedics lifted Freddie onto a gurney and quickly wheeled him over to the freight elevator. Mrs. Benson got into the elevator with them. As the doors started closing Spencer told her they would meet her at Seattle Mercy. He looked over at Sam, "Where's Carly?"

Sam looked around and pointed out a trail of blood-stained footprints leading up the stairs. The 911 operator was still on the line; Sam had forgotten until she heard the operator asking if they still needed assistance. Spencer asked Sam for the phone and she handed it over. Spencer took the phone and spoke, "I think we need another ambulance. My sister may be suffering from a psychotic episode and might hurt herself or someone else." The operator sent another ambulance and made arrangements with the psych ward at Seattle Mercy.

Spencer hung up the phone and asked Sam to wait for the paramedics to arrive. She had a lot of questions but Spencer stopped her. "Not now, ok? Let's get Carly to the hospital. I'll tell you more then." With that Spencer started up the stairs, being careful not to step in any of the bloody footprints Carly had made.

* * *

The footprints led directly to Carly's room. Spencer cautiously entered; he tried to remember what he had been taught to do when something like this happened to his mother. Speak softly in a non-threatening manner, stay on her level; these thoughts went through Spencer's head. He had hoped he would never have to deal with this ever again, but fate had obviously intervened.

He found Carly crouched in the corner of her bedroom between her dresser and bookshelf. Her legs were drawn up close to her chest with her arms wrapped around them. She was softly hitting the side of her head against the dresser and quietly muttering to herself. Spencer couldn't see the knife she had obviously used. He approached quietly; as soon as he got close to her she looked up at him with eyes that seemed very far away. He knelt down so that he was on her level.

He was about to say something when Carly spoke first, her voice shaky, "I had to do it. They told me to do it. I didn't want to do it; I had to do it. They told me." Tears were flowing; she looked up and past Spencer. "They told me."

"It's ok Carly. It's going to be ok." He thought about saying that Freddie would be ok, but thought against it. Whether it was true or not, mentioning Freddie might be upsetting. The goal was to calm her down and hopefully get her to willingly go to the hospital. He reached out for Carly but she shrank back from him.

"The voices are bad I think. I don't like them." Her body started to shake.

"I want to help you sis. Can you let me help you?" Spencer kept his voice calm and even.

"The voices won't let you. Can't you hear them? Can't you see them?"

"I can't Carly."

"THEY ARE RIGHT THERE!" Carly suddenly looked so frightened; Spencer was tempted to look behind him but he didn't want to take his eyes off of Carly. "Please help me Spencer. I can't ….." Without warning Carly turned her head slightly to the right and slammed her head against the dresser as hard as she could. A huge lump began to form on her right temple. Spencer reached for her but before he could get a hold of her she did it again. She hit the dresser in the same spot on her head; a gash opened up and began bleeding profusely.

Spencer reached Carly and drew her close to him. Cuts on the head are often not serious, but they do tend to bleed quite a bit. This was no exception; blood began to quickly soak her hair and covered the right side of her face. Spencer grabbed a t-shirt she had laying on the bed and used it to apply pressure to the wound. It was at that point that Sam led the paramedics into Carly's bedroom.

Spencer picked up Carly and placed her on the bed. The paramedics quickly tended to the gash on Carly's head. She seemed sluggish; Spencer wondered if she had managed to give herself a concussion. Once the bleeding was contained they cleaned her face as best they could. She opened both eyes and looked up at the paramedics. She started do shake, "You're..you're going to kill me now." Her voice was scared.

Before either Spencer or the paramedics could answer, Sam kneeled down next to Carly's head and whispered into her ear, "its ok. They won't hurt you. I'll protect you." Carly began to relax slightly; Sam stroked her hair and again whispered into Carly's ear, "I'm your invisible ninja, I'll protect you." She gave Carly a gentle kiss on her left temple.

Carly started to sob softly, "Please help me." Sam took her by the hand and helped her get up from the bed. Sam led her outside of the bedroom and down the stairs to the first floor. Spencer and the paramedics quietly followed.

Still holding Carly's hand, Sam spoke quietly to her, "Cupcake, these men are going to help you. Can you go with them for me?"

Carly was nervous. "Ca..can you come with me."

"Of course I can." Sam looked towards the paramedics for approval, they silently nodded their heads. "Spencer can meet us there, ok?"

"Will the voices stop talking to me?" Carly's voice was almost pleading.

"Yes they will." Sam didn't know if that was true but was willing to lie if it would help Carly get to the hospital without any more incidents. She squeezed Carly's hand to reassure her. They followed the paramedics as they led the way towards the freight elevator.

Carly's voice was calm now. Without any emotional inflection at all she asked, "Where's Freddie? His eyes are so beautiful."

* * *

Spencer was sitting in a small office with a psychiatrist on staff at Seattle Mercy Hospital. Though she was not actually family, Sam was in the room sitting next to him. It was the afternoon after Carly's admission to the hospital after her psychotic episode. The psychiatrist, Dr. Michael Greene, was giving them a status on Carly's condition.

"We have administered a number of physical tests, including a CT scan and MRI of her brain. We are working on a psychological and psychiatric profile as we speak. Mr. Shay, Spencer, can I call you Spencer?" Spencer nodded, "Spencer, I have the results of her MRI and CT scan here. They don't show any obvious physical abnormalities."

Spencer looked down. He had expected as much, though he had still held out hope that Carly may have had an operable tumor. No picnic still, but better than the diagnosis he knew was coming next.

"Given the results of these tests, the behavior you both observed in Carly and your family history of the disease; my formal diagnosis is that Carly is suffering from schizophrenia."

Spencer sighed and exhaled, he was expecting the worst and he got it. After all of the suffering he had seen his mother go through with the disease, he was going to have to see it again with Carly. He wanted to cry and lash out at the injustice of it all, but stayed strong. Carly needed him now more than ever. "What's going to happen now?"

"As her legal guardian her care is ultimately up to you, but I would recommend keeping her here until we can get her medication settled."

"Of course, I will go with whatever you recommend."

"Good. As I was saying, we'll need to put her on an antipsychotic medication right away. The trick is finding the right medicine in the right dosage and the only way to do that is through trial and error. It is far safer doing that here in a hospital environment."

Sam finally spoke up, "How long will Carly have to take this medication?"

"Unfortunately the rest of her life. There is no cure for schizophrenia, at least not yet. A lot of advancements have been made in medications in the past 20 years and we are better at treating the condition with psychoanalysis and other non-pharmaceutical measures. It is a condition, however, and she will have to learn to live with it."

Sam looked crestfallen. She didn't want to cry but a single tear escaped her right eye. "Is Carly going to be..is she going to be like yesterday her whole life?"

Dr. Greene answered, "No. She has not received any treatment as of yet. Once we get her medication stabilized, and she begins psychotherapy, she should improve greatly. She may be prone to certain odd behaviors, but she can live a fairly normal life. It won't be easy, though, and she will need considerable help from her family (he looked at Spencer) and her friends (he looked pointedly at Sam)."

"Is she still going to be a danger to other people?" Spencer asked, he was thinking about Freddie.

"I doubt it. What happened with your friend yesterday was not typical. Most schizophrenics are not outwardly violent. As you might know already, people who suffer from schizophrenia are far more likely to harm themselves than is normal. It's my understanding that your friend.."

"His name is Freddie," Sam interjected.

"It's my understanding that Freddie is currently in stable condition in the ICU. We have not told this to Carly as of yet. We don't want to risk upsetting her too much at this point. She seems to understand subconsciously that she hurt Freddie badly but can't deal with that fact consciously yet."

"When can we see her?" Spencer asked.

"I think it would be best to wait a couple of days at least. Once she gets into a normal routine here she should start to feel better. It's possible we'll have a decent handle on her medication at that point."

"How long do you think she'll be here?"

"Spencer, I can't give you an exact time frame right now, but I wouldn't expect her to be ready to leave in a few days. I would count on Carly staying here for several weeks, maybe a month or more. If she has to be hospitalized in the future, either for more psychotic episodes or to have medication adjusted, those stays might be shorter."

Dr. Greene got up, "I have to go check on Carly and a couple other patients now. I've arranged for you to meet with a social worker. There are a lot of support programs for family and friends of schizophrenic patients. I would recommend you take advantage of them. It's important for you to know", Dr. Greene looked hard at Sam, "for both of you to know, that you are not alone and that there is help available." He handed Spencer a business card with the information for the social worker. "I will call you later tonight with an update on Carly. If you have any questions or concerns please call me or the nurse's station."

With that Dr. Greene left the office. Spencer and Sam sat in silence for a few minutes. Sam finally broke the silence, "Spence, I'm scared. My best friend is..is here in the psych ward and my other best friend is hanging on for his life in the ICU. I am so lonely and scared. I don't know what to do." Sam started crying.

Spencer had never seen Sam this vulnerable, never before in all the years he had known her; it seemed so out of character for her. The situation with Carly had him scared and frustrated as well; frustrated because he wasn't sure exactly what to do. In Sam's case, though, he knew exactly what to do. He stood up and drew her up into his arms and gave her a warm, tight embrace. He kissed her on the top of the head, "It's going to be ok. I know how you feel; I'm scared and lonely right now too." Sam cried into his chest. "Let's promise now to be here for each other, ok? That way neither of us will be lonely and we'll get through this together."

* * *

**Author's note. For those who guessed schizophrenia, good call. This story will be somewhat open-ended. I have a basic idea how it will proceed (especially if we wind up Seddie or Creddie) but not how it will end exactly. I will also probably write other things while working on this. I do hope to update this story at least once a week, but future chapters may be shorter than this one.**

**I appreciate any constructive criticism and reviews people may offer. Mental illness is a sensitive subject and I hope to treat it with dignity and respect at all times. Please let me know if you think I am not doing that at any time.**

**One more thing, despite the closeness of Sam and Spencer at the end of this chapter, I will definitely not be writing any underage Spam. **

**Thanks again for your time spent reading this story and any of my other work. **


	3. Hospital Visitors

It was the fifth day of Carly and Freddie's respective hospitalizations. Spencer was visiting Carly for the first time. Sam had wanted to be there as well, but Carly's doctors wanted to limit her visitors to one at a time until her condition improved. Spencer sat in a patient meeting room off the main psychiatric ward where the patients could watch TV, play games or just socialize with one another. His chair was an uncomfortable plastic that was bolted to the floor. He tried to get comfortable while he waited for Carly to be brought to the room. His eyes roamed the plain walls, with the exception of a window he knew was a one-way mirror, they were blank and a dull slate-gray. As an artist he was repulsed by the drabness of the room. While he was sure the doctors had a reason for having the room this way; he was equally sure some bright colors would make for a better mood for both visitors and patients alike.

Dr. Greene had told him that Carly was responding to the medication they had prescribed, but that she had a long way to go before she could be discharged. Her hallucinations had decreased over the past few days, but she was exhibiting symptoms of disorganized type schizophrenia as well as the paranoid type schizophrenia. He had told Spencer this was somewhat unusual; patients tended to fall into one category or another, but rarely both.

It was Dr. Greene's opinion that Carly's disorganized schizophrenia symptoms, which were manifesting primarily in thought disorder and flat effect, were more the result of a post-traumatic stress syndrome brought on by her stabbing of Freddie. While Carly had exhibited mild forms of these symptoms just before her hospitalization, this was normal and to be expected with her condition. They had gotten worse in the hospital, however, when the subject of Freddie was raised with her. When asked if she had understood what had happened to him something seemed to snap and her speech became very disorganized and she shut off emotionally. With the exception of extremely long bouts of sobbing, she had exhibited little recognizable emotion over the past two days. Any communication with hospital staff was done in short sentences spoken in a low monotone.

Spencer had inwardly groaned at hearing this, but Dr. Greene explained that this was actually good news. Disorganized type schizophrenics had much more difficulty living a normal lifestyle than paranoid schizophrenics. With the right medication taken regularly a paranoid schizophrenic can live fairly normally with little negative effect from the illness. If Carly's disorganized type symptoms were actually the result of post traumatic stress, then they could be essentially cured with psychotherapy. Basically, he explained, Carly could not yet cope with what she had done to Freddie, but once she could those symptoms should begin to fade away until they were gone completely.

It was Dr. Greene's hope that Spencer could help start that process in Carly. He was her closest relative and a friendly presence. If he could show that he forgave her then she might start to forgive herself and begin coping.

Spencer sighed and looked at his watch, he had lost track of how long he had been waiting. Maybe that was why the walls were a blank gray; it dulled one's ability to sense time. The door opening broke his train of thought and he quickly looked over towards the noise. Carly slowly walked in ahead of Dr. Greene and an orderly. She was wearing a nightgown he had bought for her since she had come to the hospital; it was purple and had little yellow ducks. He had picked it out with some care; purple was her favorite color and ducks had always seemed to comfort him. He hoped they might be a comfort for her as well. Over the nightgown she had on her light blue terry-cloth robe. The robe was open; he noticed that the belt was missing.

Her skin seemed extremely pale; though this might have been partly a trick of the harsh light and gray walls. Her hair hung limply down her shoulders, it did not appear it had been washed since she had been in the hospital. Her eyes were normally quite expressive and, to Spencer, always full of life. Now they were glassy and dull, almost as if Carly was half-asleep. The orderly left and Dr. Greene led Carly over to the chair opposite Spencer. She sat down without argument or incident and Dr. Greene went to sit off to the side. Spencer had given him permission to be here for the visit.

Carly looked up at him and half-smiled. This was encouraging to Spencer. He smiled back, "How are you feeling?"

Carly stared at him for a few seconds, as if she were trying to find the correct words, "I am feeling better." Her voice was still flat.

"I'm glad kiddo. I miss you, but they are going to help you here."

Carly nodded her head almost imperceptibly, "The voices are not here so much."

"That makes me happy, the voices aren't real." Spencer was trying to keep his sentences short. He didn't want to overwhelm Carly right now. He noticed that Dr. Greene was paying very close attention, though he was refraining from taking notes.

Carly looked around the room; turning her head from each corner, down to the floor and then up to the ceiling. Finally she brought her gaze back to Spencer, her eyes actually showing a little bit of a spark. Her voice actually sounded a bit more urgent, "They do not like you saying that."

Spencer didn't want to upset her, he nodded in agreement, "Ok, I won't say that. Let's talk about something else."

Carly seemed to relax slightly, "Ok."

"I saw Freddie a little bit ago. He's going to be alright." Spencer lied, he had not seen Freddie; only just spoken with Mrs. Benson, but he hoped this news would help Carly. Freddie had a lot of recovery left to go, but the consensus was that he was out of any immediate danger.

Carly started to tremble slightly, "Freddie is.." Carly winced and shut her eyes. "..is special. Santa Claus is special he makes children happy."

"No Carly, I'm talking about Freddie." Spencer tried to speak in an especially calm tone of voice.

"Freddie is beautiful. Sunsets are beautiful. The sun helps plants grow. I like spinach." Carly started to cry profusely now.

Spencer got up from the chair and kneeled down in front of Carly. He took both of her hands into his own and looked up at her. "It's ok Carly; Freddie is going to be fine. You will both get better."

"NO, do not say that. Please no, please stop." It was difficult to tell through her sobbing but Spencer got the sense she was not talking to him or Dr. Greene.

"It's ok Carly, please believe me it is going to be ok." Spencer was pleading with Carly now.

Spencer took Carly into an embrace, holding his little sister tight, willing her to get better so things could go back like they were before. She placed her lips close to Spencer's left ear and whispered through her sobs, "I am not going to make it." Spencer didn't reply, he just held her tighter right up until the orderly and Dr. Greene took her back to her room.

* * *

While Spencer was visiting with Carly for the first time; Sam was in the waiting room outside of the ICU. Sam had spent quite a bit of time at the hospital since Sunday; far more than she actually thought she could. Sam hated hospitals; she hated being around all the sick people, the germs, the smells. She hated everything about it. The problem now, though, was she didn't feel like she had anywhere else to go.

Normally she would have counted on spending the summer with Carly and Freddie when he wasn't off visiting relatives. She loved this time of year; she liked being able to hang with Carly without the burden of worrying about school. She even liked being around Freddie as well. Over the past few years she had grown to genuinely enjoy his company. She still teased and picked on him, but it was more playful instead of hurtful and he reciprocated far more often now. She would never admit it to anyone, not even Carly, but she actually enjoyed it when he would tease her back.

With both Carly and Freddie in the hospital for the foreseeable future, Sam wasn't sure what to do with herself. She didn't want to spend time at home, her mother spent almost all of her daytime hours drinking and lazing on the couch, screaming at the TV when the mood suited her. Melanie was spending the summer studying at her boarding school; she had little desire to be around their mother either. What time she could she spent with Spencer, but he was very busy at the moment. He was dealing with the insurance company regarding Carly's hospital bills, trying to reach their father and taking steps to modify the loft for when Carly did come home. Sam didn't want to add to his burden so she had kept to herself each day since Monday afternoon. She went over to the loft each evening and ate dinner with Spencer, and she did sleep there on the couch, but that was it.

Not knowing what else to do, she began to hang out at the hospital. She hated hospitals, but she did want to be closer to her two best friends, so she sucked it up and dealt with her discomfort. She knew logically that there wasn't much she could actually do for them, but it still made her feel a little better knowing they were close by.

Carly could not have visitors yet, but Sam did go every few hours to check on her at the nurse's station outside the ward. Spencer had thoughtfully listed Sam as someone authorized to receive information on her condition. Unfortunately there was never any new information to report except that they were monitoring her reactions to the antipsychotic medication.

The psychiatric ward at the hospital ward was not a very comfortable place to wait around, so Sam had to find another place to pass the time. She gravitated to the visitor waiting room by the ICU. Freddie could not have any visitors except for immediate family but at least she could be close to him. The waiting room was decorated in such a way as to make one feel relaxed, but it didn't work very well on Sam. With nothing to do but think for hours on end she found her thoughts turning to Freddie and what happened last Sunday.

She had no idea that Carly could be violent like that. If she had, she would not have waited for her and Spencer to be alone before saying something, and she would certainly not have left Freddie alone with her without a warning. She had to admit that guilt was eating at her. She felt like it was her fault that Freddie had very nearly died that day and was still severely injured. If she hadn't left them alone, or if she had just tagged along with both Spencer and Freddie, then he would be fine now and able to help Carly along with her and Spencer.

She wished she knew how to make things up to Freddie besides keeping a vigil for him outside the ICU. She was thinking about that when someone interrupted her thoughts. She looked up from staring down at the floor and found herself looking at Mrs. Benson.

Unbeknownst to Sam, her vigil had attracted the attention of the ICU staff. She was almost always there in the waiting room when nurses, doctors and orderlies came back and forth. They began to wonder for whom she was waiting. When Mrs. Benson arrived that day to see Freddie one of the nurses asked if she had a relative in the waiting room, a small blond teenager. Mrs. Benson said she wasn't sure and went to investigate. Thus she found herself in front of Sam. She sat down next to the teen.

"Sam, are you ok?" Mrs. Benson had never particularly cared for the blond teenager who seemed to relish teasing her son, but she had to admit it was touching for her to spend this much time waiting on Freddie.

"Mrs. Benson, uh, yeah I'm ok. I'm just…waiting."

"You've apparently been waiting quite a bit. The staff has been asking about you. They say you're here night and day."

"Well, I go check on Carly every few hours and I eat dinner with Spencer, but I've been spending the rest of my time here.

"How come?"

Sam looked down at the floor. "I," Sam hesitated, "I really don't know what else to do. I guess I feel like if I'm close I can help somehow. I know it's stupid."

Mrs. Benson's feelings towards Sam began to thaw. "It's not stupid. Not at all." She placed a hand on Sam's shoulder. "Would you like to see Freddie for a little bit?"

Sam looked back up at Mrs. Benson, "I thought only immediate family could visit."

"Let me take care of that, just play along. Come on; let's go to the nurse's station."

She got up and Sam followed her to the front desk station. The nurse there gave Sam a smile, finally they would find out about the mysterious teen visitor. Mrs. Benson spoke, motioning to Sam, "This is Sam. She's Freddie's girlfriend. Would it be ok if she visited for a few minutes?"

The nurse looked over at Sam; Sam tried to look the part of the concerned, grieving girlfriend. She held her breath, hoping she was able to pull it off, when the nurse said it would be ok. Sam exhaled; the nurse led her to a small room and gave her some scrubs to put over her clothes. When she was ready, the nurse led her and Mrs. Benson to the ICU.

The ICU was a wide room with a series of beds; there was a wide window along the length of the wall allowing one to see inside. It appeared that there was one nurse on duty for every two beds. The beds themselves were spaced far enough apart to allow enough room for the various pieces of medical equipment. Freddie's bed was the third one from the right.

The nurse pointed her to the correct bed and let her enter while Mrs. Benson waited outside, watching through the window. The nurse monitoring Freddie smiled at her and brought her a chair to sit in. "So you're Mr. Benson's girlfriend? We've been wondering who you were the past few days."

It took Sam a moment to respond, "Yes, I've been so worried. Is he going to be ok?"

"Normally I can't give information on someone's condition without authorization, but since you're his girlfriend I guess its ok. Freddie should be fine; in fact it looks like he'll be transferred out of the ICU sometime tomorrow morning. His stomach was cut pretty badly and his large intestine was slashed as well. He lost a lot of blood, and he'll be in the hospital for a while, but he should live."

Sam sat down in the chair on Freddie's right side. His left arm and hand had a series of IV tubes attached. She noticed the heart monitor attached to him and that his pulse and heart rate seemed steady. He had a series of tubes running out of him from his abdomen; the sight almost made her cry right there. She looked away and up at Freddie's face. His face was clear except for a small breathing tube attached to his nose to assist his breathing. She thought his face looked quite peaceful, almost as if he was just taking a lazy nap.

"Can Freddie wake up? Can I talk to him?"

"No, we have him pretty heavily sedated. When he is transferred to a regular room he will be awake for stretches, he'll still sleep most of the time hopefully, and you can talk to him then if you take it easy."

"Oh. Is it ok if I hold his hand?" Sam wasn't sure of the rules in the ICU.

"Yes, of course." She smiled at Sam; most teenagers would be too scared to even come into this room. "Unfortunately you can only spend 15 minutes with him. Hospital rules. Just call me if you need anything, I'll give you some privacy."

Sam nodded and scooted closer to Freddie's bed and took his hand in hers. "Hi Freddie, it's me Sam." She felt sort of dumb talking to him this way, but held out hope that he could still somehow hear her. "I'm really sorry for what happened. Carly's sick, she's actually in the psych ward a couple floors down, she didn't mean to do this to you. I'm sorry, I really am, and I wish I had never left you alone with her. I just never thought she…that she could do this. Please forgive me ok? Please?"

Sam stared at Freddie hoping he would wake up and tell her it was ok and that he wasn't mad at her. Of course that did not happen; Freddie continued to sleep peacefully. She stroked his hand and after a few minutes spoke again, "Freddie, before I forget, your mother told them I'm your girlfriend. Don't freak out when you hear that, I don't want you to wind up with Carly in the psych ward." She smiled inwardly at her little joke.

The nurse came over to get Sam when her time was up. She had spent her remaining time with him stroking his hand and softly humming a lullaby. She had no idea why she hummed a children's lullaby, but she thought it might make him feel better. She stood up and gave Freddie a gentle kiss on his forehead, "I love you," she told him; for the nurse's benefit she thought to herself.

She left the ICU and thanked Mrs. Benson for getting her in to see Freddie. Mrs. Benson smiled back, "Sam, why don't you and Spencer have dinner with me tonight? Say six o'clock at the apartment? I admit I'm feeling a bit lonely"

A week ago Sam would not have believed you if you had told her she would willingly go to Mrs. Benson's apartment to have dinner with her. Things had changed quite a bit since Sunday however, "Sure thing Mrs. Benson."

With that Sam took off her scrubs, returned them to the original nurse, and resumed her one-person vigil for Freddie in the ICU waiting room until it was time to go to Mrs. Benson's for dinner.


	4. Hospital Patients: Carly Shay

**Author's Note. This chapter may be a little shorter than I usually write. I decided to split this next chapter into two parts, one dealing with Carly and the other with Freddie. I am posting the Carly chapter first and will post Freddie's soon, either later tonight or sometime tomorrow during the day. Thanks for sticking with this story so far.**

* * *

For Carly Shay her life at the hospital consisted of nothing but the present. She had just been taken from her first visit with Spencer to her room. The orderly helped her lie down on her bed and left her to herself, sobbing and confused. Someone looking at her would have thought that she was incredibly sad about something, not an uncommon thing in a mental hospital, but the truth was she was sobbing **because **she was confused.

Carly literally could not maintain two thoughts in her head at the same time. Her mind, or brain, would simply not let her link two separate ideas. When something popped into her head she would try and figure out what it meant; the problem was before she could do that the thought was gone and something new replaced it. Before she could process that thought, it too was gone, only to be replaced by something else. When this happened to her the only thing she could verbalize was what was in her head at that point in time. It was as if her entire existence consisted of one long moment of "now". There was no past, there was no future; there was only what existed in that brief moment in time.

When this happened Carly tried hard to break the cycle and remember what everything meant. She would say whatever thoughts were in her head in the hopes that verbalization would break her out of the mental trap. When this didn't work she would invariably begin sobbing out of frustration.

If Carly had the ability to step outside of herself and dissect her own psyche, she would have discovered that her mind was using this technique as a crude defense mechanism. The phenomenon was called thought disorder and Carly suffered it whenever the subject of Freddie was brought up. Subconsciously she knew she had stabbed him and probably killed him. Consciously, though, she simply couldn't handle that idea and her mind prevented her from processing the information by preventing her from processing anything whatsoever. The human mind will often go to great lengths to protect itself and in this case Carly's mind borrowed something from the part of her brain affected by the schizophrenia.

The good news was that eventually the process stopped on its own and Carly's thoughts would gradually slow down to a point where she could interpret information and communicate ideas. Thus two hours after leaving Spencer, Carly found herself on her bed wondering what time it was and what had happened to Spencer. She was scared, the process always scared her after the fact, but she gradually began to calm down. The process actually scared her less than hearing the bad voices.

She looked around the room; the room was painted white and had no decorations on the walls. There were bars on the two windows. The room had two small closets and a small bathroom with a toilet, small sink and shower. She looked over to the second bed in the room and noticed that she was not alone.

Sitting on the other bed was a woman sitting Indian style. When Carly had moved into the room there had been another patient in that bed, but she had left after a certain amount of time and Carly had been alone since. Carly tried to remember when the other patient had left, but she had no sense of time in the hospital other than when she was given her meds. Carly sat up and faced the woman.

The woman smiled, stood up and stuck her hand out to Carly, "Hi, I guess we're roomies. My name is Maude, Maude Prepson."

Carly tentatively shook Maude's hand in return, "I'm Carly…uh Carly Shay."

"Nice to meet you Carly. So, is this seat taken?" She motioned to the spot on the bed next to Carly.

"Uh, no." Carly wasn't sure what to think. Her first roommate had not said one word to her and she had not attempted any contact with any other patient.

Maude sat herself next to Carly on the bed. She was older than Carly, maybe early to mid thirties and had dirty blond hair. She was a couple inches shorter than Carly and had fair skin. The one thing that really struck Carly about Maude's appearance was her eyes; they were a bright green that stood out from her pale skin. Despite Maude's forwardness Carly did not feel threatened by her new roommate.

"So Carly, what are you in for?"

"I'm, uh, I'm not really sure." Carly looked towards the ground.

"Here, give me your left hand." Maude didn't wait and took Carly's left wrist in her own hand. On it was a plastic bracelet, "Ah, you're in for paranoid schizophrenia, that's pretty heavy."

"How can you tell that?"

"There's a code on the bracelet. It doesn't actually say you're schizo, but if you got out of the ward, hospital staff would be able to tell what you're in for. I know, you're thinking: how did she know that? Well, I've got a lot of experience here. I think this is my fifth or sixth visit."

"What are you here for?"

Maude's voice grew quiet, she leaned in closer to Carly, "Me, I'm plain crazy." She started to laugh than stopped suddenly and pulled Carly's head close to hers. In a quiet, urgent voice she whispered, "I shouldn't have said that. They don't like it when you say that word; they don't like it when you use the word crazy."

Carly's eyes grew a little wider, she whispered back to Maude, "Do you mean the bad voices don't like it when you say the word crazy?"

Maude laughed loudly, "No silly. The bad voices aren't real, they are all in here." Maude tapped the middle of Carly's forehead. "I meant that you shouldn't let the doctors, nurses or orderlies hear you use the word crazy. It bothers them."

Carly laughed with Maude, the first time she had laughed in a long time. "Is there anything else I should know?"

"Lots of things, but don't worry, I'll teach you everything you need to know. Just stick with me." Maude patted Carly on the back.

"You know, you never did answer my question. Why are you here?"

"Me, I have manic depression with just a pinch of bipolar disorder. I'm here after my latest suicide attempt. See." She showed Carly the underside of her jaw, there were recent ligature marks.

"I'm really sorry Maude."

"Don't be, it's not like it's my first time. I've tried to slash my wrists; I've jumped off the roof of my house; I've taken an overdose of sleeping pills. You could say that I have issues. On the bright side, though, I really know my way around this place. I can really help you out."

"Really? You'd do that?"

"For my roommate, anything."

"You know I really might be crazy," Carly looked towards the floor again and said nervously, "I think I killed someone."

"Big deal. A year ago I had a roommate here who killed her boyfriend because he went 15 minutes without answering a text. She thought he was cheating on her; she had to know where he was every minute of every day." Maude chuckled, "Carly, you're not half as crazy as her. Come on; let's head to the day room. We wouldn't want the doctors to think we're being anti-social."

Maude stood up and took Carly by the hand and led her out the door of their room. "You know the weirdest thing about that chick; she claimed that she was a teacher. Kept going on about American history all the time."


	5. Hospital Patients: Freddie Benson

**Author's Note. I have never watched Grey's Anatomy or ER; my medical knowledge may be way off here. If it is, hopefully it won't interfere too much with the story. Thanks again for reading this story and reviewing.**

* * *

On the Friday morning after being stabbed, Freddie Benson opened his eyes for the first time. A nurse was there to greet him, "Good morning Mr. Benson. How are you feeling?"

It took a little time for Freddie's head to clear. "I feel like a truck hit me."

"That's understandable, you sustained very serious injuries. What's the last thing you remember?"

Freddie thought hard for a minute. "I remember my best friend stabbing me. I don't know why she did it though."

"Ok, well I can't answer that question for you. It's a good sign that you remember everything though. Now, I'm going to call the doctor and let him know you've woken up. We'll also let your mother and girlfriend know you're awake. Now, try and relax and don't move around; you have quite a few tubes attached right now."

"No problem there, I'm not sure I could move even if I wanted to."

"Good. Now I'll be back soon." The nurse left Freddie's room.

Freddie sat silently thinking about everything when a thought suddenly struck him. When did he get a girlfriend?

* * *

Freddie's surgeon, Dr. Craig, came into Freddie's room about 10 minutes later followed by the nurse. He was a short man with graying hair, in his later 40's or early 50's Freddie guessed. He seemed like the type of person who could be gruff and difficult, but he gave Freddie a genuine smile of warmth and Freddie began to relax.

"So Freddie, is it ok if I call you Freddie?" Freddie nodded and Dr. Craig continued, "The nurse tells me you feel like a truck hit you. That's not surprising; you were hurt pretty bad there. If your friends had found you a few minutes later we wouldn't be talking right now."

"Doctor, how long have I been out? What day is it?"

"It is Friday, about 8:30 in the morning. You were unconscious almost 5 days."

"Wow, so what's wrong with me? What are all these tubes for?" Freddie had spent most of the previous 10 minutes trying not to think about all the tubes.

"You were stabbed twice; one was a very deep puncture. That one hit your stomach and nicked the pancreas. The other was not quite as deep but was more of a slash; it actually did more damage. We wound up removing a bit of your small intestine and repairing a major gash in your large intestine. We also wound up removing approximately 25% of your stomach. We will monitor you closely to see how your pancreas heals."

"How long am I going to be in here?" Freddie wasn't hopeful.

"Right now it's hard to say, a lot depends on how your recovery starts. Remember, too, you lost a massive amount of blood and it will take time to build up your strength so that you can really start the recovery process. I would count on spending at least the next month here with us."

Freddie groaned. There goes the summer. "How about these tubes? What are they for?"

"The IV's in your left arm are for your pain medication and hydration. When you need a hit of pain medication just press that button on the end of this cord." Dr. Craig handed Freddie a long gray cord with a red button on the end, "You are on morphine right now; don't worry about getting addicted or anything like that, you can only use it three times per hour. Let the nurse know if you are still in pain though, ok?"

Dr. Craig moved down to the foot of the bed, "You have a feeding tube, a drainage tube and a catheter right now." Freddie, like all men, winced at the thought of the catheter. "You also have a colostomy bag."

Freddie thought he knew what a colostomy bag was used for, and was going to ask for confirmation, but decided it would be best if he didn't know after all. "Will I have all this stuff in me the whole time I'm here?"

"No, you will only need the colostomy bag until your large intestine heals enough to be used and you are mobile enough to reach the bathroom. That should hopefully be in the next couple days; at that point we can remove the catheter as well. The drainage tube should come out within the next few days as well so long as you don't develop any infections."

"When can I start eating again?" Freddie wasn't feeling particularly hungry, but he was curious.

"Once your intestines are functional again we can remove the feeding tube and you can start a clear liquid diet. Your stomach needs time to heal as well. Unfortunately you will be eating a lot of jello and broth. I know, it's not that appetizing, but in time your diet will be back to normal. You will have some dietary changes, but we can talk about that later. We'll make sure you consult with a dietician here on staff."

At that moment Freddie's mother came into the room. She smiled and gave Freddie as tight a hug as she could without pinching any of the tubes attached to him. "My Freddie, you have no idea how much I've missed you."

"I have some idea Mom." Freddie sometimes made fun of this mother and her overprotective nature, but he really did love her and eagerly returned the hug as well as he could. "Can we talk about what happened?"

Dr. Craig stepped in, addressing both Freddie and Mrs. Benson, "I can give you five minutes, but Freddie needs to rest. We're going to give him a sedative so he can sleep."

Freddie spoke up, "I've been sleeping for five days, why do I need more?"

Mrs. Benson replied before Dr. Craig could respond, "No arguing with the doctor. You have been through quite a bit and rest will help you heal faster. Five minutes is fine."

Dr. Craig left to give them some privacy. Freddie spoke first, "What happened? I was talking to Carly one second and the next she was stabbing me."

Mrs. Benson sighed; she thought this might be difficult. She had been so mad at Carly when she first arrived at the hospital with Freddie. Her anger had peaked as she passed the time in the waiting room while Freddie was in surgery. Eventually, though, Spencer had come in to check on Freddie. She could see his red-rimmed eyes and the aura of utter despair that seemed to shroud him.

Spencer started by apologizing for what happened and explained that he had checked Carly into the psychiatric ward at the hospital. He explained further that their mother had suffered from schizophrenia until committing suicide when Carly was four. He felt certain that Carly was suffering from the same disease and that was the reason she attacked Freddie.

Mrs. Benson found she really couldn't stay mad any longer at Carly; if she was suffering a hallucination it really wasn't her fault. Spencer asked after Freddie; there wasn't any news at that point in time so Spencer said farewell and left, explaining that he had to make some unpleasant phone calls.

Mrs. Benson sighed again and began, "Freddie, don't be mad at Carly, she is very sick and didn't know what she was doing. She is currently checked into the psychiatric ward on the first floor of this hospital. According to Spencer her doctors are pretty sure she has paranoid schizophrenia."

Freddie was shocked. "Does that mean Carly is…does that mean Carly is crazy?"

"No, it means she has an illness affecting her brain. Hopefully she will be able to recover well enough to live a full life. Are you mad at her?"

"No, I don't think so; I mean I'm still coming to grips with all this. One second I was standing next to her in the kitchen and the next she was stabbing me to death. I didn't do anything wrong, I'm just a little confused. I'm not sure what it all means."

"Freddie, you have plenty of time to figure that stuff out. Right now I'll tell you that Carly didn't mean to hurt you, she was suffering from some scary hallucinations and you were just in the wrong place at the wrong time. Maybe you don't want to hear this now, you have your own lengthy recovery ahead of you, but you should know that Carly is going to need you if she is going to recover at all."

"Of course, I'm not going to abandon Carly. I promise."

It was then that the nurse came back into the room. "I have to give Freddie his sedative. Sleep is pretty important right now." She administered the medicine through Freddie's IV and left the mother and son.

Freddie had one more question as the sedative began to work, "The nurse said something earlier about my girlfriend. What's that about?"

"Oh that, well Sam was keeping a day and night vigil for you outside the ICU. I told them she was your girlfriend so she would be allowed to visit you in person. She is very concerned about you."

It was about that point that the sedative given to Freddie did its job and he began to drift off to sleep. He wasn't sure if he said it out loud or just thought it, but the last thing on his lips was, "Sam? What the f….".

* * *

Sam Puckett was carrying the last two boxes into Freddie's room from his mother's car. At dinner the night before Sam had brought up the idea of bringing some of Freddie's things to the hospital so he might feel more at home. She thought that if he was going to be spending that much time there he might as well be surrounded by comfortable things. Thankfully Freddie had a private room to himself.

Mrs. Benson had agreed enthusiastically; once dinner was finished and Spencer had excused himself, she and Sam had gone right to his room to pack some items. Mrs. Benson made sure pictures of Freddie, Carly, Sam, Spencer and herself were included, along with some other personal mementos.

Sam had packed as much Galaxy Wars stuff as she could. She had also taken his DVD player and a bunch of his favorite DVD's. She figured she could play them as much as possible and even if he was sleeping maybe they would provide him with nice dreams. It would also give her something to watch during the day; she and Freddie surprisingly had some similar tastes in movies and television shows.

She had hooked up the DVD player and was placing his action figures on a nearby dresser; to her they were dolls, but Freddie always insisted they were action figures. She was placing the queen on the dresser when it occurred to her that Carly and the queen seemed to favor each other. Was that the reason Freddie was so hung up on Carly all these years?

"Freddie, that is so messed up," Sam said quietly aloud to herself.

At that moment one of the nurses came into to check on Freddie, who was sleeping quietly. She looked around the room and spoke to Sam, "you must be Mr. Benson's girlfriend."

For a moment Sam was about to make a cutting remark about maybe being Freddie's girlfriend in his dreams, but then she remembered that if she said she was Freddie's girlfriend she might get special treatment. "Yes, I'm Freddie's girlfriend." She looked over at him and tried to smile in a way she imagined a real girlfriend would in that instance.

"It is so sweet what you are doing for him. This is going to help him so much. You must really love him."

Sam almost gagged, but managed to stop herself, "Oh I do. He is just the greatest." She really didn't know how a girlfriend was supposed to act in that instance; she just decided to talk a little like Carly and figured that would be good enough.

The nurse examined Freddie's vital signs and began jotting numbers down on a chart. "So tell me, how did you and Freddie meet?"

Sam wasn't expecting to answer questions about hers and Freddie's imaginary relationship; she didn't want Freddie to get too confused later, he probably wouldn't be up to remembering a long made-up story about how they began dating. Deciding that the best lies were those based on the truth, and figuring that it would be easier for Freddie to keep straight later on, she told the nurse, "I live across the hall from Freddie. He had a crush on me for years, but I kept putting him off. A year ago he finally wore me down and I agreed to go out with him." She did her best to look at Freddie longingly and smiled, "I don't remember what we did on that date very well, but when he kissed me at the end it was magical. We've been together ever since."

The nurse looked hard at Sam and was drawn to her eyes. The look on them was one of such love and devotion as she gazed at Freddie, the nurse was sure Sam loved him without any doubts whatsoever. "Freddie is a very lucky young man to have you. You two make a very cute couple." She smiled at Sam as she left the room. Sam went back to displaying Freddie's Galaxy Wars memorabilia.

* * *

Freddie woke up at 12:30 that afternoon. Once his eyes were able to focus he looked around his room and noticed it had changed quite a bit since he had fallen asleep. His Galaxy Wars action figures, which Sam always insisted on calling dolls, were displayed on the dresser off to his left. There were pictures of him, Carly and Sam on the tray right next to his bed. The end of the first Galaxy Wars movie was playing on the television; to his right were posters from Galaxy Wars and a couple MMA fighters he admired, including Shelby Marx. And to his immediate right, dozing in one of the room's guest chairs was Samantha Puckett.

Her legs were stretched out and resting on an overturned box. Her arms dangled over the sides of the chair and her head leaned to her left. Her mouth was open and she was drooling, saliva making its way down her chin. She was snoring softly. Freddie had never wanted a camera more in his entire life than that moment. He watched her for a few minutes until finally speaking, "Sam?"

Sam was not sleeping that deeply, she jerked upright immediately. "Freddie, you're awake." Sam was planning on keeping her cool and just making a sarcastic comment with a straight face, but she couldn't help herself. She smiled broadly, realized that she had apparently been drooling, and wiped her face with the back of her hand. She then leaned over and kissed Freddie on the cheek.

Freddie was a little taken aback. "How long have I been sleeping or is this just the morphine?"

"Thank you Benson. That makes me feel really good," Sam said sarcastically.

"Well, thanks for wiping the drool off your face at least."

"Anything for you. You are in the hospital after all."

"So, where's my mother?"

"She had to go to work for a while. I told her I'd keep an eye on you while I set up your room." She gestured to all the Galaxy Wars materials around the room.

"You did this?"

"Yep, I thought it might make you feel better, more comfortable like home."

Freddie was really touched, it wasn't like Sam to be…well nice like this. "Is that my DVD player?"

"Uh-huh. You know how daytime television is, and the cable here really sucks, so I thought you might prefer to watch cool movies, plus all six Galaxy Wars movies."

Freddie looked up at Sam. "I don't think you've ever been this nice to me before. Thanks." A small tear actually formed in his right eye.

"Don't get all mushy on me Benson. I have nowhere else to go right now, and since I can't hang out with Carly in the psych ward, I am going to be staying here with you. I'd rather watch good movies all day than crappy soap operas."

Freddie got a pained look on his face; Sam noticed right away. "Sam, how is Carly?"

"I was down there earlier and she is making improvement according to the doctors. I can't see her yet though." It was Sam's turn to get a pained look on her face, "Listen Freddie, I'm really sorry about what happened. When I went with Spencer, I wanted to talk to him alone about Carly. She was acting really strange and I didn't want to say anything in front of her. I never thought she might be dangerous, please believe me, if I thought something like that might happen I would have… I would have done things differently. I am so sorry Freddie, I hate seeing you like this." A few tears formed in Sam's eyes, so much for keeping her cool.

Freddie took Sam's left hand in his right hand and squeezed as hard as he could, which was not that hard. "Sam, it's not your fault. It was just my bad luck. The important thing is I'm alive and will get better. Please don't blame yourself. I need you and Carly needs you. We need you to be your usual strong self. Ok, please?"

Sam nodded her head, she let go of Freddie's hand and brushed his hair back off his forehead. She didn't know why she did it, but the gesture seemed to comfort Freddie. "What do you need me to do," she asked as she wiped her tears from her face.

"First, you can tell me why the nurses here think you're my girlfriend, or did I dream all that?"

"Your mother told them that so I could get in to see you in the ICU. I've kept up the story so I can hang out here before and after regular visitor's hours. By the way, if anyone asks; we live across the hall from one another and you had a crush on me for years and always asked me out before I finally gave in and went on a date you. We've been dating about a year." Right then the movie in the DVD player ended; Sam got up and switched Galaxy Wars I with Galaxy Wars II.

Freddie exhaled loudly. As Sam sat back down next to him in the chair, she said, "You know you're lucky it's me here and not Carly. If Carly were doing this you'd be watching Twilight and The Notebook 24 hours a day and after a few weeks you would be so gay. At least we're going to be watching some cool stuff together."

Freddie thought about that as Galaxy Wars II started. He also wondered if maybe he needed something stronger than morphine after all.


	6. I Don't Know If I Can Do This

It was Saturday, July 17th; Carly and Maude were sitting together in the day room. They had just finished lunch; Carly had wanted to stay in bed and spend the rest of the day lying there, but Maude convinced her that wouldn't be a good idea. She told Carly that someone with her condition shouldn't hide out in their room if they wanted the doctors to think they were getting better. Carly acquiesced and thus they found themselves sitting on a small couch together watching the goings on around them.

Carly kept looking at the floor, she was clearly troubled by something in particular. Maude put her left arm around Carly's shoulder, "Ok cupcake, what's the matter? Other than the obvious that is."

"It was my therapy session this morning." Carly kept her voice low.

"What happened?"

"It wasn't any one thing, but…it's just…I don't know if I can do this. The doctor kept telling me that I would have this condition forever that I would have to deal with this my entire life."

Maude agreed, "Yeah that sucks."

"I don't know if I'm strong enough. The voices tell me I can't do it, that I should just kill myself now and get it over with."

Maude grew concerned, "I thought the voices were stopping?"

"The bad voices have stopped. I don't think everyone is going to attack me, but there are other voices. Some tell me I'm good, that I'm great, but I haven't heard them in a long, long time. The voices I hear now tell me I'm worthless, that I'm defective, that everyone hates me." Carly started to cry, "I don't know what to do."

Maude threw her arms around Carly and encouraged her to use her shoulder and let all her tears out. After a while Carly's crying slowed down to gentle sobbing. Maude pulled away from Carly and put her hands on either side of Carly's head. She drew her head close to hers, Carly thought for a second that Maude was going to kiss her, but she stopped with their noses almost touching.

"Carly, look into my eyes, this is very important." Maude paused for a beat then continued, "Carly, you are very depressed right now. Its part of your illness, but you can get over it. Believe me; I know more about depression than anything else in the world. You just have to give your medicine a chance to work and tell your doctors. Please promise me something," Carly nodded slightly, "please promise me that you will tell me if you want to kill yourself."

Carly pulled away from Maude, though she still kept her eyes locked on Maude's, "my family and friends are going to think I'm nuts, they wont' want anything to do with me. Why shouldn't I kill myself? It would be easier for them."

Maude surprised Carly by slapping her across the face; it wasn't a very hard slap, but it still stung. Carly rubbed her left cheek when Maude started speaking in a low, harsh tone of voice, "Carly Shay you are not nuts. You have a disease that affects your brain and there is nothing you or anyone else could have done to change that. Would you feel like this if you had diabetes?"

"If I had diabetes I wouldn't have stabbed Freddie. He'd be just fine."

"That was an accident; you didn't know what you were doing."

"Try telling that to Freddie and his mother."

"Carly, tell me about Freddie, what's he like?

Carly paused for a couple minutes, and then continued, her voice actually reflecting slightly more emotion. "Freddie is so sweet and innocent; he is the kindest and smartest person I have ever met." Carly went on to tell Maude about Freddie's crush on her, about his asking her to be his girlfriend since the 6th grade. She told him about how he never got mad at her even when she would date other boys and how he would always be there for her when the relationships ended. She explained how Freddie had saved her from that taco truck and then broken up with her because he wanted to spare her feelings when he thought she didn't feel the same way for him, that she only went out with him out of a sense of obligation. She finished by explaining how she began dating Derek, and even after what happened with the taco truck, Freddie still remained on of her best friends.

Maude took a moment to digest all of this information. Finally she replied, "wow, Carly, maybe you are nuts after all. Freddie sounds like the perfect man."

"I know, but things were just never right for us. Either he was seeing someone, or I was seeing someone. Now it doesn't matter." Carly sighed.

"You know Carly; I think you may eventually get your chance with Freddie. Do you know why?"

"No, why?

Maude took both of Carly's hands in her own, "because you are getting better cupcake. A couple days ago you couldn't think of Freddie and not have your mind shut itself down. Today you were able to talk about Freddie for at least five minutes straight without any ill effects."

Carly considered that, "you know what, you're right." Carly smiled, "What do you think it is?"

"Well, I think your medicine is kicking in. You said yourself you were hearing fewer voices. Now you just have to remember that the voices that tell you that you are worthless aren't real, that they are just in here," Maude pointed at Carly's forehead. "So, you see, you can do this."

"What should I do now?"

"I think you should ask to see your brother and friends. I also think you should see Freddie if you can. If Freddie is half the person you described to me, I think he would be glad to see you."

Carly got a little nervous. "Are you sure? Freddie has a pretty good reason to hate me now."

"Sweetie, that's just your depression talking right now. I don't think Freddie could ever hate you."

Carly gave Maude a hug and a kiss on the cheek. "Why are you being so nice to me?"

"Because Carly, I wish someone would have done this for me when I was your age and trying to find reasons not to kill myself."

"Maude, I wish I could have been there for you then."

"I know. Hey, you know what I just figured out looking at your wristband?"

"No, what?"

"Your birthday is next Saturday. Come on, let's play some Connect Four. I love that game." Maude led Carly over to a nearby table where a game was unoccupied.

As she played the game with Maude, Carly was surprised to find that she really was starting to feel better about things. Maybe she could do this, she thought to herself.

* * *

Right about the time Carly and Maude were beginning their game of Connect Four; Mrs. Benson was arriving at Freddie's hospital room. She had been gone about 90 minutes taking care of some odds and ends at home and eating some lunch. Sam had promised to stay and watch Freddie.

She thought about how odd that sounded in her head. A week ago you could not have convinced her that Sam Puckett had a compassionate bone in her entire body. Frankly she didn't like Freddie even associating with her outside of school; the only reason she allowed it was because Carly and/or Spencer was usually with them.

Something had changed since Freddie had been in the hospital, however. Sam had spent countless hours waiting outside the ICU just to be close to him. After getting Sam in to visit him she watched him stroke his hand for 15 minutes and even give him a kiss on the forehead before leaving. It had also been her idea to bring things from home into his hospital room to make him more comfortable, even going as far as to bring his DVD player and favorite DVD's in to watch.

Mrs. Benson was about to walk into the room when she stopped in her tracks. Sam was gently wiping Freddie's forehead and cheeks with a washcloth and quietly humming a tune she did not recognize. When Sam was finished she walked over to the sink and rinsed the washcloth with cold water. After squeezing the excess water out, she folded it over a couple times and placed it on Freddie's forehead. As she was doing that she gave Freddie a kiss on the cheek and said something softly. 16 years of over-protective parenting had given Mrs. Benson near superhuman hearing. Even though Sam had probably not meant for anyone to hear her Mrs. Benson could tell she said "sleep well my prince."

Mrs. Benson paused outside the door, a tear coming to her right eye. What she had seen was possibly the sweetest gesture she had ever witnessed towards Freddie that did not come from herself. Not for the first time Mrs. Benson considered the possibility that there were layers to Sam that nobody had ever suspected were there. She seemed far more compassionate than anyone could have imagined. What she had just done was something she herself would do for Freddie. For the first time ever, Mrs. Benson considered the notion that maybe Sam Puckett would make a good girlfriend for Freddie.

After taking a moment to compose herself, Mrs. Benson walked into Freddie's room. Sam was sitting on the chair next to him with her eyes shut. The TV was turned down low. "Sam, I'm back. How's Freddie?"

Sam's eyes opened immediately and she stood up right away. "He wasn't feeling well. He's complaining that he's thirsty all the time and feels warm. He doesn't really like the swabs." Freddie was not allowed to eat or drink anything yet. To help counteract his dry mouth the nurses brought him some small sponges attached to the end of plastic toothpicks. He was supposed to swab the inside of his cheeks and his gums. Unfortunately they weren't very refreshing and Freddie desperately wanted something cold to drink.

"Hopefully he'll be able to drink sometime tomorrow. I'm glad he's sleeping, how long has he been out?"

"He's been sleeping about 10 minutes; it took some doing, he really complained that he was feeling warm. The nurse came in and checked his temp, its normal."

"If you want Sam, why don't you get something to eat for lunch? When did you last eat anyway?"

"I don't know, I grabbed something at Spencer's before leaving. I don't like eating in front of Freddie while…you know."

"Well go get something now. You're looking a little thin. Here take this," Mrs. Benson gave Sam twenty dollars, "make sure you eat some fruit. You need your vitamins."

Sam almost rolled her eyes, she suspected that Mrs. Benson couldn't help but mother someone right now. She took the money, "thanks Mrs. B. I'll make sure to eat an apple or two. I think I'll also go check on Carly. They told me this morning they would probably let her have visitors this afternoon."

"That's good news. Did you tell Freddie that?"

"Yeah, he asked about seeing her. He really wants to tell her that he's not mad or anything like that. I said I'd try and ask a nurse or doctor down there. I'm a little worried; I think Freddie isn't resting as well as he should because he's worried about Carly. He needs to relax more; rest is the best thing for him now."

Again, Mrs. Benson was struck over the change in Sam. She seemed to have given a lot of thought into Freddie's treatment and was genuinely concerned about his recovery. "Can Carly come here? If they need my permission it should be ok as long as they aren't alone."

"I'll ask someone. Thanks again for the lunch money." Sam started walking towards the door; she stopped a few feet short of it and turned around, "Mrs. B, please make sure you wipe Freddie's face with a cool washcloth and place it back on his forehead. He likes that." She turned around again and finished walking out the door before she could get a reply.

Mrs. Benson watched after her for a minute and pondered the irony of anyone, let alone Sam Puckett, telling her how to best care for Freddie. She thought to herself, again, that maybe Freddie could do much worse than Sam.

* * *

Sam was waiting at the front desk of the psych ward. She had called Spencer and told him she was going to try and visit Carly. He had given his blessing and said he would come as soon as he could. There was a contractor coming to the loft soon to give an estimate about installing bars on the windows. Sam didn't want to pry; she knew what they were for.

Sam waited for a few minutes before a doctor came out to greet her. "Hello, I am Dr. Greene."

"Hi Doc, I'm Sam Puckett. I was hoping to visit Carly, if it's ok."

"Yes, it is. I'm glad you came by; I was going to call Carly's brother.  
We had a good session this morning, but Carly still has a ways to go before leaving here. Frankly, I think seeing friends and family would be very helpful for her now."

"Is she ok?"

"She's off to a good start. It's only been a week and we're still adjusting her medication, but we think we have the right one; it's just a matter of getting the dosage correct. Her hallucinations have greatly decreased in frequency. We also had a good first psychotherapy session this morning. She was able to discuss Freddie for the first time, all of the previous times she had tried her mind had shut down."

"Freddie would like to see her. Can she go see him?" Sam was hopeful.

"If it's ok with Freddie's mother than yes, I think we can arrange that. Let's see how she does seeing you first. If that goes well maybe tomorrow we can take her to see Freddie. How is he doing?"

"He's awake but he can't eat or drink anything and it's driving him nuts. I also think he's pretty worried about Carly and it's keeping him from resting as well as he should. I'll be honest, I'm kind of hoping Carly seeing him would help him out as well."

"That's a pretty astute observation, ever thought of becoming a doctor?"

"Not with my grades, besides, I think I'm only good at telling what's wrong with Freddie. I couldn't even tell that my best friend was going crazy." Sam looked down at the floor.

"Sam, schizophrenia is incredibly difficult to diagnose in someone of Carly's age; even among professional psychiatrists. There was really no way you could have been expected to figure that out. Odds are Carly's symptoms escalated so gradually nobody noticed. You have no reason to beat yourself up over it." Dr. Greene was doing his best to reassure Sam.

"I'll take your word for it. So you really think Carly is ready to see me?"

"Yes, I do. I think it would be good for her to begin socializing more. She spends most of her time alone and rarely communicates. She may have to re-learn some of those skills and seeing her best friend is a good place to start."

"I'll do my best. Where do I visit with her? Is there a special room or something?"

"We do have visiting rooms, but it might be better if you met with her in our day room. It's a more informal setting and it might be more comfortable for her. Would that be ok with you?"

"Is it safe with the…you know other patients around?"

"Yes, it's perfectly safe. No known violent patients are allowed unsupervised out of their rooms. There are also nurses and orderlies around who can help you if you need it."

"Anything else I should know?"

"Try to be supportive and comforting. Carly is depressed right now and probably overwhelmed about her future with this condition. Please reassure her that you and Spencer and Freddie will be there no matter what."

"Ok, then let's get to it Doc."

* * *

Sam saw Carly sitting at a table in the day room playing Connect Four by herself. Carly dropped the chips in the board seemingly at random until all the slots were filled. She then emptied the board and started the process again. Sam started walking towards her, feeling more trepidation than she thought she would. She got to within a few feet of the table, approaching from the front, before Carly looked up and noticed her. For a few moments it seemed like she didn't' recognize Sam, but then a half-smile came to her mouth and she shot up and embraced Sam in a tight bear hug.

"You came to see me Sam, I missed you." Carly's voice wasn't as flat as when Sam last heard it, but it wasn't as excited sounding as she had hoped it would be.

"Of course cupcake. I came as soon as they would let me." Sam broke the hug and the two best friends sat down at the table side by side. "How are you feeling?"

Carly hesitated for a few beats and looked around the room before answering. "I'm better. I'm not hearing the bad voices any more. I just hear the mean voices now."

"What do the mean voices say?" Sam was a little nervous, she wasn't sure if she should have asked that question.

"They tell me I'm stupid and worthless."

"Don't listen to them Carls. They're not real."

"They think I should kill myself." Carly's voice remained even and matter-of-fact in tone.

These thoughts worried Sam, understandably. "Carly, please don't listen to them. You are not worthless and you should not kill yourself."

"Are you sure Sam?"

"Yes, god yes, I am sure. I love you so much Carly, I couldn't handle it if you killed yourself. Spencer and Freddie couldn't handle it either."

"Freddie?"

"Yes, Freddie. He has loved you since before the 6th grade Carly. He would do anything for you."

"Even after I….."

"Yes, Carly. I have been spending a lot of time with Freddie the past couple of days. He misses you terribly and wants to see you."

"He must hate me after what I did."

"No, he doesn't. He knows that you are sick and didn't mean to hurt him."

"Can you apologize for me; tell him how sorry I am?"

"Why don't you do that yourself in person? Tomorrow I'll take you to see him."

"Will the doctors let me? I haven't left here in…." Carly's voice trailed off. She couldn't remember how long she had been in the hospital.

"Yes, I talked to your doctor before coming to see you. He thinks seeing Freddie would be good for you."

"Sam, can I tell you something." Carly's voice got a little slower.

"Anything cupcake. Anything at all."

"I'm scared. Sam, I don't know if…" Carly started to sob, tears suddenly flowing down her cheeks. "I don't know if I can live with this."

Carly's abrupt change in mood startled Sam slightly. For a second she didn't know what to do, but she finally just did what came naturally to her. She took Carly into her arms and began rocking her. As Carly cried into her shoulder Sam told her quietly, "don't worry Carls. I will always be there for you, and so will Spencer and so will Freddie. You can live with this because we will always be there to help you. You will never be alone."

"I love you Sam."

"I love you to cupcake and so does Freddie. He'll tell you tomorrow himself. Do you want to go see him?"

Carly nodded her head between sobs. Sam held her like that for what seemed like forever. Eventually Carly fell asleep in Sam's arms. Sam held her like that for a while more and then caught the attention of an orderly who came and lifted Carly out of her arms. As the orderly took Carly to her room, Sam got up to leave the day room and head back to Freddie. It looked like he might have a big day ahead of him tomorrow.

* * *

**Author's note. For those of you hoping for a Carly and Freddie reunion it looks like you will get it in the next chapter. I hope to have it published on Wednesday or sooner. I have to leave Thursday for a family engagement out of town and won't be able to publish anything until Monday night at the earliest after the next chapter. I appreciate everyone who has been reading this story. Please review and let me know what you think.**

**For those of you curious as to what's coming up in the story, here are a couple very mild spoilers. You are going to see Spencer and Carly's father return for an unspecified period of time. You will learn more about their mother's illness in that part of the story as well. Will we see a Seddie versus Creddie love triangle? Notice how Sam seems to tell the truth to strangers she thinks she is lying to and lies to the people she thinks she is telling the truth. **

**Again, thanks to everyone reading this story and please feel free to review or comment. I appreciate all constructive reviews, even negative ones. **


	7. Carly Visits Freddie

Carly Shay was sitting on her bed in her hospital room, her knees drawn up under her chin. This had become her default comfort position when she was scared and when she had difficulty coping. Maude was looking at her from her bed on the other side of the nightstand.

"What's the matter sweetheart?" Maude asked quietly.

"I'm going to see Freddie in a little bit."

"And that scares you, huh?"

Carly nodded her head; she was trembling slightly. "The mean voices are telling me…" Carly's voice trailed off as if she couldn't finish the thought.

"What are the mean voices saying?"

"That I'm…I'm a worthless pig. That Freddie hates me."

Maude came over and sat next to Carly on the bed. "Cupcake, look at me." Carly didn't move, "Carly I said look at me," Maude repeated more forcefully. Carly finally gave in and looked up at Maude.

Maude leaned and kissed Carly on the forehead. "There is nothing, absolutely nothing, worthless about you. The voices are in your head but they are not real. They only power they have is the power YOU let them have."

Carly stopped trembling. "But Freddie…." Again Carly couldn't finish her thought.

"Freddie is going to forgive you. He is your friend and he cares about you. The voices are wrong. Got it?"

Carly nodded her head. Just then Dr. Greene and Spencer arrived at her door. Spencer spoke first, "How are you feeling kiddo? Ready?" Spencer had spent the night worrying about Carly. He had seen her the previous evening a few hours after Sam had seen her. Carly had said very little and did not seem to have any energy. On the bright side, he thought, she was wearing the new pajamas he had brought her and she had apparently showered that morning.

"Yes, I'm just nervous."

Dr. Greene replied, "That's ok Carly, perfectly understandable. You're doing well."

Carly stood up and looked back to Maude. "See you later."

"You'll do fine sweetie, I know you will." Maude waved goodbye.

* * *

Carly was walking down the hall towards Freddie's hospital room. She was flanked on either side by Spencer and Dr. Greene. She was very nervous, her hands were trembling. As she got closer she saw Mrs. Benson standing outside the room. The mean voices rose up in her head.

_She hates you too. You tried to kill her son. You are so pathetic; you're just a stupid cow. Freddie is going to hate you too. God, you are so stupid._

Carly paused and clenched her fists to keep them from shaking. After a moment she started walking again. She tried to put the mean voices out of her head by ignoring them. Finally they arrived outside the room. Mrs. Benson looked down at Carly and smiled. "How are you feeling Carly?"

Carly started shaking again, "I'm sorry Mrs. Benson, I didn't…" Carly's voice trailed off.

"It's ok, I know." Mrs. Benson drew Carly into a hug. Carly had been too young when her mother died to remember what it was like to be hugged by one. What Carly was finding out at that moment is that a hug from a mother is different from a hug from a father, grandfather or even big brother. She found herself calming down. "It's ok. Freddie is inside, he's been anxious to see you. You can go right in."

Dr. Greene spoke up, "Carly, we'll be waiting right outside here. Call if you need help. I think you'll do fine though."

Carly looked to Spencer for encouragement and he nodded his head. "You'll be fine."

After pausing a moment to collect herself she pushed open the door to Freddie's room and entered. She was momentarily surprised to find it filled with Galaxy Wars toys and movie posters. She saw Freddie propped up in his bed, Sam adjusting his pillows to make him more comfortable. When they heard Carly come in Sam stopped and rushed over to greet her.

Sam gave Carly a smile. "I'm glad you're here. Freddie has missed you."

Carly tried to return Sam's smile, "I missed him too."

Freddie called out to his two friends, his voice sounding a bit rough from a lack of moisture, "You know, I'm lying right here. You can come over and talk to me directly."

Carly and Sam turned towards him and Sam smiled. Carly looked down at the floor. Sam led Carly over to her usual chair to the right of Freddie's bed. Sam had turned the chair around so that it faced Freddie. Freddie's eyes followed Carly as she sat down. Sam had spent a lot of time the last few days looking at Freddie. Even though it was not obvious she could tell he was nervous. She didn't say anything; she just moved to the other side of the bed and began to gently rub Freddie's left shoulder and neck. Once she saw he was not going to protest she continued.

Freddie spoke first, "Carly, I want you to know that I'm not mad at you. I know that you are sick right now and need to get better."

Carly looked at the foot of Freddie's bed; the sight sickened her. Freddie had so many tubes coming out of him. "What had she done," she thought to herself. The mean voices answered her.

_You tried to kill your best friend, you stupid cow. You are so stupid, trying to kill your best friend. You are just pathetic, just give up and leave forever. They hate you now._

The voices kept repeating in her head. Carly closed her eyes and looked at the floor; she brought her hands to either side of her head as if that would help expel the voice in her head. "That is not true. They don't hate me." Carly looked at Freddie again. "Do you… h-hate me now?"

Freddie and Sam looked at each other. Freddie turned back to Carly, "Carls, I will never hate you. No matter what."

Carly gestured to Freddie's hospital bed, especially the equipment at the foot of the bed. "But I…I did this to you."

"It was an accident Carly. Accidents happen, it wasn't your fault. It was nobody's fault." Freddie felt Sam's hand squeeze his shoulder just a tad bit harder. The last line was for Sam's benefit as well as Carly's and Sam knew it.

Carly started to cry, "I'm so sorry Freddie. I never wanted to hurt you; I love you so much, please believe me." Carly's words were choked off by her sobbing.

Freddie turned to Sam, "Sam, can you give me and Carly some time alone?"

Sam nodded, "Sure. I'll be right outside. Don't overdo it, your abdomen is still tender, don't move around too much."

"Yes Mom."

Sam stuck her tongue out at Freddie, he returned the gesture. Carly looked at this with some amusement and actually stopped crying. Sam came over to Carly and gave her a hug. "I love you cupcake." When she pulled away she smiled at Carly and Carly actually smiled back a little bit. She then pointed at Freddie, "Don't give him anything to drink while I'm gone. He's not allowed and he might try and charm some water out of you. Don't fall for that raised eyebrow trick of his; it almost worked on a nurse here." Carly actually almost laughed and did manage to smile a bit. Sam then left; Carly and Freddie were now alone.

Carly looked at Freddie with a puzzled look. Freddie answered her unasked question, "Sam has been spending a lot of time taking care of me. I think maybe my mother is starting to rub off on her." Carly's eyes got a little wider. "I know; the idea kind of scares me too." Freddie smiled back at Carly and was glad when Carly returned it with one of her own.

Carly gazed into Freddie's eyes. The voices were trying to barge into her thoughts again, but looking at him; especially his eyes, calmed her down and seemed to help her banish the voices. "Freddie, I'll understand if you don't want anything to do with me anymore. This is so much worse than the taco truck."

"Carly, come a little closer and give me your hands. Unfortunately I'm not too mobile right now." Carly complied and Freddie took both of her hands into his own. "See this hand;" gesturing to her right hand, "this is the hand you stabbed me with." Freddie then brought the back of the hand to his lips and gave a gentle kiss.

He continued to hold both of her hands in his own. "Carly, I want you to understand something. I have loved you for so long, since even before I had any idea what love was. Even if I couldn't love you as a boyfriend, I always loved you as a friend; my best friend. That will never change Carly Shay."

Carly was on the verge of tears again, though not tears of grief. "Freddie, I am always going to be…with this condition. I am never going to be cured."

"I don't care. Carly, I will always love you and I will always be there for you. I promise you, no wait, I vow to you that I will never abandon you. I will support you, I will help you, and I will even take care of you if you'll let me. Don't let those voices ever tell you otherwise. I don't care if you have this condition or not. Carly, I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU."

"Freddie, I love you too so much. I just wish I wasn't, you know, crazy."

"You are not crazy, you're just sick. Don't worry, I am going to do everything I can to help you get better. I promise."

Carly stood up and kissed Freddie on the lips. He was surprised at first but did not resist. "You're wrong; I think I might be crazy. I should have said yes to being your girlfriend way back in the 6th grade."

Carly smiled at Freddie as she sat back down in the chair; Freddie returned her smile and they went back to holding hands. "Carly, I'm feeling pretty worn out. I haven't been sleeping as much as I should. Would it be ok if I took a nap?"

"Of course, I'll go get Sam and your mother." Carly got up to leave but Freddie stopped her.

"Actually, would you stay with me for a bit while I fall asleep?" Freddie hoped that this gesture would help convince Carly that he had forgiven her.

"Sure, if you want. I'd like that."

Freddie lowered his bed a little bit and looked up at Carly as he began to relax and fall asleep. Carly took his right hand in both of hers. After a few minutes Freddie was sleeping. Carly watched him; watched his chest rhythmically rise up and down and watched him smile in his sleep.

After an indeterminate amount of time, Sam and Mrs. Benson came into the room. Carly was still holding Freddie's hand as he slept. When she noticed them she stood up and gave Freddie a kiss on his lips, for a brief moment stealing just a little bit of his breath. She turned to the other two women, "Thank you for letting me see him. I feel a lot better now." Mrs. Benson smiled at Carly, Sam gave her a smile, but it was half-hearted at best. Carly didn't notice.

"Come on Carls," Sam said, "Dr. Greene and Spencer are ready to take you back to the psych ward."

* * *

Carly was lying in her bed back in her hospital room. It was after 10:00pm and all of the lights were out. She was talking with Maude who was in her bed.

"Maude you were so right, thanks for making me go see Freddie."

"It's nothing, cupcake, I knew Freddie wouldn't turn you away. He's way too sweet for that."

"He promised to take care of me even though I'm…"

"Carly, the word is schizophrenic. There is no shame in saying it. You shouldn't avoid it."

"Ok, I'll try."

"You'll do more than try, Ms. Shay. Say it now."

"I don't want to."

"Too bad, say it now or I'll just keep bugging you all night."

"Ok, SCHIZOPHRENIA. I'm SCHIZOPHRENIC. Happy now?"

"Actually yes I am."

"God you're crazy Maude."

"Hey, let's leave that judgment up to my therapists." Maude chuckled.

Carly laughed softly with her. "Deal. Let's get some sleep. Good night Maude."

"Good night Carly."

* * *

Spencer was feeling better than he had in some time as well. He was sitting on his couch watching TV thinking about Carly. Her visit with Freddie had gone better than anyone could have hoped. Dr. Greene told Spencer this was a great step; he admitted that he had actually expected Carly to have a hysterical reaction. He thought he might have to sedate her. Instead she was more sociable with the nurses and orderlies in the day room and seemed to express more emotion than she had at any time since being in the hospital.

Spencer's thoughts were interrupted by the telephone ringing. "Hello."

"Spencer, is that you?" The voice on the other end sounded like it was coming from far away.

"Dad?"

"It's me. Listen, I got your message. We are due to dock at Anchorage in one week. I'm going to be taking some leave then to come home and help you and Carly. How is she doing?"

"She's doing better. She had a good day today."

"That's great Spence. Look I have to go now, I'll see you a week from tomorrow most likely."

"That's great Dad. I could use some help."

"Don't worry, you're doing fine. I'm proud of you."

* * *

**Author's Note. I hope the Freddie/Carly reunion didn't disappoint. This chapter is a little short, but I wanted to make their reunion the main focus. Note Sam's slight disappointment. Freddie may have more to worry about than Sam eventually turning into a teenage version of his mother.**

**This will be the last chapter for a little bit. I have to go out of town on Thursday through the weekend. I may be able to write some, but I won't be able to publish anything until Monday at the earliest. Hope everyone has a great weekend. Thanks again for your time reading this and please post reviews or even send me personal messages with comments if you wish.**


	8. Hospital Daze, Part 1, Carly's Week

**Author's note. This was very difficult to write and I did not go into as much detail as I probably could have (or maybe should have, you be the judge of that). This chapter is short, there is going to be a companion piece posted either later today or sometime tomorrow dealing with Freddie's week at the hospital. Thank you again for reading and reviewing this story. One more thing, when reading this chapter, please consider where it fits into the overall story. I don't mean it to be a simple excuse to write something bloody or gory. Thanks.**

* * *

Carly lie awake the morning after seeing Freddie for the first time since they had both been hospitalized. She was feeling good; since seeing Freddie she had felt like she could cope with her illness. For the first time she felt like should could make it. It was at this point that a voice came to her, a voice she had never heard before.

_You know, you don't need the medicine. You can handle this Carly, you're strong enough. You know how the medicine makes you feel, don't take and feel better. You don't need it. YOU ARE STRONG ENOUGH!_

This was not a mocking voice or a scary voice. This voice actually made Carly feel quite good. It made her feel confident in herself and her abilities; something she had clearly lacked for a long time. She agreed with the voice, the medicine she was taking for her schizophrenia did have unpleasant side effects. She had headaches, light nausea and dizziness. The medication also made her very sleepy. She really didn't like taking it. Was the voice right, could she be ok without the medication?

Carly looked over at Maude still sleeping on her bed. Maude probably wouldn't agree; she never questioned taking her medication. Then again, how many times had Maude said she had been in the hospital? Carly decided to try something new; she would stop taking the medicine and see what happened. Of course her doctors wouldn't let her just stop taking it, she would have to be sneaky; she would have to hide the pills from both the nurses and Maude. Carly smiled to herself, what's the worst that could happen? She was in a hospital already.

When the nurse came by to the room for her and Maude's medicine, Carly dropped her pills in the pocket of her robe while the nurse had her back turned giving Maude her medicine. She was drinking the water down when the nurse turned back to face her. She gave Carly a smile; Carly returned the smile then she and Maude went to the day room to play some Connect Four.

* * *

Spencer came to visit Carly on the Wednesday before her birthday. At this point Carly had not taken any of her medication since the previous Sunday night. They met in one of the patient meeting rooms; Spencer was a little uncomfortable meeting Carly in the day room.

Spencer placed a gift bag on the table between them. "Here, Grandpa Shay sent a gift for your birthday."

Carly opened the bag to find a stuffed panda bear. Carly had absolutely loved panda bears as a little girl and still had several in her bedroom at home. She hugged the stuffed animal close to her neck. "He is so cute. Maude will love him."

Spencer also had a large envelope which he then placed on the table. "Here, Gibby and Tasha made this for you."

Carly opened the card to find it was a large combination birthday and get well card. It had pictures of Carly, Sam, Freddie, Spencer and themselves. It was signed by dozens of Carly's friends, all wishing her a speedy recovery. Spencer had been touched by the gift, but Carly hardly batted an eyelash. "Oh, that's nice. What's for lunch?" Her voice remained flat.

Spencer wanted to say something to her about her nonchalant reaction; Gibby and Tasha had worked very hard on the card, but he knew it would not be a good idea. The lack of an emotional response, or an inappropriate response; these were just byproducts of her illness. She couldn't help herself; though treatment would eventually help. It just saddened him because his sister used to be full of emotion. Whether happy, sad, angry or frustrated; the one thing you could always count on was Carly being open with her emotions. The contrast now really depressed him; it hit home just how much this illness was going to change her life.

They chatted for another 45 minutes. Carly had difficulty maintaining focus and had great difficulty following the subject. She perked up momentarily when Spencer mentioned that Dad was coming home for leave, but she quickly changed the subject and grew more sullen. When it was time to leave Spencer gave Carly a tight hug and kissed her forehead. "Hang in there, kiddo. You're going to be fine."

Carly looked up at her older brother and smiled. Later, Spencer would think that there was something wrong about that smile, something sinister. It was almost as if something demented had possessed her at that moment in time. However, Spencer did not consider that right then and merely smiled back. He continued to smile as an orderly led her out of the room carrying her card while Carly held the stuffed panda bear closely.

* * *

On the night before her birthday, Friday, Carly awoke from a sound sleep. It took a few moments before she was fully awake, but once her mind was clear she discovered that she could not move anything except her head. She was paralyzed from the neck down. She looked over to Maude's bed and found she wasn't there. She was about to scream when a large figure entered the room. There were no lights on in the room itself; the only light came from the hall. This caused the figure to be back-lit and made it impossible for Carly to see his face.

The man approached her bed; Carly still could not see his face clearly, but his voice was very clear. In a deep, commanding tone, he told Carly, "You better not make a sound. You scream or make any noise and it will be the last noise you ever make. Got it?"

Carly whimpered and looked again towards Maude's bed. The intruder saw this and answered Carly's unasked question. "Don't worry about your friend. I took care of her; I didn't want our special time to be disturbed."

Carly was starting to panic. "Wh..what are you going to do?"

"You stupid bitch, what do you think?" The man slipped out of his shoes and slowly let his pants fall to the floor. "You know what the best part is? You're crazy, psycho and schizophrenic. Nobody's gonna believe you if you tell about his anyway." The man laughed.

Tears began to stream down Cary's cheeks. "Please, please don't do this. Please don't hurt me."

The man grunted as he got onto the bed with her. "You be a good girl and maybe I won't hurt you. I'll be nice and gentle."

The mean voices came back to Carly then, almost as if just to mock her.

_This is what you get for being a stupid cow. You are so pathetic; you deserve this. You deserve to be raped right here in your own hospital room. Serves you right. Get used to this; this is the rest of your life._

The man pushed Carly's nightgown up over her waist. His hands roamed her body; caressing her legs, her ass, even her breasts over her clothing. Finally he made his way to her center, his fingers probing her roughly. "Such a pretty young thing you are. Don't get many like you in here. I'm gonna enjoy this."

At that point Carly felt the man enter her vagina; she wanted to scream out for help, but remembered his warning. She shut her eyes and grunted to herself, trying to ignore the pain. She did not want to have sex and her rapist lied about being gentle. "My god it hurts", she thought to herself.

_This is jus the beginning. This is all you're good for. I bet he comes back every night now._

The man thrust harder; the pain was unbearable for Carly and she screamed out. Without slowing down at all he slapped Carly hard across the cheek, she saw stars. Shortly afterward the pain and indignity became too much to bear and Carly's mind took pity on her and she lost consciousness.

* * *

Some time later Carly woke up in her bed. She found she was now able to move her limbs; she also felt something wet and sticky between her legs. Looking down she saw blood mixed another fluid. Her breathing grew ragged; she looked around everywhere wondering if the man had actually left her room. She started sobbing; seeing nobody else she slowly got out of bed and fell to her knees. She crawled to the far corner of the room and sat there with her knees drawn up to her chin.

_You should have listened to us. You are going to be raped here. You are going to be hurt here. Every night you are going to be raped by someone different. They all know about you now, this is the rest of your life. I bet someone is coming right now to rape you again._

Carly shivered and looked around the room; even though she was in a corner and could see everything, she knew she could never be safe. The voices were right; someone was coming for her now. As her sobbing increased in intensity, and her breathing became shallower, she thought about her options. Then another voice came to her.

_You know what to do. This is how you want to live your life? Just do it and get it over with, it will all be better then._

Carly nodded to herself and forced herself to her feet. She desperately looked around the room for something, anything she could use to end her life. There were no sharp objects in the room and the sheets were attached to the mattress. The glass in the window was not breakable and there were bars there in any case. Growing frustrated, Carly began slamming her head against the hard wall of her room. She re-opened the large gash over her eye and began bleeding profusely.

She stopped banging her head long enough to look towards the bathroom. She made her way there on unsteady feet, using her hands for extra support. Once in the bathroom she looked at herself in the mirror. Half of her face was covered in blood that was still flowing freely, her eyes were bloodshot and her skin looked pale and unhealthy. To her, she looked pathetic and useless; someone who no longer deserved to live.

_Take a good look at yourself. You're just wasting your time. Do it now!_

Carly screamed at her reflection with all her might and with all the strength she had left. She slammed her fists against the mirror as hard as she could. After a few blows the mirror cracked and a large sliver came off. Carly picked up the jagged piece and held it up to her eyes. She could only see out of her right eye, but she could tell this would do.

_That's right. You have what you need. You know what to do. It will all be over soon._

Carly smiled; right then a nurse came into her room just in time to see her plunge the shard of glass deep into the side of her neck. Carly crumpled to the ground as blood began spurting in every direction. The nurse did not hesitate for a second; she called the code with her hand-held radio and rushed into the bathroom. She grabbed as many towels as she could and applied direct pressure to her neck. She knew she only had a few precious moments if Carly's life was going to be saved.

As everything grew dark and cold around Carly, her last thought was that they couldn't hurt her anymore; and that thought actually made her quite happy.


	9. Hospital Daze, Part 2, Freddie's Week

Like Carly two floors below him, Freddie Benson woke up extra early that Monday in a good mood. The plan was to remove all of the tubes that were currently connected to his body with the possible exception of his IV. "Good-bye feeding tube, drainage tube and colostomy bag. So long catheter." Freddie spoke softly to himself. It had been so long since he had actually walked on his own two feet, he could hardly wait; he felt like he was six years old again and it was early Christmas morning.

Freddie smiled as he thought about everything he wanted to do once he was mobile again. First thing he wanted to do was take a long, hot shower. Sponge baths just weren't good enough. He couldn't wait to properly clean himself and wash his hair. Then he wanted to take a long walk with Sam around the hospital and maybe even see some actual sunlight. He abruptly stopped his train of thought; "Did I just think to myself that I want to walk with Sam? Why not just walk?" Freddie sighed and contemplated Sam.

Sam had been his near constant companion since he had first woken up; even more than his own mother. This surprised him; he would not have been surprised to find his mother camping out in the room with him 24/7. Instead, while she had spent a lot of time taking care of him, she had left him plenty of time to be alone with Sam. He wasn't kidding when he had told Carly that Sam was becoming a teenage version of his mother. That probably contributed to his mother being comfortable enough to leave him alone with Sam in the first place.

Freddie chuckled to himself as he thought about his mother and Sam. Even in his somewhat altered state he could tell they were getting along very well, maybe too well. When tending to him their movements were coordinated, almost like some sort of weird hospital ballet. If his mother was checking his temperature, Sam was getting a cool washcloth. If Sam was getting him some new sponges to wet his mouth, his mother was getting fresh cold water. He noticed his mother giving Sam money for lunch and inviting her over for dinner. It had occurred to him that neither Sam nor his mother had yet to eat anything in front of him. Probably so he wouldn't be uncomfortable since he couldn't eat or drink yet. "Soon, though," Freddie thought to himself, "better add drinking water to that list."

If someone had told him a month ago that Sam and his mother would get along this well he would have thought they were crazy. Sam had never endeared herself to his mother; she tended to think that Sam was lazy, rude and generally ill-mannered. This, Freddie thought, wasn't actually untrue. Something had changed her mind about Sam, though; was it her waiting outside the ICU? A nurse had told Freddie that Sam had spent almost every minute of his stay in the waiting room and Sam had said his mother made up the lie about being his girlfriend so she could sit with him in the ICU. Sam told him she had perpetuated the lie in order to be able to hang out in his room before and after regular visiting hours.

Freddie had done nothing to correct the situation. He really didn't mind Sam hanging out with him. Without her he would have gone crazy long ago and wound up with Carly in the psych ward. Wait, he scolded himself, he shouldn't joke about that. Still, he really appreciated everything Sam had been doing for him. She had gone out of her way to make him as comfortable as possible and to tend to all of his needs. It was a side of her he had never seen before. He supposed he wasn't too shocked; Melanie he could picture doing stuff like this and they were twins. Why not Sam then? Still, the whole situation would take some getting used to. He had to admit, however, that the thought of having Sam as an actual girlfriend did not seem as farfetched as it would have before his accident.

His thoughts were interrupted as Sam bound into his room. "Hey, you're awake early today." Sam's voice was chipper for being so early in the morning. She stepped over to Freddie and kissed him on the cheek without thinking. She took his water cup and went over to the sink to refill it with fresh water.

Freddie was stunned as he watched Sam with his mouth agape. After a few moments he finally found his ability to speak. "Sam, did you just kiss me?"

Sam returned and set his fresh water down on the tray next to his bed. "Did I do what?" She sounded surprised.

"Did you just kiss me on the cheek just now?"

Sam was at a loss for words. "I..uh…did I?" Sam knew she was caught; she had gotten into the habit of giving Freddie a kiss whenever he was sleeping and she left or arrived. What she would never admit, not even to herself, was that she purposely waited until he was sleeping to leave just so she could kiss him.

"Yes, Sam, I think you did."

"I'm sorry, force of habit I guess."

"Ok." Freddie relaxed for a few moments, "Wait a sec, what did you mean by force of habit? Do you always kiss me in the morning?"

Sam began to blush, something Freddie had never seen her do before. He found it quite endearing actually; he thought Sam looked, well, he thought she looked beautiful when she blushed. Sam looked down at her feet as she answered, "Well, usually you're sleeping when I get here. I usually give you a peck on the cheek. I'm sorry."

"Sam look at me." Sam hesitated, her cheeks were quite red. "Come on Sam, please look at me." Sam finally complied; Freddie continued, "You don't have to be sorry, I'm not mad. There are worse things you could do to me." He smiled, hoping to put her at ease.

It worked somewhat, Sam looked at him, but her cheeks were still flushed. "I just had to make it look like I was your girlfriend, you know, in case any nurses or doctors came in."

"Ok, that makes sense. Is that the only time you kiss me when I'm not conscious?"

Sam hesitated, "Its…well…when you're asleep I usually give you a kiss when I leave and if you're still sleeping when I get back…"

"Just to make it look good for the hospital staff…right?"

Sam perked up, "Yep, for the hospital staff."

A nurse came in just then. "Mr. Benson, how about we see about getting rid of all those tubes?"

"You have no idea how much I've wanted to hear that." Freddie couldn't contain his excitement.

"That's good. Now take a hit of morphine now. The doctor should be here very soon and we'll get started." The nurse left after checking Freddie's vitals.

Sam sat down in her usual seat next to the bed. An uncomfortable few minutes ensued where neither Freddie nor Sam knew quite what to say. Finally, Freddie spoke, "So where's Mom?" Freddie assumed they had come to the hospital together.

"She went to get some coffee."

Dr. Craig and a resident came in, sparing Freddie and Sam further awkward conversation. "Freddie, how are you feeling this morning? Ready to be unhooked from all those tubes and wires?"

"You have no idea. Well, ok, maybe you do."

Dr. Craig laughed, "Don't worry, all patients in your situation can't wait for this moment. Now, everything looks good; vitals are strong and there is no sign of infection. How about we get started?"

Sam stood up, "Doctor, will this take long? Should I leave?"

"It shouldn't take too long to remove everything," Dr. Craig turned to speak to both Sam and Freddie, "But Freddie will need to go to radiology so we can check and make sure all the plumbing is in working order. Radiology may take a couple hours."

Freddie was curious, "Are they going to take an x-ray?"

"Well sort of. First you're going to drink barium. As for that, there's good news and bad news. The bad news is the stuff takes like, well, it tastes pretty horrible. The good news; at least it is cold. Once you drink that we'll be able to see how it moves through your system. If everything looks good you can begin drinking water and going on a clear liquid diet."

The words "clear liquid diet" had never sounded so good to Freddie. "All right, doc, I'm ready. Sam, will you be ok?"

Sam almost laughed, "I think I'll manage."

Dr. Craig spoke up, "Don't worry Freddie. We'll have you back and in the care of your pretty girlfriend in no time."

Sam turned so that her face was close to Freddie's and only he could see her lips. She mouthed the words, "Gotta make it look good," and gave Freddie a long kiss on the lips. She pulled away and smiled as it was now Freddie's turn to blush. She said, aloud this time, "I'll be back in a few hours. I'll find your mother and let her know where you are. Love you." She turned and left as Dr. Craig and the resident began their work on Freddie. It was some time before he stopped blushing.

* * *

The 2nd morning after Freddie had his various tubes and IV's removed; Sam arrived late, around 10:30. She was late because she had to pick up a present for him. Upon arriving she found Mrs. Benson chatting with Freddie. She set the large box down on the unoccupied chair in the room; she almost went to kiss him on the cheek, but managed to catch herself in time. "Sorry I'm late; I had to pick something up."

Freddie replied, his voice cheery, he had been so happy since being unhooked from everything. "That's ok; mom's just keeping me informed of the goings on at work."

"Speaking of which," Mrs. Benson stood up, "I should probably go there and earn my keep." She bent over and gave Freddie a kiss on the forehead. "I'll be back tonight. Sam, take good care of him." She handed Sam $40 as she left, Sam had been eating dinner in the room with Freddie since he could now take clear liquids.

"So," Freddie began once his mother had left, "What's in the box?"

Sam smirked, somewhat like one of Freddie's. "It's a gift for you, to celebrate your new mobility and freedom." She cleared the tray above Freddie's lap and placed the box on top of it.

Freddie gently shook the box so that the bottom would slide away from the top. He had no idea what to expect. He cleared the paper from the top to find a new robe inside. He pulled the robe out of the box, "Is this a new robe? It's beautiful." He wasn't lying just to be nice; the robe was black and made of the softest most luxurious material he had ever felt. "Thank you Sam."

"You're welcome. I hope you like it."

"I do, wait a minute; you didn't steal this did you?" Freddie was half-joking.

"No," Sam stuck her tongue out at Freddie, "I saved and called in some favors. I even had it monogrammed on the breast."

Freddie was genuinely touched, "Sam, you didn't have to do this."

Sam had a wide grin on her face. "Yes I did. I can't have my fake boyfriend walking around the hospital in a ratty old Galaxy Wars robe. How about you try it on and we take it for a spin."

Freddie didn't argue and began the process of getting out of bed. Sam was about to help him, but caught herself, she knew he wanted to start doing this himself. With some effort he had himself sitting on the edge of the bed. With a final push he managed to stand upright. Sam came over in front of Freddie and helped him into the robe. His surgery hadn't healed enough to allow him much movement in his torso. He had a lot of difficulty reaching behind him.

Sam gently tied the robe around him so as not to put pressure on his bandages. She looked him over and pronounced him presentable. They left the room and walked hand-in-hand slowly down the hallway. There was a terrace on the floor with tables and chairs outside. After spending so much time under harsh hospital lighting, Freddie found that he missed actual sunshine and fresh air and loved spending time out on the terrace. The day was sunny; they sat down on a double deck chair next to each other, Freddie more gingerly than Sam. Once they were both comfortable Freddie spoke.

"Thanks again for this robe Sam. It really is gorgeous, comfy too."

"I'm glad you like it, I really thought you could use a new robe."

A light smirk crossed Freddie's face, "Just to make it look good to the nurses and doctors, huh?"

Sam flashed her own smirk, "Yeah, I take this fake girlfriend stuff pretty seriously."

"You know, Sam, I've been thinking a lot lately. I don't really have a whole lot to do here besides think." Freddie paused and adjusted himself so he was facing Sam a little more. "I've been thinking about something a lot. Can I ask you a question? An important question?"

"Sure Freddie."

"Can you promise you'll give me an honest answer?"

Sam fidgeted, in her experience it usually wasn't good when someone asked for an honest answer. "Ok, shoot."

"Everything you've done for me; are you doing it because you feel guilty about what happened, am I your conscience-clearing foreign bacon? Or do you really like me?"

Sam looked at her shoes, clearly uncomfortable. "What do you mean like you? Can't someone help take care of their friend who is in the hospital?"

"Yes, but I think you're doing more than that. You spent days outside the ICU, you come here every morning and spend close to the entire day with me, you fuss over me to the point where mom really respects you now, you buy me this robe and you apparently kiss me when I'm sleeping. Someone who is just a friend doesn't really do all that; I can't see Gibby doing that for me. I don't want to even picture Gibby doing half that for me." Freddie smiled at the thought and Sam laughed. "Sam, you say you're doing this to keep up appearances and look like you're my girlfriend, but I think you are maybe too convincing. Are you still pretending?"

Sam couldn't keep from blushing; she kept looking down at her shoes. "Maybe." She started to tremble a little bit.

Freddie took Sam's left hand, "Sam, let's stop pretending." Sam looked at Freddie suddenly; she couldn't help but look relieved. Freddie leaned in as best he could; Sam met him half-way and they kissed deeply on the lips, only this time it wasn't being done to convince anyone else they were a couple.

* * *

It was early Friday evening and Sam arrived at Freddie's hospital room to find him sitting on the edge of his bed already wearing his robe. "What's going on Freddie, are you ok?"

Freddie couldn't prevent a grin from spreading across his face. "I am more than ok." He pushed himself off the bed, "Come on or we'll be late for our reservation." He took Sam by her hand and led her out of the room. He walked her over to the nurse's station where the regular day shift nurse on duty gave them both a warm smile.

She spoke to Freddie, "Everything's all set. Come on, I'll take you there now."

Sam was confused, but just followed along. The nurse led them back to an area set aside for hospital staff only. They entered a break room that was only illuminated by several candles; inside was a table with two chairs on either side. There were two covered trays of food; one tray had a soft drink next to it, the other a bottle of water. In the middle was a red rose.

"Thanks Maria," Freddie said, "I really owe all of you."

"That's ok Freddie. Now you take all the time you need." With that she left Freddie and Sam to their makeshift candlelit dinner.

Freddie led Sam over to the chair with the tray next to the soda. She sat down, still at a loss for words as Freddie sat himself down in his chair. "Sam, I'm sorry I couldn't do much better than this for a first date. I promise I'll do better when I'm out of this place and healed well enough."

Freddie lifted the cover off of his tray; Sam could see he had gelatin and broth, not the most appetizing dinner she thought. She lifted the cover off of her own tray to find something completely different. On her plate was a medley of pork products. Bacon, ham and pork chops; all of her favorites, and not one vegetable in sight.

A tear escaped Sam's eye; Freddie took her hand. "Is this ok? I know it's not fancy, but it's the best I could do."

"Freddie, this is perfect. It's just…nobody's ever done something this sweet for me before." Sam couldn't help herself; she got up out of the chair and threw her arms around Freddie, kissing him as passionately as she could. After a few minutes she pulled away, "I don't know what to say."

"Don't say anything, just be happy."

* * *

**Author's note. This chapter is much, much lighter in tone than Carly's obviously. Right now Freddie is in a much better place than she is. Mild spoiler alert, Carly's suicide attempt does not succeed and you will see her father enter the story in the next chapter. Some have questioned whether Carly was actually raped; I won't say for certain here, but remember that Carly's grasp on reality is not the strongest and she had stopped taking her medication. Ok, I pretty much told you for certain.**

**Thanks to those who advised me to make the rating for this story an M. I made that change and added a rape/suicide attempt warning in the summary. Again, I thank everyone who has been reading this and reviewing. I encourage people to review, even if it is not positive, and to please let me know if they feel I am not treating the subject matter with enough respect.**

**One more thing, I am pretty sure Sam is getting way OOC. Let me know what you think. Thanks again.**


	10. Enter Colonel Shay

It was late on the Friday night before Carly's 16th birthday, almost midnight. Sam and Spencer were sitting on the couch watching an old movie. They hadn't seen too much of either over the past week and were catching up on things. Sam, of course, talked mostly about Freddie.

"So wait, you were kissing him when he was sleeping and he had no idea?" Spencer asked.

"For the last time, YES, I was kissing him whenever he was sleeping. Is that weird?"

"Yeah, it's way weird. And coming from me that really says something." Spencer started laughing.

Sam hit him with one of the couch pillows. "Freddie thinks it's sweet."

Spencer kept laughing. "If you say so. Hey, you don't come into my room and make out with me when I'm sleeping, do you?"

"You wish Shay. When's the last time you kissed a woman anyway?

"Hey, Gibby's mother wanted to kiss me!"

"Think about that for a sec Spence. You might as well have kissed Gibby himself." Sam said as she couldn't help but start laughing.

Spencer replied by hitting Sam with his own couch pillow, which invited a like reply by Sam, and soon the two friends were having a rather heated pillow fight. Though they didn't realize it, it was something they both needed to do to release some of the stress that had been building up the past couple weeks. They were eventually interrupted by a loud knock on the door that startled both of them.

Spencer got up to answer the door. He opened without checking the peephole, "Dad! You're early."

Colonel Shay didn't hesitate and gave Spencer a hug, "I missed you son. I couldn't wait any longer and made arrangements to get me here a little earlier. Hope you don't mind."

"No Dad, it's no problem. Come on in. Sam's here."

Colonel Shay stepped into the loft and set his bag down by the door, "Hi Sam. Isn't it kind of late, shouldn't you be getting home?"

Spencer answered for Sam, "its ok Dad, Sam's been crashing here since Carly and Freddie went to the hospital. We're much closer than her house."

"Not to mention my mother's at home." Sam didn't elaborate further.

Colonel Shay had heard a lot about Sam's home life from Carly over the years. He had a good idea why Sam preferred not to go home and didn't press the issue. "If there's no room I can stay at a hotel."

"You don't have to do that Dad. The spare bedroom is ready for you; Sam's been crashing on the couch."

Sam added, "I'll just sleep in the studio. My sleeping bag is still there anyway. In fact I'll head up now so you two can talk in private. Night Spencer, night Colonel Shay." Sam hurried up the stairs. She figured Spencer and his father would have a lot to talk about.

Spencer led his father over to the couch, "Can I get you anything?"

"No Spence, I'm fine."

Spencer sat down on the opposite end of the couch. He had always been slightly intimidated by his father and was a little nervous. "I'm glad you're here. I think it'll be good for Carly."

"How is Carly doing?"

"She's better than when she first went to the hospital. In fact she saw Freddie last Sunday and that went well. But I'm not sure she's having a good week. I saw her on Wednesday and earlier today and she seemed…I don't know how to describe it, she just seemed more distant. I wish there was more I could do."

Colonel Shay could remember feeling the same way sometimes with his wife and their battles with her condition. He adjusted himself on the couch so he was facing Spencer. "There's something important I need to tell you Spencer." Colonel Shay paused and then continued, "I don't want you to beat yourself up over this. This isn't your fault at all; in fact I want you to know that I'm very proud of you. You're doing great."

"Thanks, but how do you know I'm beating myself up?"

"Because I did when your mother got sick. I was sure it was my fault somehow. It took a long time for me to get over that; I don't want you to do that to yourself."

"I just hope I'm strong enough to handle this." Spencer looked down towards the floor.

"Spencer, you're plenty strong. You took in Carly when most men your age would want nothing to do with that much responsibility and you've done a great job raising her. Don't forget dropping out of law school."

Spencer winced; he worried about this becoming a bone of contention between them. "Look, about law school…"

"Dropping out of law school took a lot of guts, Spencer." Spencer was surprised; he hadn't expected to hear that. "You didn't want to be a lawyer, you wanted to follow your dream and be an artist. It took a lot of guts to do that and I admire you for it."

"Grandpa doesn't feel the same way."

"I'm not surprised. I love Grandpa to death, but he seems to think that he knows what's best for everyone and can't understand it when people disagree with him. Do what I always do and just ignore him."

Spencer and his father shared a laugh. "Thanks Dad. I really appreciate that."

"You're welcome. Look, it's late and I've been traveling a long time here. How about we get some sleep? I'd like to get to the hospital early and see Carly."

"No problem Dad. Come on, I'll show you to the guest room."

* * *

Spencer's phone woke him out of a sound sleep. "Hello," he said his voice still groggy. Spencer became alert quickly; it was the hospital calling to tell him about Carly's suicide attempt. "We'll be there as soon as possible." He hung up the phone, quickly threw on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt, and then went to get his father.

Spencer knocked on his father's door and opened it, "Dad, wake up there's an emergency with Carly we have to go."

Colonel Shay had spent much of his adult life in the military and waking up suddenly but still alert was second nature to him. "What time is it?" There wasn't a clock in the room.

"Almost 4:00a.m. They said Carly's in surgery right now, she tried to stab herself."

"Did they tell you anything else?"

"No, I told them we'd be there soon; I'd rather talk to a doctor."

Colonel Shay finished getting dressed and put on his shoes, "Should we wake Sam up?"

Spencer thought for a moment, "No, I'll text her from the hospital. She's tired and could use the sleep."

Upon arriving at the hospital Spencer and his father went to the front desk and explained they were there for Carly Shay and that she was in emergency surgery. They were directed to the surgical wing waiting room and told a nurse would come and speak with them there.

They weren't waiting more than a couple minutes before a nurse came out to speak with them. She sat down in a chair opposite Spencer and Colonel Shay. "Carly's still in surgery; she should make it though it was close."

"What happened," Spencer asked?

"We don't know why she did it, but Carly managed to smash the mirror in her bathroom and slashed her neck with a shard of glass. She hit her carotid artery; fortunately a nurse had come into her room just then and was able to apply pressure quickly."

Colonel Shay asked, "When do you think we can see her?"

"Several hours at least. Dr. Ramirez thought she would be finished in the next 30 minutes. The hard work of repairing the artery is done; by the way Carly's lucky, Dr. Ramirez is probably the best vascular surgeon on the west coast. Carly will be in recovery a few hours before she's moved into the ICU for a day or two. She lost a massive amount of blood and will need to be monitored closely."

Spencer wanted to know why Carly did this. "What about Dr. Greene, Carly's psychiatrist? Does he know what happened?"

"I called him myself; he is on his way in." The nurse stood up, "I have to get back and check on Carly. I'll let you know as soon as she is out of surgery. I'll also have Dr. Ramirez come out and talk with you."

* * *

Spencer and his father were sitting in a consultation room near the ICU with Dr. Greene. It was almost one in the afternoon; Carly had been moved to the ICU from recovery in the last 30 minutes. They were both anxious to speak with Dr. Greene; they hoped he could provide more information.

At least Carly's physical prognosis was good. Dr. Ramirez had explained that the artery was cut badly, but they had managed to repair it and she did not think there would be any permanent complications. Thankfully a nurse had gotten to her in time. That news had heartened Sam and Freddie, though Sam was still upset that Spencer had not awoken her right away that morning.

Dr. Greene spoke after being introduced to Colonel Shay. "I spoke to Carly in recovery. She believes she was raped last night and tried to kill herself out of fear and grief. We searched her room and found almost a week's supply of her medication in the pocket of her robe."

Colonel Shay sighed quietly, this sounded too familiar; Spencer and Carly's mother would sometimes skip her medication. Spencer was the one who replied to Dr. Greene, "Are you sure that Carly wasn't actually…raped?"

"Positive. Carly was graphic in her description of what happened. Just to be safe we ran a rape kit and even did a pelvic exam. There are no signs of rape or sexual activity of any kind; her hymen is still intact, she's never had sexual intercourse."

"Are you saying she imagined being raped?" Spencer's voice was slightly raised.

"Spencer, schizophrenics can have quite detailed and realistic hallucinations that are not just visual or auditory in nature. I have no doubt that Carly actually thought she was being raped and that it felt as real to her as if it actually happened."

Colonel Shay finally spoke, "Are you putting Carly back on the same medicine?"

"Yes, but we're going to increase the dose slightly. She was making very good progress before she stopped taking the medication; I think we were on the right track. She is going to be on a suicide watch when she returns to the psychiatric ward and she will be on a medication check."

"What's a medication check?" Spencer asked.

"When Carly is given her mediation the nurse who gives it will have to actually watch her swallow the pills and then search her mouth to ensure she swallowed them."

"When can I see my daughter?"

"I can take you now if you like. I want to warn you, though, that it might be a little hard to take. Carly is heavily bandaged and her head is immobilized to keep the artery as still has possible. She is also in wrist restraints." Spencer and Colonel Shay looked at him with the same questioning look, "Carly became hysterical after waking up and tried to rip out her IV's. She was sedated and restrained for her own safety. When you are sitting with her you can remove those restraints if you would like." With that, Dr. Greene stood up and led Spencer and his father to the ICU.

* * *

Colonel Shay sat down next to his daughter's hospital bed and tried to keep from weeping. It had been far too long since he had seen her in person, but he had seen pictures and home movies of her and, of course, her web show. She had always seemed vibrant and outgoing; the picture of health, a beautiful girl becoming a beautiful young woman. Now she looked so vulnerable and fragile; it was as if she were seven years old again and afraid of thunderstorms.

Carly was lying on her back, gently sleeping, with her bed slightly inclined. Her head was currently immobilized so that she did not put any undue stress on the surgically repaired artery she had cut in her suicide attempt. She had thick bandages encasing the left side of her neck and the gash she had reopened over her right eye was bandaged as well. Colonel Shay noted how pale her skin looked and the dark circles under her eyes. He watched her breathe for a few minutes, her chest gently rising and lowering, and then undid her arm restraints. He tried to be gentle so as not to wake her but was not successful. Carly opened her eyes and blinked, fear beginning to form in her eyes until they focused on her father and realization came to her.

"Daddy?" Carly's voice was weak; it sounded like the voice of a seven year old girl.

"It's me Carly. I'm here." He took her right hand in both of his.

"Daddy I'm sorry." Carly started to cry.

Colonel Shay tried to keep from crying himself, and mostly succeeded, but a few stray tears escaped his eyes. "Its ok sweetheart, you don't have anything to be sorry for."

"I'm so scared Daddy. Somebody….hurt me and I'm so scared."

"It's ok now, I'm here and Spencer's here too."

"I'm sorry, I just didn't want to be scared anymore. I'm sorry Daddy. Please don't leave me."

"I'm not going to leave. I promise." Colonel Shay gently stroked Carly's hand.

Carly began to drift off back to sleep. "I'm sorry," was the last thing she whispered before she finally fell back into a slumber.

Colonel Shay watched his only daughter sleep. His thoughts drifted to his late wife, Maria, and her battle with this same disease, a disease that ultimately took her life when Carly was just four years old. Carly did not know the true nature of her mother's death. Colonel Shay did not think she could handle the truth at such an early age; Spencer and the rest of the family went along with him. She thought her mother died of cancer when in truth she took her own life.

There were many things he regretted in his life. Near the top of the list was his behavior after his wife became sick. He spent far too much time away from her and Spencer; he told them and he told himself the Air Force was demanding and that he was needed away from home. The truth was he relished not being at home with them. He was unsure how to handle Maria's worsening condition and the thought of being a father to a young child scared him. When away for long stretches either his or Maria's mother would stay with them.

After Maria died he had no choice but to leave the Air Force and stay home with Spencer and Carly. Spencer was 16 then and able to help with Carly's care. "Hell", he thought to himself, "Spencer really raised her and I was just helping him." While he no longer had to worry about his wife's illness, Carly was very sickly as a child and this increased his anxiety over his own parenting skills. For three years he worried constantly about whether he was a good enough parent. When 9/11 happened he was almost relieved. It gave him the perfect excuse to rejoin the Air Force, though he told everyone he was doing it because his country needed him. He could never admit to anyone, he could barely even admit it to even himself, that he was scared of being a father and felt safer on the other side of the world from his own children.

There were times when he would wonder whether he made the right decision. When he considered how well Carly seemed to be doing, and the fact that her asthma attacks had stopped at almost the same time he left, he felt sure he had done the right thing. Now, though, things were different. Carly was sicker than she had ever been before, and as could be plainly seen, her very life was in danger right now. As he watched his daughter sleep, Colonel Shay resolved to not run away this time and abandon his children.

When it was time for him to leave he stood up and gave Carly a kiss on her right cheek. He then leaned in close to her right ear and whispered, "I'm sorry about not being here for you, I promise I'll do my best from now on."

* * *

**Author's note. Sorry if this chapter feels a bit like filler. At least now you know that Carly did survive and was not actually raped. There are times when schizophrenics can have hallucinations like that, instead of just seeing things or hearing voices, they can hallucinate actually being touched. Imagine how terrifying it must have been for Carly when you consider her suicide attempt. I also hope you like my characterization of Colonel Shay here. Most stories here seem to portray him as something of a mean and hard person; I wanted to take a different approach with him.**

**Thank you for reading this story and posting reviews. I appreciate any feedback offered. For those in the United States please enjoy your holiday weekend. For those in Canada, I hope you had a wonderful Canada Day. **


	11. Hospital Confessions

On the Wednesday morning after her suicide attempt, Carly Shay was moved back to the psychiatric ward. They did not put her in the same room she had before; she was grateful for that kindness, but she thought she would miss having Maude as a roommate. As it turned out, she did not have to worry about that; as she was led into her new room she found Maude sitting cross-legged on the room's second bed, the one closest to the window. The scene was almost exactly the same as the first time Carly met Maude.

Carly felt certain that Maude would be upset with her for not taking her medication. For all she knew, Maude would think she got what she deserved. Carly slowly walked to her bed, sat on the edge facing Maude, but kept her head pointed towards her feet. With a quiet, weak voice that was almost a whisper Carly said, "I'm sorry Maude. I messed up. I'll understand if you don't want to be friends."

Maude stayed silent for a full minute while pondering the sight of Carly sitting just a few feet from her. Finally she stood up and took the few steps over to Carly. She gently lifted Carly's chin with her right hand, being careful not to disturb the heavy bandages that still encased the left side of Carly's neck. Carly's eyes were possibly the saddest she had ever seen; they were a deep shade of brown and tears were quickly forming. Maude bent over and gave Carly a kiss on her right cheek and another on her forehead. She carefully wrapped her arms around Carly, "I'm still your friend, don't worry about that. I'm just glad you're ok, I was scared there for a while."

Carly began to cry harder, her tears starting to stain Maude's hospital gown. "I'm sorry; I thought I didn't need the medicine. I thought I was good enough."

"Cupcake, it's not a matter of you being good enough. You have an illness and you need your medicine."

"The medicine makes me feel weird; I don't want to take it."

"I know, but look what happened when you stopped. You almost died Carls, I don't know what I would have done if you had."

"I'm sorry, I was so scared and you weren't there." Carly started to tremble as she remembered that night. "Dr. Greene told me it was just a hallucination, but it was so real."

"Sweetie, sometimes hallucinations can seem more real than anything in the world. I know you were scared and I'm sorry I wasn't there to help."

"I know the rape didn't actually happen, but I wish it had. I'd actually feel better if I was raped." Carly cried harder into Maude, who sat down next to Carly and gently rocked her. "At least if I was actually raped I wouldn't be so crazy."

"Don't say that Carly. Remember you're not crazy, you are just sick. If you take your medicine and do what your doctor says you will get better."

"I'm not gonna get better, I am always gonna have this sickness. I'll never get better."

"It won't be easy, but at least you have people who love you and will help you. Your brother will always be there for you, so will Sam. What about Freddie? You were so happy after you saw him."

"Like they will want to take care of me for the rest of my life? I'm just going to wind up being a burden to them."

Maude was worried about Carly's train of thought. Maude knew all about depression and self-loathing; she could tell that Carly was severely depressed right now. "You are not a burden. You are a beautiful person who makes her friends and family happy. I am sure that if you had died the other night they would be weeping for you right now."

"You're just saying that."

"Carly, if you had died I wouldn't have made it. I would have killed myself too. Though as you can see from my track record I'm not too good at that." Maude laughed softly at her own joke.

Carly chuckled softly, "Don't do it on my account. I'm not worth it."

"Yes you are, Cupcake. You are worth it and I'm going to help you get better if you let me."

"You still want to help me, even after what I did?"

"Uh-huh. First things first, you are going to take all of your medication and I'm going to make sure you do. You are also going to open up to your doctor in your therapy sessions. Finally, you are going to tell me if you want to kill yourself again. Promise me."

"Maude, I think you're my best friend in the world."

"No, sweetie, Sam and Freddie are your best friends. I'm just one of your good friends. That reminds me, there is one more thing; you have to promise that you will let all of your family and friends help you. They want you to get better, and want to help, but you have to let them. If you don't let them then they can't help you. Ok?"

Carly nodded into the Maude's chest. She was glad that Maude had not rejected her. "Maude, can I be honest and confess something to you?"

"Of course, I want you to always be honest with me. Remember, you can tell me anything at all."

"Maude, I wish I had killed myself the other night. I don't think I want to live anymore."

Maude did not answer Carly. She rocked her gently until she fell asleep and then placed her gently down on her bed, being careful not to disturb the bandages that covered her neck. She then went and lied down on her own bed and stared at Carly as she slept. Carly's breathing was steady and her chest lightly rose with each breath. Maude was not religious in the least, but she said a silent prayer asking that Carly be granted sweet dreams. Maude thought that she deserved at least a little bit of peace in her slumber.

* * *

Spencer and his father said their good-byes to Carly and watched as she was led to her new room in the psychiatric ward. They would have wanted to visit longer with her but Dr. Greene decreed that she needed to rest for a few hours. After speaking with Dr. Greene for a few minutes about Carly's treatment, they decided to go see how Freddie was doing.

Upon arriving at Freddie's room they found Sam sitting Indian style in a chair to the right of Freddie's bed. Freddie was propped up in his bed reading a tech magazine while Sam was half-heartedly watching a DVD of season two of 24.

Spencer thought they looked like one of those couples that had been married for 20 years and completely comfortable with each other's company. He smiled as his father followed him into the room, "Staying out of trouble I see. How are you feeling?"

Freddie spoke up, "Welcome to Casa Freddie. I can't get into any trouble with Princess Puckett keeping an eye on things."

Sam stood up and took Freddie's hand, "He tries that eyebrow trick on me every so often, but I'm getting wise to it. How's Carly?"

Spencer and Colonel Shay walked to the other side of Freddie's bed. Spencer said, "Carly's doing ok. She left the ICU just now to go back to the psychiatric ward. Freddie, have you ever met Dad?"

"No, I haven't." Freddie held out his right hand. "Colonel Shay, right?"

Colonel Shay shook Freddie's hand, "No need to call me Colonel. That's too formal and nobody here is in the armed forces."

Freddie replied, "Ok, Mr. Shay then."

"Mr. Shay sounds too formal as well. How about you call me Steve? Same for you Sam."

Freddie smiled, "Sounds good to me."

Colonel Shay, Steve, pulled the room's other chair over to Freddie's bed and sat down. He had seen Freddie on the web show before, and in pictures, but had never met him in person or spoken to him. Carly had talked quite a bit about Freddie over the years, however, and he felt he knew the boy pretty well. "Freddie, I'm sorry for what happened to you. How are you holding up?"

"I'm doing a lot better. They re-wired some of my plumbing and repaired my stomach; that's healing so far so good, but I can only eat clear liquids. They think my pancreas is going to be ok, no need for a transplant. I'm just sick of eating nothing but broth, jello and water."

Sam interjected, "You can have Italian ice for a treat. How about I go get you some now?" Sam kissed Freddie quickly on the lips and left the room.

Freddie blushed slightly; he wasn't entirely used to public displays of affection from Sam yet. He noticed the slightly surprised look on Steve's face. "Sam and I have started…sort of dating. So far our only date has been to the nurse's lounge on this floor, but we are a couple now." Freddie couldn't keep himself from smiling as he thought about their date.

"Congratulations Freddie, I'm really happy for you. Is there anything me or Spencer can do for you?"

"I don't think so, between Sam and my mother I'm pretty well taken care of. You know, on second thought, I could maybe use a more recent copy of Tech News Monthly. This one is from April."

"I think me and Spencer can handle that. Maybe we can talk shop some time; I have to keep up on all the latest in computer and electronic technology for my position in the Air Force. I might even be able share stuff with you even Tech News Monthly can't get."

"That would be great Mr. Shay, I mean Steve. So how long are you going to be here?"

Steve looked over to Spencer and then back to Freddie, "I'm not sure yet. I am on indefinite leave and have been told I can take as long as I need, unless something really bad comes up."

"Dad you're welcome to stay as long as you want. That's not a problem."

"I appreciate it Spencer. Who knows, Freddie, you may have to get used to having me as your neighbor." Steve smiled, a smile both Spencer and Freddie returned.

A question crossed Freddie's mind. "Can I ask you a question Steve?" When Steve nodded, Freddie continued, "If you're a colonel in the Air Force, how come you've been stationed on a submarine all this time?"

Steve couldn't keep himself from laughing. "Freddie, you are the first person not in the armed forces to ask me that question. The truth is, while I did graduate from the Air Force Academy, I wound up working in intelligence. Military intelligence officers often work closely with other branches. In my case I have been on a submarine involved with electronic surveillance of….let's just say anybody we're told. Basically, while I am in the Air Force, I just happen to work on a Navy submarine."

Freddie found himself nodding, "I guess that makes sense."

Sam came back into the room then with an Italian ice for Freddie, "I hope cherry is ok. After that you need to take your nap. You need your rest."

Steve stood up while Spencer spoke, "Whoa Freddie, no arguing there. She really does keep a close eye on you."

"Yeah, Spencer, she's becoming more like my mother every day." He, Steve and Spencer started laughing.

Sam was not as amused. "Well, Mr. Benson, would your mother do this?" She leaned in and gave Freddie a rather passionate kiss on the lips.

"Only in my worst nightmares Sam. I'm sorry. Forgive me?" He flashed Sam his best sad puppy-dog eyes.

Fortunately for Freddie they worked and Sam smiled. "You're off the hook this time."

"Well, me and Dad should get going and let you two be. We'll stop by next time we see Carly."

Steve added, "I'll see what I can do about getting you some more stimulating tech reading. Ok?"

"That sounds great. Thanks Colonel Shay. Sorry, I mean Steve."

* * *

Spencer and his father were sitting in a diner near Bushwell Plaza having lunch after leaving the hospital. Spencer had felt much more relaxed around his father since he had first arrived in Seattle and found it much easier to talk with him than he had expected. "It's great that Freddie and Sam have gotten together. I think they could be really great for each other."

His father answered between bites of his BLT. "Freddie seems like a great kid. I've heard a lot about him over the years from Carly. I have to admit that I sort of wished he and Carly would have dated."

"Yeah, I used to think the same thing, but the stars just never aligned I suppose. You would have liked Derek though. I finally got a message from him."

"What did he say?"

"Just that he's in Europe with his family now and sends Carly and Freddie his best wishes. It turns out Carly broke up with him because she thought he was going to rape her. I told him it was just a delusion brought on by her schizophrenia."

"How did he take that news?"

"He was surprised, but he didn't seem upset. He really is a great kid himself. Maybe not as great as Freddie, but pretty close. He's supposed to be back in a few weeks."

"Do you think he and Carly might get back together?" Steve asked between the bites of the rest of his sandwich. Living with dozens of men in a small tube hundreds of feet under the water did not instill the best table manners.

"Hard to say. Maybe we should let Dr. Greene know, he might want to discuss it with Carly in a therapy session."

"Good point." Steve paused, "Which reminds me, we're going to have to have that talk with Carly. I wonder if we should have it with Dr. Greene there."

Spencer knew his father was talking about the true circumstances regarding his mother's death. "We should ask him about that as well."

Steve looked down at his plate, suddenly uncomfortable. "Spencer, there's something else I want to tell you first. I'm going to have to tell Carly as well if Dr. Greene agrees, but I want to tell you now. Well, I don't want to tell you, but I should tell you."

Spencer looked puzzled, "It's ok Dad. You can tell me anything."

"It's hard for me to say, I almost feel like I'm confessing to a crime. Look, Spencer, when I told you the other day that I was proud of you and that you were strong for taking care of Carly, I really meant it. The truth is I am nowhere near as strong as that. After your mother died and I left the Air Force, I was miserable for those three years. I was sure I was a lousy father and would screw up in some horrific way."

"Dad, you weren't a lousy father. No way."

"Thanks for saying that. Still, I was petrified every day for those three years. After 9/11, when I told you I needed to go back to the Air Force because the country needed me," Spencer nodded and Steve continued, "That wasn't the entire truth. Sure, in a way the country may have needed me. The real truth, though, is that I was just using that as an excuse to leave. Damn it, Spencer, in the aftermath of the Twin Towers coming down my first thought was that it was my chance to get away from my children. I'm sorry I'm such a lousy father and an asshole to boot."

Spencer didn't know how to answer that. He took a few bites of food in silence, finally he said, "Dad, you don't have to tell me you're sorry and you weren't a lousy father. I'm not mad at you, I'm really not. Look, the past is the past; Carly still needs you and I still need you. If you feel you have something to atone for, well, now is your chance."

Steve felt relief like he had never felt before. "Spence, I promise I'm going to do my best. I won't let you down any more."

* * *

Freddie and Sam sat in silence after Spencer and Steve left. Sam sat in her chair with her legs drawn up close to her. Freddie watched her for a few minutes in silence. Finally, he spoke, "Sam please tell me what's the matter?"

"What do you mean? What makes you think something is the matter?"

Freddie sighed, "Sam, since Carly tried to kill herself you have been more withdrawn. You hardly talk to my mother, when you sit with me you keep your face turned away and right now you ducked out and avoided taking to either Spencer or his father."

"Nothing is wrong; can we just let it be?"

"No we can't. Look Sam, if we are going to be a couple; if you are going to be my girlfriend and I'm going to be your boyfriend, then we are going to have to be honest with each other. That means when something bothers you, you have to open up to me about it."

Sam looked around the room, avoiding eye contact with Freddie. "You don't want to hear what's bothering me."

"Sam look at me. I mean it, look at me now." When Sam complied, Freddie continued, "I love you and care about you Sam. If something is bothering you then it bothers me and I want to know what it is. No matter what, I will not love you any less."

"Don't be so sure Freddie. It's pretty bad; you might change your mind about me."

Now Freddie really needed to know what was bothering Sam. "That isn't possible. I promise."

Sam exhaled, she looked up at the ceiling before replying, "I have something pretty bad to confess Freddie, and you have to promise me you will never tell anyone about this. Promise me, you will never tell anyone."

Freddie was now concerned and tried to brace himself for what might be coming. With Sam you could never know just how bad a confession could be. "Sam, I promise on all that I love that I will never breathe a word of this to anyone."

Satisfied, Sam looked around the room one more time as if someone might be eavesdropping, and said, "Freddie I am the worst friend in the world. When Spencer called my Saturday morning and told me that Carly was in surgery and they weren't sure if she was going to make it," Sam started to cry, "For a second I hoped that she wouldn't. For just a second, I swear just a second, I wanted Carly to die."

Freddie was stunned, "Why would you want that?"

"Because I'm a jealous, insecure bitch and the worst kind of person. I was afraid that you would leave me for Carly and so I hoped she would die. I swear it was just for a second, I really don't want her to die, but I couldn't help myself. I'm sorry." Sam's sobbing increased.

Freddie got out of bed with some effort and made his way over to Sam. He took her shaking body into his arms and held her as tightly as he could manage. "Sam, it's ok, you are not a bad person. You just had a split-second reaction that didn't mean anything. People think things all the time that are bad, but don't matter because they don't act on them."

"But Carly is my best friend."

"I know and you are her best friend and always will be. Don't worry about this Sam, don't beat yourself up over it. You are a good person and will always be a great friend for Carly.

"I'm sorry I've been feeling so jealous."

"You have nothing to worry about, ok? I'm not leaving you for Carly and you didn't really want Carly to die. You need to forget about that."

"I love you Freddie, I really do."

"I love you too Sam. Tell you what, how about we take a walk together. I want to show you off."

Sam looked up at Freddie and smiled, "Deal, but then you have to take a nap. I wasn't kidding before."

* * *

**Author's note. A lot of confessions there. Are Sam's fears justified? How will Carly react to her father's confession when he tells her the truth about her mother? What do you think about my explanation for how an Air Force Colonel can wind up serving on a submarine? That has always bothered me on the show. **

**Thanks again for reading this story, any reviews are greatly appreciated. Please be well. **


	12. Carly Learns About Mom

The two weeks following Carly Shay's return to the psychiatric ward after trying to kill herself were filled with repetition and routine. Every morning Carly took her anti-psychotic and anti-depression medication without fail. The nurse who gave her the pills watched her swallow them, drink them down with water, and then had her open her mouth so she could poke around with a q-tip to make sure they weren't hidden anywhere. Once satisfied, she would always give Carly a friendly a smile and then leave on her rounds.

Soon after that an orderly would bring her breakfast and she would eat in her room with Maude. Maude would tell her stories about her previous hospital stays and her battles with severe clinical depression. Maude always said she was too stupid to actually kill herself, but Carly disagreed; she thought Maude was strong for always surviving. Maude often talked with Carly about Carly's psychotherapy sessions. She wanted to make sure that Carly took the process seriously; the therapy was just as important as the pills she kept emphasizing.

Maude took such an interest in Carly's welfare and recovery, and asked nothing in return for herself, that Carly found that it easy to trust her. Carly was never one to share her innermost feelings, but she continuously found herself opening up to Maude. She lay bare to Maude all of her secrets, fears, hopes and dreams. When the realization would hit her that many of her dreams were out of reach now, Maude would be there with a hug and encouragement.

After breakfast Maude always had Carly take a shower. If Carly was not reminded to do this she would invariably forget. Once cleaned and dressed in one of the nightgowns Spencer had bought for her, Spencer favored cute animals for whatever reason, Maude and Carly would go to the day room. They always played a few games of Connect Four and checkers if they were feeling adventurous. They would talk more about Carly's recovery until it was time for Carly's therapy session.

Lunch was eaten in their room. Conversation during lunch tended to revolve around Carly's family and friends, especially Sam and Freddie. Carly constantly worried about being abandoned; it was her greatest fear now that she knew the voices in her head were not real. Maude always stressed to Carly how lucky she was to have such support in her life. Carly could usually be convinced of this, but some days took longer than others.

Spencer and her father would usually visit in the early afternoon. Carly was glad her father came home; she had missed him and having him back eased her abandonment anxiety slightly. Spencer could reliably be counted upon to cheer her up. He drew her lots of brightly colored pictures of various animals, flowers and other happy images. Carly displayed them in her room; Maude appreciated having some color to offset the bland grayness of the walls.

Every other day Sam and Freddie would come and see her in the late afternoon before dinner. Freddie had more energy and was moving around much easier. He had graduated to soft foods from his clear liquid diet and it looked like he would get to leave the hospital soon. They did their best to keep Carly's spirits high; they talked about new ideas for iCarly, even though they knew it was unlikely the show would ever continue. They kept her up on the goings on of Gibby, Tasha, Wendy and the rest of their friends.

Freddie and Sam never told Carly they were a couple. They felt bad about not sharing this news with her, but they worried about how she would take it. They remembered how she acted when she found out they had shared a simple kiss. They did not want a reaction like that to slow down her recovery.

After the last of her visitors, Carly would spend the rest of her time in the day room with Maude either playing games or watching the other patients. Maude would make up hilarious back-stories for each patient; whenever Carly cracked a smile Maude would always follow with one of her own.

Dinner was again eaten in their room. Carly would usually try and draw Maude out about her background and home life, but Maude would always deflect the question and turn the conversation back around to Carly. After dinner the two of them would go to the TV room where they would watch game shows and sitcoms until it was time for bed.

* * *

Two weeks and one day after returning to the psychiatric ward, Carly's routine was interrupted. After eating breakfast with Maude, but before she could take a shower, Carly found Dr. Greene standing outside her room. He told her that Spencer and her father were there and wanted to visit and talk about something important. Carly did not question Dr. Greene and followed him to one of the visiting rooms.

She found Spencer and her father sitting on opposite sides of the square table in the middle of the room. Carly sat down in the chair closest to the door; Dr. Greene left to give them some privacy.

Her father spoke first, "Carly, sweetheart, how are you feeling?" He got up from his chair and kissed her on the forehead.

"I'm feeling better Dad."

"That's great pumpkin," Steven said as he sat back down, "How about the voices?"

"I hear them sometimes, but I don't listen anymore. They aren't real."

Steven and Spencer both smiled. Dr. Greene had said the voices might not go away entirely; that they couldn't really expect them to, but the goal was to make Carly aware that they weren't real and should be ignored. "I'm proud of you sweetie." He took Carly's right hand in his left hand. "Carly, there is something important I want to tell you. I need to tell you a story, ok?"

Carly squeezed her father's hand. "Sure, what kind of story?"

"It's about your mother. I'm going to tell you what happened to her."

Carly was confused and couldn't keep that confusion from showing on her face. "Mom died of cancer when I was four."

"No, that's not true. I'm going to tell you what really happened."

* * *

Steven Shay took a deep breath and began his story, a story he had been dreading telling his daughter for a long time, long before she became sick. "I fell in love with your mother the very first time I met her. I was home the summer between my second and third years at the Air Force Academy. She had moved into the house next door during that spring with her family. Her father worked for Boeing and had just been transferred to their corporate headquarters."

"She was between her sophomore and junior years of high school, just like you are now. Even though I was four years older than her, I was nervous like you wouldn't believe. She was so beautiful; she he had auburn hair and brown eyes that I couldn't stop thinking about. You're lucky you got her eyes. Anyway, I was so nervous at first, I could barely bring myself to talk to her. I might have been 20, but I felt like I was 13 years old all over again. I took to watching her house outside my window and waited until she was outside before I would go out myself and pretend to run into her by accident. I don't know if she knew then how much I liked her and how shy I was, but I suspect she did. Before I could get up the nerve to ask her on a date she beat me to it. Even though she was in high school and I was an Air Force cadet, she asked me out on our first date. I'm not going to bore you with details of our courtship, but know that I never stopped loving your mother for even one second after that. Any time I was home on leave from the academy I spent with your mother."

"I had leave after graduation and we married that summer. In those early years I was moved around quite a bit by the Air Force. Your mother travelled with me even though it meant not going to college. Wherever I was stationed she would enroll in art classes and volunteer at the local hospital. They were the happiest years of my life. Eventually, in 1981, we had Spencer."

Steven looked over to his son and smiled. Spencer returned the smile while Carly almost broke a smile herself. Turning his attention back to Carly, Steven continued, "Your mother was so happy after Spencer was born. He was such a beautiful baby and your mother loved showing him off. I loved showing both of them off; I had a beautiful and intelligent wife and the perfect baby. What could go wrong?"

Steven sighed, "Everything was great the first couple of years, but around the time your mom turned 22 something changed. She started to become withdrawn from people; she wouldn't talk to me about anything important or what she was feeling. She began to lose energy and interest in her hobbies. She stopped taking care of herself like she normally did; she would forget to shower or brush her hair. I thought she was depressed and tried to cheer her up as best I could. I moved her and Spencer back to Seattle so she could be closer to family. That helped a little bit, but eventually she stopped taking care of Spencer in addition to herself."

"One afternoon your grandparents, your mother's parents, came over for a visit. They found Spencer screaming in his crib; he had not been fed or changed at all that day. While her mother tended to Spencer her father found her under the covers in bed, afraid to come out from under them."

Carly's eyes got a little wider and she nodded without realizing it, she knew that feeling. Her father spoke again after a short pause. "I was granted emergency leave and came home immediately. Your mother had been taken to the hospital; she was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia." Steven looked towards the ground. Carly was shocked and saddened at the same time. A tear escaped one of her eyes; she opened her mouth to speak but no sounds would come out.

"Carly, I am very ashamed of what I am about to tell you. Please remember that I love you so much, ok? After your mother's diagnosis I stayed home with her for several weeks and helped get her recovery started while taking care of Spencer. Eventually, though, I got scared. I didn't know if I could take care of both your mother and Spencer. I wound up taking the coward's way out. I went back to the Air Force even though they would have granted me an honorable discharge. Your mother and Spencer moved in with her parents."

"I spent all of the time I could with them, but that wasn't very much in the grand scheme of things. I concentrated on my career and felt encouraged when your mother showed great improvement. Eventually it seemed as if she was actually cured. Sure her parents paid the bills and made sure Spencer had everything she needed, but your mother had no relapses and was an excellent caregiver for Spencer."

"Your mother was so encouraged she decided she wanted to have another child. I wasn't sure if that was a good idea, but she was so excited about the idea of having another baby I couldn't say no." Steven smiled at Carly, "That's where you come in, kiddo."

"You were such a beautiful baby. Smiling all the time and playful; people couldn't resist your charms even then. Your hair was darker than your mom's, closer to what my hair was like, but you got her eyes. Big, expressive and the deepest brown in the world. Your mom was so happy after you were born, and Spencer adored you as well. Except, of course, when it came time to change your diapers." Spencer and Steven laughed while Carly's expression didn't change.

After a few moments of laughter in the room, Steven's expression grew especially somber and he began the rest of his story, "Just like after Spencer, your mother's symptoms came back after a couple years. The problem this time, however, was that her symptoms came back even worse than before. She began to have very disturbing and violent hallucinations. Her doctors tried adjusting her medication while she stayed home with you, Spencer and her parents."

"This went on for nearly two years; there were stretches where she would be fine and others where she could barely function. Eventually things came to a head." Steven scooted closer to Carly and took her hand in both of his, "One day your mother proclaimed while your grandmother was dressing you that you were sent by Satan to kill her and had to be stopped. Please understand that she was very, very sick and didn't understand what she was doing, ok? She picked you up and threw you down the stairs."

"Your grandparents took both of you to the hospital. You had a fractured clavicle and some very nasty bruises. Your mother was admitted to the psych ward. I came home immediately though I really did not know what to do. I took care of you and Spencer as best I could, though in truth you were probably far more comfortable with your grandparents than me. Eventually after a few weeks your mother came home from the hospital. Everything seemed ok for about a week, but your mother felt real bad about what she did. She felt so bad about it that….well she just couldn't handle the guilt she was carrying. Sweetheart, your mother did not die of cancer…. she killed herself. She hung herself in the attic of the house."

Steven paused as he remembered finding her that day 12 years previous. Finding the person he loved most in the world in that manner, her body lifeless with no chance of being revived would haunt him for the rest of his days. He did not tell Carly this; this was something he was never going to share for as long as he lived. He also left out some other information. He knew he was never going to tell Carly how she wouldn't let her mother touch her after she came home from the hospital. How she flinched whenever her mother even came near her and how she would hang onto her father for dear life and cower whenever her mother came near. Some things were just too painful to be passed on. Steven briefly wondered how much Spencer remembered of that week leading up to his mom's death.

More tears came from Carly's eyes as she began to absorb the truth. Steven pressed on, "After your mother died I left the Air Force and took a job with Boeing as a project manager. I bought the loft in Bushwell Plaza and moved you and Spencer there with me. For three years I did the best I could as a father, which probably was not very good at all. Luckily, Spencer was an excellent caregiver and I relied on him to take care of you as much as possible."

"Carly, I have to admit something to you now, something that is very painful for me. During those three years I was very scared. I was afraid of being a lousy father, of not being able to take care of you. You were sick quite a bit and your asthma was bad then. I started to think it was my fault somehow and that you would be better if I wasn't around all the time."

"After 9/11 I saw an opportunity. There was a need for people in my specialty and I decided to reenlist. I told myself I would be able to get my 20 years and the increased pension. I also told myself, and Spencer, that my country needed me and that I had to go back to keep the two of you safe. The truth, though, was that I was scared and I was running away. Spencer was old enough to take care of you by himself and I left you in his care while I ran away from my responsibilities on the other side of the world."

"Carly, I love you so much and I want you to know that everything I've done I did because I thought it was best for you. Maybe I should have told you the truth about your mother a long time ago, but I was ashamed and scared. I'm sorry for that, I really am. I also thought you would be better off without me. I know that wasn't true and I promise I'll do better. Pumpkin, are you ok?"

Carly didn't answer for several minutes. She looked at everything in the room except for Spencer and her father, tears streamed down both of her cheeks when she finally spoke, "Daddy, are you going to leave me now?"

Steven got out of his seat and kneeled down next to Carly so she was a little taller than he was, "I'm not going to leave you Carly, I promise."

"Please don't leave me like mommy. Please." Carly repeated these words as her sobbing continued unabated and her father took her into his arms. Steven Shay did his best to communicate via that embrace that he would not abandon his only daughter, the one woman he cared most about in the world now, like he did her mother; the woman who was his first and greatest love.

* * *

Carly's day never got back into its routine. After leaving her father and Spencer she went back to her room. She refused to eat lunch and instead curled up on her bed in the fetal position. Maude did her best to cheer her up and draw her out, but had no success. Maude finally decided that Carly simply wasn't ready to talk about anything and needed to let all her grief out. She crawled into bed with Carly and held her close.

"It's ok," Maude whispered, "You can cry all you want with me. I'm here for you."

Carly didn't say anything; she just held on tightly to Maude and let her tears flow freely. At times she whimpered something about her mother hating her, or her father leaving, but Maude simply whispered that everything would be ok whenever she did this. Eventually Carly fell asleep holding onto Maude, her face buried in the crook of Maude's neck.

Maude made no attempt to get up, she simply held onto Carly tightly. Eventually she whispered into Carly's ear, even though Carly was sound asleep, that she loved her and that things would get better. As Carly's breathing began to deepen, Maude thought to herself that Carly looked so peaceful. She must be having sweet dreams, Maude thought, as she fell asleep herself.

* * *

**Author's Note. We are almost to the end of the hospital chapters. Freddie will be leaving in the next chapter and Carly will be following very soon, possibly in the same chapter. After that is when the truly hard part begins I think. How will Carly react to Freddie and Sam's new relationship? How will Derek (thought I forgot about him, didn't you) react to Carly once he finds out the full extent of her illness? Thanks again for reading this story and sticking with it up to this point.**


	13. Exit the Hospital

Freddie sat on the edge of his hospital bed and watched the beehive of activity around him. He was finally leaving the hospital after a month-long stay. His mother and his girlfriend, Sam, were packing up all of his belongings. "Hey, can I help with anything?" He asked.

"NO," they both replied in unison with a little more emphasis than was necessary. Freddie was under doctor's orders not to overtax himself and under no circumstances was he to lift anything heavier than three pounds for the next couple weeks.

Sam was packing the DVD player when a nurse came in with Freddie's discharge orders. Dr. Craig had already gone over all of the pertinent instructions with Freddie earlier that morning and the nurse did not add anything new.

After the nurse left, Mrs. Benson spoke, "Are you two ready? I can take these things downstairs to the car now myself." Freddie and Sam were going to see Carly before they left.

"Thanks mom, that's great. You ready Sam?"

"Yep, if you are."

"You know it, I've been ready to leave for weeks now."

Sam and Freddie made their way out of his room for the last time and down the hallway holding hands. He said his goodbyes to the nurses he passed, all of whom gave a warm smile in return. As they waited for the elevator, Freddie thought about how good it felt to finally wear pants again. After a month in the hospital it was great to finally not have to wear a hospital gown. Of course his clothes were quite large on him; he had lost a considerable amount of weight, but it still felt better than walking around in a robe.

The elevator finally came and they took it down to the 1st floor where the psych ward was located. They walked in silence; nothing needed to be said between them and they were comfortable without speaking. When they arrived at the front desk for the station they asked if they could see Carly Shay, it had been arranged with Dr. Greene. The nurse smiled at them and had an orderly take them to Carly's room; she had not been in the day room all day.

The orderly left them at Carly's room and they entered to find Carly sitting on her bed staring off into space. She might have been mumbling to herself, neither Sam nor Freddie could make out anything she was saying. She smiled when she saw them and got up to greet them.

"Well, this is it I guess?" Carly spoke to Freddie, "You're finally going home."

"Yeah, Carls, this is the big day. How are you holding up? How are you feeling?"

"The doctors say I'm making what they call 'very good progress'. I really do feel better; I'm not hallucinating as much anymore." Freddie and Sam both looked a little surprised at the word 'much'. Carly explained, "I'll probably always hear some voices, I just have to learn that they aren't real."

Sam's attention was drawn to the scar on Carly's neck; it was a long, jagged scar that ran along the left side near her shoulder. It was still an ugly shade of red and stood out prominently against Carly's fair skin. To Sam it appeared as if Carly and tried to cut her own head off. She didn't know why, but Sam found the scar especially disturbing.

Carly noticed Sam's attention being focused on her scar. She looked down at her feet. Sam felt guilty, "I'm sorry cupcake. I didn't mean to stare."

Carly sounded resigned. "It's ok, I guess I'll have to get used to that." She looked at Freddie, "I guess we're not going to be a hit at the beach." She smiled weakly.

"I think it will be a while before I can even hit the beach. I'll need to gain around 25 pounds first." Freddie looked down at himself; he couldn't help but feel that he looked emaciated.

Carly felt a single tear escape her eye, she looked away from Freddie and Sam towards the window. "I'm sorry Freddie."

Freddie sighed; this had become familiar territory with Carly. "Carly, you don't have to apologize. It was a mistake; you didn't mean to do it." Carly refused to turn around. Freddie spoke with more intensity, "Carly, please look at me."

Carly slowly turned to face Freddie, a few more tears present on her cheeks. "I'm going to miss you."

"Carly, Spencer told us you would probably be leaving soon, even in the next couple days. He also said you're doing great and he is so proud of you. You're not going to have time to miss me."

"I'm sorry Freddie. It's just…I'm used to sleeping in the same building with you I guess." She gave Freddie a bit of a smile.

Freddie and Sam both laughed, Freddie answered her, "You're going to be fine Carly. You're strong and you can do this. We're going to help you, too."

"Thanks, both of you. I don't know what I'd do without you."

Sam broke in, "You're mother's waiting Freddie. We should probably get going."

"Sam's right, Carls. We should get going."

Sam gave Carly a strong hug and kissed her on the cheek. "We're going to see you in a couple days Cupcake. We'll do whatever you want, ok?"

Carly nodded and they broke the embrace. She turned to Freddie and he took her into his arms. "Sam's right. It's only for a couple days, and then we're going to have all the fun in the world. Deal?"

Carly nodded as Freddie pulled back. "Wait Freddie, could you hold me just a little longer?" Freddie hesitated a few moments; he thought about Sam standing just a few feet away. "Please, for me?" Freddie never could refuse when Carly used that line on him.

Freddie took Carly back in his arms and held her close. She rested her head on his shoulder and sighed contentedly. Freddie placed his hands on the small of Carly's back as they gently swayed back and forth without even realizing it. Watching from seven feet away, Sam thought she recognized this scene. Even if Freddie and Carly did not know it, they looked just like they did that night they shared a slow dance at the Groovy Smoothie. Sam remembered how she felt that night when she walked in on them; like an interloper who didn't belong. Looking at them now in this hospital room, Sam couldn't help but feel like an interloper once again.

* * *

Two days after Carly and Freddie had shared their impromptu slow dance in her hospital room; Carly Shay was finally ready to leave the hospital herself. Unlike Freddie, Carly felt some trepidation at the thought of leaving. The hospital had become a safe haven for her, a place where she was protected and cared for. In the hospital she was provided a routine and schedule; Carly found it hard to explain, but she found having a steady daily routine quite comforting.

"So, cupcake, how do you feel about leaving the hospital?" Maude sat on her bed opposite Carly who was sitting on hers. Both of them were sitting Indian style; they had talked like this a great deal during Carly's stay, but this time Carly was wearing regular clothes instead of a nightgown. All of her things were packed in a bag; her discharge papers were being processed as her and Maude spoke. Carly was just waiting on Spencer to come and pick her up.

"I'm kind of scared, to be honest with you."

"How come? Don't you want to go home? You don't want to leave all this?" Maude swept her arm from one side to the other, encompassing their hospital room.

Carly laughed softly, "Well, when you put it that way. The thing is, I feel safe here, even if I did try and kill myself."

Maude didn't let that go, "And why did you try and kill yourself?"

Carly sighed, Maude seemed to delight in constantly reminding her of this exact point. "Because I stopped taking my medication."

"And what are you going to do from now on?" Maude had asked Carly this exact question hundreds of times since Carly had returned to the psych ward.

"I am always going to take all of the pills my doctor tells me. NO matter what." Carly emphasized the word 'no', she had answered this question hundreds of times as well.

"That's a good girl. As long as you take your medication you have a fighting chance."

"I promise I will always take my medicine. I'm just scared, that's all. I like the routine you and the hospital have given me. It makes me feel safe and more secure."

"I know what you mean, but you know, you can create your own routine at home. I'm sure Spencer and your father will help you. You're very lucky to have so many people who love you and care for you." Maude knew that Carly needed encouragement more than anything.

"I'm going to miss you, you know." Carly's voice grew a little sad.

"Don't say that Carly, you know I suffer from depression. Do you want to make me sadder?" Maude brushed a tear away from her right cheek.

"I'm sorry, Maude, but it's true. I don't think I could have lasted this long without you."

"I'm glad I could help you, but don't underestimate yourself. Carly Shay, you are an exceptionally strong person. You are going to be able to do this. Please believe me, ok?"

Carly smiled and nodded her head. "Before I forget, I wanted to leave you something." Carly went to her bag and pulled out a picture Spencer and painted especially for her. It was a landscape scene full of incredibly vibrant colors. Maude had loved it because it brightened the room so much. "I want you to keep this. I think you'll need it more than me while you're in here."

Maude stood up and accepted the picture. She knew how much Carly loved it and Maude was incredibly moved that Carly would pass it on to her. "Thank you so much Carly, I don't know what to say." Maude hugged Carly as tightly as she could and the cried together; Carly crying tears of joy because she was finally excited about leaving the hospital and Maude tears of sorrow for the same reason.

* * *

"Well, kiddo, are you ready to leave?" Spencer was standing at the door of Carly's hospital room.

"I think so. Is everything all set?"

"Yep, I've taken care of all the paperwork. You talked to Dr. Greene this morning?"

"I did. Where's dad?"

"He's at home planning a little 'welcome home' party with Freddie and Sam. Don't worry, it'll be a small one." Spencer picked up Carly's bag and slung it over his shoulder. He held out his hand to Carly; she took it and he led her from her room towards the front desk.

As they walked down the hall, Spencer asked, "So are you happy to be leaving?"

"Sort of. I'm really going to miss Maude though."

"Who's Maude?"

"My roommate. She's been a big help, I couldn't have made it without her."

Spencer stopped. Carly had had a roommate her first night in the hospital. Carly had panicked, however, and screamed that she was going to kill her. Dr. Greene had moved Carly to a room by herself. Even though there were two beds in both of her rooms, Carly had been the only occupant. "Carly, are you sure Maude was your roommate?"

"Of course, she slept in the other bed. I think that made her my roommate."

Spencer looked serious and spoke clearly, "Carly, you haven't had a roommate since your very first night here. Dr. Greene did not want to take the chance of you hallucinating and hurting someone."

Carly didn't understand. "Wait here Spencer." Carly turned around and ran back to her room. She found Maude sitting on her bed Indian style. Carly didn't know what to say. After a few moments she finally found the ability to speak. "Maude, are you real?"

"Of course I'm real Carly. You're talking to me aren't you?"

"Can anyone else see you, or talk to you?"

"Well, no, nobody else can do that but you."

"I don't understand Maude. Who are you?"

"I'm you, cupcake. At least I'm a part of you borne from your subconscious."

"I don't understand."

"You needed help Carly. You needed someone to watch over you and take care of you. Your subconscious mind created me to do that for you."

"But….I don't know how. I mean, I am looking at you right now."

"Carly, the human mind is an incredible thing. It is capable of things that can barely be understood. Just accept that I'm here to help you."

"Will I ever see you again?"

"You might if you need me bad enough, but I think you'll be fine. You have so many people who love you. Please don't be afraid to rely on them."

"I love you Maude. You know that, don't you?"

"I know, and I love you too. Or should I say I love us too?" Maude raised her hand to wave farewell.

Carly returned the wave and turned around to rejoin Spencer. At the last second she stopped and looked back to see Maude one more time, but found the bed and room empty. All that was left was Spencer's landscape painting. Carly decided to leave it after all, the next patient in the room might need it, she thought to herself.

**

* * *

****Author's Note. Well, it turns out that Maude was not real, or at least she was not corporeal. Congratulations to XeroPrime for figuring that out after one of her first appearances. JunoLuv deserves credit for being the second person to deduce Maude's true nature. To clarify, Maude was not a hallucination like the voices Carly hears. She was a hallucination created by her subconscious mind to guide her through her recovery. Essentially Carly was talking to her subconscious self during their conversations. That is the reason Maude seemed to exist even after Carly would fall asleep; Carly's subconscious would still be awake. I hope that people don't find this too much of a rip-off of A Beautiful Mind or even The Sixth Sense. I did try and leave a few clues, I won't list all of them here, but if people want to leave reviews and guess what they are, that would be cool. I will provide a list in a future chapter. **

**Thanks again for reading this story so far. I appreciate all of the time people have spent with it.**


	14. Carly Needs Freddie

Carly Shay examined her reflection in the mirror one final time. She had been home from the hospital almost one week and was finally going to see her former and possibly current boyfriend, Derek. A couple weeks before going into the hospital and being treated for schizophrenia, Carly had angrily broken up with Derek when she had thought he was planning on raping her. Derek had been surprised and shocked, not to mention hurt by her accusation. He had tried repeatedly to contact Carly in the week after the breakup, but she had refused to even speak with him. Before Carly went into the hospital Derek left with his family on a trip to Maine and had only returned to Seattle in the previous couple days.

Carly checked her makeup carefully. She applied her eye makeup in a way she knew Derek appreciated. He had always told her how beautiful her eyes were and that they were what attracted him to her initially. All of her weeks spent in the hospital over the summer had left her skin especially pale. She added blush to her cheeks to give her some color. She used a concealer to cover up the scar on her neck. It wasn't perfect, the scar was still visible, but it was much duller than normal. She left her hair down and styled in such a way that she hoped the scar was difficult to notice.

Carly worried about her figure. She was not overweight by any normal definition, but since entering the hospital she had gained nearly 30 pounds. Unfortunately weight gain was a side-effect of most every anti-psychotic medication currently prescribed. If she did nothing, Carly could easily gain an additional 100 pounds. Thankfully this side-effect could be handled with proper diet and exercise. Her father had outfitted the iCarly studio with several pieces of exercise equipment, including an exercise bike and a pair of treadmills. Whenever the weather allowed, Carly enjoyed jogging in a nearby park with her father. After spending the last several years stationed on a submarine, Steven Shay was enjoying the freedom to run and roam outside as he pleased. The fact that he could share this activity with his daughter made the experience even more enjoyable.

Carly hoped Derek would still find her attractive even if she was a little heavier. Carly had always thought of herself as something of a twig and had always longed to be curvier. She thought that guys were more attracted to that type of look, but Derek had always said he loved her so thin. Carly was putting the finishing touches on her lip gloss when she heard a knock on the loft's front door. She hurried out to answer it; Spencer and her father had left to run some errands and give her and Derek some privacy.

Carly opened the door with the best smile she could muster. For the first time in nearly two months Carly stood face to face with Derek. Carly couldn't help but think about how insanely hot he always looked to her. He was almost six feet tall with sandy-blond hair and green eyes. He had broad shoulders and years of competitive swimming and given him a figure any girl would die to be with. Before her illness eventually overtook her, Carly had often considered herself blessed; Derek could literally have had any girl he wanted at Ridgeway but he had chosen her.

Carly snapped out of her reverie, "Derek, come in. Have a seat on the couch. Can I get you anything?"

Derek was feeling unsure of himself; he didn't know if he should hug Carly, shake her hand, or do anything at all. He wound up splitting the difference and placing his hands on both of her arms near the elbow in a sort of half-embrace. "Thanks, but I'm fine. How are you?"

Carly led Derek over to the couch and sat on the far end on the right side of the couch. Derek sat down on the far left end. "I'm feeling better. I've been out of the hospital for a week." Carly's eyes looked down towards the floor, "Look Derek, I need to apologize for what I did to you."

"No, Carly, you don't…"

"Yes, I do Derek. I said some incredibly hurtful things to you. I was very sick as it turns out and I…I didn't know what was going on."

"Carly, I know now that you didn't mean them. I admit I was shocked and even a bit angry when it happened, but I had no idea you were sick."

"I was suffering from a delusion; I know now that now and realize I was wrong. I just want you to know that I'm sorry. I am so, so sorry and that I hate the idea that I hurt you at all. You must have spent the past couple months thinking I was some sort of monstrous bitch." Carly still had trouble looking Derek in the eye.

Derek paused a few moments before continuing, "Carly, it's ok, you don't have to apologize. I admit I was angry at times over the past couple months, but you were sick. I can't stay mad at you because of that. It wouldn't be right."

Carly finally looked at Derek directly and smiled a little. "Thanks, that really does make me feel better." Carly paused this time for several heartbeats. She looked around the room before bringing her attention back to Derek. With a voice that was noticeably more nervous, she asked, "Derek, have you thought about…us at all?"

Derek exhaled; this was something he was definitely not looking forward to doing. He understood that Carly was suffering from a serious illness and was under the influence of a delusion when she abruptly broke up with him, but he still didn't think he could rekindle their romance. Derek had a relative who suffered from schizophrenia, an uncle in New England, and he was familiar with the difficulties of being with someone with the disease. The sad truth was that Derek did not think he was up to the challenge of being with Carly. He still cared for her and loved her as a friend, but not as a girlfriend any longer.

"Carly…I have thought about us." A hopeful look came across Carly's face; Derek felt like he was shrinking by the second. "I don't know what you were hoping for today, but…I'm sorry Carly, I don't think we can be together like that."

Carly was crestfallen and she couldn't keep the disappointment from showing clearly on her face. "I...I'm…uh…I'm sorry Derek." Carly tried to keep her tears in check.

"No Carly, I'm the one who is sorry."

"What is it about me you don't like anymore? Is it my looks, the weight gain is a side-effect of the medication. I'm working on it."

"No, it's not your looks. Frankly you look great, really."

"It's because I'm…crazy isn't it? It's because of this," Carly pulled her hair away from the left side of her neck. Her scar was plainly visible, even partly concealed with makeup it was still prominent. Derek involuntarily recoiled. "It's because I'm capable of doing this to myself, or to you? Are you afraid I might hurt you like Freddie?" A few tears escaped Carly's eyes, despite her best efforts to keep from sobbing.

"Carly, I am so sorry. I have a relative with schizophrenia; I understand it is a medical condition that is treatable. I also know that it is extremely difficult to be with someone who suffers from it. I…I just don't think I could handle that now. Please believe me I'm sorry."

"Derek, are you afraid of me?" Carly tried to keep from sounding like she was pleading.

Derek wanted to be anywhere but in the Shay loft at that point in time. He really cared about Carly and hoped they could still be friends eventually. He decided that she deserved the truth, no matter what. With a quiet voice, one laced with the shame he was currently feeling, unable to look Carly directly in the eyes; Derek answered with three quiet words, "Yes a little."

Carly started to cry. "You can go now Derek. I'm sorry I…bothered you."

"Please Carly, it's not your fault. Don't do this to yourself."

"Please leave now Derek." Carly did not want Derek to see her break down.

"Carly…"

"Leave NOW," Carly repeated with more emphasis in her words.

Derek stood up and thought about trying to hug Carly, but she had her head turned away from him. Thinking better of it he made his way towards the front door. Before exiting the loft he turned around; Carly had her body turned away from him. "Carly, I'm sorry about this, but I still want you to know that I care for you and still hope we can be friends." Carly did not say a word as Derek closed the door behind him.

Carly couldn't hold back any longer. As soon as the door shut she broke down in a cascade of sobs. The voices tried to break through to her, but she ignored them and they were nothing more than a dull throbbing in her head. The reason she was sobbing was because she knew this was the beginning. This was the start of her being abandoned.

In the hospital Carly had learned about what happened to schizophrenics who were alone. They were usually homeless and left on the streets; unable to care for themselves in even the most basic manner. Carly knew this was her future. First Derek; next her father would return to the armed forces, Spencer would marry and start his own family without her, Sam and Freddie would get new friends and eventually go away to college without her. She would wind up one of those hobos she and Sam always picked on and made fun of.

Carly suddenly felt scared, as scared as she felt that night when she tried to take her own life. Her sobbing increased as she drew herself up tight on the couch. She was so scared, she was sure she would die homeless, abandoned to the streets. She felt like she should just kill herself now and save the time.

Her level of anxiety increased in intensity; Carly's breathing became ragged. The fear was threatening to overwhelm her. Killing herself would be the best thing she thought, she wouldn't be afraid anymore. She looked around the room for a way to do it. NO she thought suddenly. You don't need to kill yourself. Get to your safe place; you don't need to kill yourself. Go there NOW, do not kill herself, she started thinking. Carly got up and ran up the stairs to her room as fast as she could. She crouched in the corner between her bookshelf and her dresser. She was still scared immensely, but it was marginally better than before. Just wait here, her mind kept telling her, you don't need to kill yourself. Carly shuddered and waited, for what she did not know.

* * *

Freddie was walking up to the front doors of Bushwell Plaza from Sam's house. He had seen her, Melanie and their mother off just a little earlier. There was a Puckett family reunion in Spokane and they were spending the weekend there. Freddie would have liked to go with them; a Puckett family reunion sounded like it would be some experience, but his and Sam's relationship hadn't gotten to that point yet.

Freddie was surprised to run into Derek in the lobby. "Derek, how are you doing?"

"I'm ok. How are you feeling, how's the recovery going?" Derek genuinely liked Freddie and was concerned about his recovery as well.

"Coming along fine. Pretty soon I'll be able to start eating real food again. You have no idea how much I hate mashed potatoes right now."

Derek chuckled with Freddie, "When you're able to eat again let's hang out together. Steaks on me and maybe a Mariners game." Derek's family had season tickets.

"Sounds good to me. Hell, anything not mashed or pureed sounds good. So, are you and Carly back together?" Freddie was actually hopeful, something that would have been unthinkable two years earlier.

Derek hesitated before answering, "No, we're not. I know I'm an ass, but…I just don't think I can handle that. Carly's going to need someone to take care of her and I'm not sure I can do that."

Freddie had been learning a lot about schizophrenia, especially how to care for someone with the condition. He knew it was not an easy proposition, "Don't beat yourself up over it. It's not anything to be ashamed of."

"Thanks Freddie. I do want to be friends with Carly; hopefully we'll be able to reach that point soon."

"Just give it some time. Eventually you'll be there."

"Thanks again. Listen, when I left Carly seemed pretty upset. Do you think you could check on her?"

"Sure, of course. I'll head up there now. Thanks for the heads up." Freddie turned to head to the elevators.

Derek called after him, "Hey Freddie, I'm serious about that steak and baseball game. Make sure you call me."

"Will do, I really want that steak. I'll email you later, ok?"

"Thanks Freddie."

* * *

Freddie entered the Shay's loft calling Carly's name. He didn't see her anywhere in the living room or kitchen. "Carly, it's me, Freddie." Freddie called louder. Not hearing a reply he made his way up the stairs.

He poked his head into Carly's bedroom on the second floor. He couldn't see her, but he did hear her sobbing and muttering to herself in the corner between her dresser and bookshelf. He hesitated before approaching; the last time Carly had a psychotic episode in his presence he had come within 90 seconds of bleeding to death. Steeling his nerves, Freddie entered the bedroom and made his way to Carly.

Remembering something from his research, he crouched down when he got close to Carly so they were on the same level. She was crying as hard as she could; her makeup was ruined and she was trembling with fear. Freddie spoke with a soft but clear voice, "Carly, it's me Freddie."

Carly looked at him and thought he was the greatest sight in the entire world. "Freddie, is that really you?" Carly was still coming to terms with Maude's unique existence and wondered if Freddie was another hallucination borne from her subconscious mind.

"It's really me Carls. Are you ok?"

Carly's voice trembled, though her crying slowed down considerably, "I'm so scared Freddie. Everyone is going to leave me."

"No they're not, Carly. I promise."

"I wanted to kill myself Freddie, but I didn't. I didn't do it this time."

Freddie was disturbed by her talk of suicide. Even if she wasn't suffering from a mental illness, he would be worried about Carly bringing up the subject. "That's good Carly, I am so proud of you." He felt better when Carly stopped crying and she smiled slightly.

"Y…you are?"

"Yes I am. Carly, how about coming out of that corner?" Freddie hoped she would come willingly. He was worried she would start hitting her head like she had previously. If she wouldn't come on her own accord there was little he could do. He was still unable to lift anything more than 3-5 pounds.

"I…I don't know. I'm so scared."

"That's ok, I'll protect you."

"You will? Really?"

"I sure will, I promise. How about you come out of the corner and lie down on your bed? You'll be more comfortable for sure."

"If I do, will…will you stay with me? Please, I'm scared Freddie."

"Of course."

Carly started to get to her feet while Freddie helped as best he could. Carly lied down on the left side of her bed; Freddie walked over to the other side and took a spot on the right. They lied on their sides facing each other. For a few minutes they just stared at each other, their eyes locked together. Eventually, without any words being spoken, Carly scooted closer to Freddie while he held her close with his left arm. Carly rested her head against Freddie's chest, his chin resting on the top of her head.

They had no idea how long they stayed that way. Time had no meaning for either of them; Carly felt safe and secure and didn't want the moment to end. Freddie relished the opportunity to take care of someone else for a change instead of being the one cared for.

Carly broke the silence. "I'm not scared now."

"That's good, Carly, I don't want you to ever be scared."

After a few more minutes, "Are you going to leave me, Freddie?"

"Never."

"Derek left me."

"I won't leave you Carly, ever."

"I'll always be sick."

"I will always love you. No matter what."

After a few more minutes of silence Carly finally replied, "I love you too, Freddie. I will always love you."

Carly fell asleep curled up next to Freddie. After a bit, Freddie kissed the top of her head and fell asleep with her.

* * *

**Author's note. Freddie is developing quite the dilemma. We'll have to see what happens when Sam returns from Spokane. Please don't feel too harshly towards Derek, He may be making future appearances in the story. I'll hold off on listing the Maude-isn't-real clues for another chapter or two to give people more time to guess if they would like. Thank you to everyone who has been reading this story and an even bigger thank you to everyone who has reviewed the story, I appreciate the feedback immensely.**


	15. Prelude: What Should We Do?

Freddie awoke with Carly curled up next to him; her head buried in his chest. He was disoriented for a minute, wondering how he wound up sleeping with Carly in her bed. When his sleepiness finally wore off he remembered how he wound up in his current position. After her talk with Derek, Carly had…well Freddie really wasn't exactly sure. He didn't think it was a psychotic episode, she didn't appear to be having a break with reality, but he was genuinely concerned for her safety. She had spoken of killing herself, though thankfully her talk consisted of her saying she did not kill herself. Was it a panic attack? Whatever it was, it had scared him. Even if Carly had not begged him to stay, he would not have ever left her alone in that condition.

Carly breathed deeply and snuggled closer to Freddie. Freddie thought about his predicament. He had fallen in love with Carly the first moment he had seen her. For years he had wanted nothing more in life than to be her boyfriend while she his girlfriend. However Carly did not return those feelings in that way and eventually Freddie put his crush aside and tried to simply be as good a friend as possible. Even with all that had happened after the taco truck incident, with Freddie's old feelings resurfacing briefly, he was able to put them aside for Carly's sake. Once she began dating Derek, and he found himself able to not feel any jealousy and really be friends with Derek, Freddie figured his crush was gone forever.

However, those old feelings started trickling back into his head ever since he had first seen her in the hospital. They did not come flooding back like a dam breaking; more like water slowly dripping from a leaky faucet. This was not a good thing as he had started a relationship with Sam and cared for her deeply. Did he love Sam like he loved Carly? Freddie pondered that while the scent of Carly's shampoo, something citrus-like Freddie decided, wafted in the air. He finally decided that he did Love Sam as much as he loved Carly. He also thought Sam loved him just as much; her actions in the hospital indicated as much. Also important, Freddie thought to himself, he owed Sam an incredible debt. She had literally nursed him back health, even more than his own mother. He was looking forward to exploring their relationship further.

Freddie thought more about Carly. She had apparently developed some deeper connection with him since becoming sick. In the hospital she was extremely remorseful for what had happened. Freddie did his best to reassure her that he was not angry with her and did not hold her accountable and had even gone as far as telling her that he would always love her. When he said that he had meant he would love her as a friend. Freddie considered that it might have been a mistake to say that. Carly certainly was not in a right state of mind and might not have understood his true meaning.

Certainly Carly was not to blame for that. Freddie was starting to wonder if he himself truly understood his own true meaning. When he told her he loved her that first time in the hospital, he had qualified his statement. When he repeated those words just a couple hours earlier in this very bed, he had made no such qualification. Sure Carly was sick and needed comfort, and he was happy to provide it, but was that the best thing in the long run? Was Carly expecting to begin a romantic relationship with him now? Is that what he really wanted?

All of these questions rattled around his brain while he stayed cuddled with Carly in bed. He wished there was an easy answer that would solve everything with nobody getting hurt. It was too bad Derek turned Carly down and did not renew their relationship, which would have made things easiest of all for him. For a brief moment he was disappointed in Derek, but forced the thought quickly away. It was Derek's choice and if he didn't think he could be with Carly it was best to get it over with quickly. Freddie sighed as he tried to make sense of all these thoughts and questions in his head. Put him in front of computer equipment and network servers and he always knew what he was doing; dealing with women and relationships? It was like walking in a dense fog with his eyes closed.

A noise downstairs startled him. Spencer and Col. Shay (wait, Steve he reminded himself) were probably back. He decided to get up and go downstairs before they saw him in bed with Carly and he had to explain that to them. Freddie carefully sat up and extricated himself from Carly, doing his best not to wake her. Once he was free, Carly curled up into the fetal position. He thought he might have woken her when he heard her call his name, but she did not actually wake up; she must have been dreaming he decided.

As Freddie stood up he turned and looked at Carly sleeping on the bed. When he first found her in this room she looked so scared and pitiful. Now, despite her makeup being smeared from crying, she looked so peaceful and beautiful as she slept. She looked almost like an angel and Freddie's heart sped up ever so slightly. He tiptoed towards Carly's door and took one last look back before he made his way out of her room and downstairs.

Freddie found Spencer working on a sculpture in the living room and Steve making something to eat in the kitchen. As he stepped away from the stairs Steve caught sight of him.

"Freddie, you're finally awake." Steve called out. "Can I get you anything to drink?"

Freddie was a little confused, "Uh, you think I was sleeping?"

Steve and Spencer, who took a break from the clay sculpture he was working on, shared a laugh. Steve replied to Freddie, "Well, for one thing you have a pretty nasty case of bed-head."

Freddie forgot about that, "Ok, good point."

"Also," Steve continued, "I saw you and Carly sleeping together upstairs." Freddie started to noticeably blush. Steve took notice, "It's ok Freddie, I know you're not that kind of guy. I trust you not to hurt or take advantage of Carly."

"Thanks, nothing happened, by the way. I didn't even mean to fall asleep with her; I guess I was more tired than I thought after walking back here from Sam's. How come you didn't wake us up?"

"You both looked like you were sleeping pretty soundly and I didn't have the heart to wake you. Also you both looked just so darned cute curled up together like that; I wish I had a camera." Steve meant that last part as a joke; his and Spencer's shared laughter did manage to put Freddie at ease.

Freddie shook his head and considered himself lucky. Most 16 year old boys caught sleeping in the same bed with a 16 year old girl, and by her father and older brother no less, would not be so fortunate. "Hey, what do you got to drink that isn't carbonated?" Since his surgery, Freddie had found he couldn't drink anything carbonated without experiencing the worst type of pain in his stomach.

Steve checked the fridge while Spencer washed his hands in the sink. "Will iced tea be ok?" Freddie answered in the affirmative and Steve got him one out of the fridge. The three of them all sat around the kitchen table. Once everyone was comfortable, Steve got to the point, "Ok Freddie, I'm assuming that if you wound up sleeping with Carly upstairs things didn't go real well with Derek?"

Freddie exhaled slowly before answering, "No, not really. I ran into Derek downstairs as he was leaving. We talked for a few minutes; when I asked he said he and Carly would not be getting back together. He asked me if I would check on Carly; he said she seemed upset when she asked him to leave. When I got here I found her upstairs in her room cowering in that corner between her dresser and bookcase."

Spencer nodded, "That's the corner Sam and I found her after she…" Spencer's voice trailed off. He didn't want to say, "After she stabbed you." Instead he just continued on when Freddie indicated he knew what Spencer meant. "That is apparently Carly's 'safe place' where she goes when she is scared or stressed."

"Yeah, she was really upset. She was sobbing and scared out of her mind that she was going to be abandoned and left alone. I was worried she would start banging her head against the dresser so I convinced her to lie down on the bed. She asked me to stay with her so I lied down next to her and calmed her down. Eventually we both wound up falling asleep."

Steve sighed, "I'm glad you were here Freddie. What do you two think, should we leave Carly alone in the loft at any time?"

Spencer shook his head, "I don't think so. At least not for now. What do you think Freddie?"

"I'm just the guy who lives across the hall; it's up to the two of you."

Steve looked hard at Freddie, "You're not just anything. Especially to Carly."

Freddie inwardly grimaced; he had a lot of thinking to do. He wondered how Sam would take it when he told her what happened. He wasn't looking forward to that conversation.

* * *

Sam and Melanie were sitting on a couple swings in a park close to their Aunt Millie's house in Spokane. The family reunion was in full swing despite it only being a little after 11:00. After getting in the previous day with their mother and checking into their motel, the girls had spent the rest of their Friday helping Aunt Millie set up for the party. This proved to be a somewhat trying experience as Aunt Millie had bought them matching outfits and kept trying to get Sam and Melanie to put them on. They hated when Aunt Millie did that to them when they were six and liked it even less now that they were 16.

Melanie knew from the moment she saw Sam that something was troubling her greatly. Sam was one of those people who could not hide it when something was on her mind; it took no special "twin insight" for Melanie to figure this out. She knew if she pushed Sam too hard to open up and talk it would have the opposite of her desired effect, so she bided her time and waited. She spent most of the car trip talking to her mother or listening to her iPod. Sam spent the trip either sleeping or staring out the window.

Just as the reunion party was starting to really get going, Sam made her move. She asked Melanie if they could take a walk over to the park down the block. Melanie gave no protest and thus they found themselves sitting side-by-side on two of the swings. Sam exhaled loudly and stared at the ground; Melanie felt pretty sure Sam wanted to talk now, but just wasn't sure how to begin. Melanie decided to start for her and relieve that small burden, "Alright Sam, what's the matter? Is it Freddie?"

"What makes you think it's Freddie?" Sam gave her a look that said, "What, am I that obvious?"

Melanie did not skip a beat, "Yep, you are that obvious."

"Well…ok, it is Freddie. But it's also Carly." Sam felt uncomfortable talking about this, even with her own twin sister.

"Sam, you can tell me anything, ok? I'm always here for you."

Sam considered that. "I know, I'm just not comfortable talking about this stuff. The only person I really trust with it is Carly; maybe Freddie too now, but obviously I can't talk to them about this."

"What's the matter? How have things with Freddie been?"

"Things have been great with Freddie when we're together. He's feeling much better and we really enjoy spending time together."

"You don't still beat up on him do you?"

"No, I stopped hitting him for the fun of it." Sam flashed an impish grin, "Unless he asks me…"

"Stop! I don't want to hear any more." Melanie held up her hand.

Sam chuckled or a few moments then got back to the point, "The problem really isn't Freddie, it's Carly."

"Do you worry that Freddie will dump you for Carly?"

Sam hemmed and hawed, "Sort of. I mean, I know Freddie would not cheat on me. Not because he's afraid I'll castrate him, but because he just isn't that kind of guy. I'm worried Freddie will leave me for Carly because he is such a caring, upstanding guy."

Melanie looked perplexed, "I don't get it."

"Carly is pretty sick, you know that, right?" Melanie nodded and Sam continued, "She…she needs someone to take care of her. I know she has Spencer and her dad, but I think she needs Freddie even more than them."

"You think Freddie would leave you to take care of Carly? Couldn't he help take care of her and still be your boyfriend?"

"I don't know. You didn't see her in the hospital. She looked so lost sometimes and so vulnerable, I…I don't know how to describe it exactly. The first time she saw Freddie she was so guilty about stabbing him; Freddie said she was so relieved when he made it clear he forgave her and still loved her. Freddie told me he loved her as a friend, and I believe him, but Carly might not have picked up on that."

"Doesn't Carly already have a boyfriend?"

"She did. You remember Derek? She broke up with him because she thought he was planning on raping her. Of course it was a delusion and he really wasn't, but she broke up with him then. He was gone all summer on vacation and didn't get a chance to see her until yesterday."

"Do you know what happened?"

"Yeah, Freddie told me last night. He ran into Derek on the way back to Bushwell from leaving us. Derek told him he and Carly would not be getting back together. He told Freddie he didn't think he could handle it."

"Ouch. How did Carly react?"

"Not good. Freddie found her sobbing in her 'safe place'; she was going on about being abandoned and she talked about how she did not kill herself. Freddie was pretty freaked out."

"Safe place?" Melanie didn't know what Sam meant.

"When Carly gets especially stressed or scared, she hides in the corner of her bedroom between her dresser and bookcase. I found her there the morning she…and she went back to that spot after stabbing Freddie. If she went there yesterday she was pretty upset."

Melanie thought for a moment, "Was Freddie afraid she would try and kill herself?"

Sam was surprised, but apparently nobody told her what happened to Carly in the hospital. "Oh my god, you don't know, do you?"

"Know what Sam?"

"I'm sorry, I guess I forgot about telling you. Carly tried to commit suicide."

Melanie was shocked, "What? How? Why didn't you tell me?"

"Carly had a hallucination where she thought she was being raped. It was so intense, I guess, that she tried to kill herself. She broke the mirror in her bathroom and tried slashing her own neck," Sam looked down at the ground and started to cry just a little bit, "It looks like she tried to cut her own head off. If the nurse had found her even 30 seconds later Carly would be dead right now."

"My god, I didn't know that. Why didn't you tell me?"

Sam brushed the tears away from her cheeks. "Anyway, yesterday Freddie convinced Carly to come out of that corner and lie down on the bed. She was so afraid of being abandoned that she asked Freddie to stay with her. Freddie wound up taking a nap with her; he was afraid to leave her alone in the loft. He thought she might have tried to kill herself again."

"I don't think Freddie would have done anything to, you know."

"I know Freddie would never do that to Carly when she is so vulnerable, god, he could never be that much of a prick. The point is that Carly may be hung up on Freddie and may need someone like him in her life as her boyfriend."

"Does Carly know about you and Freddie?"

Sam shook her head, "No. We've been afraid of how she would react."

"Sam, you and Freddie can't live your lives based strictly on how you think Carly will react. That is not fair to you or Freddie."

"You don't understand Mel. Carly is really sick."

"Yes, she is, Sam, but that doesn't mean you have to change your life around for her."

"Maybe we should, maybe I owe her."

"Owe her that much? Come on Sam."

"Mel, Carly is as much a sister to me as you are. She has always taken care of me every time I have needed it, no questions asked and she never judged. Even if I didn't deserve it." Sam started to cry again.

Melanie realized that Sam had never answered her question about why she hadn't said anything about Carly trying to kill herself. "Sam, why didn't you tell me about Carly's suicide attempt?"

"It just never came up." Sam looked away from Melanie.

"That's a load of BS and you know it. We've talked plenty of times."

"I don't want to say." Sam sounded defeated.

"You can tell me anything, remember?"

Sam sighed, looked up towards the sky, and then finally brought her gaze back to Melanie. "When Spencer first told me that Carly had tried to kill herself, my first thought was that I wished she had died. I wished that she had succeeded in taking her own life. Now do you see? I wished that my best friend would have died so I wouldn't have a reason to feel insecure around my boyfriend. What kind of a bitch am I? I don't even deserve Freddie. Maybe Carly does."

Sam's tears gushed now. "Mel, I just want things to be like they were before with Carly. I wish she were healthy and with Derek so I could be with Freddie. I don't know what to do; I love them both so much, should I give up Freddie so Carly can be happy?"

Melanie took Sam inter her arms. "Sam, you don't owe Carly that much. You certainly do not owe her your happiness. Be with Freddie and help take care of Carly together."

Melanie held Sam and comforted her until she calmed down enough and they both felt comfortable going back to the party. Sam felt better after talking with Melanie, but still wasn't sure she knew what she was going to do.

* * *

While Sam and Melanie were having their talk in Spokane, Steven Shay and Freddie were at the mall near Bushwell Plaza having a talk of their own. Steve had decided he needed his own computer and asked if Freddie would come with him to buy one. The salesman at Computer Depot had no idea what hit him. He was no match for the combined computer knowledge of Freddie and Steve. After buying a pair of the latest laptops to hit the market they decided to grab an early lunch.

"Thanks again Steve, this is really too much." Steve had bought Freddie and identical laptop to his own. "You didn't have to do that."

"Your welcome Freddie, but it's not too much. I really wanted to do it; you've had a tough summer and you deserve it."

"Well, thanks again. If you want I'll set it up for you. Do you want me to set up a network in the loft?"

"Sure, that'd be great." Steve paused and took a sip of his drink. "Can I talk to you about something?"

Freddie wasn't sure where this was going. "Sure, what's up?"

"I've been thinking about my immediate future. I'm wondering if I should finish my current tour in the Air Force or retire now and stay with Spencer and Carly."

"Wow, you really think I can help you with that? I'm only 16."

"You're pretty mature for someone who is 16; smart as well. I value your opinion."

"Thanks, but that's a big decision."

"I know, I just want to know what you think.

"Can I be perfectly honest?"

"Of course, please Freddie."

"I think you should retire and stay with Spencer and Carly. They both need you." Steve nodded, Freddie continued, "How many people do you think can do your job with the Air Force."

"Ballpark, I'd say 15 or 20."

"Right, 15 to 20 people can do your job, but only one person can be Carly's dad."

Steve smiled; Freddie had just provided him with the perfect answer. "Freddie, I knew you were a smart guy. I think you just provided me with all the answer I need."

"So you're going to stay?"

"I'm going to get the process started on Monday. There shouldn't be any problems."

"I'm glad to hear it. I've liked hanging out with you since coming home from the hospital."

"Thanks Freddie, I've liked hanging out with you too. I'm really glad Spencer and Carly have you in their lives."

"I just want to help as much as I can."

"I know, so does Spencer and he thinks the world of you."

"Spencer is like my big brother. This has been tough on him; I wish I was able to help him more."

"You're helping plenty. We're lucky you were there for Carly yesterday. Was everything ok with Sam?"

Freddie looked uncomfortable, he had told Sam of course, but he worried she might not be taking the idea very well. You could never tell Sam's mood over the phone. "Sam sounded ok, she knows how sick Carly is." Freddie paused, "You asked me for advice, can I ask you to return the favor?"

"Sure Freddie, anything."

"It's about Carly, is that ok?" Steve nodded, Freddie said, "I've been thinking about her a lot lately. I thought I'd put my crush on her aside forever, but…lately I'm not so sure. She's needed me more lately and I've found myself wanting to take care of her."

"What about Sam? How are things with her?"

"Things have been great with her, but I think she's worried about Carly. Specifically Carly and me. I love Sam, believe me, I love her and owe her so much. It's just I may love Carly as well."

Steve thought hard about what he was about to say. Finally he answered Freddie, "I would love nothing more than for you to be with Carly. I think she's loved you for a long time, far longer than she has been sick. Even when she was with Derek I always thought she truly loved you." Freddie looked surprised. "The thing is, you have to decide this for yourself. You shouldn't decide to be with Carly just because she needs you to take care of her. If you want to be with Sam you should do it and share that with Carly. You can't live your life afraid of how what you do affects her. You need to do what makes you happy and then let Carly learn to deal with it. No matter what you decide I know you will always help Carly in absolutely any way you can."

Freddie thought about what Steve just told him. He still had a lot to digest, but he knew Steve was right and that he had to live his life the way he wanted. He wasn't sure what he was going to do, but he felt he had been pointed in the right direction. He definitely needed to see Sam as soon as he could when she got home from Spokane.

* * *

**Author's note. I know a whole lot did not happen in this chapter. I apologize, but pieces had to be put into place for what happens next. Freddie and Sam will certainly have their talk; what will happen? They both have a lot to think about over the next day and a half. What do you think they should do? Please leave a review and let me know what advice you would give Freddie and Sam. What will Freddie and Sam actually do? Sorry, you will have to read to find out.**

**Thanks to everyone who has been reading this story. I am especially indebted to JunoLuv for her advice and everyone who has posted a review.**


	16. We Need to Talk

Sam Puckett stood on the roof of Bushwell Plaza and watched the sun slowly set off to the West. The orange rays shone brilliantly off the surrounding buildings of downtown Seattle. The setting sun and long shadows created a sense of foreboding that echoed Sam's mood. She had asked Freddie to meet her up on the roof earlier that day on the way back from Spokane. Sam expected Freddie to arrive at any moment; she had not stopped on the 8th floor first, instead she had taken the elevator from the lobby all the way to the top floor. She did not want to chance seeing Carly, or even Spencer, before she talked with Freddie.

Sam thought about what she was going to say to Freddie. She knew this moment was coming; she knew it from the first time Carly and seen Freddie in the hospital. Now that Carly was out Sam could tell things were coming to a head and decisions had to be made.

The door to the roof shut behind her, Sam turned to see Freddie rapidly approaching. Sam didn't say anything; she just admired Freddie as he made his way towards her, a smile on his face. Sam tried to return his smile, but could only manage one that was half-hearted at best.

Freddie gave her a hug and a quick kiss on the lips. "I missed you. How was the reunion?"

"Typical Puckett family reunion; lots of drinking, fighting and a couple arrests." Sam looked troubled.

Freddie picked up on Sam's mood, "What's the matter?"

Sam exhaled slowly, "We need to talk."

Freddie slowly exhaled himself like Sam. He knew they would have to do this eventually, but he hoped it could be put off at least a little longer. "Right now?"

"Yeah, right now, I don't think I can wait."

Freddie had been thinking hard all weekend about this. He really wasn't sure how to begin. He was about to say something when Sam interjected.

"Freddie," Sam began, a tear forming in her right eye, "I think we need to break up."

Freddie really hadn't expected that. He was expecting Sam to ask him to keep his distance from Carly; something he wasn't really comfortable doing. He was prepared to break up with Sam over the issue, but he really didn't want to do that. He still loved Sam, even if he also loved Carly and wanted to help care for her. "What?"

"Freddie, I love you so much, I really do, but we I don't think we can do this." Sam had difficult looking directly at Freddie; she kept finding herself looking at her feet.

"Is this because of Carly?"

Sam sighed, "Yes it is, but not the way you think."

"What do you think I think?" Freddie couldn't keep the surprise out of his voice.

"You think I'm breaking up with you because I'm worried you'll cheat on me with Carly. That isn't it."

"Then what is it?"

"I'm doing this because I love you Freddie. You have an impossible decision to make; one I know would break your heart no matter what you chose, so I'm saving you from that decision."

"What decision are you talking about?" Freddie was pretty sure he knew, but he wanted to hear Sam actually say it.

"You having to choose between me and Carly." Sam started to cry a little bit despite her best efforts to contain her tears.

"Why do I have to choose? You're my girlfriend; you are the one I truly love. Carly is the one I love as a friend."

"Freddie, that's a lie and you know it. You have loved Carly from the day you two first met. Oh, you put it aside whenever Carly had a new boyfriend, but you've always loved her."

"I love you Sam; you're the one I want to be with."

"I know, Freddie, and I believe you, but you love Carly even more."

"That's not true, Sam." Freddie hated seeing Sam cry.

"Yes it is Freddie, and you know what? Carly loves you just as much. Oh she dated other guys; she was real serious with Derek, but you're the one she truly loved. It was just a matter of time."

"Sam, there has to be more."

Sam looked out over the Seattle skyline as the sun finally disappeared over the horizon. "Freddie, I love you so much, but I also love Carly. I love Carly as much as I love Melanie. In fact, I am probably closer to Carly than I am my own sister. For all intents and purposes, Carly IS my sister."

Freddie nodded his head, "Ok."

"Freddie, since Carly first saw you in the hospital I have been having feelings I don't like. I have been resentful of Carly, jealous of Carly and at times I have wished her bad. All because I was jealous of the bond you two have always had."

"Sam, you have nothing to be jealous about, and no reason to be insecure."

"I know Freddie, but I can't help it. I feel horrible about how I've been feeling. I wished that Carly would die for Christ's sake. How bad of a person am I to think that for even a second? Freddie, I don't deserve to have you."

"That's not true, Sam, you didn't mean it and I know you love Carly. Carly knows that too."

"No, it is true, but you know what? I need to do this for Carly's sake as well as yours."

"I don't get it."

"Carly needs you Freddie. Can't you tell she is fixated on you? She has Spencer and her father now, but you can tell she needs you more than them."

"Come on Sam, she is fine with Spencer and Steve. She doesn't need me any more than she needs you."

"She does need me Freddie, she needs her best friend for sure, but she needs the man she truly loves even more." Sam couldn't help it any longer, she began to sob. Freddie moved to place his arms around her, but Sam shrugged him off. "Freddie, Carly needs you more than anything in the world. Without you she would die."

"You're exaggerating, it's not that bad."

"Freddie, are you kidding? Have you seen the scar on her neck? If she didn't have your love she wouldn't make it. If she didn't kill herself she would die of a broken heart."

Freddie didn't say anything. He started to cry with Sam, "I can love you both."

"Freddie, you can't. If you love me, you will give me all your love. Same thing with Carly. You can love one of us as a friend, but you can't love both of us the same. You're just too good of a person for that Freddie. I know you, when you give someone your heart; you give them all of it."

"We can't let Carly's illness run our lives. I want to be with you."

"I know Freddie, but you want to be with Carly too." Freddie didn't argue with that, "It's ok, I understand."

Freddie's eyes were swollen from crying as he took Sam by the shoulders, "Sam, I don't want to hurt you like this. I want to take care of you, I owe you so much. You cared for me so much, I don't know how I can repay you."

"There is something you can do to repay me." Freddie didn't say anything. After a moment Sam continued, "You can let me break up with you so you can be happy with Carly. She needs you Freddie; I need you too, but she needs you more."

"I hate doing this to you."

"You're not hurting me Freddie. I'm going to miss being your girlfriend, but I'm always going to be your friend. Plus this way I'll have my two best friends in the world with me and I can be the greatest best friend in the world to Carly."

"You're sacrificing so much Sam, you don't owe Carly that much."

"Yes I do. You don't know all the times I hid from my mother at Carly's; all the times I cried on Carly's shoulder, all the times she took care of me when nobody else in the world would. Without Carly I wouldn't be here, I'd have probably tried to cut my own head off. I owe her everything in the world, Freddie." Sam looked down towards her feet again, tears streaming down her face. 'Even you."

Freddie tried again to take Sam into his arms, and this time she let him. He held her close, "You are the strongest person I have ever known. We love you so much."

Sam smiled as she rested her head against Freddie's chest. Freddie had said "We", he was thinking of himself and Carly as a couple. "Please promise me something."

"Anything."

"Be happy with Carly. The two of you deserve the best; the two of you deserve each other."

Sam pulled away from Freddie. She then reached up and kissed him on the lips. "I have to go now. I'll see you tomorrow."

"Wait, do you have to go right now?"

"Freddie, if I wait any longer I'm going to lose my resolve and I won't be able to go through with this." With that Sam turned and walked to the door leading back into the building. Before descending down the stairs she chanced turning around and looking once more at Freddie. He was sitting on the roof, his back against the wall. He was looking up at the clouds; Sam thought she might have seen tears on his cheeks.

* * *

Carly walked out onto the roof, looking for Freddie. It took a minute for her eyes to adjust to the darkness, but once they did she quickly saw Freddie sitting at the far end of the roof. She made her way over to him; Freddie didn't move, he appeared to be lost in deep thought. Carly finally stood over him, his eyes were shut. Carly cleared her throat, "Freddie."

Freddie's eyes jerked open. "Carly, what are you doing here?"

"Sam called me and said you were up here. She said we needed to talk."

"Did she tell you anything else?"

"Just that she'd be by tomorrow sometime. Said she wanted to start enjoying what was left of the summer."

"It's a good idea." Freddie started to stand up, but Carly stopped him.

"Can I sit down with you? It's a beautiful night." Carly sat down next to Freddie and rested her head on his shoulder.

Freddie and Carly sat in silence for several minutes, enjoying the peaceful night. They gazed up at the stars; though they did not realize it, they were thinking the same thoughts. They were wondering what the future held for the two of them and if they would be strong enough for each other. They were also thinking about how comfortable they each felt right now and how much they truly loved each other.

Freddie was the one to break the silence. "Are we really going to do this? Is this what you want?"

Carly nodded her head, "This feels so right to me. I feel like I can spend the rest of my life with you and never regret one second."

Freddie couldn't argue with that, he felt exactly the same way, but his happiness was tempered by the sacrifice that Sam had made. The fact that he couldn't share with Carly just what Sam had done made it even more bittersweet. "The other day when we were lying in bed, you said that you loved me. Did you mean it?"

"Freddie, I told you that I would always love you and I meant every word." Carly sighed contentedly. "Did you mean it?"

"Every word. I don't care how sick you are, I will love you right up until the day I die and then at least a few days after that." Freddie grinned and Carly let out a chuckle.

"You know who's going to really love this?"

"Who?"

"Dad. He really likes you, a lot. I think he might think of you as the nerdy son he always wanted." Carly laughed at her own joke.

Freddie smiled. "I like him too. I'm glad I'll be able to spend more time with him."

"I know, he told me he's going to retire. He said you made him see the right course of action. I'm not sure what that means exactly, but I do know he's not going to leave me and I'll get to really know him finally."

"I didn't do anything. He already knew what he wanted to do; I just gave him a second opinion."

Carly climbed onto Freddie and straddled his lap. She wrapped her arms around the back of Freddie's neck and kissed him deeply. "I love you so much Freddie Benson. I don't ever want to let you go and I'll do my best to be the best girlfriend ever."

Freddie returned the favor, his lips locked onto Carly's, his tongue seeking entrance to her mouth which Carly granted. After several minutes of intense kissing, they both needed to come up for air. "Carly, I promise to love you forever. Always."

Carly lied against Freddie and they both gazed up at the stars. The universe was endless and at that moment in time Freddie and Carly both felt that their love was endless and that anything was possible.

* * *

**Author's Note. Well, Sam made the sacrifice and broke up with Freddie for both his and Carly's sake. We'll have to see how she feels about her decision as time goes on and they return to school, but don't expect a love triangle to ensue. Sam was speaking truthfully to Freddie on that roof. **

**For those curious, here are a few clues as to Maude's "unreal" state:**

**Maude never interacted with anyone but Carly.**

**Maude was not present when Carly hallucinated being raped. If the rapist did not exist, what happened to Maude?**

**Maude referred to Carly by nicknames that Sam tended to use (cupcake, Carls, etc.)**

**Maude and Carly went to play Connect 4, but Sam saw Carly playing by herself**

"**Maude Prepson" is an anagram for "MADE UP PERSON".**

**Thank you again to everyone who has read this story and especially those who have left thoughtful reviews. I appreciate any comments people would like to leave, both positive and negative. **


	17. High School Can Be A Stressful Place

Freddie was sitting in 5th period English daydreaming when he suddenly heard his name being called. Snapping out of it and coming to attention, he noticed Principal Franklin standing just outside the door of the classroom.

"Freddie, Principal Franklin needs to see you." Freddie started to get up from his desk when Mrs. Landis added, "Why don't you take your things with you."

Freddie gathered up his textbook and packed his materials away quickly. He didn't think Principal Franklin would come to get him personally if something important had not happened. When he exited the classroom and shut the door behind him, and he and Principal Franklin were out of earshot of anyone, Freddie felt comfortable enough to ask, "What's happened?" His tone of voice was slightly rushed.

Principal Franklin was someone who, in most any situation, but especially in his school, always projected quiet confidence. In that calm, measured, manner of speaking he always seemed to have, he replied, "Follow me to the library. Something's happened to Carly." They were walking side-by-side by this point, but Principal Franklin knew exactly what look Freddie had on his face. "It appears some kids started teasing her and she had a reaction. She has apparently been cowering in a corner threatening herself and anyone who comes near. I was hoping you might be able to help."

Freddie had been afraid this could happen. There had been discussions in the weeks leading up to the school year starting whether or not Carly should return to Ridgeway. Freddie and her father had thought she might be better off in a smaller private school that specialized in educating teens with mental illnesses. Spencer and Carly herself thought she should return to Ridgeway. Carly was adamant that she wanted to do everything possible to make her life as close to what it was before she became sick. In the end it was agreed that she would return to Ridgeway and a tutor would be hired to help her with her studies, supplemented by Freddie's formidable talents.

Freddie's concerns really weren't over whether Carly could make her grades. He had been concerned about the social and peer pressure she would encounter. High school was stressful enough for everyone; for Carly having to deal with everything that had happened to her, he wasn't sure she could handle it. In general schizophrenics needed environments that were as stress-free as could be maintained. Principal Franklin had assured everyone he would do everything he could to accommodate Carly, but he couldn't do anything about the bullies or mean kids that were sure to take their shots.

This was the fourth day of the school year that had started the previous Tuesday. Apparently they couldn't go a full week without torturing Carly. Freddie started to get angry; Carly was his girlfriend now and he perceived any attack on her as an attack on himself. He forced himself to calm down as he and Principal Franklin approached the entrance to the library. The large area seemed even quieter than normal as they entered. Wendy was standing with Mrs. Hawkins, the head librarian, near the front desk. Off to the right sitting at a work table, looking distinctly unhappy, were Todd Gilroy and Chad Manning. They were both especially large for being juniors in high school and both excelled on the football team; Todd as a linebacker and Chad as a safety. They tended to be obnoxious and mean; just the type to pick on Carly, Freddie thought. He generally avoided their type whenever possible.

Principal Franklin began by asking Mrs. Hawkins what had happened. Mrs. Hawkins asked Wendy to explain since she had been present the entire time.

To her credit Wendy did not seem nervous despite having Todd and Chad glaring at her the whole time. She spoke clearly, "Me and Carly were studying for a project over there," she nodded in the direction of a table on the opposite side of the room from where Todd and Chad were now sitting, "when Todd and Chad came over and sat down at the other end of our table. Things were fine for a few minutes, but then they started picking on Carly."

"What did they say?" Principal Franklin asked.

"They started asking Carly how many voices she was hearing. Then they started calling her 'Crazy Carly'. She started to cry and…get upset." Wendy paused; she really didn't want to have to tell Freddie this. "They started saying how Ridgeway now had its very own Lizzie Borden. Carly asked them to stop and Todd said, 'Watch out or Crazy Carly will get you.' He then started moving his right arm up and down in a slashing motion." Wendy demonstrated the motion Todd had made.

"After that Carly fled to a corner of the library. I followed her and found her crouched on the floor in the corner. She kept saying she didn't want to do it; she didn't want to kill herself. I approached her and asked who she was talking to when she screamed at me to get away. I ran and told Mrs. Hawkins and here we are now."

Freddie had never been more pissed off in his entire life. He wanted nothing more than to go over and start beating the crap out of Todd and Chad, at least until they started fighting back and killed him, but he forced himself to remain calm. Carly needed him. He pulled out his cell phone and called Steve. He quickly explained that Carly had an episode and he needed to come pick her up right away out in front of the school. After ending the phone call he told Principal Franklin Carly's father was going to pick her up. When he nodded his assent, Freddie turned to Wendy and asked her to take him to Carly.

They quickly arrived at the end of the aisle on the opposite of where Carly was. They could see she was huddled in the corner, shaking and muttering to herself.

"Why is she talking to herself?" Wendy asked.

"She's talking to the voices in her head. We can't hear them, they're hallucinations, but Carly can hear them as if they are actually being spoken. Wait here, I'm going to try and calm her down."

Wendy watched as Freddie slowly began to approach Carly. When he got to within a couple feet he crouched down so that he was eye level with her. Carly suddenly looked up from the floor.

"Freddie, I'm sorry." Carly's tears intensified.

"It's ok; everything is going to be fine." Freddie slowly moved closer to Carly.

"I don't want to kill myself. I don't want to do it." Carly was almost pleading with Freddie.

Freddie gently took Carly into his arms. He was thankful she did not resist. When she was upset she would sometimes shrink away from him or even lash out occasionally. Carly rested her head against Freddie's chest as he did his best to soothe her and calm her down. "It's ok, I'm here now."

Carly buried her head further into Freddie's chest and continued to sob. Freddie comforted her as best he could. If Principal Franklin had seen this it would have seemed like an adult comforting an upset child. Wendy, for her part, thought it was sweet.

This continued for a few minutes until Freddie's phone pinged with a text. He left the phone in his pocket; he assumed it was Steve letting him know he was out front. "Carls, sweetie, are you ready to go? Dad's here."

Carly didn't answer; she just continued to cry softly. She was able to quiet the voices in her head and ignore them, Freddie was often able to impart that strength to her, but she didn't feel physically able to move just then.

Freddie thought it was paramount that Carly get home as quickly as possible and into a less stressful environment. If she wasn't going to walk out on her own she would just have to be carried he decided. It had been several weeks since he had been on an unrestricted diet and cleared to lift any weight. He had worked hard to build up his strength in the meantime; he hoped he would be able to carry Carly out of this place.

Freddie stood up and was able to convince Carly to do the same. He then picked her up and began to carry her bridal style, thankful he could lift and carry her weight. He told Wendy he would be back in a few minutes; he nodded in Principal Franklin's direction and when it was returned left the library. Carly kept her face buried in his shoulder and refused to look at anyone.

6th period had begun and the halls were empty. Luckily the library was located near the front entrance and he was able to leave quickly. One of the members of the office staff had seen them and held the front doors open for them. She gave Freddie a quick smile which Freddie was unable to return; Carly's weight was starting to become too much. Fortunately, Steve's car was parked close to the front entrance. He rushed over to Freddie as soon as he saw him and they met halfway. Freddie handed Carly off to her father and helped lay her down in the back seat.

"Don't worry Freddie; I'll take her from here. What happened?"

"A couple punks started picking on her and she couldn't take it."

Steve sighed, he knew Freddie had worried about this exact thing happening. "Ok, we'll talk about it later. Thankfully it's Friday."

"Yeah, at least we'll have the weekend. Look, I have to go back inside. I'll stop by after school."

"No problem Freddie. Why don't you stay for dinner?"

"Thanks. I probably will." Freddie turned to head back into Ridgeway; after a few feet he stopped and looked back to the car. "You need to get her into a calm environment where she won't feel stressed."

Steve smiled. Some parents would have been put out and a tad upset if someone had told them how to care for their ailing daughter. To Steve it was a sign that Carly was in good hands and reaffirmed his already high opinion of Freddie. "Don't worry; I'll take good care of her for you."

* * *

Once Carly was safely off to Bushwell Plaza with her father, Freddie felt free to finally allow himself to get angry. His anger kept growing as me walked back to the library to get his and Carly's things. He did not know what he was going to do the next time he saw Todd and Chad. Luckily they were gone when he entered the library. Mrs. Hawkins was off tending to library business; Principal Franklin had apparently left. The only person remaining was Wendy. She had packed away Carly's books and was keeping an eye on both Carly's and Freddie's bags. Freddie smiled when he saw her, his anger momentarily subsided; he had always liked Wendy. For years she had been telling Carly she should give Freddie a chance and be his girlfriend. In return Freddie had always been willing to help Wendy out when she needed extra tutoring.

"Is Carly going to be ok?" Wendy was genuinely concerned. She wasn't as close to Carly as Sam - who could be any closer than that - but Carly was a close friend.

"I honestly don't know. Hopefully she'll feel better by Monday." Freddie's voice was a little glum.

"Is there anything I can do to help? I feel bad I couldn't do more just now."

"Not that I can think of Wendy. What you did was really great and I truly appreciate it. So does Carly and her father too."

"How about you, are you ok?" Wendy handed Freddie his bag.

"Yeah, I'm just royally pissed right now. You have no idea what I'd like to do to those two…."

"Don't go looking for trouble Freddie. While you were gone Principal Franklin gave them each two weeks detention. They weren't in a good mood either."

Freddie slung his bag over his shoulder, Wendy handed Carly's bag to him. "Don't worry, I'll be fine. Where are you headed? There's still a few minutes left in 6th period."

"I've got history with Mr. Burleson. Me and Carly were working on something for his class. What about you?"

"Chemistry with Daniels. It's near where you're going, I'll walk with you."

Freddie found that the rest of 6th period and 7th period, the last of the day, passed by in a blur. He had difficulty concentrating; all he could think about were the horrible things he would like to do to Todd Gilroy and Chad Manning. Word had spread about what happened with Carly. Between 6th and 7th periods he had been on the receiving end of many sideways glances. It was worse once 7th period ended and students could linger in the hallways without fear of being late.

Freddie was putting his books away in his locker when Todd Gilroy came up behind him. "Hey Benson, that crazy-ass bitch girlfriend of yours cost me two weeks of detention."

Freddie had been stewing in his own anger for too long. Under normal circumstances he would have just ignored Todd and gone about his business. However, Freddie was not in a normal frame of mind. Todd Gilroy was four inches taller than Freddie and outweighed him by a good 40 or 50 pounds, but that didn't matter. Without any warning Freddie took the book he was holding, Carly's history textbook ironically, and spun around swinging the book like a baseball bat or golf club.

Todd had not been expecting anything like that at all and made no move to defend his person. The heavy textbook hit him square in the jaw with enough force that it sounded like a gunshot. Freddie took his momentary advantage and hit him again in the face with the textbook. This time Todd's nose took the brunt of the blow and began spewing blood.

"You asshole, you broke my nose." Todd began to advance on Freddie. Chad had been standing a few feet away, shocked at what had happened, when he too began to advance on Freddie. Freddie was pretty sure Todd could kick his ass pretty easily by himself, let alone with Chad's help. He was thinking over his options when Chad was suddenly knocked to the ground by a pretty vicious cross-body block.

Freddie didn't have time to see who his benefactor was before Todd's fist slammed into the left side of his face. He fell back about five feet before he was able to catch himself. Deciding that if he was in for a penny he should be in for a pound, Freddie launched himself directly at Todd. He started throwing punches with abandon while Todd did the same.

This went on for just a minute or two, though it felt longer to Freddie, before Mr. Briggs and Mr. Walters broke up the fights. When things calmed down Freddie discovered that it was Derek who had taken out Chad. Looking around Freddie could see a fair amount of damage was done. Derek had a mouse under his left eye and a very swollen lip. Todd had a broken nose and was holding two of his teeth in his hand. Chad was bleeding from his nose and had a black eye. Freddie couldn't see himself, but he felt his left eye swelling and his own nose was bleeding slightly.

Mr. Briggs was livid, "Principal's office, all of you now!"

The four of them started for Principal Franklin's office with Mr. Walters in between them. Mr. Briggs stayed behind and asked if anyone saw what started the fight? Wendy had seen the whole thing.

"Mr. Briggs, Todd and Chad started the fight with Freddie. Derek was just helping Freddie." This was not strictly true; Freddie had taken the first shot, though Todd had been the instigator. Still, Wendy did not want to see Freddie get into any more trouble.

* * *

Freddie and Derek were sitting in the pair of chairs opposite Principal Franklin's desk. Principal Franklin did not look happy.

"Mr. Briggs informed me that Todd and Chad started the fight, but I am still disappointed in both of you." Freddie and Derek sat impassively, waiting for their punishment. Principal Franklin continued, "They have been suspended for five days and dismissed from the football team for the time being. As for the two of you…Ridgeway has a zero-tolerance policy in regards to fighting. The two of you are also suspended for five days starting Monday."

Principal Franklin was not without pity. He knew full well Todd and Chad and started this whole mess originally. "I'm not unsympathetic to your situation. So that your permanent records remain unblemished, I am willing to have your time out of school next week listed as an excused absence. If anybody asks, you're suspended, but the colleges you apply to don't need to know. I'll arrange with your teachers to have your assignments sent home. You're dismissed, I will see you a week from Monday."

Freddie and Derek got up quickly and left. They knew they had been given a gift and did not want to push their luck. When they left the administrative office area they found Sam waiting for them.

"Jesus, what the hell did you two do? You look terrible."

Freddie rolled his eyes, "Thanks for the encouraging words Sam."

"Yeah, we were defending Carly's honor I think." Derek look to Freddie, "I think we were, right? I joined in kind of late."

"We were," Freddie assured him. "Do you think you can give us a ride to Bushwell? I'd like to check on Carly."

"No problem. This way." Derek led the way to his car in the school's student parking lot.

On the way to Derek's car Freddie explained to both of them exactly what happened, ending with the fight outside his locker. Sam got more and more upset the more Freddie spoke. By the time they reached Derek's Honda Sam was ready to kill both Todd Gilroy and Chad Manning.

As Derek drove out of the Ridgeway parking lot Freddie tried to get Sam to forget about Todd and Chad. "They won't be the last creeps to give Carly a hard time. We can't beat up all of them."

Sam wasn't convinced, "Maybe you two pussies couldn't, but I could."

Freddie was actually enjoying having the old Sam back for a brief time. It had been a long time since he had heard her threaten anyone with mortal bodily harm. The drive back to Bushwell passed quickly in silence. Derek drove, Freddie worried about Carly in the front seat and Sam stewed in the back seat planning some unspeakable revenge on Todd and Chad.

Derek stopped in front of Bushwell plaza to let Sam and Freddie off. "Derek, why don't you come up with us?" Sam asked from the back seat.

"I don't know, Carly probably wouldn't want to see me."

Freddie did not agree, "I don't think so Derek. I think she'd like to see you. I really do."

"Are you sure?" When both Freddie and Sam agreed, Derek pulled around and parked in Bushwell's visitor lot.

The trio entered the Shay's apartment without knocking. Spencer was putting the finishing touches on his latest sculpture, something to do with birds it appeared. When he heard them enter he stopped what he was doing and was about to say hello when he got a good look at Freddie and Derek, "Jesus, what happened to you two?"

Freddie was anxious to see Carly, "It's a long story. Where's Carly?"

Spencer didn't press the issue of the state of Freddie's face, "She's upstairs in her room. Dad's with her now."

Freddie turned to head up the stairs as Steve was coming down. They met on the landing. Steve got a good look at Freddie. "Freddie, what happened to your face?"

"I kept hitting Todd Gilroy's fist with it." Freddie tried to smile at his own joke.

"Did you at least get any shots in?"

"Broke his nose and knocked out a few teeth."

Steve gave Freddie a high-five, "That's my boy. Carly's upstairs lying down. She'd like to see you I'm sure."

"Thanks."

Freddie hurried up the stairs while Sam and Derek sat down on the couch in front of the TV. Spencer and his father came over to talk to the two of them. "Any idea what happened at school?" Spencer asked.

Sam responded, "Freddie told us a couple nubs from the football team teased her pretty bad and she couldn't handle it. She had an episode in the library and Principal Franklin had Freddie take care of her. After last period the two guys gave Freddie a hard time and a fight broke out."

Spencer was surprised. "Freddie tried to fight two members of the football team?"

Derek smiled at the memory, "Oh yeah, he sucker punched the bigger guy with a textbook twice. They were about to gang up on him when I decided I couldn't let that happen. I jumped in to sort of even the odds."

Spencer was impressed, neither Freddie nor Derek were the type to ever get into fights. "Do you two want to stay for dinner? We can order some pizza."

Sam and Derek looked at each other. Sam answered, "Duh, when have I ever turned down a meal here?"

"Sounds good to me. Give my face some time to settle before I show my mom." Derek touched the swollen area of his face under his left eye. It was tender to the touch.

Steve added, "I'll go work on getting dinner. See you two later."

"Cool. I'm going to finish my sculpture, why don't you two make yourselves comfortable."

"Yeah, Spencer, like when don't I ever make myself comfortable here?" Sam put her feet up on the coffee table. Sam took the TV remote and started flipping through the channels. She came upon the remake of Dawn of the Dead. She loved that movie, "Derek, can we watch this?"

"Sure, I love zombie movies."

They watched the movie quietly for a few minutes when Sam decided she was thirsty. "Hey Derek, you want something to drink?"

"Sure, anything they got is fine."

Sam got up from the couch; she glanced over at Derek and noticed the swelling under his eye and on his lip was getting worse. She grabbed a couple of cans of soda in the kitchen and grabbed one of the ice packs Spencer regularly kept in the freezer. She wrapped it in a towel and gave it to Derek along with his drink.

"Here, this is for the swelling."

"Thanks Sam, you've become quite the nurse."

Sam laughed, "I've had a lot of practice this summer."

They watched the movie for a little while more before Sam finally asked, "You feel ok being up here?"

"Yeah, I actually feel ok. Haven't seen Carly yet, though."

"I'm sorry about what happened between the two of you." Sam did not add that if he had taken Carly back Freddie would still be her boyfriend.

"Thanks. I think things probably worked out for the best though."

"Really? You don't miss Carly?"

"I do, I really liked her a lot. The thing is, I couldn't take care of her the way Freddie can. He's a much stronger person than me. Carly's lucky to have him." Derek winced as soon as he said that. Given that Sam had broken up with Freddie so he could freely be with Carly, it might bring up bad feelings for her.

Sam visibly winced and looked towards the ground. Derek immediately apologized, "I'm sorry Sam, I shouldn't have said that."

"No, I'll be ok. I knew what I was doing when I broke up with him."

"You know, that was incredibly selfless of you. There aren't many people who would have made that same sacrifice."

"Didn't you do the same thing? Give up Carly so she could be with Freddie?"

Derek pondered what Sam had said. "I suppose you're right. I guess we each gave up the people we love so they could be happier together."

Sam didn't argue, "So what does that make us?"

"The two most selfless teenagers in Seattle. Lonely, too."

Sam and Derek continued to watch the movie in silence from that point on. Neither of them was really paying attention to the movie itself, however. Instead their thoughts were focused on the loves they had given up and sacrificed, for the greater good they hoped.

* * *

Wendy sat in front of her computer getting ready to post the latest entry in her blog, Ridgeway Today. She had decided on how she could help Carly after all. Wendy understood that what happened needed to be spun a certain or Carly would suffer the same abuse constantly. People needed to see what jerks those two bullies were and feel sympathy for Carly's plight. She decided that best way to do that was through the girls at Ridgeway.

Wendy understood that pretty much every guy at the school either had a girlfriend, or wanted a girlfriend. If she could win the girls over the boys should eventually follow. She couldn't help but smile; the way to every girl's heart these days was through Twilight. Watching Freddie carry Carly out of the school actually gave her the idea. She thought it might have been the sweetest, most romantic thing she had ever seen. She could easily picture Jacob doing the exact same thing for Bella.

Wendy began to carefully compose her blog entry. She made sure to hit every romantic highlight and emphasize what lowlifes Todd and Chad were. She may have embellished Freddie's actions slightly to make them even more romantic, but the gist was the same. Comparing Freddie's love for Carly like Jacob's for Bella was icing on the cake. There wasn't a girl at Ridgeway who wouldn't want to be treated that way. It would take some time and there would be a few guys who would resist, but eventually any guy who wanted a date or keep his girlfriend would start to sympathize with Freddie and Carly.

* * *

**Author's note. Starting with this chapter the rest of the story will skip ahead in time more than previous ones. This chapter is set a few weeks after the last one. Thanks again to everyone who has been reading this story. Any comments or reviews are greatly appreciated.**

**One more thing; am I the only person who things Wendy is a criminally underused character?**


	18. A Morning In The Life

Derek Chambers woke up just before his alarm could chime and wake him first. It was 6:00 a.m. on Friday, October 15th. He did not want to get up, but resisted the urge to hit the snooze button. He swung his legs over the side of the bed and sat there, trying to think about his day while the fuzziness of sleep left his head.

He had a history test, but he didn't worry too much about it. He and Freddie had been studying together for it most of the week and he felt pretty confident. Other than that there was nothing urgent happening. In the six weeks since the school year had started, he had gotten into a good, comfortable groove and he had a good handle on all his classes.

After getting cleaned up and dressed, Derek headed down to the kitchen. The Chambers' housekeeper, Louisa, was cooking breakfast for his father. "Morning Dad."

"Morning Derek, how is school going," Derek's father asked while scanning the paper and sipping his coffee. He was an executive at Boeing and usually in the office by 8:00 every day.

"Things are going ok. Nothing special. Mom still asleep?" Derek hoped that she was; lately she had become preoccupied with setting him up with any one of a few different daughters of prominent members of their country club. They all seemed to be cut from the same cloth; pretty but devoid of any deep thoughts whatsoever. No matter how many times he told his mother he was not interested, she wouldn't give up. Thankfully his father did not show the same interest in their social standing or his dating life.

"Yeah, she had a pretty late night." Louisa set down a plate of scrambled eggs and bacon.

"Derek, can I make you something to eat?"

"No thanks Louisa, I'll just grab a bowl of cereal and some fruit." Derek usually ate a light breakfast in the morning. He also hated the idea of Louisa cooking for him. It was not that she wasn't an excellent cook, she certainly was, but Derek felt uncomfortable with idea of having a housekeeper at all. Whenever he could, he would cook for himself and he always kept his room and bathroom as neat as possible. Whenever he had friends over he would never, under any circumstances, ask her to get refreshments or clean up after him or his guests. Even though Louisa would gladly do those things he always felt guilty.

"I wish Mom would stop trying to set me up. I'm sure those girls from the club are nice, but they're just not my type." Derek poured milk over his Frosted Flakes; sugary cereals were his one true weakness and he would eat them for every meal if he could get away with it.

"Don't worry, she'll give up eventually and move on to something else." After taking a moment to swallow some egg, his father continued, "So how are your friends doing?"

Derek's mother rarely asked after his friends, outside of if he was dating anyone at school. She seemed to worry that, in addition to not dating any of the girls from the club; he would start seeing the worst sort of girl at Ridgeway. His father tended to show more concern and when Derek explained about Carly's illness in August he had offered to help in any way he could. Derek explained that Carly was well taken care of, but his father still asked after her and his other friends.

"They're doing as well as can be expected. Carly hasn't relapsed at all and she hasn't had any incidents since the one the first week at school." Derek's mother had been horrified when she had found out about his fight and non-suspension from school for a week. His father had just told him that there were a lot worse things you could get into a fight over.

There were no sounds after that in the kitchen outside of Derek eating his cereal at the counter, his father eating his eggs and bacon and Louisa cleaning dishes. Derek let his thoughts drift to who were now probably his three closest friends.

Carly really was doing as well as could be expected. She had some pretty wild mood swings and she could become extremely depressed, but that was normal. Freddie was there for in every way possible and she seemed to respond to him more than anyone else in her worst moods. Spencer and her father were also excellent caregivers.

Freddie was strong, especially where Carly was concerned, and he seemed to be ok, though Derek had noticed signs of fatigue in him lately. Fortunately he had a good support system in place. His mother, while still quite overprotective, could always be counted on to make sure he was taking care of himself. When it came to taking care of Carly, Freddie could always rely on Spencer and Steve when he needed help. Freddie had grown very close to Carly's father and vice versa in the months since he had come back to Seattle. Derek felt pretty sure Carly's father would intercede if Freddie's health, both mental and physical, began to suffer.

Sam was the one Derek worried about the most. Things had changed quite a bit for her in the last several months and he thought she was having a difficult time coping. She was used to having Carly be her support system and now that was not a viable option. Unfortunately her mother was of very little help, according to Sam at least. Sam did not feel she could go to her with any of her issues. Freddie would gladly help Sam out in any way he could, but he had his hands full with Carly, himself and school. He was stretched pretty thin. Apparently Sam did not have any other friends she felt close enough to confide in.

Finishing his cereal, Derek washed out the empty bowl in the sink and went to the refrigerator to gather the materials he needed to make lunch. Louisa had made an incredible meatloaf the night before and Derek thought the leftover meat would make excellent sandwiches. Derek went and made enough of a lunch for two people; himself and Sam. For the past month he had been bringing Sam lunch every day, though Sam did not appear to realize that fact. Derek smiled to himself as he thought about how that all started.

It had been a Friday night in mid-September. Derek, Freddie, Sam and Carly had stayed up late watching scary movies in the Shay's living room. Everybody was pretty tired when the last movie finished; Freddie and Carly said their goodbyes quickly before retiring to their own apartment and bedroom respectively. Derek took the empty popcorn bowls and glasses to the kitchen. He had wanted to talk to Sam for a few minutes; she had seemed depressed to him and he wanted to see if there was anything he could do to help.

When he got back to the living room he found that Sam had curled up on the couch and had already fallen asleep. He remembered staring at her for a few minutes then, just pondering how different she seemed. Normally Sam was a huge ball of energy; so much it seemed like her tiny frame could barely contain it all. This made her seem larger than she truly was. Now, peacefully asleep and gently snoring, she seemed just the opposite. Asleep like this she looked as if she were actually smaller than she truly was; like when she slept she became a little girl again. It made her look very sweet in his eyes; he found himself wanting nothing more than to scoop her up in his arms and protect her from the world. He fought back the urge and simply covered her with the blanket draped over the back of the couch.

The following Monday at lunch he noticed Sam didn't have anything substantial to eat. He had made himself a BLT out of some great bacon Louisa had shipped from her home country. He went to offer Sam some of his sandwich; he got as far as, "Sam…" when she grabbed it out of his hands and ate the entire thing in maybe four bites. Freddie and Carly were horrified; they had looked like parents whose four-year-old had committed some terrible faux pas at the dinner table. Derek did not mind; he actually thought Sam looked sort of cute with bits of bacon, mayo and tomato dotting her face around her mouth.

The next day he brought an extra turkey sandwich. He purposely left it out on the table when he went to get something to drink. Upon returning he found Sam eating it with a gleeful smile on her face. "Finders keepers," she had said while chewing a bite of the sandwich. From that point on Derek started bringing Sam food for lunch and leaving it out on the table like it was an accident. Sam always took it and made some sort of smart comment.

After making the lunches he gathered his backpack and headed out, saying goodbye to both his father and Louisa. Every morning he drove over to Bushwell Plaza and picked up Carly, Freddie and Sam and drove to Ridgeway. He had offered to stop by Sam's and pick her up on the way to Bushwell, to save her a trip in the morning, but she had so far resisted. As he drove over to Bushwell he found himself pondering the enigma that was Sam Puckett; sometimes he thought she was a puzzle that simply could not be solved.

* * *

The same morning Derek was making meatloaf sandwiches for lunch, Sam Puckett had difficulty dragging herself out of bed. Her alarm had gone off a little after 6:00, after hitting the snooze button a few times she finally left her bed closer to 6:30. She quickly brushed her teeth and cleaned up for the day; after throwing on some clothes she was out the door in time to catch the 7:10 bus that would take her to Bushwell Plaza.

Sam got to Bushwell 20 minutes later and dashed upstairs to Carly's to grab a quick bite before Derek arrived to pick them up around ten to eight. She burst through the door in time to find Spencer, Carly and their father eating breakfast. "Am I too late?"

Steve replied as he stood up, having just finished his breakfast, "We saved you a plate. Here sit down."

Sam sat down in the proffered seat and dug into her plate of sausage and scrambled eggs. She was halfway finished before she paused for a breath. "Morning Spencer, Carly." Sam went back to inhaling her food. Steve sat back down with another cup of coffee and shook his head. It always amazed him how much food Sam was capable of eating and how quickly she was able to do it. Spencer and Carly were used to the sight and hardly looked up from their respective dishes of eggs and plain oatmeal.

10 minutes later everyone was finished eating and there was a knock on the door. After a moment the door opened and Freddie poked his head inside. "How is everyone?" Freddie made his way over to the kitchen and hugged Carly from behind the chair. He kissed her cheek and whispered into her ear, "Take your meds yet?"

Sam watched as Carly shook her head no. Freddie got a glass of water and pulled a small pillbox out of his pocket. Freddie and Carly did this every single school morning. Sam had asked Carly once if she wanted help with her meds. Carly curtly shook her head no. Sam didn't know why at the time, but Carly's reply had hurt her. It finally occurred to her that Carly probably didn't trust her enough to let her help with her meds.

Sam quietly bemoaned what her relationship with Carly was like right now as she watched Freddie playfully give Carly her meds one pill at a time. Carly was certainly much better than she was before entering the hospital, and she was still improving all the time, but there was now a distance between them. Part of it, of course, was her illness. Carly simply had difficulty bonding with anyone emotionally. This was not necessarily a permanent thing, and given enough time Carly might be close to where she was before, but right now Sam missed the closeness she used to share with Carly. Carly was the one person to which Sam could always open her heart. In the last couple months Sam had come to realize just how much she relied on Carly to help relieve her own stress. Without the outlet Carly usually provided Sam found her own thoughts drifting to more depressing places; sometimes places that scared her just a little bit.

Sam sighed quietly to herself as she watched Freddie check to make sure Carly had, indeed, swallowed her pills. Sadly, Freddie was another wedge between her and Carly. Sam did what she did with the knowledge that she would have to see them most every day, but it still hurt her a little bit watching them together. She missed Freddie; missed the closeness that they had shared for a brief time. She wished she could talk to Freddie now about how she was feeling, but she didn't want to burden him further. He already had enough on his plate; she didn't want to add anything else.

Sam's thoughts drifted off again to the way things used to be. Doing iCarly every week, picking on Freddie, messing with Lewbert, hours spent just talking with Carly during one of her frequent sleepovers. She wished she could turn back the calendar somehow and go back to those bygone days. Her pleasant thoughts were interrupted by Freddie.

Freddie gently shook her shoulder, "Sam, you awake? Derek just texted, he's waiting for us downstairs."

"Yeah, I'm awake. I was just…somewhere else."

Freddie slung his messenger bag over his shoulder as Carly wrapped a scarf around her neck. "Someplace nice? You looked really happy there for a second."

Sam grabbed her backpack and led the trio out the front door of the loft. "Yep, the greatest place in the world." Sam had wanted to tell Freddie that it was too bad that dreaming was the only way she could ever go back there, but she didn't want him to think she was getting a little depressed.

* * *

About 15 minutes before Derek awoke on this morning, and 45 before Sam followed suit, Freddie Benson was wide awake in his own bed. Those first minutes from when Freddie first woke up till his mind finally cleared away the residue of sleep were, as of late, his favorite of the day. Once his mind was clear he quickly rose from bed and made his way into his bathroom.

After getting cleaned up he quickly dressed and headed for his kitchen. Because of his surgery and the resulting shrinkage in the size of his stomach, Freddie had a hard time maintaining his weight. He was always drinking protein shakes and getting as many calories as he could. The problem, though, was Carly had the opposite situation. Her antipsychotic medication would cause her to gain a massive amount of weight if left unchecked. Since Carly was always dieting, Freddie felt he had to limit how much he ate whenever he was around her, which was often. Therefore he liked to eat before going across the hall.

Freddie cooked himself a couple eggs and some leftover ham that Sam somehow allowed to remain in his fridge. He ate slowly, and as he did so, thought about the past month at school.

His mother had been very upset when she found out about the fight he had gotten into. When he explained everything that had led up to the altercation she had been mollified some, but she was still disappointed. She did not say so specifically, but Freddie could tell it was over the whole Sam/Carly thing. Over the summer she had grown to like and even admire Sam; when Sam and he had broken up his mother couldn't help but be saddened by the news. His mother understood full well the pull Carly had over him, and vice versa, but she couldn't help but feel that Sam would be better for him in the long run.

Freddie remembered that first weekend after Carly's episode. She had refused to come out of her room at all. She spent almost the entire night that Friday literally crying on Freddie's shoulder. She only stopped to use the bathroom; she wouldn't eat or even go downstairs to speak with Sam or Derek. That night Freddie had received a text from Wendy to check out her blog and call her when he could. It was almost Saturday afternoon before he could do so.

Wendy told him about her plan to spin Carly's public image at school and smear the two football players who had teased her mercilessly. Freddie was skeptical, but he shouldn't have doubted her. By the end of the weekend Wendy's blog and the iCarly website, which Freddie still maintained, were filled with email messages supporting Carly and decrying the two "creeps" who taunted her.

Freddie was eternally grateful and worked hard to convince Carly it wouldn't be so bad when she went back to school. He showed her the emails and message board postings people were leaving. These actually made and impression on her and she started to feel better, but she still refused to go back to school without Freddie. She would not return to Ridgeway until Freddie and Derek's "suspensions" ended.

Freddie was convinced of Wendy's ultimate genius when, on their first day back, the star quarterback and captain of the football team, Mark Cannon, came up to Carly at her locker and personally apologized for what Todd and Chad had done. He told her and Freddie that if they had any problems with anyone at the school, especially anyone on the football team, they could come to him for help. Carly had been so grateful she had almost cried. After that she had relaxed considerably and felt more at ease.

When Freddie had mentioned the incident to Wendy she only smiled like the cat that had swallowed the canary. When pressed further, she explained to Freddie that she had sought out Mark's girlfriend, who was an incurable gossip, and personally went to work on her. It helped that Mark was a basically decent guy who wasn't the bullying type. Freddie decided at that moment that Wendy was probably the smartest person at Ridgeway and that he never wanted to get on her bad side.

As far as Freddie could tell, the only downside to Wendy's machinations had been comparing him to Taylor Lautner in Twilight. Sam had laughed her ass off and almost choked on her chicken wing when she saw Wendy's blog entry. She had said if Taylor Lautner were pasty, geeky and scrawny then maybe she could see it. Still, a couple of freshman girls had asked him if it was true he and Lautner were cousins. Freddie just shook his head and tried not to laugh too hard.

Seeing it was time to go over to Carly's, Freddie grabbed that day's pillbox from the top of his dresser. He kept 10 doses of Carly's medications in separate pillboxes at all times. Every morning he brought one over to the Shay's apartment and personally gave Carly her meds. He never wanted a repeat of what happened in the hospital.

His mother was just getting up as he was leaving. She was working the three to eleven shift at the hospital and tended to sleep in a little later in the morning. Freddie said a hasty goodbye as he gathered his books and notes for his history test that day. Between taking care of Carly, studying for school and school itself he hardly ever saw his mother anymore.

* * *

Carly Shay woke up that morning at 5:00 a.m. just like every day. Her first order of business was to exercise. She knew her meds could cause her to gain an enormous amount of weight and that the best way to combat that side effect was a strict regimen of diet and exercise. She had always been somewhat vain about her appearance and this worried her more than she liked to admit. She also worried that Freddie would stop being attracted to her if she wound up weighing 250 pounds. He had said he would love her no matter what, even if she weighed 450 pounds, but she didn't want to test that statement. She did not know what she would do if Freddie ever left her; she was certain she would not want to live any longer.

She met her father in the hallway on the way to the iCarly studio, which now served as their new home gym. Her father was used to a lifetime of getting up at these early hours and did not mind keeping his daughter company. Carly ran six to eight miles every morning on the treadmill and her father did his best to keep up. They rarely talked during this time; neither of them minded, just sharing the activity together was enough to lift their spirits.

After their run, Carly took a shower and got herself ready for school. She then forced herself to study for an hour while her father started breakfast. This was her least favorite part of her day. Even before being formally diagnosed with schizophrenia Carly had found it harder and harder to study and absorb her lessons. She had never been as gifted a student as Freddie, she had always had to work hard for her good grades. Now she was finding she had to work even harder to keep from falling behind. It was very frustrating for her and the fact that she could not properly communicate this to anyone but Freddie made it even worse.

Spencer woke up while she was studying and tried to help. Unfortunately, academics were never his strong suit and he was of limited value. Still, he did manage to cheer her up a little bit at least.

Once their father announced that breakfast was ready, the three of them gathered around the table and ate together as a family. This activity was something Carly had missed out on most of her life and she was surprised to find she actually enjoyed it. Most forms of social interaction were difficult for her now, especially without Freddie by her side, but this felt good to her.

It felt good to her father as well; he finally felt like he was becoming more comfortable as a parent, no matter that his children were 28 and 16 years old respectively. He just wished he could speed Carly's recovery along, though he knew it was something that simply could not be rushed. Still, he knew that she needed routine and if there was one thing the military taught him, it was how to instill routines.

Eventually Sam came into the loft; of course Steve had a plate ready for her. Just part of the routine now; even Freddie coming in 10 minutes before they had to leave was part of the routine, as was his giving Carly her medicine every morning.

Carly found that she only wanted Freddie to give her the daily doses of her medications. She often felt ashamed to have to take them; when Freddie gave them to her she did not feel quite so bad. He would usually give her a peck on the lips after each pill or he said something especially loving and encouraging. Sam had once offered to get her meds for her, but Carly refused. She wanted to explain to Sam how taking the meds made her feel emotionally, and how Freddie alleviated those feelings, but she just couldn't find the right words to express herself. She hoped that Sam understood.

Eventually it was time to leave. Carly quickly put a scarf on to cover the scar on her neck. Now that the weather was getting colder it was actually easier to conceal its presence. Her father had offered to pay for the plastic surgery that could permanently conceal the scar, but Carly wasn't sure if she wanted it. The scar made her feel self conscious and unattractive, but it was an extremely visible and constant reminder of the dangers involved in not taking her medication.

After quickly saying their goodbyes, the trio of teens took the elevator down to the lobby to meet Derek out front. Freddie and Carly got into the back seat of Derek's Camry and Sam climbed into the front. Again, just like they did every day. Whether they realized it or not, the four friends were establishing a morning routine that Carly depended on more than anyone would care to admit.

* * *

It was lunch time on Friday, October 15th, the unofficial end of the morning. Freddie and Carly took their usual seats next to each other at the table. Derek left one of his meatloaf sandwiches on the table while he went to get something to drink. In the interim Sam arrived and immediately scooped up the sandwich.

"You'd think that boy would have figured out by now leaving unattended food with me around is a bad idea," Sam said in between bites of sandwich. "Mama loves free food."

Derek sat down with a drink for himself and one for Sam. Noticing the crumbs and bits of meatloaf on Sam's face he said, "Good thing that was my decoy." He offered Sam an apple which she greedily snapped up.

Freddie shook his head and laughed, "Be careful Derek. She's like a stray dog, you keep feeding her and she'll never leave you alone."

Sam stuck her tongue out at Freddie and lightly kicked him under the table. Freddie thought she must have been maturing; a year ago she would have left bruises.

Looking around the lunch room, Freddie noticed a sign for the homecoming dance. "So, Carly, do you want to go to the dance?"

Carly looked around the room and then down at the floor before looking back at Freddie. "I don't think so. I probably wouldn't be much fun."

Derek chimed in, "That's not true and I bet you would have a great time."

Sam finished the apple and tossed in her two cents, "You should go Carls. I bet you and Freddie would have a lot of fun."

Carly sighed, "Are you two going?" She eyed both Derek and Sam.

"Um, I wasn't planning on it." Derek replied.

"Me? I don't think so. I still haven't recovered from that girl's choice dance Gibby shot me down for." The act of being turned down by Gibby, even if it was for an insanely hot chick, still made Sam feel ashamed.

"Well, I'm not going unless both of you are going." Carly was adamant.

"Come on Carls," Sam pleaded, "I don't have anyone to go with. I'll just be miserable and you know how much I hate dressing up."

"Wait a second," Derek interjected, "I'll go only if Sam dresses up. That's something I have to see to believe."

Sam stuck her tongue out at Derek, but spared him any physical harm. "Give me a break," she replied, "Next thing you'll want me to dance."

Freddie saw an opportunity to get back at Sam for all the Taylor Lautner ribbing, "I'm only going if you dance at least once. Otherwise, forget about it."

Sam shot Freddie and Derek poisonous looks. "What about you Carls? Anything you'd like to add that would humiliate me further?"

Carly smiled, something she rarely did in school anymore. For a second it actually warmed Sam's heart and she felt better about the whole dance idea. "No Sam, that sounds pretty reasonable. I will go to the dance with Freddie but you have to promise to dress up with me, wear actual makeup and dance at least once. Oh, and no giving any wedgies while we're there. Leave poor Gibby alone."

Sam was trapped. She really wanted Carly and Freddie to go to this dance, she could tell by the look on his face that Freddie really wanted to go as well. Unable to refuse her best friends for very long, she finally relented. "Ok, but you're driving us," she pointed at Derek, "And the two of you," she said referring to both Freddie and Derek, "Are dressing up too. Got it? Now pinky swear."

With that the four friends sealed the deal with the traditional four-way pinky swear. In one week's time Carly would be going to her first dance since being diagnosed with schizophrenia.

* * *

**Author's Note. Thanks to everyone who has been reading and reviewing this story. This chapter is meant to give a glimpse into the typical morning of our four main characters; yes, much like Gibby being bumped up to the main cast, Derek has gotten a promotion. Please let me know what you think. I will say that the seeds of some future story lines have been planted here. I would appreciate feedback as to which ones you would like to see explored first. **


	19. Prelude: 5 Conversations

_Tuesday, October 19__th__, 2010; Four Days Before the Homecoming Dance_

Freddie was tired, more tired than he could ever remember being. It was almost 8:00 p.m. and he was trying to help Carly with her advanced algebra homework. Carly was not being very cooperative and was having difficulty concentrating. He stood up from his chair next to Carly's at her desk and began pacing the room while Carly was supposed to be trying to work out a problem.

Freddie had slept maybe a total of 16 hours since the previous Friday. Since deciding to attend the homecoming dance the following Saturday, Carly's moods had swung wildly between giddy anticipation and serious dread. She was either excitedly trying to decide with Freddie what to wear or bemoaning to him how scared she was to attend. In either case her demands on Freddie's time, always tremendous under normal conditions, had grown even greater.

On that particular Friday night she had woken up terrified around midnight and called Freddie. He had come over and lied next to her until she calmed down enough to fall asleep again. Since then he had spent more and more time with her later into the night in case she had more nightmares.

In addition to paying even more attention to Carly, Freddie had also spent more time taking care of his mother. She had developed a serious viral infection and was confined to her bed. Freddie had been getting up early to make sure she took her antibiotics and make her breakfast. He had also been doing more of the housework and all of the cooking. Whenever Sam or Derek or any of the Shay's asked how he and his mother were doing he always said they were fine, but Freddie was not fine.

Steven had told Freddie he should spend more time with his mother and get more rest for himself, but Carly had pitched a fit when Freddie broached the idea with her. Later nights and early, busier mornings; combined with his increased workload at home and his normal school work meant Freddie was at his breaking point. Dark circles were evident under his eyes and the previous morning he had snapped at Derek without provocation. Sam had witnessed this and pointedly asked Freddie if he was ok; Freddie shrugged off the question by saying he was simply a little tired.

Freddie sat back down next to Carly and looked at what she had done. He sighed as he saw that instead of trying to work out the equation she had drawn a series of concentric circles. Carly smiled at Freddie, as if she were proud of what she had done. Freddie was not amused.

"Carly, what about the equation? You're supposed to be doing your homework." Freddie rubbed his temples; he was developing a ferocious headache.

Carly looked past Freddie and off into space. After a few moments she answered, "I don't feel like it."

"Come on, Carls, you have a test on this stuff Thursday. You need to do this work." Freddie's tone was almost pleading.

"Aren't circles pretty? They just go round and round." Carly's voice took on the tone of a girl half her age.

"Yes Carly, but now isn't the time. Please, we need to get through this."

"I don't…." Carly's voice trailed off as she picked up her calculator and began randomly pressing buttons.

Freddie took the calculator from her and set it down on the desk with a little more force than was necessary. "Concentrate Carly."

"No" was all Carly said before tearing up the page of homework she had been working on. "I don't feel like it."

Freddie wasn't quite at his breaking point, but he was close. He did nothing to keep the anger he was feeling out of his voice, "Damn it Carly, why'd you do that?"

Carly did not reply verbally, she simply stuck her tongue out at Freddie. Freddie tried one more time to get Carly to concentrate on her homework. "Please cupcake, please try and concentrate."

Carly's moods, besides fluctuating from one extreme end of the emotional spectrum to the other extreme end, could switch between the two with surprising swiftness. That is what happened in this instance. Once second her emotional tone was flat, the next she was in a rage.

"Get out Freddie, I hate you." Carly's voice was angry and bitter.

Freddie knew Carly's moods better than anyone, but he was still surprised by her sudden shift. "What?"

Carly stood up from her chair and pointed towards her bedroom door. "Get out!" Her voice was a little louder than before and the anger a little more intense.

Freddie stood up and faced Carly. "Carly, sweetie, calm down. It's ok."

Carly did not calm down; she did the opposite of calming down. Without warning she swung her right arm out and slapped Freddie hard across his face. One of her fingernails dragged against his cheek and drew blood. She screamed at the top of her lungs, "GET OUT FREDDIE!"

Freddie passed his breaking point. His lack of sleep, the extra work around his home and the extra time spent with Carly finally caught up with him. He actually found his hands balling up into fists, his rage boiling over like a pot of pasta left on the stove too long. All he knew in that moment was that he had to hit something, anything. To his credit he did not hit Carly; instead he punched the wall next to him, his hand breaking through the drywall completely.

Without another word Freddie turned away from Carly and stormed out of her room. Everything was a blur to him. He managed to walk down the stairs to the living room, but he did not respond to either Sam or Steve when he brushed past them at the foot of the stairs. In seconds he was out the front door.

Steve and Sam looked at each other; neither of them knowing quite what to do. They had heard Carly's last scream at Freddie and heard him punch the wall. They were heading up the stairs to see what was happening when they were interrupted by Freddie rushing down the stairs. Eventually Sam offered to go after Freddie; Steve agreed and went upstairs to see Carly. Sam tentatively walked out of the Shay's apartment; she hoped Freddie had gone home instead of some place she did not know about to cool off.

* * *

Steven Shay stopped just outside his daughter's room and looked in on her. Carly was sitting on her bed, her knees drawn up to her chest, her head pointed down. Steven looked around the room and noted the hole in the wall near Carly's desk. Carly gave no indication that she knew her father was there; he finally cleared his throat to announce his presence. Carly looked up at him with sad eyes; she looked as if she was trying desperately not to cry.

Steven stepped into the room and sat down on the end of the bed. He waited a moment and contemplated what he wanted to say. "Carly, what happened?"

Carly breathed deeply and stared up at the ceiling. She did not feel like talking but knew she had no choice in the matter. "I got into a fight with Freddie."

"What did you fight about?"

"I…I was trying to study and couldn't…I just couldn't." A few tears escaped Carly's eyes.

"Ok, what did Freddie do?" Steven kept his voice steady.

Carly couldn't look directly at her father. "He kept saying I needed to concentrate."

"You couldn't concentrate, could you?"

"No. I'm sorry, I couldn't."

"What happened then? I heard you yell."

Carly's breath grew shallow. She had difficulty getting the words out. "I…told him to get out."

Steven did not say anything; he just kept his gaze on Carly. After a few minutes of silence he cleared his throat again. When Carly did not take the hint Steven prompted her, "Carly…".

"Freddie punched the wall and left." Carly still would not look at her father.

Steven knew Carly was leaving something out. "Carly look at me." When Carly did not reply Steven scooted closer to Carly on the bed and spoke in a sterner voice, "CARLY, look at me now."

Carly finally complied; looking at her father with fresh tears. "What Daddy?"

Steven had noticed the scratch on Freddie's face, "Did you hit Freddie?" Carly started to hem and haw, "Don't deny it Carly. I saw a scratch on Freddie's face."

Carly did not answer right away, just nodded. Eventually she spoke again, "I don't know why. I didn't want to hurt him. I was just so…"

"Frustrated?" Steven asked.

Carly readily agreed, "Yes. I was just so frustrated. I couldn't concentrate; I wanted to so bad, I just couldn't. Freddie hates me now."

"No, Carly, Freddie does not hate you. He probably should not have punched the wall, but he is under a lot of stress."

"Are you sure?" Carly's looked so hopeful Steven almost cried himself.

"I haven't spoken with him yet, but I am pretty sure." Steven took both of Carly's hands in his own. "There is something very important we have to discuss right now."

"What is it?"

"Carly, you are sick, you have an illness. We know that and understand that you have some difficulties. We know that you need some special treatment and that there are some things you cannot do right now."

Carly nodded her head, "I know."

Steven continued, "It's good that you know that, but you have to know something else and this is very important." Steven paused hoping that what he was about to say would sink in deep. "Even though you are sick Carly, you are still accountable for your actions. Do you understand?"

Carly did not answer or give any indication that she understood. Steven tried phrasing what he was trying to say in a different way. "Carly, even though you are sick there are still some things you cannot do. Hitting Freddie, hitting anyone, is not acceptable. If you do it again you are going to be punished."

Carly's tears grew in intensity, "I didn't want to hit him."

"I know that sweetheart, but you still can't do that. There are some other things that have to change too."

"What?" Carly's voice showed a bit of trepidation.

"For one thing you can't have Freddie here all the time."

"I thought you liked Freddie." Carly's voice was pleading.

"I do, I like Freddie a lot sweetheart, but I'm worried about him. He is wearing himself out taking care of you and himself, he can't keep it up."

"But I need Freddie."

"Carly, you need to learn to do more things for yourself. I know Freddie is right across the hall, but you can't have him here every time you have a bad dream."

"He wants to be here, I know it."

"I know he does sweetie, and that's part of what makes him a wonderful boyfriend and person, but it's not good if it's damaging his health." Steven sighed, this was hard for Carly to hear, but it she had to be told. "I know you don't want to hear this, but it's important that we establish these boundaries."

Carly was more scared than she wanted to admit. She hated that she had slapped Freddie, in fact she hated herself for doing it, but Freddie was very much a security blanket she felt she needed. "What happens now Daddy?"

"Right now you are going to think about what you did. You are also going to cut back on the time you spend with Freddie for the next several days. You can see him when you ride to school with Sam and Derek and at school, of course, but outside of that you are not going to see Freddie until the dance on Saturday night."

Carly sounded resigned to her own dismal fate. "I'm not going to the dance. Freddie's not going to want to go with me now."

"No, I feel pretty confident Freddie will still want to go with you." Steven hoped that was the case since, of course, he had not yet spoken directly with Freddie. "How about if I take you and Sam shopping for new dresses tomorrow or Thursday?"

Carly's face brightened momentarily but then fell again, "Will Sam want to do that? She hasn't wanted to spend much time with me."

Steven was taken aback by that statement. He was pretty sure that was not true; he got the sense from Sam that she was lonely and wished to spend more time with Carly. "I think she will. She's missed you Carly, I think she needs her best friend again."

For the first time since they started speaking Carly smiled a little bit. "I miss Sam too. Maybe it will be fun to go shopping. Thanks Dad."

Steven returned Carly's smile. "It's settled then. I'll talk to Sam and the three of us will go shopping together."

Steven leaned in and gave Carly a hug. He was grateful when she returned the gesture and whispered that she loved him.

* * *

Sam was relieved when she found Freddie in his bedroom. Fortunately he had forgotten to lock his front door behind him. Sam had entered without knocking in case his mother was asleep, which she was. Treading carefully, making as little noise as possible, she gently knocked on Freddie's bedroom door and slowly opened it.

She found Freddie sitting on his bed with his back against his headboard. He was crying, his eyes read and puffy while the scratch Carly left on his face stood out prominently against his skin. "Freddie, is it ok if I come in?" Sam asked quietly, she did not want to wake up his mother.

Freddie did speak aloud; he just nodded his head. Sam entered the room, quietly shut the door behind her, and moved towards Freddie's bed. Freddie scooted over making a space for Sam. She sat on her knees next to Freddie on the bed. Freddie still had not stopped crying and close up Sam could tell he was trembling as well. Whatever had happened had really upset him.

Sam took Freddie into an embrace and held his head close to her chest. There was nothing sexual in the gesture; Sam simply gave what comfort she could. Freddie had spent all of his time caring for Carly, and now his mother, nobody had taken the time to care for him. Sam gently rocked Freddie and cooed into his ear. Eventually Freddie stopped trembling and his tears abated as well.

"I feel horrible Sam," Freddie eventually spoke. "I got mad at Carly and lost my temper."

Sam stroked Freddie's hair, "It's ok Freddie, I know you didn't mean it."

Freddie continued, "I…I just couldn't take it. I'm so sorry."

"I know you are, you are just under so much of a strain now you were bound to break at some point."

"That's no excuse Sam. After Carly slapped me I got so mad I felt like hitting her."

Sam was surprised at that; she could never envision Freddie hitting Carly under any circumstances. "The important thing is that you did not hit Carly."

Freddie shook his head, "Instead I just punched a hole in her bedroom wall."

Sam sighed under her breath. She hoped Carly wasn't too scared and her father had things under control. "You just needed a release Freddie; nobody is going to blame you for that."

"You don't know what it's like Sam. I love Carly so much, I do everything I can to show her how much I love her."

"But she can't love you back the same way." Sam finished his thought. It was not as if Sam had a lot of experience when it came to romance and relationships, but she could tell this had to be a source of frustration to Freddie. He finally had the girl of his dreams but had to contend with a maze of emotional roadblocks.

"I am so tired Sam. I…feel so bad."

Sam thought that when Freddie said he was tired he might have meant more than just physically tired. She shifted so Freddie would sit up and she could look directly at him. "Freddie, you don't need to feel ashamed. You are just tired and frustrated because Carly has a hard time loving you back. That's ok. Everybody needs to be loved. Everybody, Freddie."

Freddie looked down. "I need to apologize to Carly."

"No Freddie, I think you can do that later. Right now you need to rest."

Freddie began to protest, "But…"

Sam cut him off sternly, "No buts. You need to lie down and get some rest."

Freddie did not argue, he was simply too exhausted to put up any kind of fight. He slid down the bed and rested his head on one of his pillows, lying down on his side facing Sam. Sam cradled Freddie in her arms and wished him a good night. Neither of them spoke; the only sound was their respective breathing. After a few short minutes Freddie's breathing grew deep and steady, he had fallen into a deep sleep.

Sam stayed with him for a bit, feeling his chest expand and contract with each breath. Sam found a few tears escaping her eyes; she did not want to cry in front of Freddie, she felt she had to stay strong for his sake. Since Freddie was fast asleep, however, she felt free to shed a few tears. She did not want to admit to Freddie; or anyone really, including herself, that she was afraid nobody would ever love her.

* * *

Sam entered the Shay's apartment to find Steve sitting on the couch absently watching television. He looked up at Sam upon her entrance not bothered that she did not knock. "How's Freddie?"

"He is very tired and very sorry and, oh yeah, very tired." Sam exhaled loudly. "How's Carly?"

"Not as tired as Freddie but very frustrated and sorry as well."

Sam came over and sat down next to Steve on the couch. "What happened?"

"Freddie was trying to get through Carly's homework with her and she couldn't focus and concentrate. She grew frustrated and yelled at Freddie. After she slapped him he punched a hole in the wall and left."

"Wow, I have never, ever known Freddie to get that angry."

"I suspect his exhaustion is catching up with him. He needs to rest and get his strength back, both emotional and physical."

Sam shook her head, "What about Carly? She seems to really need him."

"Maybe she does, but just because she is sick doesn't mean she can't have boundaries. She needs to respect Freddie's needs as well as her own."

Sam thought about that for a second, "Freddie probably won't pull back on his own."

"I know, but I am not giving him or Carly a choice. They can see each other at school the rest of the week, but they are not to see each other outside of school until the dance on Saturday. I am putting my foot down."

Sam smiled, for a second she thought Steve sounded just like an over-protective father. "Watch it there; you don't want to become a male version of Freddie's mother."

Steve laughed with Sam, "Don't worry, tic baths are strictly optional." They laughed together for a moment before Steve changed the subject, "You know Sam, just as much as Carly needs Freddie, she also needs her best friend, and vice versa."

Sam was skeptical. "I don't know, Carly doesn't seem to act like it."

Steve's tone grew serious, "Sam, believe me, you cannot gauge Carly's mood or thoughts by how she appears. She really needs you, she needs her best friend again, but she is just having a hard time showing it."

Sam grew hopeful, "Do you think so?"

"I do, very much." Steve looked Sam directly in the eye, "I also think you do as well. I also think you have a hard time showing it."

Sam had to admit he was right about that. "You may be right."

"Hey, I know I am, but that's ok; we'll keep it between ourselves." Steve got a smirk on his face not unlike one of Freddie's, "It's not like we want people to know you have feelings and needs like normal people."

Sam returned his smirk with one of her own, "Thanks, I don't want to show any weakness." Sam was being half-sarcastic.

"No, we wouldn't want you to do that." Steve shook his head.

"Hey, is it ok if I go upstairs and talk to Carly?" Sam felt like she had something important to tell her.

"Fine with me. She's looking forward to the three of us going shopping tomorrow."

"What shopping tomorrow?"

Steve's smirk morphed into something of a grin. "I am taking you and Carly shopping for new dresses for the dance."

Sam's jaw dropped, "its bad enough I have to go to the dance in the first place and wear a dress, but now I have to shop for a new one too?"

"Yep, and probably new shoes too I imagine. I'm really not up on this stuff."

Sam hated shopping for clothes, she used to hate being dragged to the mall by Carly to look at and try on endless numbers of dresses and shoes, but if this would cheer Carly up she supposed she could suck it up. "All right, I'll put up with the shopping if it will make Carly feel better."

"That's the spirit Sam. You can do it."

"You know I hate all that girly stuff." Sam stood up and made her way over to the staircase.

"Then you're gonna love that spa treatment I am treating the two of you to on Saturday afternoon." Steve couldn't help but smile, though he felt a little bad that it came about because Sam was so obviously uncomfortable.

Sam turned around with a look on her face of pure terror and continued up the stairs.

* * *

Sam paused outside Carly's bedroom door. She looked in to see Carly lying on her bed staring up at the ceiling. After a moment Carly noticed Sam standing there and sat up on her bed Indian style. Sam spoke first, "Hey cupcake is it ok if I come in?"

Sam was pleasantly surprised when Carly smiled back and patted the space in front of her on the bed. "Sure it is."

Sam took up a similar position in front of Carly. For a moment neither of them said anything; they just stared at one another, almost as if they were meeting again for the first time. In truth this was not the case; Carly and Sam had spent so much time in each other's company over the years that they could communicate a great many things without actually saying them.

Finally Carly spoke, "I'm…sorry Sam."

"I know, Freddie's sorry too. He wants you to know that."

Carly's smile had long since faded, "I don't just mean that."

"What do you mean Carls?"

"I'm sorry about us. I haven't been a very good friend."

Sam tried not to cry, "I guess I haven't either. I'm sorry too."

"It's so hard Sam. I…love you, I really do, I love you like you're my sister. It's just that sometimes," Carly grew frustrated, Sam could see it clearly on her face, "Sometimes I can't express what I'm feeling."

Sam did not want Carly to get upset. "It's ok, I understand."

"Do you?" Carly started to cry, "I want to be like I was before, but I can't. I want to share how I'm feeling with you, but I can't sometimes. I am so sorry; I know you're ashamed of me."

Sam was surprised, not once did she ever feel ashamed of Carly in any way shape or form. "No, Carly, that is not true at all. I have never been ashamed of you."

"I don't know why. Do you know what it's like to have to take…pills every day or you'll go crazy? Everybody is ashamed of me except for Freddie, and I hurt him. What am I going to do?" The floodgates opened on Carly's tear ducts and the tears flowed freely down both of her cheeks.

Once again Sam found that she was in a position where she needed to provide comfort to one of her best friends. She hugged Carly tightly in her arms and spoke directly into her ear, "I will NEVER be ashamed of you. Don't ever think that. Neither will Spencer, or Freddie or your Father. We all love you and that will not change."

Carly continued to sob on Sam's shoulder; eventually she laid Carly down when her sobbing slowed to a trickle. She got up to leave when Carly called out to her, "Sam, could you stay with me a while, please?"

Sam always had difficulty telling Carly no, much like Freddie. She lied down on the bed next to Carly much as she did for Freddie earlier. The only difference was that while Sam had an arm around Carly, Carly also had an arm around Sam. As they drifted off to sleep together Carly whispered to Sam, "Do you think Freddie will forgive me?"

Sam was nose to nose with Carly and opened her eyes to answer her. "I know he already has, Carls, Freddie will love you forever no matter what."

Sam watched Carly contentedly drift off to sleep; Carly never saw the few random tears that escaped Sam's eyes. Soon Sam was asleep herself, her gentle snores the only sound in the room. Later that evening Steve came upstairs to check on the girls. He found them asleep in Carly's bed wrapped up in each other's arms. As much as Sam may have been comforting Carly, Carly was obviously also comforting Sam. Most fathers would have been alarmed to find their teenage daughter in bed in such a position with another teenager, male or female. This sight did not trouble Steven Shay; on the contrary, he was quite pleased. He knew that Carly and Sam needed each other and he was glad they could reconnect. It made him feel quite good about the future.

* * *

**Author's Note. I apologize for the long delay in updating; the real world has been quite busy for me lately. I hope to update more often now. Thank you again for reading this story; I greatly appreciate the effort put forth by the people who have taken the time to review this story and leave their comments. For those curious, we will be getting to the big dance next chapter. Until then….**


	20. Let's Dance

Freddie and Derek were sitting on the couch in the Shay's living room. It was the night of the homecoming dance and they were patiently waiting for Carly and Sam to come downstairs. While they were waiting Spencer was regaling them with a story about a school dance he attended in the 10th grade. It involved a car, a case of eggs and for some reason a goat. Truth be told both Freddie and Derek were tuning Spencer out at that point, especially Freddie.

Steven Shay had been true to his word and Freddie had not set one foot in the apartment since his and Carly's horrendous fight the previous Tuesday. Freddie had taken the opportunity to rest as much as he possibly could. He never made it to school on Wednesday; he had woken up around 11:30 to find a text message from Carly on his phone: I love you, can u forgive me? He replied: Of course, can u forgive me? He did not get to see or speak with Carly the rest of that day, but he got his answer the next morning when they rode to school together with Sam and Derek. Carly had insisted on making out with him the entire drive to Ridgeway, much to Sam's disgust.

Still the only time he saw Carly the past few days had been in school or on the way to and from school. He had found that he missed her and couldn't wait to take her to the dance. He had hoped to maybe sneak over and see her earlier that day but her and Sam had gone to the day spa before he got the chance. Freddie looked at his watch, it was almost 6:30 and they were supposed to leave soon; the dance was at 7:00. Freddie looked over at Derek; the look on his face appeared to match how Freddie felt: bored. Spencer was now going on about putting roller skates on the goat.

Freddie sighed; Derek had gotten to Freddie's around 5:00 and they had passed most of that time laughing at the thought of Sam in a day spa. Sam eschewed most things girly or overly feminine and a day spa was maybe the girliest place on the planet after Build-A-Bra or Glitter Gloss. It was a sign of just how much she cared for Carly that she was willing to go in the first place. The last time Carly tried to get Sam to go to one of those places with her, Sam feigned appendicitis and Carly wound up taking Wendy. Spencer was explaining exactly how fast a goat can go on roller skates when they were mercifully interrupted by Steven coming down the stairs.

Steven spoke cheerfully, "Ok, are you boys ready to finally see your dates?"

Spencer, Freddie and Derek could hear Sam yell from the top of the stairs, "Derek is not my date."

Freddie patted Derek on his back. "Don't take it personally. She's had a long day of being pampered and treated like a princess; it's bound to make her cranky."

Derek was about to make a smart remark when Sam made her entrance down the stairs and he, Freddie and Spencer suddenly forgot whatever it was they were thinking. Sam, for lack of any better words, looked absolutely gorgeous. At the spa she and Carly had had their hair and makeup professionally done. Sam usually wore her hair down and left it somewhat unruly. Now it was swept up off her neck and shoulders and the light reflecting off of it made it seem especially golden. She wore a blue dress that ended a few inches above her knees and clung to her in just the right places. It showed off curves she had seemingly developed in secret and kept hidden under multiple layers of clothes at all times. She had on four inch heels that she seemed to have some trouble navigating the stairs with, but which made her look all the more attractive. The only jewelry she wore was a pair of diamond earrings she borrowed from Carly. The only way Sam could have looked more beautiful was if she were actually smiling instead of sporting a slight frown.

Derek was blown away; his jaw hung open and he wasn't sure he was actually breathing. He had heard that Sam had made an effort to dress and act more girly as a freshman for about three days, but Derek had moved to Seattle after that, and when people spoke of it they spoke in hushed tones as if discussing a UFO sighting. At Ridgeway most students did not believe it had actually happened; Sam Puckett acting girly for almost a week was now considered on the level of an urban legend. Incoming freshmen and sophomores refused to believe it at all without definitive photographic proof, much like Bigfoot or the Loch Ness Monster, and sadly no actual proof existed.

For a few painfully long moments there was no sound in the room at all. Finally Derek managed to find his ability to speak and eke out a few words, "Wow Sam….uh, really….wow…you look so…feminine."

Sam Puckett may have been sporting a new look on the outside, but on the inside she was still the same. She snorted at Derek's compliment and retorted, "Yeah, so do you." Sam carefully walked down the remaining stairs and stood between Freddie and Spencer to wait for Carly.

Spencer tried to be encouraging, he was pretty sure Sam was uncomfortable, "You really look great Sam. No kidding."

Freddie echoed Spencer's sentiment, "Spencer's right, I have never seen you look better." Freddie surreptitiously gave Sam's right hand a light squeeze.

Before Carly came down the stairs next, Derek leaned in close to Sam's ear and whispered so only she could hear, "I'm sorry for my crappy choice of words. You look positively stunning and beautiful." Sam finally smiled a little bit and Derek was pleased with himself. He was even more pleased when he noticed she was blushing slightly. Before he could go any further he was interrupted by Carly's entrance down the staircase.

Carly, like Sam, looked incredibly beautiful. Also like Sam she had worn something out of her usual wardrobe comfort zone. Carly tended to favor shorter skirts that showed off her legs. It was the one feature of her body in which she had the most confidence. She might have been expected to wear a dress similar to Sam's, above the knee, but instead went in the opposite direction. Her dress was full-length down to her ankles and extremely form-fitting.

Since becoming sick and having to take anti-psychotic medication on a daily basis, Carly had worried about putting on too much weight. Immense weight gain being an unfortunate side effect of these medicines. Carly worked very hard to keep her weight down; she currently weighed perhaps 20 pounds more than her normal pre-illness weight. She was by no means overweight, if anything she had always thought she was a little too skinny before, but now she had a fuller figure. Nobody could accuse her of being a twig any longer.

Carly had decided to wear a dress specifically chosen to show off her new curves. She hoped it would appeal to Freddie; he had always said he liked her "twigginess", but didn't most boys prefer a curvier figure on a girl? The dress itself was a tan color that, along with her makeup, was designed to compliment her eyes. It was, as mentioned, form fitting and left nothing to the imagination, certainly not Freddie's. Carly's hair was down and cascaded over her shoulders and her only jewelry was a necklace that used to belong to her mother. The combination of the hair, necklace and special makeup applied at the spa effectively concealed the scar on Carly's neck. Carly walked down the rest of the stairs with a confidence that Sam did not quite posses. Carly's heels were shorter than Sam's; Carly being taller than Sam, did not want to tower over Freddie and she had more experience walking in heels anyway.

Carly walked up to Freddie with a slight smile on her face. "Well, what do you think?" She asked striking a pose.

Freddie's eyes were big as saucers; at that moment there was nothing in the apartment but him and Carly. Hell, there was nothing more in the entire world for Freddie at that moment than Carly. Sam, Derek and Spencer actually chuckled at Freddie's reaction; with his mouth agape it looked a little like he was having a stroke.

Steven did not laugh but instead experienced that rite of passage all parents of daughters eventually experienced: the realization that one's little girl was no longer a little girl any longer but now a budding, fully grown woman. He might have said something if Carly were going to the dance with anyone other than Freddie, but he had full confidence that Freddie would act the proper gentleman, or at the very least act with the proper precautions. Still, these thoughts led to other things he did want to ponder and he felt pretty sure he would be drinking at least a few beers with Spencer once the kids were gone.

Sam tried to get Freddie's attention but it was to no avail. Freddie only came to once he felt Carly's lips on his own. "Freddie, I am going to assume you like my dress," she said quietly so only he would hear, "Did I mention how insanely hot you look?"

Freddie mumbled something that might have been in Chinese for all he knew. Derek cleared his throat, "I think it's time to go."

Sam chimed in, "Yeah, let's get this over with. I feel like I'm wearing dental floss under this dress and it keeps riding up."

Everybody in the room stifled a collective sigh. Derek said without missing a beat, "You know what I love most about you Sam? You're such a delicate flower."

Carly did not miss a beat herself and added, "Yep, a daffodil I believe."

Carly and Sam shared a laugh nobody else in the room quite understood. The laughing was infectious, however, and soon everybody was joining in. The two couples; well the one couple and Derek and Sam, said their goodbyes and left out the front door. Spencer looked at his father; they were obviously on the same wavelength, "Dad, can I get you a beer?"

"Make it two Spence, this could be a long night."

* * *

Freddie and Carly entered the school gymnasium hand-in-hand while Derek and Sam followed close behind. Carly was a little nervous, but felt much better than she had expected. Freddie squeezed her hand as they walked through the doors and whispered to her some encouraging words. Once inside they were immediately assaulted by both the presence of loud music and a shirtless Gibby dancing with Tasha and any other female in his general vicinity.

As the quartet stopped to get their bearings, a hushed murmur swept through the people gathered in their corner of the gym. People were not shocked to see Carly dressed up, even if she was dressed far sexier than she ever had before; but Sam was causing jaws to drop everywhere, both male and female. Her tomboy personality was so much of what defined her as a person that seeing her dressed in so opposite a fashion was shocking. Sam was keenly aware that people were staring at her and did not like it, but she resisted the urge to rush back out of the gym. She knew how Carly was uncomfortable with large crowds and if Carly could face down her fears then so could Sam Puckett.

Wendy saw them from her vantage point on the opposite side of the gym and waved them over. The four of them gingerly picked their way across the dance floor looking very much like a pack of prey animals on the lookout for dangerous predators. Eventually they reached Wendy and her group; Wendy immediately gushed over Carly and Sam's outfits. She couldn't say enough good things about Sam's hair and makeup either; thankfully Wendy was tactful enough not to mention anything about Sam not looking like a tomboy.

Wendy asked if Derek and Sam were at the dance "together." Sam quickly said no; Wendy took the opportunity to pull Derek aside. "Do you know Mary Baker?" When Derek replied in the negative Wendy grabbed him by the arm and dragged him over to Mary. "She has been dying to meet you and would love to dance. Mary, Derek. Derek, Mary." Derek was too polite to say no outright or even politely decline and in no time found himself dancing with Mary.

Freddie suddenly found himself the only boy amongst a group of a half dozen girls. Feeling a little bit out of place he offered to get Carly and Sam some punch and made his way over to the refreshment table. Once he was out of earshot Wendy spoke, "Carly, that dress looks so hot on you. You are just going to kill Freddie."

Sam interjected, "She almost did. When Freddie first saw her coming down the stairs he almost had a stroke."

The girls laughed; Carly denied Freddie having a near stroke, "It wasn't that bad. The blood just rushed to his head a little quickly."

Sam couldn't let that comment pass, "I think we all know which head the blood rushed to and it wasn't the one on his shoulders."

All the girls had a hearty laugh at Sam's joke. They generally agreed that Freddie had matured quite nicely since the 8th grade. One of Wendy's friends noticed a couple of the football players checking Carly out; she jokingly asked if she could have a shot at Freddie if things didn't work out with him.

"Forget about it," Carly replied laughing, "Freddie's all mine and there is no way I'm giving him up."

It was about then that Freddie returned with the punch for Carly and Sam. "Ok, ladies, so what are we talking about?"

Carly quickly replied in an offhand voice, "Just how incredibly hot you are."

Freddie almost had another stroke right there. The girls laughed at his discomfort because essentially that is what they were talking about. Wendy added to Carly's comment, "You know Freddie there are a lot of girls at this school who would be happy to step in if you and Carly ever broke up."

Freddie's face turned beet red, much to the amusement of everyone else present. Carly followed Wendy's comment, "Don't get any ideas. I am not sharing my man with anyone." She handed Wendy her cup and wrapped her arms around Freddie's neck, kissing him deeply.

After Carly pulled away Freddie asked, "Wow, what was that for?"

Carly answered a little seductively, "I'm just marking my territory." She smiled and looked around their group, "I don't know if I can trust all these girls around you." Everyone had a good laugh. Carly took Freddie by the hand, "Please dance with me Freddie?"

Freddie was in no position to deny Carly anything and they quickly joined the other couples on the dance floor.

* * *

A couple hours later Sam was sitting by herself at the edge of the gym watching everyone else enjoying themselves. She had surprisingly found herself having a good time with Wendy and her friends for a while, but eventually they all paired up with guys and went off on their own to either dance or do god knows what. Speaking of god knows what; Sam noticed that Freddie and Carly had finally come back to the gym. They had disappeared for close to an hour earlier. Wendy had remarked on their extended absence to Sam; she wondered if maybe Freddie had finally "closed the deal" with Carly. Sam told Wendy that she was skeptical if only because getting Carly into that dress in the first place was a huge undertaking. Still, Carly's hair was a little messier than it was when they first arrived.

Sam sighed and found Derek dancing in the crowd. He had managed to escape the clutches of Mary Baker after an hour only to fall into the clutches of Sandy Slater. Sandy was on the cheerleading squad and one of the hotter girls at Ridgeway. She was one of those mean girls who always seemed to travel in a pack with other hot, mean girls. Naturally Sam hated her with a passion.

Despite all of the people around and the activity buzzing, Sam was feeling lonely. In the back of her mind she supposed that she had tried dressing like she did hoping to meet someone at the dance. Unfortunately, her reputation still preceded her. The geeks and nerds at the school (the "Nub Squad" as Sam dubbed them) were too intimidated by her aggressiveness to try and speak with her. Most of the jocks and other guys at the dance were confused by her different appearance and unsure how to act around her.

Sam did not know it, but while she was watching the crowd, Derek was watching her as best he could. He had tried in vain to speak with her most of the night but seemed to always be stuck dancing with one girl or another. The few times he was able to politely separate himself he wasn't able to find Sam. To Derek, Sam looked sad despite being around so many people having a good time. In fact the presence of so many happy people made Sam stand out all the more.

Sandy caught Derek staring off to the side of the gym and guessed that Sam was the object of his attention. "Don't bother with Sam Puckett; she's nothing but a low-class bitch not worthy of you."

Derek was shocked at Sandy's words. He always tried to be polite and courteous at all times, but no longer felt the need with Sandy. He wanted to tell Sandy that despite Sam's rough exterior and intermittent poor manners she was a loyal friend who would help in any way she could. He wanted to tell Sandy that when Sam's best friend developed a mental illness and in the midst of a psychotic episode nearly killed her second best friend she spent every day they were in the hospital with them instead of enjoying her summer vacation. He wanted to tell Sandy how if someone bullied one of her friends she would always be there to defend them.

Derek really wanted to tell her all of these things but ultimately decided it wasn't worth the breath. He simply leaned in closer to Sandy and said, "Do you think insulting my friends is going to impress me? Sam Puckett is worth 20 of you." Derek left Sandy with a stunned look on her face and quickly walked over to where Sam was sitting. She did not say anything as Derek sat down in the empty seat next to hers.

"Having a good time Sam?" The question was really rhetorical; Sam did not look like she was having much fun.

"What do you think?" Sam kept her gaze on the dance floor where Freddie and Carly were dancing close enough to the point you couldn't any space between them.

"I think the last dance is coming up and you really want don't want to sit that one out." Derek too kept his gaze on the dance floor instead of looking at Sam.

"I think you're wrong. I just want to get out of here."

Derek looked directly at Sam now. "I believe that you promised to dance one dance. Have you danced with anyone tonight?"

Sam thought about lying but decided to be honest. "No."

"Well you and I are going to dance the last dance."

Sam snorted, "Didn't you promise the last dance to Mary or Sandy or one of the other…ones you've been dancing with?" Sam did her best not to sound jealous.

"It's more like they were dancing with me. I was hoping to maybe dance with someone else though."

"Well don't get your hopes up or anything."

"You know Sam, I know certain things about you. I would hate to resort to blackmail."

Sam finally turned and faced Derek. "You don't know anything."

Derek smirked, "Don't I?"

"Prove it then."

Derek leaned in very close to Sam's right ear and quietly whispered, "I know you are incredibly ticklish and if you don't willingly dance with me I will tickle you in front of all these people until you give in."

Sam's eyes widened. Carly was the only person in the entire world who knew that. "You wouldn't dare."

"I so would dare, Sam Puckett."

"Carly Shay is so dead, illness or no illness."

The final song began to play, a slow tempo one. Derek stood up and gallantly held out his hand to Sam. "Let's go, don't make me resort to looking for your ticklish spots."

Sam was beat and a little tired of being alone. She stood up and took Derek's hand. "Keep your hands above the equator, buddy."

Derek and Sam took up position on the dance floor, keeping a respectful distance. Derek, as promised, kept his hands "above the equator". "You know Sam, you dance really well. I'm not surprised you won that pageant."

"Carly told you about that too?"

"Uh-huh, she said your dance routine was amazing. How long have you been dancing?"

"My mother made me take lessons as a girl. You know you dance pretty well yourself."

"My mother made me take ballroom dancing. She thought it would help me fit in at the country club. Why did your mother…"

"Because she's evil."

After that nothing was spoken for a while. They simply danced and enjoyed each other's presence. Meanwhile Carly and Freddie kept dancing close enough so that you might have thought they were one person. Carly rested her head on Freddie's shoulder as he held her as closely as possible. They were deeply in love and it was obvious to all.

Sam gradually moved closer to Derek so that her head was resting against his shoulder as well. He was hesitant at first, but eventually he moved his hands down to the small of her back and held her a little tighter. Sam did not protest and she actually sighed contentedly without realizing it. As the last song of the evening ended Derek leaned close to Sam's ear again and whispered, "You don't have to be alone any more."

* * *

**Author's Note. Two chapters in two days? I promised I would try and update more often, but don't expect a new chapter every day. This chapter had been on my mind for a while and I found once I finished the last one I couldn't wait to write this. Please let me know what you think of this latest development. Some people thought Sam and Derek would be good together; now I guess we'll find out together. Again, thank you for reading this story and I appreciate any and all comments left in the reviews.**


	21. The Aftermath: Derek and Sam

**Author's Note. Okay, another chapter. Since this story will skip ahead in time, sometimes large stretches of time, I thought it would be important to see the very beginning of Derek and Sam's relationship. I did not want you to have to read a chapter and have them be in the middle of dating without any context whatsoever. Just be warned, the following chapter will be very mushy and hopefully I have been able to do it some justice. Thank you to everyone following this story and taking the time to leave reviews. I appreciate any and all feedback provided. Enjoy.**

* * *

The drive home from the homecoming dance was quiet. Derek was driving while Sam sat in the front passenger seat, wearing Derek's jacket to help keep her warm. Derek concentrated on his driving while Sam was in deep concentration thinking about Derek. Carly and Freddie were only thinking about each other; ever since entering Derek's car they had remained glued together at the mouth, their hands roaming each other with abandon.

Sam kept thinking about what Derek had said at the end of the dance, "You don't have to be alone anymore." It had been everything Sam could do to not cry when he had told her those words. Sam hated being alone and one of her biggest fears was that she would wind up alone like her mother; seeking comfort from any man who would give it, even if only for an evening. After Melanie had left for boarding school Sam had begun spending more and more time at the Shay's. With a mother who was inattentive on her best days and mildly abusive on her worst, Sam craved positive attention. Both Carly and Spencer had provided that attention, but it had been lost since Carly's illness. Without it Sam found herself floundering emotionally.

Since breaking up with Freddie, Sam had become prone to bouts of depression which had been growing deeper. What made her depression worse in her eyes was that nobody seemed to notice. This wasn't surprising to her; she knew her mother wouldn't care and the Shays, along with Freddie, were too busy caring for Carly's own mental illness. Without her closest friends and family Sam had never felt so isolated and she was too ashamed to seek help on her own. Sam had felt a little better since her talk with Carly earlier that week, but she did not know if it would help lift her out of the depths of her negative feelings.

Sam felt sure now that Derek had been the only person who had sensed how down she had been feeling and was the only person willing to try and reach her. The dance, she now realized, had given him the opportunity he needed to connect with her on an emotional level that she would not have allowed normally. A few tears escaped her eyes as she thought about what he had told her, "You don't have to be alone anymore." Some guys might have meant that as a cheap pickup line; Sam knew that was not the case with Derek at all, but she also knew that Derek could not know how much of an impact those seven words had on her. To Sam Puckett those words spoke to what troubled her very soul the most.

She was dabbing her eyes with a tissue when Derek pulled up in front of Bushwell Plaza. Derek had to clear his throat twice to get Freddie and Carly to stop their amorous activities so he could announce they were home. "Ok lovebirds end of the line. I don't have to shampoo back there, do I?"

Both Carly and Freddie laughed and assured him he would not. Freddie then suggested they go up to his apartment since his mother had gone back to work and was working second shift that night. As they got out of the car Freddie asked, "What about you Sam? Will you get home ok?"

Sam looked at Freddie and Carly, then back to Derek, "Don't worry, I'll be fine."

Neither Freddie nor Carly needed any more encouragement and scurried into Bushwell Plaza as fast as they could manage. That left Sam alone with Derek in his car. Before Derek could put the car in gear and pull away, Sam spoke up, "Wait a sec. I need to ask you something important."

Derek felt a little nervous, but kept his voice calm. "Sure, anything."

"I really mean it Derek. I need an honest answer, no BS."

"I promise Sam, no BS whatsoever."

Sam hesitated and exhaled, she felt as if she was about to cross the Rubicon, a point of no return. "What you told me at the dance, what you whispered into my ear as the song ended…did you mean it? Did you truly mean what you said?"

Derek now knew he had struck a nerve with Sam, her tone of voice was almost pleading. He had of course meant it but he could now see that what he said had touched a particular chord with her. Derek shifted in the driver's seat to face Sam while she did the same to face him. He took her smaller hands in both of his and brought them up to his lips. He gently kissed her hands and with all the sincerity he could put into his voice answered her, "Sam, I meant every single word I said."

Sam started to cry softly; for a second Derek thought his attempt at being sincere and romantic had backfired in spectacular fashion. Sam shook her head at his question, "It's ok, I'm not upset, I'm just….overcome. Can we go talk somewhere alone?"

Derek nodded his assent and quickly put his car in gear and pulled away from Bushwell Plaza. Sam had no idea where Derek was taking them, but put her faith in him and did not ask as to their destination. Eventually they came to a gated community; Derek slowed as the car approached the front gate. The gate opened on its own as the vehicle approached and Derek slowly pulled through. Just inside Derek pulled over to the side and got out of the vehicle, instructing Sam to stay put. He walked over to the security guard and Sam could see him give Derek a warm and friendly smile. The guard entered his small post and returned after a minute and handed something to Derek. Sam couldn't tell for sure from her vantage point what he handed Derek, but it looked like it might have been a key.

Derek got back into the car, "We're in luck. Just one more quick stop and we'll be there soon."

Sam examined the houses of this neighborhood as Derek pulled away. They were all large and seemed quite luxurious to her; she knew Derek's family had some money but did not realize it was quite that much. Derek had made offhand remarks about the country club to which his family belonged, but never went into any details. Now that she thought about it, it occurred to her that Derek never talked about his family much and they never gathered at his house. They tended to always get together at the Shay's loft or the Groovy Smoothie.

Derek eventually pulled into a large circular driveway in front of a large house. Derek's Camry seemed oddly out of place next to the Mercedes sedan parked outside. "Ok, I'll just be a sec. I promise." Derek quickly ran into the house, leaving the car running so Sam would not get cold. Sam waited in the car and thought about what she was doing. It was obvious to her Derek's family moved in far higher social circles than her own. Puckett's were never seen in a gated community such as this, or at any sort of country club. She wondered if she was making a big mistake and thought about asking him to take her home when he came hurrying out of his house, or at least she assumed this was his house. He was smiling and when Sam saw his smile any desire to go home evaporated.

He carried a blanket and a cooler under one arm which he deposited into the back seat. He quickly got into the driver's seat and smiled at Sam. "Ready?

"Sure, where are we going?"

"Someplace we can talk. Someplace quiet…and romantic."

It was dark in the car but Derek could see Sam's cheeks begin to blush. He smiled inwardly and pulled out of his driveway. A few minutes, and a few turns, later they parked outside of what appeared to be a clubhouse of sorts. It was set some distance from any of the houses in the community and appeared to be deserted. "This is a nine-hole golf course," he answered Sam's unasked question. "Don't worry, the guard gave me the key and turned off the alarm. We will have plenty of privacy."

Derek grabbed the blanket and cooler from the back seat and hurried around to the other side and, like a proper gentleman, helped Sam out of the car. Sam was still not entirely used to getting around in the clothes and shoes she was wearing and was actually thankful for his help. Once safely out of the car and on her feet, Derek led Sam by the hand up the walkway to the front door of the building. He set the cooler and blanket down and fiddled with the keys the security guard had given him until the door was unlocked. Sam held the door open as Derek scooped up his belongings and they made their way inside. Derek knew where he was going and again took Sam by the hand. They walked down a short hallway and up a flight of steps.

At the top of the steps they found themselves in a large dining room with a bar at one end and on the opposite a glass wall. Derek led them through a door in the glass wall and out onto a sundeck. "Are you too cold? We can go back inside?"

Sam shook her head, "No, this is fine."

Derek pushed a pair of reclining deck chairs together and helped Sam down into one of them. He took the other and offered Sam something to drink from the cooler.

"Root beer?" Sam was pleasantly surprised.

"Isn't it your favorite?"

Sam smiled, "You know me too well."

"I'd like to Sam."

Nothing was said for a bit. Derek and Sam sipped their root beer quietly and stared up at the stars which were clear and full of unlimited potential on this night. Derek was willing to wait Sam out; he did not want her to be uncomfortable. His patience was rewarded when Sam finally said, "You really meant it didn't you?"  
Sam did not specify what "it" exactly was, but Derek knew anyway. He took Sam's right hand in his left one, "Yes, I really meant every word. I don't ever want you to be lonely again."

Sam wasn't sure how to react. She was hopeful yet scared all at once. This felt different than with anybody else she had ever dated, including Freddie, even though that probably shouldn't count. Sam squeezed Derek's hand a little harder, "You really want to go out with me?"

"Yeah Sam, I really do. It took me a little while to figure that out, but yes, I want to be with you."

Sam's heart was threatening to burst out of her chest. "Why me?"

Derek's answer was quick and direct, "Why not you?"

"Should I make you a list? I'm rude, aggressive and have poor table manners. Now why would you want to be with me?"

Derek grinned as he looked up at the stars, "because you're rude, aggressive and have poor table manners."

They both laughed at his retort. "You know I don't have a great track record dating guys. Jonah made a move on Carly, Shane got sick of me and Carly fighting over him and Pete…." Sam began to cry a little bit.

Derek sat up on his chair facing Sam, concern in his voice, "What is it Sam? What about Pete?"

Sam fought back more tears. "I changed myself so much to be with Pete. We went out twice and then a cheerleader flirted with him once and he dumped me without a second thought. I haven't dated or opened up at all to anyone since then except for Freddie briefly this summer. You know how that worked out."

"I'm sorry Pete was such a jerk Sam. You know what, though, I'm not Pete."

"I know you're not, you're a million times better than Pete, but I'm still me. I'm still Sam."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"I know that I project a certain image that I never show any weakness and I'm always so strong and confident. The truth is I'm just compensating because…I'm not so strong and confident. I don't have any reason to be confident."

"Sam, sit up for me, please." Sam hesitated until Derek held out his hand; she took it and he helped her sit up while she swung her legs over the side of the chair. Derek scooted over and sat next to her. He took Sam into an embrace and whispered into her ear, "Don't ever talk about yourself like that. You are so special I can't even put it into words; you have every reason to be confident in yourself. Please don't beat yourself up."

Sam nodded her head and her crying stopped. "I'm sorry, it's just I haven't been feeling too good about myself lately."

"I know Sam, but I want to help you. If you'll let me I'd like to continue taking care of you."

"Continue?"

"Well, I've been bringing you lunch every day for the past month or so."

"Ha, I knew it. I thought you were too smart to be leaving food unattended around me. But why?"

"Because I like seeing you happy. Trust me, it was worth it just to see you smile."

"You really do like me, don't you?"

"Yes, I do."

"How long? I mean how long have you been feeling like this?"

"At least a month or so. Remember the scary movie night we had at Carly's?" Sam nodded. "I wanted to talk to you after everyone had left, I thought you were depressed and I wanted to see if I could help. Well, you fell asleep on their couch before I could talk to you. I….forget about it, you'll find it creepy."

"What? Now you gotta tell me, I promise I won't be creeped out."

Derek paused; Sam was amused at the fact that he was starting to blush. "I put the dishes away after everyone had left. I wanted to talk to you but you had already fallen asleep on the couch. Well, you were lying on your side with your head on top of your hands and you looked…well to me you looked like an angel. You looked so innocent and beautiful, it was like you were an angel sent from heaven. I think maybe I just stared at you for about five minutes. It's possible maybe I fell in love with you a little right there. It was all I could do to keep from taking you into my arms and trying to protect you from the world. I know, it sounds really corny, I'm sorry."

Sam grinned, "It does sound a little corny, but you know what, it also sounds sweet. Trust me, nobody has ever compared me to an angel before. Thank you." Sam leaned in and kissed Derek chastely on the lips. Even though the kiss was brief it sent jolts of electricity through her body.

Derek smiled, he gently stroked Sam's left cheek, "Sam I want to be with you so bad. I have to ask, I have to make sure; do you want to be with me?"

Sam looked Derek directly in his green eyes and without any hesitation answered, "Yes. Oh god yes. I don't know when, I'm pretty good at denying my feelings, but seeing you dance with those other girls tonight really got to me. I know I'm not good at showing my feelings, but trust me, they're there."

"I know Sam. You're like a crab with a tough outer shell, but soft and gooey on the inside." Derek smiled; it was the best metaphor he could come up with off the top of his head.

"A crab? A CRAB? That's the best you could do? You're lucky you're really hot Derek." Sam leaned in again and this time kissed Derek much more passionately than the first time. Derek returned her kiss and they found themselves deeply tongue kissing. Sam threw her arms around Derek's neck; he wrapped his hands around the small of her back and pulled Sam on top of him in the adjacent lounge chairs. As their respective mouths and tongues fought for position, Derek's hands wandered over Sam's body. As she came up for a breath Sam whispered that Derek could wander "below the equator" if he wanted. As their make out session continued, Derek did just that.

An indeterminate amount of time later Sam was laying on top of Derek in the chair with her head resting on his chest. Suddenly she found herself hungry. "You know Derek, I'm kind of hungry."

Derek stroked Sam's hair. "Good thing I planned ahead. Let me get the cooler."

Sam stood up and let Derek reach the cooler. He opened it to reveal a small picnic. Cubed cheese, salami, even a fancy imported Italian ham. Sam was impressed. "Wow, you really are excellent boyfriend material."

"Come on, I'm really going to try and romance Sam Puckett and not bring food with me?"

Sam spread the blanket out on the floor and lied down on her side, her head propped up on her hand. "You're a smart man Derek Chambers."

Derek joined her on the blanket and fed Sam a piece of ham. Sam accepted the piece of food and kissed Derek's finger, suggestively licking her lips. She took a piece of cheese and held it between her lips; she then kissed Derek feeding him the cheese at the same time. They enjoyed their first informal date together, feeding each other pieces of food and trying to come up with cute nicknames for each other. Sam didn't come up with a good one for Derek, but he decided that he would call her "Pork Chop". If anybody else in the world had decided to call her that she would have beaten them senseless. Coming from Derek, however, it actually sounded adorable and made her feel good about herself. Making up with Carly earlier in the week was a good start, but being with Derek truly made her feel good about her life for the first time in several months.

* * *

Sam was lying in bed trying to go to sleep, but having no success. After their picnic Derek had driven Sam home and walked her to her front door, ever the gentleman. After kissing her goodnight she had watched him drive off, an aching feeling in her heart. Even though they were going to go on a real first date Sunday night, she found she couldn't wait and longed for his presence.

That had been two hours prior and it was now a little after 1:00a.m. She had been tossing and turning ever since she had crawled into bed, unable to sleep. As she was fidgeting on the bed Sam spied Derek's jacket; he had let Sam wear it on the way home and had forgotten about it when he left. Sam had a thought; she got up and retrieved the jacket, then lied back down in the bed and cuddled with it. It still had his scent and even his presence, Sam thought. She sighed, reveling in this little reminder of him.

Sam noticed her cell phone charging on her nightstand. She picked up the phone and quickly texted Derek: _I luv U, can't wait for tomorrow_. Derek must not have been sleeping either, she thought, since he replied to her text almost immediately. _I luv U 2. Can't wait either._

Sam smiled and lied back down in her bed on her side, cuddling Derek's jacket close. She quickly fell into a deep sleep, the most peaceful sleep she had experienced in several months.


	22. Let Us Give Thanks

It was late Thanksgiving morning; Sam and Melanie were covering the pies they had baked the night before to bring over to the Shays and Bensons for dinner. Their mother had left the previous night; she was spending Thanksgiving and the rest of the weekend with her latest boyfriend out of town. Melanie had gotten into Seattle late the previous afternoon; she had been able to visit with her mother for a couple hours while she finished packing for her trip. She was a little disappointed but still glad to be able to spend quality time with Sam.

They were spending the Thanksgiving holiday with Derek, The Shays and the Bensons. Dinner was actually being eaten at the Bensons since they had a large enough dinner table to accommodate everyone, but both the Benson and Shay kitchens were being utilized. Sam had offered to bring dessert; with Melanie's help she had baked a pumpkin pie and an apple pie. In addition Melanie had made a tray of banana pudding that Sam had been tempted to eat all by herself. They were expecting Derek to pick them up at any minute.

With the pudding set out on the counter and the pies properly protected, Melanie and Sam walked into the living room to wait for Derek. Melanie was excited, Sam had spent a lot of time talking to her about Derek over the past month and she was anxious to meet him. Melanie spoke as they took their respective seats on the living room couch, "So you still haven't told anyone you and Derek are officially a couple?"

Sam furrowed her brow; this was a bone of contention between her and Derek. He had wanted to go public right away, but Sam had stopped him. She remembered how hurt she had been when Pete dumped her. Even though she had maintained her usual stoic demeanor, she had been devastated and had spent weeks crying on Carly's proverbial shoulder. Not even Freddie or Spencer knew how upset she had been. It had made her hesitant to open her heart up to anyone again. Freddie this past summer had been the first person she had opened up to in that way. Given how things turned out she doubted she ever would open up that way again. Derek had managed to pierce her tough outer shell (just like crab after all she thought smiling to herself) and she did not regret any part of the past month they had been dating. She supposed she was just concerned Derek would dump her like Pete after a couple of dates.

Sam looked hard at Melanie, "No, we haven't told anyone outside of you and Mom, and his parents of course." Derek and Sam had not argued about anything in the time they had been dating; but they had disagreed about going public. When Derek realized that Sam had to wait until she was ready he simply kissed her on the lips and told her he would be ready whenever she was, and there was no pressure on her.

"Sam, how long can you keep this from everyone? Don't you want to share this with your friends?"

"Well yes, of course, but it's not that easy." Sam looked out the window for Derek as she answered Melanie.

"Why not? You love him don't you?"

Sam whipped her head towards Melanie. "More than I've ever loved anyone. It's not that at all."

Melanie could tell Sam was sincere, she had never seen her look that serious before. "He loves you, right?"

"I think so. I mean he tells me he loves me all the time. Plus he takes care of me, he's always asking how I am, He wants to spend all of his time with me, he lets me open up to him completely and never judges me….yeah, I think he loves me."

Melanie couldn't help but smile at her twin. Sam's eyes had gone a little glassy and she appeared to be off somewhere far away as she went on about Derek. Melanie did not need any more proof of the depth of Sam's feelings. "Sis, look at me," Melanie took Sam's hand; "I can tell you are so in love with Derek that you are not going to be able to hide it much longer. You're going to have to go public anyway, why not today?"

"I don't know…wait, you don't think I can keep it up?"

Melanie actually laughed. "Sam, I just saw the look on your face. What were you thinking of when you were talking just a second ago?"

Sam blushed and hesitated, Melanie was her sister and her identical twin no less, there was no point in not being totally honest with her. "I was thinking of Derek with his shirt off. Sorry, he really gets me going."

Melanie and Sam started laughing together, "I think that proves my point. Sam, I know you're uncomfortable showing your emotions, but if you love him that much, and he loves you that much, then you should be honest with your friends. I think they'll be happy for you."

"You sure Mel? Carly and Derek dated this past spring and me and Freddie broke up only three months ago."

"Three months is a long time Sam. Besides, if you and Derek are really that happy with each other I don't think Freddie or Carly would begrudge you anything."

Sam didn't get a chance to answer as Derek pulled into the driveway. They both stood up from the couch and Sam opened the door for Derek. He pecked Sam on the lips and they quickly embraced. Sam whispered into Derek's ear, "I missed you last night."

Derek held her a little tighter, "I missed you too pork chop." Sam smiled at his pet name for her and was about to introduce Melanie when Derek looked over to her and spoke first. "Oh my god there are two of you."

Melanie laughed softly and gave Derek a wide smile as she quickly crossed the space between them, holding out her hand. "Why do people always say that?"

Derek took her hand, "Sorry about that, it just came out. I'm Derek."

"I'm Melanie; it's nice to finally meet. Sam has told me a lot about you."

"I'm glad she's told someone about me," Derek gave Sam a little smirk, "I was beginning to think she was ashamed of me."

"No way, mister." Sam sidled up to Derek so they were side by side, "We are going to tell our best friends today."

Derek was pleasantly surprised; he was growing tired of their subterfuge and wanted everyone in the world to know that he loved Sam. "Really? Are you sure?"

Sam looked at Melanie and then back up at Derek, "Yes, I am, totally sure. Now come on, help us with the desserts. We have to get over to Bushwell and announce ourselves as an official couple.

* * *

While Sam and Melanie were starting their morning at home, Freddie and Carly were in the kitchen of the Shay's apartment. Carly was standing at the sink washing vegetables for a salad she was making when Freddie came up behind her. He pressed his body close to hers and wrapped his arms tightly around her waist from behind. "Have I told you yet today how much I love you?" Freddie started to nibble on the right side of her neck.

"As a matter of fact you have." Carly tried to concentrate on what she was doing but found it impossible. Freddie was nibbling a sensitive spot that never failed to get her aroused. Freddie, of course, knew exactly what he was doing.

He whispered into Carly's right ear, "Ok, then have I told you yet how insanely hot you are?" He started to kiss and suckle her earlobe.

"Hmmm, I don't think so. A girl always likes to hear that you know." Carly could not resist having her earlobe kissed or suckled and she found herself moaning softly.

Freddie responded by sliding his hands underneath her skirt and up her bare hips. He had difficulty keeping his breathing steady, "I'm sorry, I should be telling you that more often."

"Freddie, not here. My father or Spencer could come in any moment." Despite her words, the fact that Carly ground herself closer to Freddie's pelvic region told him she didn't really mean it.

Freddie pressed his hips closer to Carly, "Your father's over at my place working on the turkey with my mother and Spencer's in his room."

The combination of the closeness of Freddie's body, his hands on her hips under her skirt and the attention paid to her earlobe were too much for Carly to resist. She turned around and wrapped her arms around Freddie's neck and kissed him as deeply and as hard as possible. "Why don't you go on up to my room and give me five minutes to finish this salad. Be ready for me."

Freddie didn't need to be told twice. Since the homecoming dance their physical relationship had ascended to a higher, certainly more pleasurable, plane. They had yet to "go all the way" but they had done everything but that. To put it in the baseball terms some people used, they had not yet slid into home but had definitely rounded third. He quickly made his way up to Carly's bedroom on the second floor and stretched out on her bed.

True to her word Carly entered her bedroom just under five minutes after Freddie. She closed the door behind her and made sure to lock it. She looked at Freddie seductively and without hesitation pulled her t-shirt over her head and shimmied out of her skirt. She gracefully slipped her socks off of her feet and stood before Freddie in just her bra and panties, her hands on her hips. "I thought I told you to be ready for me?"

Freddie had seen Carly naked a lot since the homecoming dance, but the sight of her this way still filled him with awe and took his breath away. "Uh…sorry… I didn't know you wanted me ready for this exactly." He regained his wits and began undressing as fast as he could.

"C'mon Freddie, you can't suck on my earlobe like that not expect me to get me going like this." Carly reached behind her back and unhooked her bra, exposing her breasts. She gave Freddie a good long look and then joined him in bed.

45 minutes later Carly and Freddie lay snuggled together in bed, Carly's head resting on Freddie's chest. His right hand stroked her hair while her left hand traced circles on his stomach. No words were spoken, none really were needed; they loved each other more than anything in the world and could spend hours quietly lying together like this, able to communicate a multitude of things without actually speaking them aloud.

True they had not "gone all the way" but it was understood between them that they were not quite yet ready for that step in her relationship. Freddie thought that they could be ready, but in no way wanted to put any pressure on Carly. He wanted Carly to figure out on her own how far she wanted to go. Since the homecoming dance she had become far more confident in her sexuality, and he was happy she wanted to express herself that way with him. Of course it made him happy that she was more than willing to let him reciprocate those feelings. One thing was for sure, Freddie knew that when they were ready to take that next step he was going to do everything in his power to make their first time as special as it could possibly be.

Eventually Carly broke the silence between them. "We should get dressed and head downstairs. Sam and Melanie and Derek will be here any minute."

"Aww, do we have to? I like this."

"I like it too, but we have responsibilities. We can't spend the whole day up here pleasuring each other." Carly started to plant little baby kisses on Freddie's chest.

"Ok, but that is not the thing to do if you want me to get out of this bed."

Carly sighed and got up from the bed, "I guess we'll just have to continue this later." She held out her hand to Freddie. Freddie took her hand and stood up next to her.

He took her into his arms and they started kissing passionately again when they heard people entering downstairs. Sam, Derek and Melanie had arrived. They quickly threw their clothes on, being careful to smooth them out so as not to appear too ruffled, and went downstairs to join their best friends and celebrate all they had for which to give thanks.

* * *

Freddie and Carly were curled up together on the couch watching football on television with Melanie; the Lions were losing once again. The chair in the room had been moved to face the TV and Spencer currently occupied it. Mrs. Benson and Steven Shay were sitting at the kitchen table discussing those things that parents of two teenagers deeply in love tended to talk about. Derek and Sam were standing by the freight elevator quietly talking. Nobody was paying them much attention, but that was about to change. They had decided it was the right time to share their news with everyone.

"Are you sure?" Derek quietly asked. Sam did not say anything; she just nodded her head, unable to keep a smile from spreading across her face. When Sam smiled like that Derek believe that there was nothing as beautiful in all of creation. He kissed her on the forehead, "Let's do it then."

Derek and Sam walked hand in hand over to the living room area in front of the television. Sam turned the television off behind them and asked Freddie's mother and Carly and Spencer's father to come over to the living room. Freddie picked up right away on the fact that Derek was holding Sam's left hand in his right one and could not keep himself from smiling. Spencer noticed after a few moments; Carly did not notice at all and gave no indication she had any idea what they were about to say. Melanie, of course, had been expecting this since they had arrived.

Derek and Sam looked at each other, "Do you want to start?" Derek asked Sam.

"No, you can." Sam replied.

"Are you sure?

"Maybe, I guess, well yes."

"One of us better say something, everybody's staring at us."

"Good point Derek, let's do this."

They turned back to everyone looking at them. They all pretty much knew what was going on, except for Carly. Derek finally said what he had been dying to say since the homecoming dance. "Me and Sam have been dating since the homecoming dance. I …." Derek turned and looked into Sam's blue eyes, "Love her so much." He kissed Sam on the lips, a kiss Sam returned in full. Even though nobody watching was surprised Derek and Sam were dating, they were a little surprised seeing them kiss. Sam usually eschewed most public displays of affection.

Sam turned back to everyone, "I love him too. I'm sorry we didn't say anything before, Derek really wanted to, but I was too nervous." Everyone with the exception of Carly was smiling now, thankfully including Freddie, Sam noticed. She also took in the fact that Carly did not appear to have any emotion on her face at all.

Everyone stood up and offered hearty congratulations with the exception of Carly. While Sam and Derek were being congratulated Carly quietly slipped away and quickly went upstairs. Once Mrs. Benson and Steven went back over to the Benson apartment to check on the turkey and Spencer and Melanie went back to watching television, Sam pointed out to Freddie and Derek that Carly had slipped away and might be upset. She excused herself and went upstairs to find Carly.

Sam found Carly sitting on her bed staring off into the distance; Carly did not notice her standing in the doorway until Sam lightly knocked on the doorframe. "Carls, you ok?"

Carly finally looked at Sam; she didn't say anything or motion in any way. Sam wasn't sure what to do; finally she built up the courage to ask Carly if she could sit down. Carly nodded her head and motioned for Sam to sit on the bed with her. When Sam was settled Carly finally spoke, "You have to date my ex-boyfriend?"

"Look Carly, I'm sorry we didn't tell you before, I guess we should have, but it's not like I need your permission to date someone." Sam managed to keep her voice even and did not show any annoyance. She did not want to upset Carly in any way.

"I know you don't need my permission, but couldn't you have talked to me first? Isn't there a code or something?" Carly's voice started to sound more earnest.

"Maybe Carly, I don't know. Things happened sort of quickly; I had been depressed and Derek was concerned about me. We danced at homecoming and after dropping you and Freddie off here we talked and…."

Carly was shocked. "You did….IT?"

Sam was surprised, "What? No, we just talked and made out, but we really connected on multiple levels. This past month we've been pretty inseparable when not around people from school."

"Do you love Derek?"

Sam hesitated trying to put as much emphasis as she could on her response. "Yes, Carly, I love him very much."

Carly's face was inscrutable; Sam would have given anything to know what Carly was thinking right at that moment. "Are you going to take Freddie from me next?"

That was not anything Sam was expecting to hear. Now Carly's response was making a little more sense. Somehow Carly thought that Derek had broken up with her to be with Sam. Ironically she thought Sam was going to try and do the same thing with Freddie. Suddenly Sam felt like she was tip-toeing through a minefield.

"Carls, listen to me, I did NOT take Derek from you. You and Derek had broken up months before we started dating." Sam spoke slowly and clearly hoping this would help the message sink a little deeper into Carly's brain.

"Freddie's next, isn't he? Please don't…please don't take Freddie from me." Carly started to cry a little bit.

Sam took Carly's hands in her own. "I can't take Freddie from you and I would not want to do that. He loves you more than anything in the world and you make each other so happy."

Carly stopped crying and nodded at Sam's words. Her emotional state seemed to change direction on a dime; all of the sudden she started to smile. "You promise?"

"Carls, do you know how you and Freddie feel about each other?" When Carly nodded again Sam continued, "That's how me and Derek feel about each other. Nobody wants to take Freddie from you."

"I'm sorry Sam, I guess I'm being kind of a bitch."

"It's ok Carly, I should have told you this a long time ago."

Carly leaned forward on the bed and threw her arms around Sam, hugging her tightly. As Sam returned the hug Carly whispered, "I hope you and Derek are happy together. Can you forgive me?"

Sam did not hesitate, "Yes, of course, but you don't have to apologize." Sam's thoughts drifted as she and Carly continued to hug each other. Carly's sudden change of emotional states scared her a little bit. She considered finally telling Carly about her and Freddie the past summer, but thought better of it considering she had absolutely no clue as to how Carly would react. She seemed to feel better now and that was good enough for Sam.

* * *

The table was set for Thanksgiving dinner and everyone was seated. At either head of the table sat Mrs. Benson and Steven Shay. To the right of Mrs. Benson sat Melanie, then Derek and Sam. To Mrs. Benson's left Spencer, Freddie and Carly were seated in that order. Mrs. Benson cleared her throat, when she had everyone's attention she spoke, "It is customary for the Bensons at Thanksgiving before eating dinner to tell everyone seated at least one thing they are truly thankful for. Who would like to start this year?"

Steven spoke up, "I would Marissa, if it's ok. This has been a difficult year for many of us here now, but we still have much to be thankful for. We are all safe and healthy; some of us," he let his gaze linger on either side of the table, "are deeply in love. We all have that to be thankful for. On a personal note, I would like to say that I am truly thankful that I have been able to reconnect with my children," he smiled at both Carly and Spencer "and forge connections with new friends."

Once it was clear Steven was finished Freddie spoke up, "I would like to say that I am thankful for my family, my friends and most of all Carly. I am thankful we are together and will be forever." Freddie kissed Carly lightly on the lips.

Carly returned his kiss and spoke next, "Obviously I am thankful for this wonderful man here. I am also thankful to have my father here with us, I missed him so much." A stray tear actually escaped Steve's eye. "I am thankful for Spencer and my best friends," Carly looked pointedly at both Sam and Derek, "And most of all I am thankful to be alive."

It appeared the flow of the speeches was going counter-clockwise and so Spencer went next. "I am thankful for a lot. I am thankful Dad is back with us and I am really thankful both Carly and Freddie are alive and with us. There is more, but I'm not sure I can name everything before the food gets cold. I'll just let Mrs. Benson take over from here."

Everyone smiled and Mrs. Benson went next. "I am thankful as well that both Carly and Freddie are alive and healthy. I am thankful that Freddie and Carly are together and make each other so happy, love is a special thing and I am glad Sam and Derek are finding that out as well." Mrs. Benson smiled and nodded her head to indicate she was finished.

It was now Melanie's turn, she was a little nervous. "I know that I have been away most of the time this year, but I want to say that I am thankful for everyone here; I don't get to see you enough, but knowing that my family and friends are here gives me more strength away at boarding school than you can imagine. I am also thankful you have invited me into your homes to share this holiday with you." Melanie took a sip of her water.

Derek did not hesitate to speak, "I have much to be thankful for this year. I am thankful to have found such wonderful friends who have let me into their lives. I am thankful that Freddie and Carly are alive and able to share this holiday, and most of all I am thankful for Sam Puckett. I love her more than I love life itself and I am thankful for every second she lets me spend with her. I love her more a little bit more every single day." Derek leaned in and he and Sam shared a kiss.

It was now Sam's turn, she was the last one at the table. She blushed, unsure of what to say. "Can I just say that I agree with everyone at the table, especially Derek?" When everyone shook their heads no Sam sighed, "Ok, ok. I am thankful for this….wonderful ham sitting right here." Everyone laughed; Derek's contribution had been an eight pound ham. It had taken considerable effort on everyone's part to keep Sam from eating it before dinner.

"Seriously, I am grateful that Carly and Freddie are ok and I am grateful for Melanie being here." Sam hesitated before continuing, "I am really, truly grateful for Derek. I never knew what it was like to love someone this much or to be loved by someone this much." Sam began to cry a little bit. "I have never felt like this before; I don't know what I would do without him, but I am so thankful that I don't have to find out." Derek hugged Sam from his chair and kissed her on the forehead. Sam dabbed at her eyes, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to get all mushy like that."

Steven reassured Sam that she did not have to apologize. "I'd like to propose a toast." Steven raised his wine glass; everyone else at the table did likewise, though Carly's glass had sparkling grape juice instead of actual wine, "Here's to young love and the future."

Everyone clinked glasses and began to serve dinner. Steven surveyed everything before him. His family, perhaps his future family he hoped, and his friends sharing this most important of holidays. At that moment he said silent thanks and thought that he was also grateful that he had made the right choice in choosing to come home instead of staying in the military. He never wanted to miss another family holiday ever again.

* * *

**Author's note. Sorry for the delay in updating, hopefully it won't take as long with the next few chapters, which are basically already planned out. The next chapter is half-finished now; it will deal exclusively with Carly, in fact she will be the only major character in the chapter and the writing will be a departure from the usual structure of the story. For those of you who would like a little preview of what is coming: There will be a chapter centered on Valentine's Day (Mushiness alert! Mushiness alert! Lemon alert?) and in the chapter after that a beloved iCarly character will…..die (if this were a television show this is where you would hear the cheesy dramatic music). Please feel free to leave guesses as to who this character might be.**

**Thank you to everyone who has been reading, following and especially reviewing this story. Please believe me, I truly appreciate the feedback.**


	23. Carly Takes A Trip

**Author's Note. This is one long chapter; maybe it isn't as long as one of Snapplelinz's chapters, but it's much longer than my usual ones. This story has been rattling around in my brain for a long time. In my research for the story I came across the story of a woman who repeatedly ran away from home because she thought God was telling her to do that. I borrowed that basic idea and applied it to Carly. I was just waiting for the right time to place the chapter into the story.**

**This chapter is not written in Carly's first person POV, but everything that happens occurs in Carly's presence. There will be very little with any other character. **

**One last thing, I would like to dedicate this chapter to JunoLuv. She is always telling me I should have more goats in my work. **

* * *

Carly Shay woke up especially early on the first Friday in January of 2011. It was a little after three in the morning and a voice was talking to her. Carly took an anti-psychotic medication every day, but the pills were not intended to eliminate all of the voices Carly heard in her head. They were supposed to limit the number of voices to a manageable number and eliminate her more intense hallucinations, particularly the visual and sensory ones. Her psychotherapy sessions were supposed to help her cope with the remaining voices along with helping her deal with the stress of living with schizophrenia.

Carly had made excellent progress since her suicide attempt in the hospital. She took her medication every day without fail and she never missed a therapy session. She tried to be the best patient she could be and followed her doctor's and therapist's instructions unfailingly; with one exception. Carly's therapist had been quite clear with her that when she did hear the voices she should ignore them because they were not real. As long as Carly did not listen to them they could not harm her or have any power over her. Besides not listening to them she was also never to respond to them or engage them in any way. Carly's one exception was engaging one of her voices.

Carly heard many different kinds of voices. Some were threatening, some were mocking and others could actually be kind and supportive. Sometimes the voices spoke to her clearly and other times they whispered; once in a while they would scream at her, but this was a rare occurrence and had not happened since her suicide attempt.

One day in late October a voice spoke to her, _"Hello Carly_," the voice said. Not whispering, not screaming, just a normal conversational tone. Carly ignored the voice just as she had been instructed. The next day she heard the same voice again. _"Hello Carly, how are you today?"_ This voice seemed friendly, kind of like the voice in the hospital that had convinced her to stop taking her meds, but unlike that voice this one did not have the mocking undertone she now knew was present the first time. Still, just to be safe Carly continued to ignore it.

A couple days after that, on the day before Halloween, Carly was studying alone in her room when the voice returned. "_Hi Carly. How do you feel?"_ Carly was tired and a little frustrated with her homework; she wanted to take a break and did feel a little lonely. Without giving it much thought she answered the voice, "I'm frustrated, this history assignment is hard." Carly did not realize it, but she was speaking quietly so that neither her father nor Spencer would think she was talking to herself; a sign that her meds were faltering and she needed to see her doctor and possibly be hospitalized.

The voice continued the conversation, "_History can be hard, but I am sure you will do fine. What is your assignment about?"_

"Magellan," Carly answered matter-of-factly.

_"Ah, the first explorer credited with circumnavigating the globe. Interesting, is it not?"_

"Yes, it is. I'm just having a hard time putting my thoughts down on paper." Carly had actually picked her topic for this assignment. Whether Carly consciously was aware of it or not, she had developed something of a thing for circles. When she doodled she always sketched circles. She started running at the track at Ridgeway, she said because it was more comfortable for her; which was true, but it was true because she was able to run in big circles. She had also done extensive research online about the teenage girl who had attempted to sail around the world solo, for a few days she had become something of an obsession for Carly.

_"I have faith in you Carly Shay. I am sure you will do just fine. I will leave you now to your homework, good night."_ With that the voice left.

Carly went back to her homework feeling better about herself and wishing the voice had stayed a little longer. Over the next two months the voice would come back often, but not at regular intervals. He, the voice was always masculine, never intruded at inopportune times and was always friendly and encouraging. He seemed to always be there with a kind world whenever Carly was feeling a little lonely or stressed.

Carly grew to enjoy hearing and talking with the voice even though she knew on some level it was a bad idea. Thus she found herself talking to it in the middle of the night on January 7th, 2011. "What?" Carly wasn't sure she heard the voice correctly.

_"You heard me. I want you to go on a….quest."_

"Where do I have to go?"

_"I want you to travel in the biggest circle you can possibly go. Around the world."_

"Around the world? How am I supposed to do that?"

_"You will figure out a way, but do not fail, the consequences if you do will be dire."_

"What will happen if I don't go?"

_"The most severe of punishments."_

"I don't know, I'm sure my father won't let me."

_"Do not tell him, do not tell ANYONE."_

"I'm…not sure."

_"If you do not go now I cannot protect you. Do you know what will happen to you?"_

Carly imagined the worst of her fears. Suddenly she needed to go right away. "Ok, I'll go now."

_"Good girl."_ The voice was gone.

Carly quickly got out of bed. She considered taking a shower, but thought better of it. She did not want to wake up her father or Spencer. She threw on a pair of skinny jeans, a long sleeve shirt and another short sleeve one over that. She found her favorite running shoes and slipped them on. Finding her backpack, she quickly dumped out the contents on her bed and put a change of clothes inside. She went to the jewelry box on her dresser and found the accumulated allowance she had hidden in the bottom. $183 dollars she counted; she put the money in her pocket and quietly left her room, closing the door behind her.

Carefully she crept down the stairs. In a kitchen cupboard there were a couple boxes of protein bars. She grabbed all of them and threw them into her backpack. She walked softly to the front door and took one last look at her home. Slowly she opened the front door and made her escape. She lingered for a moment in front of Freddie's door, she was tempted to wake him and ask him to come with her, but the voice had told her to tell nobody and she didn't think it was a good idea to disobey.

In a few minutes Carly was outside in front of Bushwell. One thought kept coming to her; go East. Keep going East. Just like the opposite of Horace Greeley, though Carly had no idea who that was. Carly walked a couple blocks towards downtown when she came upon an on-duty cab. She got in and asked the driver to take her to the bus station. She was pretty sure bus was the only way she could reasonably start her journey. Traffic was light and she was at the bus station in no time at all. She paid the driver and went inside.

The terminal was almost completely deserted at that early hour. Just a few despondent looking travelers and seriously depressed looking custodians walking about. Carly walked over to the ticket booth where a bored looking woman was doing a crossword puzzle. The woman did not look up until Carly was standing right in front of her. "Can I help you miss?" Her voice held no enthusiasm whatsoever.

Carly looked at the schedule on the board behind the woman. "I'd like to go East."

"Ok, any particular place East of here?"

"Uh…" Carly saw Chicago as one of the destinations. That would get her pretty far, plus the bus was leaving in 15 minutes. "Chicago, that's East."

"Yeah, it sure is." The woman began printing out Carly's ticket. As she was waiting she looked Carly over a little more closely. She appeared to have dressed quickly and her only baggage was a purple backpack slung over her shoulder. Given the hour of night and the fact that she was alone, the ticket woman assumed Carly was a runaway. Teenage girls who ran away from home were not an unusual sight at the bus terminal. God knows how many she had sold tickets to in the past. When Carly's ticket printed she placed it inside an envelope. "That will be $95.50 with tax."

Carly handed five twenties to the woman; she counted out Carly's change and handed it back to her with her ticket. "Okay sweetie, the bus leaves in 10 minutes. Just go through those doors to the left and its number 716, it will say Chicago on the front. Any questions?"

Carly shook her head no and said thanks. She took her ticket and went through the double doors where a line of buses were waiting. She found the correct one and showed the driver her ticket. He gave her a friendly smile and said she could take any free seat. She went inside and found a seat two thirds of the way in the back. There were two other adults, both men in their thirties, riding alone on the bus and one young couple, maybe in their early twenties.

As Carly settled into her seat she reconsidered what she was doing. She hadn't brought her purse, her wallet or any of her medication. She considered calling the whole thing off when the voice came through loud and clear in her head, _"NO!"_ That settled things for Carly and she stayed in her seat. Nobody else got on the bus and it pulled away from the terminal right on schedule. Carly's journey had truly begun.

* * *

Several hours later, as the hour approached noon, the bus pulled into the terminal in Spokane. It was scheduled to stay there for 45 minutes; besides picking up any additional passengers the stay would allow the driver and current passengers to stretch their legs, use the restroom, or grab a quick bite to eat.

Carly got off the bus with the few other passengers carrying her backpack over her left shoulder. She had eaten a protein bar on the bus and was not really hungry, but she did want to use the restroom. As she walked back into the terminal she started to feel uneasy. She felt like people were whispering about her, but so quietly she could barely hear them. She thought about calling her father and giving up when the voice, or to Carly now The Voice, quickly told her _"NO."_

Carly went into the small gift shop and bought a couple gossip magazines to help her pass the time on the bus. She stuck them in her backpack and sat down on a bench outside the terminal. While she was waiting one of the male passengers traveling on the bus alone sat down next to her on the other end of the bench.

He smiled at Carly, "We're in for a long trip, huh? If you're going all the way to Chicago that is."

Carly returned the man's smile with a wan one of her own. Frenzied whispers grew louder in Carly's head, _"He's going to kill you. He's going to kill you."_

The man pulled out a bottle of water out of a plastic bag he acquired at the gift shop. "I bought an extra bottle of water. Would you like it?"

"Thank you….yes, thanks." Carly reached out and took the bottle.

The whispers grew in intensity, _"He poisoned the water. He poisoned the water."_

Carly's heart started to beat so hard she thought it was going to burst right out of her chest. She stood up a little too quickly, she hoped the man wouldn't notice and grab her. "I have to run do something before getting on the bus."

The man smiled at her and said no problem. Carly walked as calmly as she could into the terminal, she hadn't been this scared in a long time. When she was out of sight of the man on the bench she ran as fast as she could out the entrance on the opposite side. After she exited the doors she hurriedly checked behind her to make sure he wasn't coming after her. Seeing that he wasn't she leaned back against the wall and sighed in relief. She wondered what she was going to do now. She couldn't get back onto the bus with him; he would kill her for sure. In fact he could be looking for her now she thought. She threw the bottle of water into a nearby trash bin and ran away from the terminal. She didn't care if the bus left without her.

Carly ran and ran and when she started to get tired she ran a little more. She came to a stop somewhere near the outskirts of Spokane's downtown area. Never in her life had Carly been to Spokane, she vaguely knew that Sam had some relatives there, but that knowledge wouldn't be much help to her. Spying an empty bench, Carly sat down and rested. She was scared and alone, but she knew she couldn't call her family or loved ones. She really wanted to call Freddie; she knew Freddie would help and protect her, but The Voice had forbidden that. If she was going to make The Voice happy she knew she had to go east.

Carly stood up from bench and surveyed her surroundings. She would just have to start walking east and see what happened. She took a protein bar out of her backpack and quickly ate it, she would need the energy and she was hungry. She took her best guess as to which direction east was in and began walking.

After a few hours of walking east Carly was sincerely starting to question her plan. Despite wearing running shoes her feet and legs hurt. It was also getting pretty cold and she wasn't wearing a jacket. She had no idea what road she was walking along; it was a semi-busy road without a sidewalk. Carly found she had to occasionally walk over to the far right to avoid large trucks. Just as her despair was about to become overwhelming a large semi pulled over a little ways in front of her.

As she walked up past the truck the driver opened the passenger side door and called out to her. "Miss, do you need a ride? This is a pretty dangerous road to walk on."

Carly thought for a second. She really was tired of walking and a ride did sound appealing. She was pleasantly surprised that the driver was a woman, the idea of accepting a ride from a woman seemed safer than taking one from a man. "Sure, thanks."

The woman crawled over to the passenger side and helped Carly up into the cab. When Carly was settled the driver buckled herself in and pulled back out onto the road. "My name's Betty, by the way." Betty held out her right hand.

"I'm Carly, thanks for the ride, I really appreciate it." Carly took Betty's right hand in her own.

"So Carly, where are you headed?"

"East," Carly said matter-of-factly.

"Sounds good Carly. I'm heading East as well. I have to make a stop in Great Falls, Montana and then the Fort Peck Indian Reservation. After that I'm going on to Fargo, ND; that's pretty far east."

"Sounds good to me." Carly yawned.

"Feel free to make yourself comfortable and take a nap if you like. It may be a slow-go through the mountains. We can talk if you want as well. I'm glad to have the company." Betty almost never picked up hitch-hikers, and Carly technically wasn't hitch-hiking, but she figured a teenage girl would be safe enough. This was certainly safer for Carly. There were a lot of dangerous people out there who wouldn't hesitate to take advantage of a pretty teenage girl walking alone in the middle of nowhere.

Betty assumed Carly was running away from home; she wasn't really dressed for mountain hiking. She wondered briefly about Carly's home life and thought about asking but stopped herself. It was probably traumatic and if Carly wanted to tell her then she would. Otherwise it was none of her business. She looked over at Carly at smiled; Carly had already fallen asleep. Betty was glad she could help a little bit, and besides, a little company wouldn't hurt the drive from Seattle to Fargo and back.

* * *

Betty carefully steered her semi into the truck stop gas pump area. They were in Lincoln, Montana and it was a little after six in the evening. Carly had taken only a short nap in the semi; the rest of the time she had chatted amiably with Betty, though she had not explained exactly why she was travelling the way she was. Betty did not press Carly at all which Carly appreciated.

"I've got to fill up. It'll take a little while, why don't you go get yourself something to eat and drink. You'll know where to find me." Betty motioned towards the truck stop itself.

Carly went inside the truck stop; after a quick stop at the restroom she went over to the small convenience store and bought a couple bottles of water. Her plan was to get something to eat at the restaurant and take it with her. While waiting in line she noticed a couple truckers looking at her. One of them smiled at her and winked. The whispers came back. _"They are going to kill you. They are going to kill you."_

Carly paid for her water and stuck them inside her backpack. She could feel the trucker's stares as she walked by. She had to get back to Betty. _"No, you can't go to Betty. She brought you here. She wants to kill you."_ Carly thought that could not be true, Betty had been so nice. _"She stopped here. She brought you here to be killed."_ Carly froze; it was Betty's idea to stop at this place and she did say she knew it pretty well. Suddenly Carly knew she had to get away, no matter what she had to do.

Moving quickly, Carly dashed back into the ladies restroom. She had to change her clothes; those men and Betty knew what she was wearing. Changing clothes would help her escape she decided. Carly stripped out of the jeans and shirts she was wearing and replaced them with her change of clothes; a dress more suited for summer which ended a couple inches above her knees. She stuffed her jeans and shirts in her backpack and put her running shoes back on.

Carly carefully peered around the corner of the entrance to the ladies room. She could not see the men anywhere, but that did not make her feel any safer. They could be hiding anywhere; she would have to move quickly. She saw an entrance on the opposite side of where she came in made her move. Dashing across the central area of the truck stop she pushed the doors open and sprinted as fast as she could across the parking lot. When she reached the road she began running away towards the east. Finally she ran out of breath; stopping to turn around she could see the truck stop a few hundred yards behind her.

She was starting to calm down when it occurred to her that Betty would be driving by on this very same road any minute. If Betty found her she would bring her right back to those same men. Carly panicked again, she had to get off the road fast. The area on either side of her was heavily wooded; Carly ran into the woods to her right. The trees were thick and the underbrush was heavy. Carly pushed her way through as fast as she could. She didn't think Betty could see her from the road, but she couldn't be sure.

Carly was maybe 500 yards into the wooded area when she lost her footing and fell down a steep hill that was near impossible to see in the darkness and trees. She tumbled seemingly forever; halfway down the embankment she heard a loud crack and screamed out in pain. She had broken her left forearm halfway to the elbow. She had also hit her head pretty hard on an exposed tree root. Even though she had no way of knowing it, she had a nasty concussion to go along with a broken arm.

Carly was rattled and confused. She stood up unsteadily; her left arm was incredibly swollen and the bone pushed against her skin in a grotesquely unnatural manner. The pain from her arm almost caused her to pass out; she managed to stay conscious and upright, however, though she was unsteady on her feet. The headache she had did not help at all.

Carly could hardly see anything as she looked around. Some starlight was getting through, but not very much. She had no idea where to go now; going back up the hill she had just tumbled down was not a viable option, especially with her arm in the shape it was in. Thankfully she still had her backpack; it had been around her shoulder when she fell. Carly took a few tentative steps away from the embankment. She was scared and could hear whispers coming from somewhere. She had to keep walking, keep walking she told herself.

It hurt to have her backpack over her left shoulder; she used her right arm to gingerly slide the thing off the shoulder and down her arm. Tears came to her eyes and she winced as she the backpack brushed against the spot of her break. She had no way to get the backpack over her right shoulder so she dragged it behind her as she began to tentatively move from her position. Just keep walking she told herself.

Carly did indeed keep walking, though her steps were slow and unsure at times, she managed to keep her legs moving. After walking a couple hours in the thick woods she began to grow utterly exhausted. Her arm throbbed and pain radiated from the break whenever anything brushed against her arm. Her head hurt and she was cold. She had not brought a jacket with her and it was starting to lightly snow. Eventually Carly could go no farther; she came across a large tree and slumped down with her back against the thick trunk. She had given up and decided that if she was going to die, it might as well be next to this tree.

She started to cry as the nature of her predicament became clear to her. She was in the middle of Montana and nobody had any idea where she was. Even if they did know she was not near any road or any people. She had a broken arm and she had never been so cold in her life. The snow had grown heavier and she had no jacket, hat or gloves to keep her warm. She had a constant headache that throbbed along with her arm. How could she be so foolish? What was she thinking? She called out to The Voice, but he did not answer. She was completely alone in the world and would likely die alone as well. As her head fell back against the tree she began to grow sleepy. She wondered if anyone would ever figure out what happened to her as she fell asleep, she assumed, for the very last time.

* * *

Carly awoke to the sensation of something, some animal, nuzzling her neck. She had difficulty focusing her eyes; once she was able to see properly she could tell it was a goat nuzzling her neck. The goat backed away when Carly woke up; she moved her neck from side to side trying to loosen it as she took stock of her situation. Looking up at the sky it appeared that the sun was rising and it was early morning. It had continued to snow through the night; Carly was half buried in it up to just below her chest. Her arms and legs were numb; this actually helped her arm feel slightly better, but was not good for her feet. She was hungry, but she did not think she could open her backpack. Her hands were too numb and she only had effective use of her right arm anyway.

The goat who had stumbled upon her began to bleat repeatedly. Carly didn't know what it wanted; if it wanted something to eat it was out of luck, she couldn't get to her protein bars. Carly rested her head back against the tree and closed her eyes. The goat immediately began trying to lick her neck and cheek. Carly got the message; the goat did not want her to fall asleep. Carly straightened her head and looked at her benefactor. She couldn't tell for sure, but she got the impression the goat wanted her to get up and follow him. Carly did not know anything about goats, and in fact could not tell if this one was a male or female, but making him a boy seemed to feel right. She sighed and tried to speak to the goat, but no words would come out. Ok, Carly thought, you probably don't speak English anyway.

Carly carefully got up from her sitting position. It was made especially difficult by her stiff joints, numbed limbs and broken left arm. After a few minutes of struggling she managed to get up on her own two feet. She looked down on the goat standing next to her; it returned her gaze and began walking off into the woods. Carly hesitated to follow; the goat stopped turned back to her and began to bleat again. Carly got the message and began to follow her new four-legged friend. She did not know if he had a plan, but since hers was to simply die next to that tree, she figured it wouldn't hurt to find out. She began to stumble after the goat, not even realizing that she was leaving her backpack behind.

* * *

Carly had no idea how long she had been walking. Her mind could barely function at its most basic level; the concept of the passage of time was simply beyond her comprehension. Her entire worldview consisted of the steps she was taking, the goat she was following closely behind and the omnipresent snow. As white as everything was around her she might have died back at that tree and this could be heaven. She would have laughed at her own joke if her face hadn't been so cold. She had long ago lost the feeling in her feet and hands. She remembered crying at some point earlier, but her tears had frozen to her cheeks.

Carly's feet got tangled and she fell on her left side. The pain she felt was excruciating, her arm felt like it was on fire for a moment. She wanted to scream, but couldn't find the energy. She couldn't even cry, all she could do was stumble to her knees and feel sorry for herself as the snow continued to fall all around. Her guide stopped once he noticed Carly was not following and turned around. He didn't make any noise but kept staring at Carly until she mustered the will to get up and keep going.

Some time later, it could have been minutes or even hours, Carly simply could not tell anymore; she followed the goat out of the trees and into a clearing. As the unlikely pair crossed the treeless expanse Carly could start to see something through the snow. What she saw was a house, though in her diminished capacity she couldn't think of the word. As she and the goat got closer to the structure a person walked out to greet them. He was an older man with white hair; he started to speak, but Carly couldn't hear what he was saying. She wanted to say something, anything, to the man but found her ability to speak was gone. The only thing she was able to do in her condition was collapse unconscious face first into the snow.

* * *

The next time Carly opened her eyes she was in a hospital bed. She had no idea where she was or even when it was. Her hands and feet were lightly bandaged and she had a cast on her left arm. There was an elderly lady sitting next to her bed reading bible passages aloud. Carly wanted to ask her where she was but she was still unable to talk. She could form the words in her head and make the conscious decision to speak them, but her mouth simply would not cooperate. If her brain was a DVD player, and her mouth a television, the cord that connected them was missing or defective.

The woman noticed that Carly had woken up finally. "Sweetie, you're with us again. How do you feel?"

Carly looked at the woman and tried to speak, but could only open her mouth slightly, no sound came out. She wanted to ask the woman so many questions, but simply did not have the power. She started to cry a little bit.

The woman leaned in a little closer to Carly, "Ok, it appears you're not able to speak right now. That's ok. You're in a clinic in the town of Lincoln, Montana. You wandered onto our property and we brought you here; that was the day before yesterday. Tell you what, how about if I get the doctor."

The woman got up and left Carly alone in the room. There were three other beds in the room, but Carly was the only patient at the moment. A couple minutes later the woman came back into the room following someone who appeared to be a doctor. He seemed to be in his 40's and he had a kind face. He picked up a chart at the foot of Carly's bed and quickly scanned it. He pulled a chair over and sat down next to the head of Carly's bed.

"Hello young lady. My name is Doctor Ford. The nice lady who has been keeping you company is Mrs. Bryant. She thinks maybe you are unable to speak right now. Can you speak?"

Carly wanted to tell him no, or at least shake her head no, but simply could not communicate what she wanted to say. All she could do was gaze back at Dr. Ford blankly.

"Ok, I'm not sure why you can't talk, but we'll worry about that later. Let me tell you that you're going to be fine. You have 2nd degree frostbite on your feet and hands; that's why they are bandaged. In a couple days you should have the use of your hands, maybe then you'll be able to write and tell us who you are. You have a touch of frostbite on your left cheek, don't worry, it's not going to leave any permanent mark. You probably knew about the broken arm. I set the break and put you in a cast. It should be able to come off in about a month. Other than that you're suffering from exposure and exhaustion. You've actually been sleeping for more than a day."

Dr. Ford patted Carly's hand. "You need to rest. Maybe after more sleep we'll be able to figure out just who you are. I'll check back on you in a little bit." Dr. Ford gave Carly a wide smile and got up to leave.

Mrs. Bryant took the seat Dr. Ford vacated. "How about I sing you a little lullaby? This is one my children always loved." Mrs. Bryant started to softly sing a child's lullaby. Carly did not recognize the song but it still had the desired effect. She found her eyes getting heavy despite all of the sleeping she had been doing. After a few minutes she was comfortably sleeping again, her dreams filled with visions of Freddie and a life together with him.

* * *

The next time Carly woke up Mrs. Bryant was gone, but Dr. Ford was there speaking with a sheriff. They didn't notice that Carly was awake and she pretended to sleep while listening to them talk. "That's her all right. The picture looks a lot different, obviously, but the scar on her neck is a dead giveaway. You've spoken to her father?"

"Yes, just a little bit ago. Her name is Carly Shay, she's 16 and she lives in Seattle, Washington."

Dr. Ford was surprised, "Wow, she's a long way from home. She's a runaway?"

The sheriff shook his head, "No, at least not the usual kind. She has schizophrenia and they think she might be delusional."

"Is she dangerous?"

"Possibly. Her father said she could be suicidal. Can you do a suicide watch?"

Dr. Ford thought for a moment. "I think so, between the nurses and Mrs. Bryant she hasn't been alone anyway. She hasn't given us any problems. Did her father give you a doctor I can contact?"

"Uh-huh, I wrote the information down." The sheriff handed Dr. Ford a post-it note with Dr. Greene's contact information. "Her father is trying to get here as fast as possible. He should be here in the morning."

Dr. Bryant and the sheriff who's name Carly did not get finally left. Carly opened her eyes and thought about what the two men had said. Her father was coming for her in the morning. For some reason Carly was not entirely happy with the news. She thought about it for a while and finally decided that she was afraid she was in big trouble, just like when she was six and disobeyed a house rule. Carly sighed; she had to admit as well that she was afraid to see her father because she was ashamed of what she had done. What was she thinking trying to circle the globe? Maybe she was completely crazy; she wondered if Freddie would still want to be her boyfriend. Would he really want to date a girl that crazy? She didn't like these thoughts and started to cry, tears streaming down her pale and weather-worn cheeks.

Mrs. Bryant came into the room and, seeing Carly sobbing, immediately went to the girl's side and gave her a gentle kiss on the forehead. She stroked Carly's hair until she calmed down. Eventually she relaxed and Mrs. Bryant pulled out her bible. "I just found out your name is Carly. That's a very pretty name." Mrs. Bryant started to read; Carly relaxed further and actually smiled a little bit. She didn't have much interest in the Bible per se, but hearing Mrs. Bryant's calm, soothing voice gave her tremendous comfort.

* * *

Carly was sitting on the edge of her hospital bed waiting for her father and Dr. Ford to come get her. Her father had arrived the previous morning; his obvious relief at seeing her had helped allay her fears that he was mad at her. She was still ashamed of herself, however, and the fact that she still couldn't speak did not help any. Her father came into the room.

"Ready Carls? Our ride's here now."

Carly slowly nodded her head. She was wearing clothes her father had bought for her in town, they were slightly too big for her. Her father offered his hand and she accepted it. They walked out of the patient room, down a short hallway, and into the clinic's lobby. Dr. Ford was waiting for them.

"Good luck Carly. I'm sorry we had to meet like this, but I'm glad you'll be fine." He shook Steven Shay's hand goodbye; Carly nodded her head and smiled slightly.

Father and daughter walked out of the clinic to find a Range Rover waiting out front. Mr. and Mrs. Bryant stood by the vehicle; they were going to drive the Shay's to the airport in Helena. Mr. Bryant and Steven helped Carly into the back seat of the vehicle; it was difficult with her left arm in its cast. Steven got in after her in the back. Mr. Bryant drove and Mrs. Bryant rode in the front passenger seat.

The Bryants and Steven made small talk during the trip to Helena. "We're lucky that goat led her back to our property. There are not many people around there, if she'd missed us…." He really did not have to complete that sentence. Everyone knew that if Carly hadn't stumbled onto their property she would have certainly died in those woods without anyone ever finding her body.

Mrs. Bryant changed the subject and they talked about their respective families the rest of the drive. The airport in Helena was small and the Bryants accompanied them to the gate where their plane would be taking off shortly. Mrs. Bryant gave them a box of cookies she had baked the previous night. When it was time for the Shay's to board their plane the Bryants shook hands with Steven. Carly started to cry a little bit and Mrs. Bryant gave her a hug. She told Carly to call or write to let them know how she was doing. She also said she couldn't wait to actually hear Carly's voice.

Steven gave the gate attendant his and Carly's boarding passes. Just before exiting the terminal to board their plane Carly turned around to wave goodbye to the Bryants who enthusiastically waved back.

* * *

Carly rode in the back seat of the Bensons car with Freddie. Mrs. Benson was driving and Steven was riding in the passenger seat. Carly still couldn't speak; when she finally saw Freddie in the airport she couldn't hide her trepidation. Would Freddie really love someone as screwed up as her? Her fears evaporated when Freddie ran to her and hugged her tightly in his arms, careful not to hurt her arm.

Freddie couldn't keep from crying. "I love you so much Carly. I was so worried, please don't scare me like that again. God I love you."

Carly hugged him back and cried with him, though instead of tears of anguish they were tears of relief. She clung to Freddie the entire walk to the car and even in the back seat. She knew where they were going and since it wasn't Bushwell Plaza she wanted to make the most of her short time with him.

Carly sighed when her suspicions were confirmed and the car pulled up to the hospital. Her father and Freddie got out of the car with her and led her inside. She didn't fight them; she was resigned to her fate. They made steady progress on their way to the psych ward. When they reached the front desk Dr. Greene was waiting for them. Carly looked up at her father; he kissed her forehead and hugged her.

She turned to Freddie and started to cry. Freddie kissed her on the lips and hugged her tightly. "This is for the best Carly; you'll be out before you know it. I'm going to visit as soon as they let me. I promise." Carly nodded as she cried on his shoulder, still unable to speak. "I love you so much Carly; I will always love you, no matter what."

Carly wanted to tell Freddie she loved him too, but just couldn't speak. She looked back at Freddie and her father one last time before Dr. Greene took her inside the psych ward. He led her down the hallway where she stayed the first time, but they walked past both of the rooms she had occupied. Eventually they stopped at a room near the end of the hallway. Dr. Greene told Carly he wanted her to rest; he gave her the first dose of her new medication and helped her get settled. She was tired and told Dr. Greene she was going to take a nap.

After the doctor left Carly relaxed on her bed. Before too long she fell sound asleep. Carly did not know how long she slept; eventually she woke up unsure of where she was. It took a few anxious moments before she realized she was back in the hospital, in the psych ward to be exact. She sat up in her bed and looked around the room. Her eyes eventually settled on a familiar sight sitting on the other bed. For the first time since, well Carly couldn't remember exactly when she had last spoken; for the first time in a long time Carly finally spoke words aloud, "Hi Maude."

* * *

**So, what did you think? Please leave a review, I appreciate any and all comments, especially about this piece of writing. The next chapter will be a bit less serious; it will be set around Valentine's Day and will deal primarily with romance and love (Lemon alert? Lemon alert?). The chapter after that will be where a popular iCarly character dies; that promises to be much more serious and dramatic. Thank you again for all of your time spent reading and following this story.**


	24. There's A First Time For Everything

**Author's Note. LEMON ALERT! LEMON ALERT! LEMON ALERT! **

**If this were a late-night weekend movie on Cinemax this is where the Adult Content warning would be placed. Be warned, this chapter includes lemons and some frank discussion of related topics. The chapter takes place in the time frame leading up to Valentine's Day (most of the action is on the previous Saturday evening) and I hope to show the deepening romantic relationships between our main couples. I hope I have not written simple smut; that was not my intent.**

**I know that some people are uncomfortable reading lemons. If that is the case you are free to skip this chapter and wait for the next one. You may miss out on a little character development, but you should still be able to follow the story. I will not be offended if you choose to do that. **

* * *

Valentine's Day was one week away; Carly, Sam and Melanie were sitting in the Groovy Smoothie discussing the upcoming holiday. Melanie's school was off for the week and she had come home to visit family and friends. She had met Sam there after school while Carly arrived from her doctor's office where the cast was finally removed from her left arm.

For the first time both Carly and Sam had boyfriends at the same time during Valentine's Day and the prospect of both having potential plans for the holiday was exciting. Their enthusiasm was tempered only by the fact that Melanie had broken up with her boyfriend just before the Christmas break and still had not gotten over it. She was genuinely happy for her sister and Carly, however, and did her best not to let her romantic woes spoil their happy moods.

Sam took a sip of her smoothie and pondered the change in Carly ever since she had left the hospital the previous month. Sam was not there to greet Carly at the airport when she and her father returned from Montana; she had wanted to be there but Steven had cautioned that since Carly was going right to the hospital it might be a good idea to limit the number of people present. Freddie had told her and Derek later that Carly seemed almost broken. She couldn't speak, though her eyes still told volumes and Freddie felt sure she knew she was going back to the hospital and was resigned to her fate.

Sam was heartbroken but glad to have Carly back alive. When Carly disappeared Sam honestly thought she would never see her best friend alive again. After spending all of that first day and night futilely searching for Carly, and finally giving up hope, she and Freddie spent the night at Freddie's crying on each other's shoulders. Derek had helped as best he could, but mostly kept to himself. He understood that Sam and Freddie had a closer bond to Carly than himself and needed to comfort each other. After that first day the three of them pretty much just walked around in a daze until word came that Carly had turned up in Montana of all places.

Carly spent a week in the hospital after coming back to Seattle. While there only her father and Freddie had been able to visit; in fact it wasn't until four days into her stay that Carly even began talking again. Carly never opened up to anyone about her therapy sessions, either inside or outside the hospital. Those were extremely personal and private; the only person she shared anything with regarding them was Freddie, and even then she revealed very little.

Things were different for her after leaving the hospital this time. That first evening home everyone gathered for a celebratory dinner; Carly had mentioned that she wanted to see everyone. Before eating Carly went to everyone present, hugged them and apologized for running off and scaring them. While eating she openly talked about why she ran away; she explained how she listened to the wrong voice and convinced herself that she wanted to travel in one big circle around the globe. She went into detail about what happened on her trip; the part where she ran into the woods caused her to pause. She took Freddie's hand when she explained how she had given up and was just going to wait to die. Her mood brightened when she described the goat coming out of nowhere and, more or less, forcibly getting her to start walking and leading her to the Bryant's small ranch. After Carly finished there was a bit of nervous energy around the table. It was now apparent to everyone just how close Carly had come to dying; her second near-death experience in six months.

There was also a little bit of confusion over Carly's frank and open talk about what had happened. Everyone was glad that she was opening up and sharing, but it seemed a bit out of her recent character. Also, she seemed much more cheerful and happier, far closer to the person she was before becoming sick. Despite the momentary confusion it was silently agreed by everyone present that an open and cheerful Carly was preferable to a closed-off and depressed Carly.

Nobody was happier with Carly's new more upbeat demeanor than Sam. In the month since leaving the hospital Carly stayed mostly positive and upbeat. It was very close to the way things were before and Sam relished every minute. She spent time with Carly again, not quite as much as she did two years ago, but then they both had boyfriends now. There were more sleepovers, movie marathons and hanging out at the Groovy Smoothie. They could talk about anything again; they even discussed reviving iCarly.

At one point while watching Girlie Cow on DVD Sam asked Carly about what happened in the hospital and about her change in behavior. Not that she was complaining, Sam added, she was just curious. Carly reassured her that it was ok and explained that Maude had told her that to be healthier and happier she had to open up to her friends and trust that they would always be her friends. Maude also told her that her life was precious and that even if she had a condition like schizophrenia she needed to enjoy it to the fullest. Carly added that she promised Maude while in the hospital that she would make every effort to heed her words. Sam had no idea who Maude was; she assumed it was a nurse or possibly a fellow patient. She didn't press Carly on the matter, if Carly wanted to share that information she would. She was just happy to have her Carly Shay back.

Sam's thoughts were interrupted by Melanie's voice, "Sam, Earth to Sam. Are you with us?"

Sam finished sipping her smoothie and set the cup down, "Yeah, I'm here."

"We know what Carly and Freddie are doing for Valentine's Day now. What about you and Derek?"  
"Derek's parents are going to Las Vegas for the weekend and we were thinking of having dinner at his house and maybe do some swimming." Derek's house had an indoor pool that Sam, Carly and Freddie had taken advantage of often during the winter.

"That's all?" Carly asked, somewhat surprised.

"Sure, what else would we do?" Sam replied.

Carly and Melanie looked at each other and shook their respective heads. "What else indeed," Melanie said.

Sam was a little defensive. "Maybe we'll do some dancing also."

Again Carly and Melanie looked at each other, surprised this time. "Dancing?" They said in unison.

Sam began to blush; this was not something she had shared with either of them yet. "You know how mom made me and Mel learn ballroom dancing? Derek's mom made him take lessons too."

Melanie said, "I thought you hated the ballroom dancing?"

"Yeah, I did, but with Derek it's different. He dances so well and…with him I enjoy it, ok? Sometimes we'll dance for hours at his house; it's almost like…I don't know it just feels so great."

Carly was not Sam's sister, let alone twin, but she pretty much knew Sam as well as a sibling could. She picked up on the gist of what Sam meant. "It sounds really romantic. The two of you must really have a good time after."

Sam looked perplexed, "What do you mean Carls?"

Carly lowered her voice slightly making sure nobody at any surrounding tables could overhear them. "You know, the sex. It must be great after that."

Sam's cheeks turned a deep shade of red. Given her aggressive and outwardly confident nature, it was often assumed that those traits carried over into every aspect of her life. That was not true, however. When it came to the subject of sex Sam was incredibly shy, even more so than Melanie. She had a hard time talking to boys and often had difficulty initially expressing an interest in one. When she had a crush on a boy named Carter she stole his basketball instead of trying to talk to him. Even after going out with a boy she had difficulty expressing herself. Jonah tried to kiss Carly after a week of dating Sam because Sam was too shy and insecure to kiss him herself. She had considered the subject of having sex with Derek, but the idea scared her.

"We haven't had sex yet." Sam had difficulty looking either Carly or Melanie in the eye.

"Really?" Melanie was surprised, she knew how much Sam was physically attracted to Derek.

"You haven't done…anything with Derek yet?" Carly added.

Sam felt like she was being ganged up on by her sister and best friend. "We've made out and done some touching over the clothes, but that's it."

"How does Derek feel about that?" Melanie asked seriously.

"He's fine with it. He has always told me there is no pressure; he loves me and we'll take things slowly."

Carly replied, "But don't you want to…you know do more?"

"I don't know, maybe, but…I don't know. What about you and Freddie?"

"We haven't gone all the way yet, but we've done everything else."

"Everything? What about you Mel?"

"Eh, Carlos and I did it last October. I sort of regret it now, though, seeing what a jerk he turned out to be. Still, Derek is a way much better guy than him. Wait…Carly, everything?"

Carly nodded, "Ever since the homecoming dance in October. We've steadily been doing more and more." Carly took a sip of her smoothie. "Hey, doesn't this feel like an episode of Sex and the City?"

Sam and Melanie laughed with Carly. Their mother loved the TV show and the movies and they were familiar with it like Carly. Melanie said, "Well, I don't know if any of us can compare to Samantha."

Carly spoke somewhat cryptically, "Speak for yourself, Freddie and I have done some…crazy stuff."

Melanie and Sam were both surprised and curious. Melanie asked, "You have to dish now."

"No she doesn't," Sam's shyness began to reassert itself.

"It's ok Sam," Carly replied, "I mean we're 16 going on 17. If we can't talk about this stuff with our best girlfriends, then who with?" Carly paused and sipped her smoothie again. "Remember the fire drill we had early last December? We ducked into a janitor's closet and I…let's just say I provided Freddie some relief."

Melanie was surprised and a little impressed. "Wow, how did you get Freddie to go along with that? He doesn't seem the type."

Sam was pensive for a moment, "Yeah, I always wondered what happened to you during the fire drill. Mel's right, Freddie seems like he'd be too scared of getting caught."

Carly felt the need to defend Freddie. "Come on, Freddie's still 17 years old. How many 17 year old guys will turn down a blow job under any circumstances."

Sam was sipping her smoothie at that moment and almost did a spit take. She assumed Carly and Freddie were sexually active up to a point, but to hear Carly talk this brazenly took a little getting used to. "It still sounds like a tough sell. I mean, come on, we all know Freddie. Though not as well as you apparently."

Carly chuckled, "Well, maybe I offered a little more incentive."

Sam and Melanie pondered what further incentive Carly could have offered when it occurred to them at roughly the same time. Melanie was the one who sort of posed the question. "Whoa Carly, did you let him…..you know?"

Carly didn't answer the question; instead she gave a mysterious partial grin partial smile. Melanie was taking an art appreciation course that semester at school. They had just recently been studying the Mona Lisa. For a second she thought that Carly had the exact same expression on her face. Melanie laughed to herself, was that the answer to the age old mystery of the Mona Lisa?

Eventually Carly spoke and changed the subject back to its original topic. "Weren't we talking about Sam?"

"Yes, Carly, I believe we were."

Sam was feeling cornered again. "What?"

Carly answered her. "Look Sam, we're just saying it's ok to have sex with Derek if you want. You do want to, don't you?"

Sam blushed again and looked down at the table, "Yes, of course I do. I'm just nervous."

Carly placed her hand on Sam's. "It's ok, but you know what? Derek is a great guy, believe me, I know." The two friends smiled at each other, after their talk on Thanksgiving any awkwardness over Sam dating a former boyfriend of Carly's had evaporated. "If you're going to give up your virginity to anyone, well, Derek's a pretty good choice."

"I think Carly's right Sam. Derek is sweet and pretty gorgeous too. I don't think you'd be making a mistake." Melanie sounded as supportive as possible.

Sam looked from Melanie and then to Carly. "What if Derek doesn't want to…do that, or do that with me?"

Carly shook her head, "Wow, and I'm supposed to be the one who's mentally ill?"

Melanie added, "Sam, Derek's a 17 year old guy. Come on, how many guys of any age turn down sex?"

Sam felt she was out of excuses. If her twin sister and best friend could be sexually active, really active if Carly was to be believed, then so could she. "Ok, ok, I'll talk to Derek tonight. Will that make you happy?"

Both Carly and Melanie squealed in delight. Melanie said, "I think this calls for some shopping. I don't know about you Carly, but I think Sam should get a new outfit."

Carly really didn't need any convincing to go shopping for new dresses. "Good idea Mel. Come on Sam, it'll be fun."

Sam scoffed, "It'll be fun for the two of you. I'll just wear what I did to the homecoming dance."

"Don't be such a spoil-sport. Saturday's a big night for you; you really should get a new outfit for it. Please?" Carly added her best puppy-dog eyes.

Sam knew she was beaten. "Ok, but Melanie tries on the dresses. We're the same size anyway."

"Deal." Carly and Melanie again answered in unison. With that the trio left the Groovy Smoothie and headed back to Bushwell Plaza, they would need a ride from Spencer to the mall.

As they walked up to the light and waited for their turn to cross the street, Sam said, "You know Carly, I'm never going to think about another fire drill again quite the same way."

Carly didn't hesitate with her answer, "Neither will Freddie."

* * *

It was the Saturday evening before Valentine's Day. Carly and Freddie had celebrated by having a romantic dinner at one of the most exclusive restaurants in Seattle. Now they stood in front of each other in Freddie's bedroom. Carly gazed deep into his eyes as he gazed longingly into hers. Since the homecoming dance in October they had been experimenting sexually with each other; steadily increasing their mutual repertoire to include hands, mouths and tongues. What they were going to do now, however, was on an entirely different level. It did not need to be said; once they did what they were planning to do their relationship would ascend to a much more serious level and there would be no going back.

Freddie kissed Carly on the lips. "Are you sure?"

Carly returned his kiss, her tongue seeking entrance to Freddie's mouth and getting it. "I meant every word," she said once their kiss was finished.

Carly thought she would be more nervous, but her hands were steady as she started to unbutton Freddie's shirt. Once all the buttons were undone she slipped the shirt off of his shoulders and kissed his chest. She trailed kisses down and over his stomach as she sank down to her knees. She paused for half a second, barely noticeable to Freddie, as her eyes glanced over the two prominent scars on his stomach. She kissed them lightly as her hands undid the buckle of his belt. Carly unzipped Freddie's pants and looked up at his face, locking eyes with him.

Freddie cupped the left side of Carly's face with his right hand. Nothing really needed to be said between them. Carly smiled up at Freddie and mouthed the words, "I love you," as she slid his pants down his legs. Freddie carefully stepped out of his pants and slipped the socks off his feet. Carly's smile morphed into more of a sly grin; Freddie was obviously, almost painfully, excited. She teased him by planting some baby kisses on his erect member through his underwear before sliding it down his legs and then slowly rising to her feet.

Carly threw her arms around Freddie's neck as his hands slid up her skirt. He pulled her close to his body as their tongues fought for dominance inside each other's mouth. Deciding it was time to reciprocate; Freddie broke the kiss and began removing Carly's blouse. The buttons on Carly's blouse were smaller than those on his shirt and he found it difficult to undo them with his larger hands. After fighting to get two of the buttons undone, his impatience combined with his eagerness to completely frustrate him and he decided to speed things along by simply ripping the blouse open, exposing Carly's lace bra underneath.

They shared a laugh; Carly had to admit that Freddie's display was an incredible turn-on for her. She couldn't wait for Freddie to unhook her bra; she quickly did that herself while Freddie tossed her ruined blouse to the side. Returning his full attention to Carly, Freddie drew the pink nipple of her left breast into his mouth and worked his tongue around it in a pattern he knew she liked. Carly moaned softly and held his head in place with her hands on the back of his head. After a couple of minutes Freddie switched to her other breast and let his hands roam her lower back until he found the zipper on the back of her skirt. As he unzipped Carly's skirt and began to lower it down her long legs he kissed his way down her flat stomach.

Carly was just as excited as Freddie; he could feel the heat radiating from her. He slid a finger under the band of her matching lace panties on either hip and slowly lowered the garment down to her feet. He deftly left a trail of kisses up the inside of each of Carly's thighs, stopping just short of her most sensitive of areas each time. Freddie knew how to tease Carly just as much as she knew how to tease him. Grinning, he stood back up and embraced Carly once again. Their naked bodies now pressed together, their skin tingling with anticipation, Carly whispered, "Take me now. I can't wait any longer."

Freddie scooped Carly up in his arms and laid her down on his bed; his eyes never leaving hers. He reached into the drawer of his nightstand and pulled out a condom. Over the years whenever Freddie had thought about this moment he had always worried that he would not be able to open the condom wrapper easily. He thankfully had no problems now and was able to slide it on with a minimum of difficulty.

Kneeling between Carly's legs, Freddie gently parted them. Carly was completely open to him now in every way; emotionally and mentally as well as physically. Carefully he entered her; steadily pushing in deeper until he reached her barrier. Being careful not to be too rough, he pushed through with slightly more pressure. Carly gasped and winced momentarily; the discomfort quickly passed and soon Freddie was making love to her with measured strokes.

Nothing they had ever done before could compare to the pleasure they were both feeling now. They had each dreamed of this moment for a long time, but even their most vivid dreams could not match the actual experience. Besides the physical coupling they were enjoying there was an emotional coupling that they never imagined could be possible. They were not just two lovers; they were two people in love, the deepest love possible.

Their bodies quickly fell into rhythm with one another. As Freddie's pressed in Carly's rose up to meet him. The only sounds in the room were their moans of pleasure and quickened breathing. Eventually both of them began to breathe in a more ragged manner; the pace of their thrusts grew more intense. They were in such synch that their bodies began to reach climax simultaneously. Carly screamed Freddie's name as her body achieved the most intense orgasm of her young life. In the throes of their respective climaxes Carly and Freddie grew as close as two human beings could ever become. For a few moments they were truly one person in body, mind, and most importantly, soul. It was impossible to tell where one ended and the other began.

As their orgasms faded Freddie slowed down his pace until he finally lied down next to his beloved. Some cliché's are apparently true; he found himself exhausted. Carly curled up next to him, her head resting on his chest. Their bodies were flushed from the love-making and the warmth coming off of Freddie comforted Carly. Freddie gently stroked her hair and after a minute noticed Carly was crying very softly.

"Are you ok? Did I hurt you?" Freddie was concerned.

Carly shook her head no, "Not at all. It's just…I've dreamed about losing my virginity for a long time. I always imagined the most romantic scenarios but knew that in the back of my mind that it probably wouldn't live up to those dreams. I'm just so happy right now because it did live up to those dreams."

Freddie smiled, "You deserve to have all your dreams come true."

Carly lifted her head from Freddie's chest and leaned up to kiss him deeply on the lips. "I love you more than anything possible."

"I love you too Carly, I can't put into words how much I love you."

* * *

While Freddie and Carly were making love in Freddie's bedroom, Derek and Sam were dancing in his. Even though they had both hated learning ballroom dancing as youngsters, they found that dancing like that together now was exciting. They were both naturals with fluid, graceful movements that complemented each other perfectly. Sometimes they would dance for hours together when they could be alone at Derek's house. It was something secret, something they shared only with each other, almost as if they were engaging in some sort of illicit activity. Eventually the song ended and Derek twirled Sam perfectly so that she wound up with her back pressed against his body in perfect synch. Derek couldn't help himself; he leaned down and nibbled on Sam's neck.

"You are so beautiful Sam Puckett. You know that don't you?" Derek's voice was just a little strained; he was always awed at just how beautiful she was when she danced. She had a grace and fluidity of movement that could never be taught. Truthfully, Sam really did not think that she was beautiful. She was more insecure about her appearance than she ever let on. Not even Carly knew the true depths of her insecurity. Sam tended to feel like she was heavy, especially when compared to Carly, with a backside that was way too large. Even though most teenage girls fretted over having too small a bust size, Sam felt awkward when hers began to quickly expand. It was the primary reason she tended to wear multiple shirts all the time.

This insecurity was the reason she was so nervous right now. She and Derek had not progressed very far physically with each other, certainly not as far as Carly and Freddie. Heavy petting over their clothes was the furthest they had gone, though they often had marathon make-out sessions. Derek instinctively understood that Sam was hesitant about going further and did not want to push her beyond what she was comfortable doing.

When Carly and Melanie convinced her earlier in the week that she should further her physical relationship with Derek, and she replied by telling him that she wanted to make love to him, he was pleasantly surprised. He certainly was sexually attracted to Sam and he could never understand her insecurity. He wasn't sure what had happened to make her want to make love to him, but he wasn't about to question things.

Sam turned around and kissed Derek on the lips. "I think it's time."

Derek returned her kiss passionately, "Are you ready?"

Sam nodded her head, "Can I get ready in your bathroom."

Sam grabbed the bag she had brought with her and made her way to Derek's bathroom. In the meantime Derek got undressed and lied down in his bed, leaving enough space for Sam next to him.

In the bathroom Sam got undressed and inspected herself in the mirror. She thought she was too heavy, her butt too big and her breasts unwieldy. She exhaled slowly; still, Derek must like her she finally conceded to herself. They had been dating four months and he was always telling her how beautiful she was. Sam sprayed some perfume on herself exactly where Melanie told her she should. She did not know what the perfume was, but Melanie said it was one of her favorites and had loaned it to Sam. Sam took the robe she had also borrowed from Melanie and slipped it on. It was a short silk robe that Melanie admitted she always felt sexy wearing. Sam had to admit that Melanie had a point. After a couple minutes spent touching up her makeup and fixing her hair Sam finally felt as ready as she possibly could.

She opened the door and then a thought occurred to her. "Could you please turn out the lights? Please?"

Derek inwardly grinned. Despite her often-times aggressive attitude, Sam could be extremely old fashioned about certain things. He dutifully turned out the light and went back to his position on the bed. As Sam started slowly walking across the room Derek was glad he had turned out the lights. The moonlight coming in through the bedroom windows shone in such a way as it seemed like a spotlight. To Derek Sam looked like the most beautiful woman, the most beautiful of god's creations, in all of existence.

Sam eventually reached the side of the bed. Her legs felt like jelly and her arms were trembling. She hated being naked; the only man who had ever seen her naked was her family doctor. Sam changed as quickly as possible for gym class and not even Carly ever saw her with all of her clothes off. For Sam taking her robe off would be the ultimate sign of trust. She undid the sash and slowly slid the soft robe off of her shoulders. She let the robe fall to the floor and stood before Derek.

For a second all of Derek's breath left his body. The moonlight shone off of Sam's skin in such a way to appear absolutely angelic. Her eyes shone brilliantly, an even deeper shade of blue if that was even possible. Derek had spent a lot of time over the last several months picturing what Sam would look like naked. Nowhere in his imagination was he able to picture anything this perfect, this magnificent. Finally coming back to his senses, he held out his hand and helped her into bed next to him.

As soon as their hands touched Derek knew something was wrong. Sam was more than trembling now, she was downright shaking. He helped Sam settle into the bed next to him. They kissed each other tenderly on the lips, but Sam was still reticent.

Derek stroked Sam's cheek, "What's the matter Sam?"

"Nothing, I'm fine, really." Sam tried to sound convincing but failed miserably.

"No you're not. You're shaking, you can't look me in the eyes and your breathing is erratic. You are not fine."

"I'm just a little scared, it's ok."

"No it's not, sweetie, if you're this scared….you're not ready." Derek was disappointed, but he did his best not to show it.

Sam sighed, she was scared in a way she had never been in her life, but she didn't want to disappoint Derek. "You're ready and I want to…please you."

Derek shook his head. "Sam, I will be ready on the day that you are. Not one day sooner."

"But…"

"Not one day before that Sam. I love you more than you can imagine. The first time we truly make love I want you to enjoy it as much as I will and I want you to do it because you want to, not because you feel you have to."

Sam started to cry a little bit; not because she was sad, but because she had never felt this loved, this appreciated in her life. It was ironic in that Derek was demonstrating his true feelings by not having sex with her, but to Sam that is what made him special. Pretty much any other guy in Ridgeway would have pressured her into having intercourse regardless of her feelings and been done already. Derek truly cared about how she felt and their relationship for the long term. Sam did not know what she had done to deserve someone like Derek.

"I'm sorry Derek."

"Don't be, Sam. Don't be." Derek stroked her hair.

"Is it ok if I curl up with you here in bed?"

Derek smiled, "I think I'll be ok with the most beautiful woman in the entire world curling up naked with me in bed."

Sam rested her head on Derek's chest and returned his smile. "Let me know when she gets here."

The two young, near lovers snuggled close together in bed. After a few minutes it was obvious to Sam that Derek was aroused. Derek thought he had never been this aroused in his life; it was possible he could punch a hole in the wall with his erection. "I'm sorry Sam, I can't really help it," Derek said sheepishly.

Sam came to a decision. Maybe she was not ready to give up her virginity, but that did not mean she couldn't do other things. She kissed Derek's chest and pushed the covers off of their bodies. Sam turned to face Derek, "Is it ok if I…touch it?"

Derek nodded and Sam slowly let her hand trail down his stomach and she tentatively wrapped her left hand around his swollen member. Sam was fascinated; she had never seen a penis in person before. They had gone through sex ed in school but that was not nearly the same thing. She and Carly had seen part of a porno movie online when they were 12, more out of curiosity than anything. She remembered that they had been more scared by what they saw than fascinated.

Now with Derek's at her disposal Sam was anxious to explore. She massaged it and eventually began stroking it. She noted how Derek gasped when she teased the head and how his breathing grew quick and shallow as she started to stroke more steadily. Sam couldn't take her eyes off it; it seemed so large to her, though in truth she had no idea if Derek was large, small or just average. She had nothing to compare it to.

Derek began to moan and Sam felt his erection stiffen suddenly. She kept stroking as Derek climaxed, his seed spewing over his stomach. Sam let go as his erection began to subside. She was amazed at what she had just seen; it was as if he was never going to stop ejaculating. His stomach was covered in white semen.

Sam sat up; Derek had a look on his face of pure contentment. She smiled, she actually felt proud that she could please Derek that way, even if it wasn't exactly what he had been hoping for. She kissed him on the lips, "How do you feel?"

"You are the most wonderful girlfriend in the world Sam. I love you so much."

"I love you too Derek, I'm sorry it's not what you wanted…"

"Don't say that. What I want is for you to be happy."

"I am Derek, I am so happy. Wait here."

Sam got up out of the bed and went into the bathroom to get a damp washcloth. When she returned she carefully cleaned Derek's abdomen. When she was finished she lied back down next to Derek. They kissed for a bit and then Derek asked, "Sam, do you trust me?"

"Of course I do, now more than ever."

"I'd like to return the favor." Derek leaned over and began to suck on Sam's right breast. His tongue lightly circled her erect nipple; Sam's moaning told him he was on the right track. He let his hands wander down to her right thigh. He gently parted her thighs and let his hand slide up to her most sensual of places. Sam was very wet, her arousal obvious. He felt his way and began to gently stroke and massage her sex.

Sam decided she was ready for this. Being almost 17 years old Sam had, of course, masturbated. She used her own experience in that area to guide Derek's hand with her own. In very short order Sam found her own orgasm welling inside of her. Holding Derek's hand in place Sam arched her back and moaned his name as her orgasm swept through her.

After a few minutes Sam's body relaxed and her breathing returned to normal. She relinquished Derek's hand and wrapped her arms around his body. Sam had never felt that much pleasure before, no amount of bacon or ham could ever eclipse what she had just experienced. "I love you so much Derek."

"I love you too Sam."

The two snuggled in each other's arms, content and suddenly sleepy. As Sam rested her head on Derek's chest and drifted off to a peaceful slumber, for the first time in her life she thought that maybe she could be beautiful after all.

* * *

**Author's Note. Ok, I hope nobody was too weirded out by all that. The next chapter will be the one where a beloved iCarly character….dies. Yes, dies forever as far as this story goes. So enjoy the good feelings now while they last. The next chapter is 95% finished (just getting a few revisions now) and should be posted in a few days; sorry, I want to build a little suspense. Ironically most of it was written before this chapter. Yes, I have an easier time writing angsty and depressing material than tender love scenes. I don't know what that says about me. Am I worried? Maybe a little.**

**Thank you to everyone reading this story and putting it on their favorites or alert lists. I appreciate the fact that so many people are following it. Special thanks to everyone who has been taking the time to leave reviews. Feedback is always appreciated; as long as it is thoughtful I don't care if it is positive or negative.**


	25. A Death In The Family

**Author's Note. At the end of the last chapter everyone was in a pretty good place. That changes here. When this chapter begins approximately 6 weeks have passed since Valentine's weekend. Be warned, the character death I warned about happens in this chapter. While you were warned about that, and I gave hints to some people who sent me a personal message, I was not completely honest. While there is only one death in this chapter, I made no promises about collateral damage. Please enjoy and be prepared to possibly cry.**

* * *

The last Friday in March of 2011 was dragging for Sam Puckett. She sat in her sixth period history class bemoaning the slowness of the clock and missing Derek. Mr. McKrell was going on about the Treaty of Versailles and Sam could not care less. It was the last day of school before spring break and she wanted nothing more than for the final bell of the day to ring. Just two more periods to go, she thought.

Sam gazed out the window and let her thoughts drift to Derek, as they often did. His parents were going on vacation Sunday and would be gone for the first week of Ridgeway's two week spring break. With some reluctance they agreed to let Derek stay by himself at home that week with Louisa keeping up with the housework and cooking. It was left unsaid, but understood by everyone, that if Derek had any trouble he could go to Louisa.

Sam was not worried about Derek; she knew he could take care of himself. What she cared about was being able to spend most of those nights alone with him at his house. Since the night they had spent alone together Valentine's weekend, where they did not wind up "going all the way", their relationship had grown even closer. Sam knew that Derek had wanted to have sex with her, and she had been willing, but had grown too nervous and insecure at the last moment and changed her mind. Derek had had every right to be furious with her but he was not. He simply told her that when she was ready then he would be ready. Sensing the insecurity she was feeling, he instead made love to her in other ways; ways that made her feel better about herself as well as giving her the most intense sexual gratification. She had, of course, pleased Derek as well and since that night they had continued exploring different ways of pleasing each other that did not involve intercourse whenever the opportunity arose.

Sam was hoping an empty house and no school for an entire week would give her and Derek ample study time together. She was also thinking she might be ready to finally surrender herself fully to Derek. She was thinking about telling him that night, they were supposed to watch movies with Carly and Freddie. She was extremely deep in thought mulling over exactly how to tell him when her Mr. McKrell's voice intruded sternly.

"Sam Puckett, are you with us?" Mr. McKrell repeated more loudly, his voice seemingly laced with a tinge of anger over having his lesson interrupted.

"Yes, I'm here." Sam gave her full attention to her history teacher.

"Principal Franklin is here to see you. He says it's important."

Sam got up from her desk and gathered her books and materials. Carly was in the same class and gave Sam a look that asked what she did now. Sam shrugged as she hurried out the door to the waiting principal. She couldn't think of anything she had done that could get her into any trouble with the school.

Principal Franklin's tone was serious and a bit somber. "Sam we need to go to my office. Something has happened and we need to talk."

Sam did not know how to answer that. Without any further words she began following Principal Franklin down to the first floor and the school's office suite. She was curious to know what business was so important that it warranted having the principal himself come for her. She sensed that asking about it wouldn't help so she resigned herself to being surprised once they reached his office.

It wasn't long before Sam and Principal Franklin entered his office to find Roberta Garner, the Puckett's next door neighbor waiting for them. Sam was surprised; Roberta was probably her mother's only friend who did not come with a bottle or glass of alcohol permanently attached. Whenever Mrs. Puckett's drinking got out of control Sam could go next door to Roberta's for a meal or to hang out if Carly wasn't a viable option. Sam thought of her as another aunt, one who was far more responsible and caring than most members of the Puckett clan.

Sam was about to say hello and ask what she was doing there when she looked closely at Roberta's face. She had obviously been crying and she had a grim look etched on her face. It dawned on Sam why Roberta must have been there. "Something's happened to Mom, hasn't it?" Sam thought that any number of bad things could have happened to her mother; she was an alcoholic and alcoholics were nothing if not accident-prone.

Principal Franklin took a half-step back and let Roberta take the lead. "Sam, dear, you need to sit down." Sam sat down on one of the two guest chairs in the office. This must be bad, she thought, mom must be seriously hurt or even dead. Sam was pondering why that thought did not upset her more when Roberta continued, "Sam, something has happened to Melanie. I'm so sorry, but Melanie died."

That was not what Sam expected to hear; her mother was supposed to be hurt or deceased, not Melanie. "What? Melanie is….dead? What happened?"

Roberta knelt down in front of Sam, "I got a call from your aunt in Spokane, Melanie's school called her when they could not reach your mother. Melanie did not show up for work at the library this morning; around 9:00 someone went to her dorm room to see if she was ok. The building manager let her into Melanie's room and they found her in bed. At first it appeared she was sleeping but when they tried to wake her they could tell she was not breathing. They attempted CPR and called the paramedics but it was too late. An autopsy is being done today, but they don't know yet why she died. It does appear, though, that she died peacefully in her sleep."

Sam didn't know what to do, she couldn't believe it. Melanie dead? How could she be dead, she was 16 years old. Healthy 16 year old girls just did not die all the sudden. Sam's breath grew ragged; she felt herself filling with various emotions. She was trying not to cry, she did not want either Principal Franklin or Roberta to see her lose control of her emotions. "Principal Franklin, could you please get Derek Chambers for me? Please, I need Derek, I think he's in…I think he's in…I'm sorry I can't remember. Please."

"It's ok Sam, I'll send for Derek now." Principal Franklin left the office to have one of the aides there page Derek. He walked back to his office to find Roberta still keeling in front of Sam.

"Are you ok sweetie? Your mother's at home now with my husband. Your aunt is on her way from Spokane now."

Sam nodded her head yes. She was not going to let them see how much she was hurting. Even if they could guess, she wasn't going to show them. She just had to hang on until Derek got there; Derek would take care of her. It wasn't long before he entered the office. He knew what had happened, Principal Franklin had seen him approaching and told him just outside.

Derek was certain Sam needed to let her emotions out but wouldn't do it in front of anyone else if she could at all help it. He looked at Roberta and then to Principal Franklin, "Ma'am, sir, could you please leave us alone for a few minutes?" Principal Franklin nodded and he and Roberta left quietly.

Sam could no longer keep her tears at bay; they started flowing freely down her cheeks. "Melanie….Melanie's…." Sam couldn't get the words out.

Derek kneeled in front of Sam and took her into his arms. He held her close wishing he could it make it all better for her. "I know, I know. I'm so sorry Sam."

Sam's crying turned to uncontrollable sobbing; her grief could no longer be contained. "Why? Melanie never hurt anyone. Why did she have to die?"

Derek continued to hold Sam as her tears began staining his shirt. Sam's tiny body actually began to tremble and shake; she wailed into his shoulder, his closeness bringing her some badly needed comfort and security. After several minutes Sam's wailing settled to gentle sobbing, though she held onto Derek tightly as if her own life depended on it.

Principal Franklin opened the door of his office and quietly stepped inside. "Are you ok Sam?"

Derek answered for her, "She needs to go home now. Is it ok if I take her?" Principal Franklin nodded his agreement. "Sam, do you want to stop by your locker before we leave?"

Sam quietly shook her head no. To Derek it did not look like Sam had the strength or the will to walk under her own power. He helped her stand up and was ready to carry her if the need arose, but Sam managed to slowly walk under her own power, though she refused to let go of Derek's hand. Derek asked Principal Franklin if he would inform Freddie of what had happened and that he and Carly would need to make arrangements to get home. Principal Franklin agreed and Roberta, Derek and Sam slowly made their way out of the offices and through the halls of Ridgeway to the shared student/visitor parking lot.

Derek watched Roberta pull her car out of her space and leave the parking lot. He quickly texted his father and mother letting them know what had happened and that he would be with Sam. He looked over to her sitting in the passenger seat. Her eyes were pointed straight ahead but it did not appear she was actually seeing anything. "Sam, do you need anything?" Sam turned her head to face him, but she did not say anything. Derek noticed she had forgotten to fasten her seat belt; he reminded her but she still did not reply. He reached over and did it for her and then pulled out of the lot himself.

The early afternoon traffic was light and it wasn't long before Derek parked his car in front of Sam's house. There was a car in the driveway that he did not recognize. Roberta did say Sam's aunt was coming from Spokane. He got out of the car and quickly walked around the front and helped Sam out of the passenger door. She was still in a daze; Derek walked her up to the front door and into her house. There was a man Derek did not recognize sitting on the living room couch. He got up as soon as Derek and Sam walked in.

"Sam, I'm so sorry." He embraced Sam tightly.

"I'm sorry too Uncle Jack." Sam returned his embrace; she always liked her Uncle Jack even if Aunt Millie sometimes got on her nerves. They separated and Sam motioned to Derek, "This is my boyfriend Derek."

Uncle Jack extended his hand to Derek, "I've heard a lot about you. It's nice to meet you."

Derek returned the handshake, "Nice to meet you too sir. I'm just sorry it has to be like this."

"Sam, your mother is in the dining room with Millie and your neighbor who just got here." Sam and Derek headed for the dining room; Uncle Jack took Derek gently by the arm and held him back.

As Sam approached the dining room table she could hear her mother crying. Pam was talking to Roberta and Millie facing away from Sam. She had no idea anyone was behind her. Sam was about to say something when her mother wailed, "Why did Melanie have to die? Why? She was the good one; she had such a bright future. Why couldn't it be Sam?"

Everyone in the room gasped except for Sam and her mother. Aunt Millie couldn't believe it, "Pam! What are you saying? You can't mean that."

Sadly, Sam could believe it. Without saying a word she turned right around and ran out of her house as fast as she possibly could. She never heard her mother reproach herself and almost immediately take back what she said. Sam blew by Derek and Uncle Jack without pausing a second. It took a moment for Derek to gather his wits but he took off out the door and ran after Sam.

Sam ran and ran; without thinking of where she was going she found herself running to a nearby park. It was her and Melanie's favorite place to play as little girls. Sam stopped at the swings and sat down on one of them, her tears flowing freely and stinging her eyes. Derek caught up to her less than a minute later and sat on the swing next to her.

Sam had difficulty talking through her tears. "She hates me. She wishes I were dead now. How could she…"

"Sam, I'm sure your mother didn't mean it, she's just upset." Derek used his best soothing voice.

Sam did not believe it. "Yes she did. Melanie was always her favorite. Always. Melanie was the one who was better behaved, good manners, and excellent grades. Melanie was her pride and joy. I was just extra baggage, the one she never wanted."

"That's not true Sam, it's not."

"She wishes that I was dead right now." Sam looked down towards her feet. "She's right, you know. If one of us had to die it should have been me."

Derek did not want to hear it; Sam beat herself far too frequently. He got off the swing and got down on one knee in front of Sam. "Don't ever say that. Your mother….your mother has problems. I can't believe she wishes you were dead Sam. Please don't you for one second believe that yourself."

Sam looked down at Derek; her tears had slowed considerably though her eyes were still red and puffy. "I miss her; I'm never going to get to speak to her again. Why did she have to die?"

"Pork chop, I don't know the answer to that, I wish I did. I wish I could bring her back, but I can't. I'm sorry."

Sam nodded her head slowly, "Please, I don't want to be alone."

"I'll be with you forever and that will never change."

* * *

The days passed with very little for Sam but heartache and depression. The day after Melanie died Sam tried to talk to her mother but to no avail. Her mother sat in her bed and did nothing more than glare at Sam. Pam Puckett was dealing with her own depression and couldn't find the desire or the wherewithal to help Sam with hers. Pam just wanted to withdraw from the world and wallow in her own grief and misery. Aunt Millie tried to get through to her sister and tell her that Sam was hurting and needed her mother, but she had no luck.

Aunt Millie and Uncle Jack stayed at the house and did their best to help with the funeral arrangements. Sam went with Aunt Millie to the funeral home on that Sunday to start making plans for the wake and funeral. Pam refused to leave her bedroom and said she didn't care what was done. Sam wasn't expecting to have to go and called Derek and asked him to meet her there instead of waiting to go to the house. She thought she might need his support; no, she knew she would need his support.

Derek and his father were waiting at the funeral home when Sam and her Aunt Millie arrived. Sam was surprised to see Derek's father, he and Derek's mother were supposed to leave on vacation that morning.

Derek's father embraced Sam and held her close, "How are you holding up kiddo?"

Sam felt comforted by Mr. Chambers' embrace. Her mother had ignored her the past few days and, even though she did not know it consciously, she craved the attention of a parental figure. "I'm holding up. Aren't you supposed to be on vacation?"

"We cancelled. Do you need anything?"

Sam shook her head and broke the embrace. "Mr. Chambers this is my Aunt Millie, Aunt Millie this is Mr. Chambers."

Derek's father extended his hand, "Please call me John."

Aunt Millie took his hand, "Millie." Derek led Sam inside the funeral home while Millie stayed back with Mr. Chambers. "Derek's a real fine boy, Mr. Chambers. I don't know what Sam would do right now without him."

"I'm glad, he really is a good kid and so is Sam." John lowered his voice, making sure Sam could not hear, "Where is Sam's mother?"

Millie sighed, "She wouldn't come, said she didn't care what arrangements we made. She's not taking things well at all."

John sighed himself. He had an extremely low opinion of Sam's mother. She had gone off with her latest boyfriend over the Christmas holiday, leaving Sam and Melanie to fend for themselves. It would be an understatement to say that John and his wife were horrified. In their households growing up, Christmas was a special time of the year when family always came first. John couldn't believe Pam would not want to see Melanie and spend the holiday with her daughters. He had attended boarding schools himself and always looked forward to school holidays when he could visit his family.

The girls had seemed unfazed by their mother's behavior, but the Chambers insisted that both of them spend Christmas Eve and Christmas Day at the house with them. John knew from experience that boarding school could be difficult and that dorm rooms were not the most comfortable. He had also grown fond of Sam and was determined to give her an enjoyable Christmas once he found out the Puckett's never hung stockings and rarely even bothered to get a tree. He was also impressed with Melanie upon meeting her and they had bonded quickly over their respective boarding school/dorm room stories.

Now Melanie was dead and Sam was clearly hurting; with Pam of seemingly no help John decided to take it upon himself to help however he could. He followed Millie into the funeral home where they found one of the funeral coordinators talking with Sam and Derek. Once introductions were finished the five of them entered a conference room to plan Melanie's viewing and funeral.

Sam did fine composing the obituary and notice, but once everyone entered the showroom to select a casket she broke down. The thought of having to select the vessel Melanie's body would spend the rest of her time in proved too stressful. She tried to hold the tears back but couldn't; she fell against Derek to remain upright, he held her tight and kept her from falling. He comforted his girlfriend as best he could and led her out to the lobby when his father motioned that he would take care of things.

Once Derek and Sam had left the showroom the funeral director began discussing the different options. Derek's father stopped him and pointed to the most lavish and most expensive casket on display. "We'll take that one."

Millie looked uncomfortable and spoke quietly to John, "I'm not sure we can…afford that much. Neither Pam nor I have that much to spend."

John put his hand on Millie's shoulder, "Don't worry about the cost. I'll pay for everything."

Millie began to protest, "We can't…"

John cut her off, "Please, I want to do this. I really like Sam and was impressed with Melanie. I wish I could have known her better."

Millie looked at John; it was an incredibly generous offer, one she wasn't sure they could accept. "I don't know, this is too much."

John shook his head, "No it's not, it's the least I can do. Let me pay; you worry about planning a proper memorial. Please?"

Millie could tell this was important to him, she nodded her head, "Ok, but we're going to pay you back."

John knew there was some pride involved; he nodded his head as well. "Ok, but that can wait until later."

John and Millie walked out of the showroom together while the funeral director made arrangements for the casket. They found Derek and Sam sitting on a couch in the lobby; Sam had stopped crying.

John spoke first, "Derek, why don't you take Sam. We can take care of things here."

Derek looked at Sam, "Do you want to go?"

Sam nodded her head and looked at her Aunt Millie, "Are you sure?"

"John and I can take care of things. Why don't you two go out somewhere, maybe get some lunch?" Sam had hardly eaten since Friday; definitely not normal behavior for her and Millie hoped maybe getting away from the house would do her some good.

John agreed, "That's a good idea. Here, lunch is on me." He pulled out his wallet and took out five 20's and handed them to Derek.

Sam wasn't sure she could eat anything but she did not want to stay at the funeral home. She said her goodbyes and left while holding Derek's hand tightly. He and his father had driven separate cars; they got into his Camry and quickly pulled out of the parking lot. Derek wasn't quite sure what to do. He asked Sam if she was hungry, if she wanted to get a bite to eat, but she just shook her head no. Derek was at a loss, he really did not want to take Sam home, and she needed to be out of the house for a while.

A thought finally came to him. He took out his cell phone and called Spencer. Spencer, his father, Freddie and Carly had spent all the previous day with Sam at her house doing their best to support her. Even if they couldn't bring her much comfort, they figured they could at least be there to show their love. Sam still sat around in a depressive stupor the whole day but did appreciate having her friends around. Derek hoped that being in the Shay's apartment in Bushwell Plaza would do more to lift her spirits; it had always been a happy place for her.

* * *

It was five days after Melanie's death and Sam was just arriving at her wake with Derek and his parents on either side of her. Sam's depression had deepened to the point where her friends were worried about her health. She had eaten the bare minimum to keep functioning and had slept no more than a handful of hours each night. As the time passed she spent less and less time communicating with anyone. If someone asked if she needed anything, or asked how she was, she rarely answered in complete words. She might shrug her shoulders once in a while, but mostly she just replied with a blank stare.

Derek did his best to get through to Sam, but she seemed to be withdrawing mentally and emotionally, though she still craved physical contact with him. She was often holding his hand, or curled up in his arms; in fact Derek was spending every night at Sam's. He would hold her in bed and do his best to get her to fall asleep. As a result he was not sleeping very much either and was on the verge of exhaustion himself. Aunt Millie did her best to convince Pam to come out of her room and talk to Sam, but it was useless. She was going through her own mental and emotional meltdown and simply wasn't able to help anyone else with their own, even her own daughter.

If Sam were willing to honestly share her inner thoughts, or people were able to see inside her mind, they would be shocked and frightened at what they would find. Whenever Sam got depressed she tended to get deeply depressed. The previous fall, the last time she was seriously depressed, her thoughts had actually turned to suicide fantasies. Not that she consciously decided to kill herself, but she still thought about what it would be like. She never got to that point, and to her credit these thoughts really scared her, but the fact they were there in the first place was a dangerous sign. Unfortunately Sam never told anyone of her depressed feelings; the closest she got was telling Derek that at the time her thoughts went to some scary places.

Sam's thoughts went back to those places the previous Monday night, after it became clearer what happened to Melanie. Pending the results of the toxicology report which would take several weeks to be finished, the coroner was ruling Melanie's death an accident due to a fatal combination of antidepressants and pain killers. This had come as a surprise to Sam, she had no idea Melanie was taking an antidepressant; depression had never come up during any of their conversations. Melanie's doctor was adamant that he had never prescribed her any sort of pain killers. It turns out Melanie had fallen while jogging and twisted her knee and ankle pretty badly, but instead of going to her doctor she had gone to her roommate for help. Melanie's roommate suffered chronic back pain from a previous car accident and was prescribed Fentanyl for her pain management. She gave Melanie a dozen of her pills before leaving for spring break.

Sometime over the course of the week Melanie had taken all but two of the pills. Fentanyl is easy to overdose on even for those used to taking it; Melanie had no sort of opiate resistance and this might have killed her even without the antidepressant in her system. The coroner said her heart stopped while she was sleeping and that she went peacefully. The coroner stressed that it was a terrible accident and a lesson never to mix medications without a doctor's approval.

This was some comfort to Pam Puckett, her biggest fear was that Melanie had committed suicide, but Sam did not feel any better. Her closest relative was still dead and it did not matter to her if she died intentionally or accidentally. What mattered to Sam was that Melanie died alone; Sam felt like that as her sister, as her TWIN sister no less, she should have somehow known that Melanie was hurting. Sam was convinced that Melanie intentionally killed herself; Melanie was too smart to mix medications like that.

This thought process added an extremely dangerous mix to Sam's already present grief and depression: self-loathing. Sam thought that if she was depressed enough to think about suicide six months previous, then she should have known Melanie might have been thinking about it. Melanie had had a difficult breakup with her boyfriend and she lived essentially on her own at that boarding school. Of course she was depressed; it made perfect sense and Sam was positive she SHOULD have known. She SHOULD have talked to Melanie more, she SHOULD have made sure Melanie knew she could count on her, she SHOULD have known Melanie might kill herself.

She should have done lots of things, Sam thought. But she was not good enough; she was a terrible sister and a worse person. If people realized how she had failed Melanie they would shun her; Derek would leave her for certain. He deserved better than her, but she couldn't tell him that, while she knew she did not deserve him she still craved him. No, she couldn't tell him what she was feeling.

As Sam slowly made her way through the funeral home she could feel everyone's eyes on her. Melanie had an open casket; many people seemed discomfited at the thought of a person with the exact same appearance as the deceased walking among them. The Shays and the Bensons were off to one corner talking amongst them when they saw Sam and the Chambers. Nobody failed to notice how Sam's mother had sat stonily in her chair at the other end of the room and did not stir once as Sam entered the funeral home and made her way across the room.

Everyone embraced Sam and said they were sorry. Sam held the embrace with Mrs. Benson a little longer than was necessary. Mrs. Benson did not mind, she instinctively as a mother understood that Sam needed some maternal contact and she was happy she could provide it. After accepting everyone's condolences Sam's gaze went to Melanie's casket. Sam's discomfort was palpable; everyone there could only guess how difficult it must be to see one's identical twin in such a manner. While it was difficult for Sam, what really made her uncomfortable was her guilt and shame. Eventually Derek asked Sam if she wanted to go up. She nodded and took Derek's hand with her right one. Carly was standing to her immediate left and took Sam's other hand. Carly and Derek made eye contact and silently agreed they were ready and slowly led Sam up to the casket.

There was a kneeler in front of the casket. The trio kneeled down together with Sam in the middle. A few tears escaped Sam's eyes as she spoke directly to Melanie, "I'm sorry sis, please forgive me."

* * *

It was late the night of Melanie's funeral, six days after her death. For the first time that week Sam was alone. Derek was exhausted and had slept no more than a few hours any of the nights he had slept at Sam's. Sam finally convinced him to go home for at least one night and sleep in his own bed.

It was 30 minutes past midnight and Sam sat on her bed, alone and depressed, contemplating everything that had happened over the previous week. Officials from Melanie's school had packed up all of her belongings and shipped them to the Puckett house in Seattle. They currently resided in Sam's bedroom; Mrs. Puckett let her sister and brother-in-law know she did not want to see them.

Sam cried as she thought about Melanie once again. Whenever Sam was having especially nasty problems with their mother Melanie was the one she could talk with and confide in. Sam never wanted to let anyone outside the family, even Carly, know just how difficult things could be at home. When Sam had to be talked off the proverbial ledge it was Melanie who talked her down. Now Melanie was gone and Sam did not know what to do. Derek had made it clear she could tell him anything, and she had opened up to him about her mother more than anyone else who's last name was not Puckett, but she still did not feel she could tell him everything. Deep down she worried he would see her and her family for exactly what they were and decide to end their relationship.

Sam eyed the boxes sitting on the other side of her room. Most of them were Melanie's clothes but two were her personal effects. With sleep not coming any time soon, Sam got out of bed and sat down next to those boxes. She wondered if she would be able to figure out what Melanie was thinking just before she died if she sifted through her things.

Sam wiped tears from her eyes and opened the box in front of her. Inside were apparently the contents of Melanie's desk. There were some pictures of the two of them together, a few academic awards she had earned and with some rummaging a picture of her mother turned up. Sam found something else in the box; a prescription bottle. Sam read the label; Lexapro, 10mg tablets. This was Melanie's medication for her depression. Sam sat back against her bed; in her hand was the physical manifestation of Melanie's pain. Another wave of sobbing overcame Sam in that moment, "I'm sorry Mel, I'm sorry," Sam said hoping Melanie could somehow hear.

Sam wished she knew what Melanie was thinking during her last days. Was she depressed enough to kill herself with the Fentanyl? Was it just a stupid accident? Sam found herself momentarily consumed with a longing to know what Melanie experienced. Without giving much conscious thought to her actions Sam got up and went to her mother's bathroom. Her mother had gone out drinking once Aunt Millie and Uncle Jack had left and Sam had no concerns about her mother coming home and finding her. She opened the medicine cabinet and hunted through her mother's myriad prescription bottles. Alcoholism had made Pam Puckett very accident prone and she was always going to the doctor for minor accidents and the doctor invariably prescribed one pain killer or another. Sam found a bottle of Vicodin and snatched it off the shelf.

Sam looked around her mother's bedroom and spied a bottle of Jack Daniels on the nightstand. She grabbed the bottle and hurried back to her own bedroom. Sam sat back down on her bed and contemplated what she was about to do. In that moment her self-hatred and depression conspired to severely impair her ability to think rationally. All Sam wanted at that moment in time was to see her sister again and tell her she was sorry; sorry she couldn't help her, sorry that she couldn't be with her.

There were maybe a dozen Lexapro left in the bottle; Sam downed them all at once and washed them down with the Jack as best she could. The liquid tasted bitter and she had a hard time swallowing it. She managed however, and proceeded to do the same with the Vicodin, swallowing perhaps twice as many of the pills and swallowing more of the whiskey. Once finished Sam sat back and wondered what would happen. Would she just fall asleep and die peacefully like Melanie? Would she thrash and convulse on her bed?

Sam wondered what people would think as her eyes grew a little heavier. Freddie, Spencer, Carly and their father would be too busy to miss her much. Carly needed to be taken care of and who knew just how Carly's mind was working now? Her own mother would probably be overjoyed at the thought that Sam had finally died. Now she didn't have to bother with her at all. Sam's thoughts turned to Derek; Derek would miss her. Derek said he loved her and Sam thought that might be true. Suddenly Sam needed to do something; she needed to apologize to Derek, he would feel responsible even though it was Sam's idea that he go home early that night.

Sam groped for her cell phone on her nightstand. She found it and managed to hit the correct spot on the face to speed dial Derek's number.

"Sam?"

Sam's speech was slurred, "Derek, I'm sorry."

"What, Sam, what's going on?" Derek's voice was very concerned.

Sam's vision began to waver along with her speech and other motor faculties. "I'm sorry….all the pills…not your fault."

"Sam I'm calling 911. Try and get to a bathroom and throw up."

"Love….."

"Sam, you need to throw up."

Sam dropped the phone; she thought she needed more pills instead. She stood up unsteadily. Her mother had plenty of pills, all the pills she would need. Using her arms as a guide Sam began walking across her room. Her vision was swimming and she couldn't walk without swaying wildly from side to side. When she reached the hallway she carefully walked with her right hand on the wall to steady her. This worked reasonably well until she reached the stairs.

She was pushing against the wall as she walked and when she reached the staircase her arm fell forward along with most of her weight. Instinctively Sam tried to correct and balance herself, but it was too late. Her right foot planted too far over the edge of the top of the stairs. Sam tripped and fell head first; fortunately for her she did not tumble straight forward but instead fell at an angle. The back of her head slammed into the handrail, rendering her unconscious. This was another fortunate thing in her favor; she most likely would not have been able to bear what happened to her next.

The back of Sam's tiny, defenseless body slammed into the hard wooden stairs. Even if she were awake Sam might not have been able to hear the soft cracking noises emanating from her spine. She then tumbled head over heels down the stairs. Her left arm got caught at an odd angle and her forearm snapped grotesquely. She would certainly have heard that; it sounded like a small firearm going off. Sam came to rest at the bottom of the stairs; her head making and audible thump when it slammed into the hard floor at the bottom.

Perhaps it was for the best Sam was completely unconscious. Her body lied at a painfully unnatural angle, one of the bones of her left forearm had broken through the skin and blood from a gash opened up on her head was quickly pooling around her. At that moment in time she was more dead than alive.

* * *

**Author's Note. This was another long chapter that happens to be pretty sad. I don't know why, but everything I have written for this story lately has been long. I hope you do not mind. Yes, there was only one death in this chapter, but there are no guarantees in future ones. If I may quote one of history's great economists, "In the long run we are all dead." While Keynes was discussing economic theory, the quote is also applicable to literature (plus I actually got to use some of my economic education here, so there's that). Basically no character is necessarily safe forever.**

**Thank you to everyone reading and following this story. I appreciate all who have left reviews. Reviews and private messages are my only true feedback and I value all I can get. **


	26. Going Back To The Hospital

Derek drove through the late night streets of Seattle with total reckless abandon. He ignored all traffic lights when the intersection was clear and scowled when he was forced to stop and wait his turn. He had called 911 as soon as he hung up with Sam and told them his girlfriend had taken a fatal overdose of pills; after directing them to Sam's address he had literally fled his house and driven off as fast as possible. He hoped he would get to Sam before they left; he did not know if her mother was home, and even if she was he did not trust her judgment one bit.

As he drove Derek berated himself for his own lack of judgment. He knew Sam was still hurting but let her talk him into going home for the night. How could he be so fucking stupid? Sam was prone to getting depressed; he knew that, he should never have left her alone. He hoped he would get the chance to atone for his mistake. Derek was not raised in any sort of religious environment, and he had never once seriously prayed in his life; but now he prayed to whatever God was there that he or she please take care of Sam and keep her alive.

Sam's house was normally a 20 minute drive with traffic; Derek finally arrived there less than 10 minutes after leaving his own. There were no vehicles in the driveway, her mother must still be out, he thought. He was disappointed that the ambulance had not yet arrived. Quickly, Derek pulled into the driveway and jumped out of his car before it barely had a chance to stop. As he ran up the walkway to the front porch he heard the sound of the approaching ambulance.

As Derek ran up the stairs of the porch he noted that no lights were on downstairs. He couldn't see any lights on upstairs either, but Sam's bedroom faced the rear of the house. He rang the doorbell and loudly knocked on the door, but received no response. Two EMT's quickly exited the ambulance soon after it was parked behind Derek in the driveway. They hastily made their way to the front door with a stretcher in tow.

The first EMT spoke quickly to Derek, "Is anyone home?"

"My girlfriend is inside; I called you. Nobody is answering."

The EMT thought for a second, "You think her life is in immediate danger?" Derek nodded; the EMT told him to stand back and kicked in the door with one strong blow. The door flew open, the wood splintered where the flimsy lock used to be. Derek was the first one inside; the room was dark with little to no light, but he knew where a lamp was and turned it on.

As soon as the room was illuminated Sam became immediately visible. She was lying at the bottom of the wooden staircase. The right side of her head was resting on the hardwood floor; blood still pooling around her. The rest of her body was resting mostly on its back against the stairs at a small angle from her head. Her left arm was bent at a near 90 degree angle roughly halfway between her wrist and elbow. It took Derek a moment to realize that particular spot on her arm was not in fact her elbow. Please god, please, he kept thinking as the EMT's quickly rushed to her side.

The first EMT pressed two fingers against Sam's neck. "She has a pulse, it's faint, though. Juan, get the neck brace and backboard. She may have a spinal injury." Juan went out to get the necessary equipment. The first, so far nameless EMT spoke to Derek, "We were told she overdosed. Do you know with what?"

Derek shook his head, "No. I can run upstairs and see what I can find."

"Do it, can you get around her?"

Derek didn't bother to answer; instead he concentrated on getting around Sam without disturbing her body. Once he got passed he began taking the stairs two at a time. He went to her bedroom first; he immediately noticed the bottle of Jack Daniels on the nightstand. He poked around the covers at the head of her bed but did not find anything. He got down on his knees and peered into the space between the nightstand and the bed. It was there he spied a pair of medication bottles. He moved the nightstand aside and grabbed both of them, reading the labels as he moved out of the bedroom. One was for Lexapro and made out to Melanie. The other was for Vicodin and made out to her mother.

From the top of the stairs Derek could see the EMT's carefully moving Sam onto the hard backboard. He wished they could move faster; Sam needed to be in a hospital, but he knew that what the EMT's did now could be the difference between Sam walking again or living her life as a quadriplegic. He kept quiet while they worked, he certainly did not want to distract them. The first EMT kept talking to Sam, "Hang on. Stay with us. You're doing fine." Derek did not know if Sam could hear anything but he appreciated the sentiment.

Derek came down the stairs once the EMT's appeared to have her completely strapped to the gurney. As the first EMT shone a light in Sam's eyes Derek handed Juan the pill bottles.

"Ok, Danny, the girl took Lexapro and Vicodin."

Derek interjected, "Also Jack Daniels. There was a bottle upstairs near the pills."

The first EMT, now christened Danny, nodded. "It's not great, but it could be worse. She's breathing on her own and has a faint pulse. Let's move. Do you want to ride with us kid?"

Derek nodded yes and followed the men out of Sam's house. For a second he worried about leaving the door open; Sam did not live in the worst part of Seattle, but it's not like it was a gated community. Still, it was a pretty easy decision for him; there was no way he was leaving Sam ever again. The house could burn down for all he cared.

* * *

Derek sat forlornly in the waiting area of the emergency room staring down at his feet. He noticed a red spot on the side of his shoe; a bit of Sam's blood he must have tracked. Blood Sam would never have lost if he hadn't been an idiot and left her alone. He sighed and wished he could be with Sam now. When they had arrived in the ambulance the EMT's had quickly rushed her inside where a team of doctors was already waiting. He started to watch as the doctors and nurses began working on her but was led away by a nurse he did not see coming. The nurse asked him some basic questions; was Sam allergic to any medication, when did she call him, had she been depressed. He answered them all to the best of his ability and then was told to sit in the emergency room waiting area.

That was almost 90 minutes ago. Not long after he sat down a nurse at the front desk had called him over and asked if he was related to Sam in any way. When he replied no she asked where her parent or legal guardian was. Probably in a bar or unconscious outside of a bar he replied. The nurse did not appreciate that answer; Derek told her he had tried calling her cell phone with no luck, but he would continue. It occurred to him the Sam's Aunt Millie would be her next of kin. He called and woke her up; after quickly explaining the situation he handed the phone over to the nurse. The nurse spoke with Millie for a few minutes and appeared relieved. As it turned out, Sam and Melanie were on Millie and Jack's health insurance. The nurse gave the phone back to Derek; Millie told him she and Jack would get moving back to Seattle as soon as they could and that she had authorized Derek and his father to be given information on Sam's condition. Derek thanked her and they hung up.

Now almost an hour and a half later Derek found himself looking at Sam's blood on his shoe and still seriously questioning his own judgment. He was staring at his foot when he sensed someone approaching; hoping it was a nurse, he couldn't quite hide his disappointment when that wasn't the case. He was still glad to see his father however.

"Hi Dad. I'm sorry I had to wake you up. I thought you'd want to know where I was at least."

John sat down next to his son and wrapped his left arm around Derek's shoulders. It was a gesture he had done more when Derek was younger, but not in the last several years. Derek found it to be comforting. "Want to tell me what happened?"

Derek paused, trying to get everything straight in his head, he was still pretty tired. "Sam called me around 12:30. Her speech was slurred and she kept saying she was really sorry. She then mentioned something about pills, taking the pills. She has been really depressed this week; I thought she might have taken an overdose. I called 911 and then got to her house as fast as I could. I got there just before the EMT's and we busted in. Somehow Sam had fallen down the stairs and messed herself up pretty bad. There was a lot of blood and her left arm…." Derek's voice trailed off. Thinking about what her arm looked like made him nauseous. "We came here and this is it. I've tried calling her mother with no success; I called Sam's Aunt Millie, her and Jack should hopefully be on their way. Thankfully Sam is on their insurance. I just haven't heard anything since coming out here."

Derek's father nodded. "Wait here, I'm going to talk to the nurse." Derek's father stood and walked over to the nurse's station. Derek watched him talk to the nurse who had so far rebuffed his entreaties. Eventually his father handed the woman a card; she took it and disappeared into the back area of the station. Derek's father came back and sat back down. "We should be getting an update on Sam soon."

True to his father's word, less than five minutes later another nurse came out to speak with them. "Mr. John Chambers?" She introduced herself as Mrs. Gorman and said she was the ER nursing supervisor and sat down opposite them. "I just spoke with the doctor's treating Sam. She is stable and not in any immediate danger. They were able to pump her stomach and there should not be any physical complications from her overdose. They have taken x-rays and right now are preparing her for surgery on her arm. The bone broke through her skin and they feel the risk of infection combined with her possible spinal injury is enough of a threat to her life to operate without her guardian's consent."

John nodded his head, "Do they know about her back or spinal cord now?"

Mrs. Gorman shook her head, "There is only so much they can tell from x-rays. She does have compression fractures of some of her vertebra, but I can't tell you which ones exactly or the severity of the fractures. One of the neurologists on staff is looking over them now; he was hoping to speak with you in 60 or 90 minutes. He should have an update on the operation from the orthopedic surgeon as well. Would that be ok?"

"I'd like to be updated in no more than 60 minutes by the neurologist. After that I will want updates every 30 minutes, even if there is no change. Will that be a problem?" Derek knew his father was someone who commanded respect at work, but he had never seen this side of him first-hand. He was glad his father was concerned about Sam and willing to go to this trouble.

"No sir, of course not. I'll see to it myself. Is there anything else?"

"Sam will undoubtedly need to be admitted. Please make sure she has a private room, preferably one of the newer ones."

Mrs. Gorman nodded, "Yes, I'll get started right away on that." She pulled out John's business card, "Is this number on the back your cell number?"

"Yes it is, please use it if I or my son is not right out here."

"Of course. Unless you need anything else I'll get started on arranging that room." Mrs. Gorman stood up and quickly hurried away as if she had something important to do.

Derek looked at his father. "What was all that about? They wouldn't tell me anything."

Derek's father chuckled, "Boeing spends a lot of money in Seattle on various charities, including several hospitals. A lot of money. As a high ranking executive and vice-president I have a lot of influence over how and where that money is spent. I simply reminded them of that fact. I also made sure they understood that Sam Puckett was very important to me; I don't think her care here will be anything but the absolute best."

"Thanks dad. Sam doesn't have a lot of people in her corner. I really appreciate this."

John placed his hand on his son's shoulder. "If Sam's important to you she's important to me and your mom. I'm also fond of her as well. If her mother can't help her, and let's be honest Pam Puckett is a pretty useless parental figure, then it's up to us and her friends to step up."

"That reminds me, I'm going to have to call Freddie and Carly later this morning." Derek sighed; he wasn't looking forward to telling them the bad news.

John stood up, "We have some time to kill before we get any update. How about we get something to drink. I could use some coffee. I'll call Steve in a few hours and we'll tell him first together."

Derek joined his father and they went off to find some much-needed caffeine to keep them going until they received their first update. Derek didn't feel much better about things, but at least he had more information and that helped.

* * *

It was a little after eight in the morning and Sam's neurologist, Dr. Reyes, was giving them another briefing in Sam's room. True to her word Mrs. Gorman had been able to arrange for Sam one of the newer private rooms. By newer Derek thought they must have meant larger or fancier. The room seemed huge; there was a small couch along one wall and a recliner in the corner. The guest chairs near the bed were smaller so they could more easily be moved, but they were still a cut above what was found in the standard rooms of the hospital. On the wall opposite the bed was a 40 inch LCD flat screen. Derek thought his father had really come through for Sam in a big way.

"Sam will be here in a few minutes." Dr. Reyes seemed young to be a neurologist and neurosurgeon, in his mid-thirties. John had made some inquiries, however, and he had an excellent reputation. "She came through the arm surgery fine. A plate was inserted to stabilize the bone and there should not be any complications. She does have a skull fracture, but frankly that's the least of our worries. It's a lateral break and should heal fine on its own. In fact that's what is normally prescribed, lots of rest."

Derek was anxious about her back. "What about Sam's back and spine?"

Dr. Reyes paused before answering, "We really don't know yet. She has multiple compression fractures in the thoracic region of her spine and one in the lower cervical region. Right now Sam appears to be in spinal shock, her spine is simply not functioning well. There was some trauma to the spinal cord and definite swelling, but we can't tell if there's any permanent damage yet. We'll just have to wait for the shock to pass and the swelling to go down. She is on anti-inflammatory injections for the swelling."

John spoke up, "What's your best guess for her long-term prognosis?"

"I'm reluctant to guess. At this moment Sam cannot move anything below her neck, that is bad obviously. There are some positive signs, however. She does have some sensation in her extremities; after she woke up in recovery she was able to feel pressure on her toes and fingers. She also can breathe and swallow on her own, that is an excellent sign too. I just can't tell you anything definite yet, we have to wait and see together."

Derek was not as discouraged after hearing that Sam had some sensation in her toes. That had to be good. "What comes next?"

"For the next several days, at least, Sam's spine is going to be completely immobilized. I don't want to take any chances at all at this stage. She will be in a halo brace and a back brace. That means she will not be able to move her head one bit. Hopefully she will gradually be able to gain more movement in her limbs. There's a chance she will need surgery on her back to stabilize her spine. We'll just have to wait and see on that as well. We should know within a week once the swelling in her spinal cord goes down."

Dr. Reyes stopped as Sam finally arrived. The orderlies carefully pushed her bed into the room and Derek's heart nearly broke in two. Sam looked so despondent, so broken, he couldn't stand it. Her left arm was encased in a huge cast; she had a bandage on her right temple where she had cut herself open, but the worst was the halo brace she wore. The halo brace was designed to prevent any movement of the head and neck whatsoever. The bars surrounded her head; at the bottom they were screwed into a hard plastic brace she wore around her chest. The top of the bars were secured to her head by a series of screws. Upon closer inspection Derek was able to see that the screws were tightened directly into her skin.

Dr. Reyes supervised the setting up of Sam's monitors and IV's. "Sam, I was just filling in your boyfriend and his father on your condition. We talked about it downstairs; do you have any other questions?"

Sam's voice was quiet and small, "No."

"Ok Sam, is there anything you need?"

"Can I speak to Derek alone?"

"Of course, I have some things to discuss with John outside." Dr. Reyes began to walk out of the room.

John stepped over to Sam and carefully kissed her gently on the forehead opposite her bandage. "Don't worry Sam, you are going to receive the best care possible. I promise."

Sam wanted to nod her head but couldn't even do that small thing. A tear escaped her eye. "Thank you."

John followed Dr. Reyes out of the room, leaving Derek alone with Sam. For several minutes nothing was said between them. Sam finally spoke, "I'm sorry."

"It's ok Sam." Derek stood right next to the right side of Sam's bed, opposite the side of her broken arm. "I am just so happy you're still with us."

"I'm barely with you. Maybe you should have let me die."

"Don't say that Sam. You're going to recover and be fine." Derek tried to stay positive for Sam's sake if not his own as well.

"Derek I may never walk again or move my arms. I messed up big time." Sam paused and started to cry, "I'll understand if you don't want to be my boyfriend anymore."

"No, no, NO Sam. I love you, I still want to be with you."

"What if I'm stuck in a wheelchair for the rest of my life?"

"Then I'll push you everywhere."

"What happens when you get tired of pushing me around?"

"Then I'll just have to carry you. I can get one of those papoose things, it'll be fun. You always say that you prefer to be carried around instead of walking."

"Would you really want to be with me in that condition? Do you really love me that much?"

Derek hesitated, he wanted to make sure what he was about to say got through clearly to Sam. "Sam, when I first saw you lying at the bottom of your stairs, I thought you were dead. For a moment I was sure that I had lost you forever. You know what? In that moment I did not want to live any longer. The pain and anguish were just too much to bear. In that moment I figured out that I love you more than I love life itself; I am never going to leave you willingly. Do you hear me? Never. As long as you will have me I am going to be at your side."

Sam began to cry, Derek brushed away her tears. "I didn't want to die, I don't want to die. I don't know why…."

"Sam, it's ok. You have an illness and you can get help for it. I want to help you; will you let me help you get better?"

Sam paused before speaking again, "I'm so sorry. Please help me Derek. I don't know why I feel this way sometimes, but I love you and I want to live."

"I will do anything for you Sam. Anything, I promise."

Sam finally smiled, "Look at my hand."

Derek looked and saw that Sam was able to move the pinky finger on her right hand. Derek hooked her pinky finger with his and smiled himself. Even though the contact was as minimal as possible, it was still the most intimate physical moment the two young people in love had ever experienced.

* * *

**Author's Note. When writing this story I have always sought to present the various subjects discussed in the most realistic way possible. My web browser is filled with links to websites dealing with schizophrenia, gastrointestinal anatomy and surgery, and now spine and spinal cord injuries (thankfully nobody sees my web browser history but me). I always knew there would be times when I would have to sacrifice accuracy for the sake of the story, however. This chapter and the next few will unfortunately have to make that compromise in a place or two. Please still enjoy the story, but don't use this as any sort of primer in regards to spine and spinal cord injuries and care.**

**I know we have not heard from Freddie, Carly, Spencer or Col. Shay in a while. Starting with the next chapter they will be back, I promise.**

**Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to read this story and especially to those who have left reviews. One particular reviewer, Butter, made a persuasive case to kill off Sam because having her saved by Derek calling the EMT's would be too cliché. I would have apologized directly, but there was no link in the review. I agree it is very clichéd, but ultimately I decided that I wanted to tell certain stories that I could not do if Sam died at the end of the last chapter. Please forgive me; sometimes certain clichés simply cannot be avoided.**


	27. Hospital Daze: Sam Puckett

Sam Puckett was running as fast as she could. She was in a vast meadow; there were trees off in the distance and small, colorful flowers spaced intermittently around her. The sun was shining brightly, but the air was not too hot or uncomfortable. Sam would have paid no attention anyway; she was too busy concentrating on her running stride. One knee up and down in tandem with the other, weight pushing off the balls of her feet; her arms pumping furiously. Sam was not being chased, she was not running scared, instead she was running just for the pure joy of the exercise. She never wanted to stop; she felt as if she could run across the entire planet without stopping. The thrill of the movement, the cool breeze whistling past her, the utter freedom to do anything; Sam had never felt so alive or fee.

The scene shifted suddenly and Sam found herself on a dance floor. As is the case in many dreams, Sam was not perturbed by the sudden change in venue. Her mind simply accepted the new reality of the dream. Looking down, Sam saw she was wearing a white wedding dress; a veil was drawn back over her head and she wore those long, white lace gloves over her forearms that did not cover her fingers. Looking around the dance floor she spied Derek; he looked resplendent in a black tux and white shirt, a flower clipped to his lapel.

The DJ spoke over the microphone, "Derek and Sam Chambers will now share their first dance as a married couple."

Sam walked to the center of the dance floor as Derek did the same. He bowed gallantly and offered his hand, a gleeful smile plastered on his face. Sam returned his smile with one of her own and then accepted his hand. Derek led them through their first dance; the grace and beauty of their movements, the sheer love they obviously shared brought tears to the eyes of some of the guests. When they finished everyone assembled began clapping and toasting the happy couple. Sam had never felt so happy or loved.

The scene then shifted again. Now Sam was at a playground. She was wearing jeans and a t-shirt. A girl came up to her, "Mommy, Mommy, can we play tag?"

Sam looked at the girl, she appeared to be around five years old; she had Derek's green eyes and her unruly blond hair. "Ok sweetie."

The little girl squealed with delight and pressed her right hand against Sam's shoulder. "You're it Mommy." Sam's daughter laughed and began running away.

Sam chased after her around the playground, they were the only people there and had full run of the place, coming close to tagging her a few times before backing off. Eventually Sam tagged her daughter and was the one being chased around the playground. Sam pretended to trip and fall on the ground; she was lying on her back when her daughter landed on her and started a tickle fight. They rolled around on the ground playfully tickling each other until the collapsed in a massive heap of giggles.

"I love you Mommy."

"I love you too Mel." Sam had never felt so proud or content.

* * *

Sam woke up from her nap in her near paralyzed state. She could breathe and swallow on her own, and could move the pinky finger on her right hand, but she had no freedom of movement otherwise. She could not even move her head one iota due to the halo brace she wore to keep her neck and upper spinal cord completely immobilized. She could see a large digital clock on the far wall in her line of sight; it read 2:30. The curtains were drawn, but it appeared to be light outside so she assumed it was 2:30 in the afternoon. She wondered how long she had been asleep.

Sam could not see very much of her room. Since she could not move her head she had to rely on her peripheral vision take in most of her surroundings, and her peripheral vision was not good for much. She could hear someone dozing next to her bed. Despite not being able to see the person Sam could tell it was Derek. Of course he was the most likely candidate, but Sam would have been able to tell anyway. They had slept together and she had seen him sleep enough to know what the rhythm of his breathing sounded like. Sam thought about calling to him and trying to wake him up, but discarded the idea. Let him sleep, she thought, she had nothing to do.

The only thing Sam could do to occupy her time was think. She thought about the dream she had just had. Normally Sam forgot her dreams quickly after waking up, but this one was different. This one was sticking in her mind as vividly as if she were watching it on DVD. The dream was at once fabulous but at the same time heartbreaking. The thought of running free, of marrying Derek and having a child, she wanted them so badly right now she could taste them. The chances of her achieving any of them, however, were slim at best, and most likely not at all. She felt like a prisoner in her own body, serving what was to be a life sentence.

As time passed and Sam spent more time thinking she grew more and more depressed in her thoughts. She had told Derek she wanted to live, but was that really the case? Did she want to live her life as a quadriplegic or paraplegic? Even if she did recover fully, how long would Derek want to be with her? How long before he realized she was nothing special? How long before the black cloud she brought with her everywhere else finally rained on Derek?

Sam pondered that last question. She hadn't been able to tell that Carly was sick for a long time. If she had been more attentive maybe Carly could have gotten help earlier and be better for it now. Certainly if she had been more careful Freddie would not have nearly died in the Shay's kitchen. Melanie would still be alive now if she had cared more. Her mother knew that, it was why she did not want anything to do with her now. Tears began flowing freely from Sam's eyes. Without the use of her arms she had no way to brush them away and they pooled in her eyes until overflowing and sliding down the sides of her face. Before long the tears began to sting and hurt, but Sam did not mind that so much. In her mind she deserved whatever pain and punishment she received. The blackness of Sam's depression was starting to take over, much like an oil spill washing over a pristine beach.

* * *

Derek jerked awake, momentarily unaware of his surroundings. Once he saw he was in a chair next to a hospital bed everything came back to him at once. He heard quiet sobbing coming from Sam and leapt to his feet. Sam's eyes were puffy and very red from the buildup of her tears. The parts of her face where the tears had run off her face were also red and inflamed.

"Oh god Sam, I'm so sorry. I fell asleep." Derek ran to the bathroom and quickly got a warm, damp washcloth. He gently wiped away the buildup of tears and worked the warmth of the material on those areas that seemed the most painful. "Does that feel better?"

Sam's voice was quiet and dreadfully unemotional, "Yes."

"Why didn't you wake me up? I wouldn't have minded." Derek finished by dabbing around Sam's eyes.

"I wanted you to sleep."

"Thanks pork chop, but that's ok. You needed me."

Sam stared off in the distance. She wanted to shrug but couldn't even perform that simple movement. After a couple minutes of uncomfortable silence Sam finally spoke, "Did my mother come?"

Derek sighed and looked away from Sam for a moment before returning his gaze to her. "We haven't heard from your mother yet. Aunt Millie and Uncle Jack are here; they're at your house now having the door fixed and waiting for your mother. Millie was here earlier while you were sleeping."

"Did anyone else come?" Sam's voice was sad; Derek hated hearing her like this.

"Freddie and Spencer were here for a while. They kept you company while you slept for a few hours. They said they would be back later, if that's ok."

"What about Carly?"

Derek had hoped Sam wouldn't ask about Carly. When Steven had told everyone what had happened, Carly threw a fit and spent a good two hours in her room sobbing. Not even Freddie could calm her down. When asked if she wanted to go see Sam, Carly shook her head and hid under the covers of her bed.

"Carly…had a hard time when she heard. She wasn't quite ready to come earlier. Freddie is going to try and get her to come later."

Sam tried to cry again but she had no more tears. "Carly knows."

"Knows what Sam?"

"She knows what I'm like. She doesn't want to see me."

Derek started to cry a little himself instead. "No, that's not true."

Sam clenched her eyes shut. "What about mom? She knows; she and Carly know me better than anyone and they won't come."

"Sam, please, do not talk like that. Your mother is…look your mother is a bad mother. Carly has issues, she's just upset, but she'll come around. She loves you, just like Spencer and Freddie and Col. Shay….and me."

"Nobody loves me, there's no reason for them to." Sam's voice was so despondent, Derek couldn't stand it.

"Please Sam, that's not true; please understand how much I love you." Derek began to cry heavily, something Sam had never seen him do. He held her hand as the tears streamed down his cheeks. "Please, you have so much to live for. Please let us help you."

Seeing Derek sob like that gave Sam pause. "Derek, Derek please," Derek looked up at Sam, "You don't understand. Maybe I have so much to live for, I do want to live I think, but I can't help wanting to die. I'm sorry, but I'm just a lost cause."

Derek shook his head and brought Sam's hand up to his lips. He gently kissed her hand, "You're not a lost cause. I'm not giving up on you, and neither will your friends. I promise you, we're going to see that you get the help you need. You're just sick and we'll get you better."

At that moment a nurse came in to check Sam's vitals. After jotting down the numbers in Sam's chart the nurse asked her how she was feeling. Sam gave a non-committal answer but mentioned she was hungry. The nurse said dinner would be there shortly; as she left Derek went and got Sam a pitcher of cold water.

Derek held the straw up to Sam's mouth; she sucked the cold water through the straw quickly and then burped loudly. She couldn't help but smile, neither could Derek. "It's nice to see you're still my delicate flower."

Just then an orderly brought in Sam's dinner. She was not on any restricted diet; it was just cut up into small pieces to help her chew and digest easier. Derek lifted the tray to reveal sliced up ham, applesauce and some mixed vegetables. "You could do worse Sam. You even have jello for dessert."

"Great, now how am I supposed to eat it?"

Derek pulled the tray over closer and grabbed the spoon. He picked up some of the ham, "Just like this, now open up the hangar door like a good girl and here comes the airplane." Derek made airplane noises and guided the spoon into her mouth. Sam was hungry and swallowed the ham; it wasn't the best ham she'd ever eaten, but it would do.

"Do you really want a girlfriend you have to spoon-feed?"

"I want you any way I can get you. Remember, this is just temporary, soon you'll be moving just fine and you'll be able to feed yourself. You'll even be able to wail on Freddie for old time's sake."

Sam smiled between bites of food from Derek. She knew she was lucky; she had the most wonderful boyfriend and friends who loved her and would help her any way they could. She knew she had so much for which to live; she just wished she still did not want to die.

* * *

It was early that evening, a little before seven. Derek was sitting next to Sam's bed holding her right hand and trying to keep her spirits up. After dinner she had complained about the screws attached to her head irritating the skin where they dug into her. The nurse had showed him how to clean the area with a q-tip and some baby soap. Derek cleaned the rest in this manner and applied a little powder. This helped Sam relax a bit, but her mood was still worrisome.

Derek thought it was understandable for Sam to be depressed. She was currently, and hopefully just temporarily, paralyzed and her twin sister had recently died. What worried him more were Sam's shifts in mood and talk of dying. She could smile or laugh, like when she burped after drinking too fast, and then five minutes later talk about wishing she had succeeded in her suicide attempt. Sometimes he could talk her mood back up, but he was not always successful right away.

What Derek was discovering was that Sam's mind was hurt much the same way her spine was. She needed treatment for her depression, that was certain, but Derek did not know how to help her until she began treatment. If she had a broken leg he would know to keep it elevated; if her feet hurt he would rub them until they felt better; if she had a headache he would bring her aspirin. All he could think to do now was keep trying to reassure her that he loved her and that plenty of other people did as well.

He was stroking her hand when a text message caused his phone to beep. Looking at his phone he could tell it was Freddie; he opened the message and read the contents. "Sam, that's Freddie. Is it ok if he and Carly come to see you?"

"Carly wants to come?" Sam's voice actually perked up at that.

"That's what his text says. Hold on." Derek texted back and told them they could come right away. "They should be here soon. Do you need anything?"

"Could I have some water, please?" Sam's throat was prone to getting dry she was discovering. If she was going to be talking to Carly and Freddie she wanted to be hydrated.

"Of course, wait here, I'll get some fresh cold water."

"Don't worry, I can't get far."

Derek grimaced as he realized his mistake. "Sorry, poor choice of words."

"It's ok, I think I would kind of feel better if we can joke about this a little bit."

Derek quickly returned with the fresh pitcher of water. He held the straw up to her lips and she drew long gulps. She had been thirstier than she realized; when she finished she let out her loudest burp yet. "Oops, sorry."

"It's ok Sam, at least we know your diaphragm works." Derek carefully positioned himself over Sam so that his lips were over hers, not an easy feat. He kissed her lightly on the lips. "I love you Sam Puckett. I don't care how loud or how often you burp."

Sam actually smiled, "You say that now, but wait until Thanksgiving dinner. So, should I change before Carly and Freddie get here?"

"Nah, you look hot enough already."

"Ok, I'll take your word for it."

Derek went back to sitting next to her bed and stroking her hand. He hoped Freddie and Carly would get there soon while Sam's mood was good. He was teasing Sam's pinky finger when there was a soft knock on the door. Freddie and Carly had arrived. They walked into the large hospital room holding hands with Carly slightly behind Freddie and to his right.

Sam tried to smile, "Sorry if I don't get up."

Freddie had seen Sam earlier when she had been sleeping. He knew what to expect and was not shocked at her appearance. Carly had not and was having difficulty coming to grips with Sam's condition. Carly had always known Sam to be so vibrant and dynamic; even when she was laying on a beanbag chair or the couch in her living room; she always still seemed to be ready to burst with energy. Now all of those qualities seemed gone. She was pale, and being completely immobilized, seemed so broken. The sight of the halo brace screwed directly into Sam's head sickened her.

Carly started to shake; she had been scared to come, but knew she had to. Sam was her closest and oldest friend. Carly wanted to be strong for Sam's sake; she put the voices in her head down and let go of Freddie's hand. She went to Sam's bedside; Derek moved to make room for her. "I'm so sorry Sam. How do you feel?"

"I screwed up big time Carls. You know me, always getting into trouble." Sam paused a moment. "I really can't feel too much of anything. I can move my right pinky and feel some sensation in my other fingertips and toes, but that's it for now."

Carly spoke softly so that only Sam could hear her clearly, "That's not what I meant."

Sam did not answer Carly, instead she spoke to Freddie. "Freddie, could you do me a favor? Could you take Derek to get some dinner? I don't think he's eaten all day."

Derek answered Sam, "Are you sure sweetie?"

Sam was positive, "Yep. Don't worry, besides, me and Carly have some girl stuff to talk about. Freddie, you make sure he eats something, don't take no for an answer."

Freddie smiled. Sam could be a near quadriplegic and still have enough attitude to bark orders. "Yes ma'am. Come on Derek, you heard the woman."

Derek took Sam's right hand and gently kissed her pinky, the one part of her body below her neck she had full movement and sensation. "We'll be back a little later."

Once Freddie and Derek were gone and it was just Sam and Carly in the room, Carly spoke. "I'm really sorry about today Sam. I should have come earlier; I just had a hard time with what happened."

"Don't worry about it cupcake, I was fast asleep anyway. I guess all Spencer and Freddie did was sit with Derek and watch me sleep. Sounds kind of creepy when you think about it."

"Sam, I still should have been here. You've always been there when I've needed you. You're my invisible ninja, you know." Carly sat down in the seat next to the bed.

"Right now I'd make a pretty poor ninja. I can't even feed myself or wipe away my own tears."

"Have you been crying a lot?"

Sam had not been expecting that question. "Yes, pretty much at any given time. It's hard not to with this condition."

Carly kept her eyes locked on Sam. Sam did her best to keep her eyes on Carly. The two of them had been friends for so long, even closer than friends, when it came right down to it. They had shared everything; clothes, makeup, food, personal space. Their closeness had even transcended the physical; Sam and Carly had always shared their feelings, hopes, dreams, and fears. There was nothing the two of them had not shared; they were as close to each other as their respective siblings. As a consequence they could communicate with each other very well in ways that were non-verbal. Carly knew what Sam was really thinking.

Carly held Sam's right hand in both of her own. "You don't mean the spinal injury, do you?"

Sam tried to shake her head no, but momentarily forgot she could not move her head. She recovered and answered verbally, "No."

Carly held Sam's hand close to her. "I know how you feel."

"Really?"  
"Sam, I've tried to kill myself twice within the past year. I know what it feels like to want to be dead."

"I…I don't know what to do. I have things I want to live for, but at the same time I feel like I want to die so much. I can't put this into words Derek can understand. I…I…" Sam began to cry, as much out of frustration as anything.

Carly saw a box of tissues next the bed, she took one and began dabbing at Sam's eyes. "It's ok Sam; you don't have to explain it to me. I get it and know exactly how you feel."

Once Carly was finished Sam spoke, "You really do?"

Carly flashed one of her best smiles. She was no longer nervous and had stopped trembling; she took Sam's hand and held it close to her body. "Yep, I know very well how you feel. You know what? I still love you Sam. You're my sister and that will never change. I will always love you no matter what. Just like Derek, Freddie, Spencer. We all love you no matter how sick you might be."

Sam didn't know what to say. She had always felt so alone with her depression, Carly may have guessed she was depressed but Sam never said it out loud. "Thank you."

"Sam, you can tell me, you can tell us, anything at all. Anything, got it?"

"Got it cupcake. Can you do me a favor? There is some water over there somewhere; I'm thirsty, could you please get it for me."

Carly held the straw close to Sam's lips so she could suck from it. The fact that her best friend could not do anything as basic as drink water without this assistance broke her heart a little bit, but she still felt better about things. Carly had no doubt Sam's body would heal; her mind was tougher, but Carly thought if she could get through what she had been through the past year then Sam could get through this. Sam was the toughest person Carly had ever known and she had never let her down. If she needed a little help then Carly was glad to provide what help she could. Carly did not tell Sam this, but deep down it felt good to Carly to be able to help someone else heal instead of being the one who was always helped.

* * *

It was the next day, Saturday morning, a little before 11:30. Derek, Freddie and Carly were laughing with Sam, who was doing the best she could in her present physical state. Sam was in an upbeat mood. Derek had spent the night on the recliner, which pulled out into something of a bed. Sam had promised to call for him if she needed anything. She had only done so twice; once to scratch an itch on her chin, the other time for some water. She did not come right out and say it, but she was afraid to be all alone for the night in the hospital and was grateful Derek could be there.

To improve matters further, Sam discovered she could move her right hand, instead of just her pinky finger. She was not able to move her left hand due to the heavy cast, but was able to wiggle her fingers. For the first time Sam felt like maybe she would not be living the rest of her life as a quadriplegic. Dr. Reyes was ecstatic, though he did his best to temper Sam and Derek's expectations.

Sam was explaining how happy she was that she would at least be able to give people the finger when Derek's father, mother, Col. Shay and her aunt Millie came into the room. They had gone to breakfast together and were just returning.

John, Derek's father, spoke first, "Everyone seems to be in a good mood."

Freddie replied, "Sam's just showing us how she'll always be able to express herself fully now that she has full use of her hands."

"Would you like a demonstration?" Sam's voice was happier than it had been in a long time.

"No," Carly and Derek said in unison.

"Derek, why don't you take Freddie and Carly to lunch." John peeled off some twenties. "The grown-ups would like a chance to visit with Sam for a while."

Derek took the money and kissed Sam's hand, "See you soon." Carly and Freddie squeezed Sam's hand in turn and followed Derek. Soon it was just the four adults with Sam. Aunt Millie took the chair closest to Sam's bed, John and his wife sat on the couch and Steven Shay sat on the recliner.

The four of them had spent breakfast talking about Sam and her issues with her mother. It had been close to a day and a half since Sam's accident and she had still not contacted anyone or gone home. There were important medical decisions that needed to made and Sam needed her mother for her consent if nothing else. John and Steven had broached the subject with Millie of petitioning the court to have Pam replaced as Sam's guardian, with her as the logical replacement. Would she be willing to become Sam's legal guardian?

Millie said she would, but there were two problems. One, Pam might not be willing to relinquish custody without a fight; even if only out of pride and spite. Two, she did not think moving Sam from Seattle to Spokane was necessarily the best option. All of her friends were in Seattle, whatever support system she had was in Seattle also. Ultimately, Millie thought maybe they should talk about all this with Sam and see what she thought.

Thus the four adults found themselves with Sam and some important items to discuss. John was about to get started when a sudden voice surprised them from the door. Pam Puckett had finally made her appearance.

"My god Sam, what happened?" Pam's hair and clothes were disheveled; the smell of alcohol permeated her very existence and filled the room. She ignored everyone else in the room and pushed Millie out of the way to get to Sam's side. Sam was repulsed by her mother's smell, but had no recourse.

"I…fell down the stairs mom." In the back of her mind Sam had thought her mother was never going to show up, she was still surprised to actually see her here.

"What is this they have you in?"

"She is in a back brace and a halo brace to keep her spine immobilized." Dr. Reyes answered her question as he entered the room. A nurse at the duty station had alerted him to Pam's presence and he had hurried as fast as he could. "We are seeing improvement in her upper mobility but we'll keep the halo brace on for at least another day or two. On Monday she will have another MRI and we'll get a better idea of the extent of the damage to her spinal cord."

Pam looked at the cast on Sam's left arm. "Did she break her arm?"

"Yes, Sam suffered a compound fracture which she had surgery for early yesterday. A plate was used to stabilize the bones and she should be okay in roughly six weeks."

Pam sighed, "Is there anything else?"

"She does have a skull fracture which is not too severe. She's also been referred to a psychiatrist to deal with the aftermath of her suicide attempt and depression."

Pam looked upset. "Her what?"

Dr. Reyes was surprised Pam had no idea about what Sam had done. "She took an overdose of Lexapro and Vicodin with alcohol. This led to her falling down the stairs."

Pam grew furious; she turned on Sam. "You…tried to kill yourself. Why would you do that? You hate me that much you would try and hurt me like that."

Sam tried to defend herself, "I'm sorry mom. I wasn't trying to hurt you."

Pam was not dissuaded, "Oh really? Then why did you go into my medicine cabinet and take MY VICODIN? You really wanted to embarrass me, didn't you? You wanted to kill yourself as a way to show the whole world what a bad mother I am."

Sam started to cry. "No mom…I don't know why I did it."

"I know why. You did it because you're an ungrateful daughter who would do anything to hurt me. Maybe you should've finished the job."

Millie interjected, "Pam! What are you doing?"

Pam did not hear what her sister said since she had stormed out of the hospital room. For a second there were hardly any sounds in the room at all. Then Sam's voice, quiet and seemingly so timid, pierced the silence. "I wish I had died. I'm sorry mom." For half a heartbeat Sam's words hung in the air, then Millie and Derek's mother rushed over to her. Sam was crying as hard as she possibly could.

As Millie and his wife tended to Sam, John came to a decision. Sam's words had cut him to the bone. Sam had good friends; Derek, Freddie, Carly and Spencer were good friends to have, but none of them could stand up to Sam's mother. What Sam needed was someone to stand up for her; in that heartbeat John decided he would be that person. Derek took after his father in that neither of them was easily flustered, and John did not lose his temper. His wife knew the subtle signs when he was angry, however, and when John stormed out of the room after Pam she mouthed the words "he's pissed" to Steven.

John caught up with Pam just before the elevators. "Pam, wait."

Pam was a tall woman who did not shrink from confrontation. She held her ground with John, "What do you want?"

"What is your problem? What the hell were you doing back there?" John was doing his best to keep his temper under control.

"It's none of your business. It's between me and Sam." Pam stayed defiant.

"The hell it isn't. I've held my peace but no more. Pam, I understand you're hurting. I can't imagine the pain of losing a child, I don't know what I would do if I lost my son. But you know what? You have another daughter; a beautiful young woman who is hurting so much and needs you now more than ever; her body and spirit are broken. There are important decisions to be made for her and you need to make them."

Pam thought about what John told her. "What if I can't make them?"

"Then step aside and let someone else make them."

"Who? You want the job?" Pam pointed to Dr. Reyes, who had just approached with Steven. "Can you make it so he makes Sam's medical decisions?"

"Yes, there are some forms you would have to complete and sign. John, are you willing to take on that responsibility?"

John looked at Pam, who refused to meet his gaze. "Yes."

Pam looked relieved. "Let's get it done then."

John didn't want to go anywhere with Pam Puckett, "I'll be in Sam's room. Just bring the papers there and I'll sign whatever I have to."

John slumped against the wall as Pam and Dr. Reyes walked down the hallway. He saw him give some instructions to a nurse on station and then disappear with Pam into an office. Steve approached and placed his hand on John's shoulder. "John, are you ok?"

"Yeah, I guess that solves one problem. Let's go see Sam."

The two men found that Sam had calmed down somewhat, but was still crying softly. John sat down next to Sam and held her right hand. "Sam, I have to talk to you about something. I was just speaking with your mother; she is having a tough time coping right now and isn't sure she can make good decisions for you. If it's ok with you, I'd like to take on that responsibility. I promise you I will do everything I can to help you get completely better. Is it ok with you if we do that?"

Sam's voice was weak and sad. "You should just let me die."

Every adult in the room started to cry just a little bit. "No Sam, WE will not let you die. You are too good a person with far too much potential. Your soul is beautiful Sam; you just need some help getting better. Do you trust me to help you make those decisions?"

Sam stopped crying long enough to say "Yes" as she squeezed John's hand. A nurse came into the room then with a sedative for Sam. Dr. Reyes had given instructions to the nurse; he thought Sam needed to calm down and sleep. The nurse gave Sam the injection and she quickly fell asleep.

* * *

Sam awoke in a fog. The last thing she remembered was her mother screaming at her and Derek's father telling her he would help. She shifted her eyes and looked around the room. She was surprised to see Freddie sitting next to the bed instead of Derek. "Freddie, is that you?"

Freddie was startled, but only momentarily. "You're awake. Do you need anything?"

"No. What…"

"Derek's not here. Right now he is with Carly and his father getting you some supplies. They'll be back later, but I'm going to stay with you tonight."

"Why? Derek's ok with that?"

"I explained to Derek how you took care of me when I was in the hospital and that I wanted to help take care of you now. I told him it was important to me and he is cool about it."

"Well ok, but don't go kissing me when I'm asleep."

"Too late, I tongue kissed you for a good hour while you were passed out earlier."

Both of them laughed. "Thanks Freddie."

"No problem Princess Puckett. Just so you know we're not going to leave you alone. It might be tougher when school starts back up again, you may have to settle for Spencer and Col. Shay during the day, but we'll do our best. We're all going to take good care of you."

"You're a good friend Freddie. Thank you so much."

"It's ok, just let us take care of you for once. Now, how about I read to you for a bit? I have Boogie Bear Takes Manhattan or Boogie Bear the Final Revenge."

"Final Revenge. Sounds violent." Sam relaxed as Freddie started reading to her. She found the sound of his voice soothing and she started to feel better about things again. Maybe she was clinically depressed and could barely move any of her limbs and might never walk again; at least she had friends who cared about her. She was finally feeling good about the future again.

* * *

**Author's Note. I'm sorry this chapter was delayed for a few days. This was actually very difficult for me to write; discussing Sam's issues with depression really hit home for me and I had to take a break for 24 hours. When I started again I reworked much of what I had already written to finally arrive at what you just read. Let it be said that I am willing to suffer for my art and your enjoyment. **

**Thank you to everyone reading and following this story. Special thanks to all my reviewers. Please feel free to send me a message if there is anything you wish to discuss or comment on in private.**


	28. A Day In The Hospital Life

**Author's Note. Sorry for the delay in updating. Things have been busy for me and part of this chapter was difficult to plan out and write. I should be able to update more quickly now that things are about to calm down. I also have been lax in responding to my reviews, I apologize and promise to catch up and do better. Please enjoy.**

* * *

Sam woke up early on Sunday morning, her third day in the hospital. She was still immobilized by the back and halo braces but could clearly see the large digital clock on the far side of the room. 4:30 a.m. the clock read; Sam sighed and looked around the room as far as her eyes could take her without moving her head. The lights in the room were dim, but Sam was able to see the changes that had been made the previous day.

Carly, Derek and Derek's father had gone shopping for a blu-ray player and several of Sam's favorite movies and TV shows. In addition they had found movie and ultimate fighting posters she liked, to decorate the room with and help her feel more at home. There were also several vases of colorful flowers set up in the room. Mrs. Benson, Spencer and even Gibby and Tasha had sent colorful bouquets.

Sam took note of Freddie sleeping on the pull out recliner. Sam did not want to be alone and nobody wanted to leave her alone. It was initially agreed that Derek and Freddie would alternate spending the night with Sam so nobody would get too exhausted or over-tired. This plan had gone well until it was actually time for Derek and Carly to go home and Derek balked. He just did not feel comfortable leaving her after what happened the night of Melanie's funeral.

Sam had to ask to be alone with Derek. Once they had privacy Sam begged Derek to go home and get some sleep. She told him she needed him rested and healthy, that she had to rely on him for so much. When that did not sway him immediately, she actually resorted to crying. She wasn't proud of having to fall back on the old teen girl standby of crying, but she was paralyzed and did not have many weapons left in her arsenal. Luckily Derek couldn't handle them and finally agreed to sleep at home.

Freddie had proven to be a dutiful and conscientious nurse; partly because he was a kind and caring person in general and partly because he was afraid of what Derek would do to him if he failed to care for Sam properly. Derek really did not have any reason to worry; Freddie knew he was deeply indebted to Sam for how she cared for him when he was hospitalized. The very least he could do was help take care of her the best he could. He was fortunate that he was not alone. Besides Derek; Carly, Spencer, Col. Shay, Derek's father and even his own mother were ready to help nurse her back to health.

Sam quietly sighed. She felt an itch on her chin and absent-mindedly scratched it with her right hand, carefully maneuvering her arm through the bars of the halo brace. The itch scratched, Sam decided to try and fall back asleep. As she was starting to drift off the thought suddenly hit her, "_I scratched my chin!"_ Sam flexed her right arm, her movement was not entirely steady, but she seemed able to move it in any direction she wanted.

When Sam was first able to move her right hand previously, the nurses had set up a call button where she could reach it. Sam quickly began pressing the button repeatedly as she started calling out for Freddie. "Freddie, Freddie, Freddie."

Freddie woke up groggily, but to his credit was able to clear his head quickly. He scampered over to Sam's bedside, "What's the matter Sam?"

"Nothing, look!" Sam moved her right arm in an up and down motion. As she was demonstrating her newfound mobility her duty nurse came into the room.

"Are you ok?" The nurse asked.

"Yes, look," Sam managed to eke out in her excitement as she repeated her demonstration.

The nurse, Sam could not remember her name, smiled. "That's great; I am going to call the intern on duty for you. They should be here soon." The nurse turned and left the room.

"Maybe I should call Derek? This is pretty big news, Sam."

"Don't you dare Freddie, Derek needs to sleep. He's a lot more exhausted than he is willing to admit. He can find out when he gets here later."

Freddie kept Sam company and got her some fresh water as they waited for the doctor to arrive. It was not long before one of Dr. Reyes' interns; Dr. Lee Sam thought she remembered, came into the room followed by the nurse.

Dr. Lee smiled as she walked over to the bed. "I've been told you've got some movement back." Dr. Lee was even younger than Dr. Reyes, she seemed to be in her early thirties Sam thought. Sam still liked her, she always had a smile when she checked on Sam and that was always appreciated.

Dr. Lee had Sam move her right arm in a series of directions. She then asked Sam to hold her arm straight for as long as she could. When she finally grew too tired to hold her arm up Dr. Lee moved over to her left arm and asked Sam to try with that one. Sam was not able to move it very much; she could feel her arm trying to react to her commands, but the cast was just too heavy. Dr. Lee told her it was ok and moved to her feet. She poked the soles of Sam's feet and as well as each of her toes. Sam was able to feel the sensation, but could not move her legs and could just barely wiggle her big toes. Dr. Lee told Sam this was good news; she was going to let Dr. Reyes know right away and she was going to try and move up Sam's MRI to later that day.

"What about the halo brace? Can this come off?" Sam hated that brace with a passion.

Dr. Lee was non-committal, "I'll discuss it with Dr. Reyes. For now we should keep it on until your MRI."

Sam frowned, her disappointment clearly etched on her face. "Ok, if you say so."

Dr. Lee sighed to herself and took pity on Sam. "I shouldn't tell you this just in case, but I have a feeling that after your MRI that halo brace will be coming off. But don't tell Dr. Reyes I told you, it'll be our secret." Dr. Lee smiled at Sam.

Sam managed to crack a small smile of her own. "It's a deal."

* * *

It was later that morning, almost eleven, when Dr. Reyes entered Sam's room with the results of her MRI. Sam was nervous about the results; ever since she had spent nearly a half hour in that small tube while the test was conducted, her thoughts had been repeatedly coming back to the reality that this could be when she was told she would be a paraplegic the rest of her life. She desperately did not want to spend the rest of her days in a wheelchair; she did not know if she had the strength to live that way.

Dr. Reyes asked if everyone could leave except for John, Derek's father. He had come to the hospital with Derek when they found out about her new mobility and subsequent MRI. Sam was nervous and said she wanted Derek to stay as well. Dr. Reyes had no problems with that; Freddie and Carly wished Sam luck and said they would be back later.

When it was just Sam, Derek and his father, Dr. Reyes began. "I have some good news and some bad news." Derek had sidled up next to the right side of Sam's bed and taken her hand. At the mention of bad news Sam squeezed his hand. "The good news first; the swelling of your spinal cord has come down greatly and the fracture of your cervical vertebra appears stabilized. This is why you have movement of your arms and upper body."

"Can this brace come off?" Sam asked hopefully.

Dr. Reyes nodded, "I think we can take that off. You will have to wear a more conventional neck brace for a while, but you can take it off to bathe and it will be much more comfortable than the halo brace."

Sam smiled then remembered there was bad news and her smile disappeared. "The bad news?"

"It's your legs and lower body mobility. The MRI showed a bit more damage to your lower thoracic vertebrae. Here, let me show you're the results." Dr. Reyes pulled out the correct pages with showed a very detailed picture of Sam's spinal cord and vertebrae.

"See here," Dr. Reyes pointed out an area with his pen where the vertebrae were crooked. "These vertebrae are fractured more seriously than the ones in your neck; they are pressing against the spinal cord here. We are going to have to operate on your back soon, tomorrow morning I think."

John spoke for the first time, "Is this causing Sam's paralysis?"

"Most certainly yes."

Sam was hopeful again, "So if you operate I'll be able to move my legs?"

Dr. Reyes chewed on his lower lip for a second. "This is where the bad news comes in. The truth is we don't know if the surgery will allow you to walk. For certain if we don't operate you will never walk again, but we can't know if there is permanent damage to the cord until after we operate."

"So what are my chances of walking again Doc?"

Dr. Reyes shook his head, "I can't tell you for certain Sam. You are young and otherwise very healthy; I have high hopes that you will regain your full mobility. I won't kid you, though, it will not be easy. You will have a lot of hard rehab and physical therapy ahead of you."

John interrupted, "Sam, don't worry about your rehab. I promise that no expense will be spared and we'll help you all we can. Let's just take first things first. Right doctor?"

Dr. Reyes agreed, "Yes, that is a good idea. Sam, you need this surgery regardless of your mobility. If we don't operate your spine will certainly just get worse. At least with the operation you will have a fighting chance. So are we in agreement on the procedure?" When everyone agreed Dr. Reyes continued, "I have reserved a surgical suite for tomorrow morning. The operation will be at six. Mr. Chambers, can you be here at five? Since you are the one authorized to make decisions for Sam it would be best if you were."

"Of course I can be here."

"Very well then. I will leave you for now; there are other arrangements I have to make. I will be by later to check on you and we will go over in more detail exactly what we are going to do tomorrow."

Sam was relieved to at least have a chance; that she was not told walking again was a lost cause. "Thanks Dr. Reyes, you'll know where to find me."

Dr. Reyes smiled, "Yes I will. In the meantime I am going to send Dr. Lee to remove that halo brace. That's good news I think."

Sam and Derek spoke at the same time, "It sure is."

* * *

Sam was watching television absentmindedly early that afternoon with Derek while Freddie and Carly were checking out the iCarly message board when a woman Sam did not recognize walked into the room. Everyone was used to various nurses and interns coming in and out of the room and no one paid the woman any attention at first. Eventually she cleared her throat to announce her presence.

She addressed herself to Sam, "Sam Puckett? I'm Doctor Monica Hendricks. Would it be ok if we talked alone?"

Sam paused before answering and looked at Dr. Hendricks closely. Dr. Hendricks was in her late 30's or early 40's with brown hair down to her shoulders. Her eyes were a piercing green; for a moment Sam thought she was looking right through her. It was a somewhat unsettling feeling for Sam even though Dr. Hendricks was not a physically imposing person. She was only a few inches taller than Sam and had a thin build.

"Are you a shrink?" Sam's tone was somewhat accusatory.

"I am a psychiatrist."

Sam looked around the room; from Derek to Carly to Freddie and finally back to Derek. Derek nodded his head barely imperceptibly, just the barest of motions. Sam met Dr. Hendricks' gaze with her own. "Ok, I don't suppose I have any choice in the matter."

Dr. Hendricks shook her head, "it shouldn't be long; this is just a short talk to introduce ourselves. Say 30 minutes."

Sam knew there was no point in arguing, she reached out and took Derek's hand, "It's ok; why don't you and Carly and Freddie go get something to drink. I'll text you when we're done."

Derek squeezed Sam's hand before kissing her on the forehead and leading Carly and Freddie out of the room. Sam and Dr. Hendricks were now alone.

"May I sit down?" Dr. Hendricks motioned to the seat Derek had occupied.

"Sure, it's not like I can stop you." Sam did her best to maintain a sense of bravado in spite of her present medical condition. She would not want to admit it, especially to herself, but she harbored some of the same doubts about psychiatry as her mother.

Dr. Hendricks arranged the chair so it was more in Sam's direct line of sight. Sam had more mobility since the halo brace was removed, but it still hurt her neck to keep it turned for too long in any direction. "So Sam, why don't you tell me about yourself?"

Sam was determined to keep some leverage in the conversation. "You first. I don't know anything about you."

Dr. Hendricks nodded, it was easy to see what Sam was doing and she had no problems with it. "Ok, Sam, that's fair. My name is Monica Hendricks, you can call me Monica or Mon if you want. I am 39 years old and was born in Atlanta, GA. I went to college at Emory University in Atlanta where I graduated with honors. I went to medical school at Johns Hopkins and did my residency there as well. I focus on adolescent mental health issues, especially anxiety and depression."

"Why are you here? Is this something the hospital has to do? I can't see my mother agreeing to this."

"No, I have never met your mother. Patients who make a serious suicide attempt and are admitted to the hospital do have to be seen by a psychiatrist; that is true. Adults who are not cooperative can be held for up to 72 hours against their will for evaluation. That is not the case here and I sincerely hope you will cooperate with me."

Sam sighed, she really had not been looking forward to this part of her hospital stay though she knew in the back of her mind it had to be coming. "Are you on staff here? Did you treat Carly Shay?"

Dr. Hendricks shook her head. "No, I did not treat Carly, I am not actually on the staff here at the hospital, though I do have admitting privileges. I have a private practice and was asked to see you by your boyfriend's father."

Sam felt like she should have realized that. "He shouldn't have bothered. He worries about me too much."

"I don't know if that is the right choice of words. I would say he is concerned about you, much as his son and your friends are as well. They all want you to get better."

"I don't need your kind of help. I don't want it; I'll get better on my own." Sam fixed Dr. Hendricks with a defiant glare.

"I see, are you sure about that? You did try and kill yourself Sam. That is very serious. I know you did not succeed this time, but you did cause some serious damage." Dr. Hendricks nodded towards Sam's currently useless legs.

Sam grew angry, "So what. I messed up; I messed up big time. It was just a stupid mistake. I don't need to see a head doctor."

"Why is that Sam?" Dr. Hendricks would normally have used a patient's full name, but she had been warned by Derek's father that Sam would not react well to that.

"Because….because I'll get better on my own. I always have before."

"Ok, so you have suffered from serious bouts of depression before."

"I did not say that." Sam looked away from Dr. Hendricks, realizing her error.

"I think you did Sam. Can I ask when your last bout of depression was before this?"

Sam refused to face Dr. Hendricks. She glared off towards the other side of the room. A few minutes of uncomfortable silence followed; Monica did not say anything to break the silence, she knew from experience it was best to let the patient continue at his or her own pace. She knew she could wait longer than Sam.

Sam finally broke the silence. Still looking away from Dr. Hendricks she spoke, "Last fall. I had broken up with my…boyfriend; I think maybe you could call him, under unusual circumstances. He was dating my best friend, Carly, who was very sick at the time." Sam turned to face Dr. Hendricks, "I was lonely and, well I was just lonely. I got pretty depressed."

Dr. Hendricks was pleased that Sam was finally opening up some. "Did you think about harming yourself or even killing yourself?"

Sam hesitated before answering, "Yes. I thought about suicide, but I never did anything about it. I just…thought about it sometimes."

"Thank you Sam, I appreciate you sharing that with me. You should know, and I want to make this perfectly clear, anything and everything you tell me as a patient is confidential. I cannot share it with another person. You can be as honest with me as you want, nobody will know what we talk about."

"Look, doc, I don't think we need to get into a whole patient/doctor thing. I'll get better like before. I'm not sick or anything."

"Sam, I think I have to disagree."

Sam's voice rose with agitation, "What? I'm not allowed to get depressed? My sister, my twin sister, dies and I'm not allowed to be depressed?"

Dr. Hendricks kept her voice calm, again she was used to patients growing quick to anger and was not upset. "Of course you are allowed to be depressed about the death of a loved one. Trying to commit suicide, however, is not a healthy reaction. It hints at a mental illness, clinical depression in this case."

"Fuck you, I don't need a shrink."

Dr. Hendricks did not answer right away. She simply stared at Sam, who kept her eyes locked on Dr. Hendricks'. They were in the midst of a standoff and Sam was determined not to lose. After a couple minutes of silence and Sam glaring, Dr. Hendricks spoke. "Sam, can I ask you a question? If your appendix was infected, or had already burst, would you try and remove it yourself, or would you go to a surgeon?"

Sam answered in a tone of voice that was meant to be condescending, "Of course not. I can't operate on myself, that would be stupid."

Dr. Hendricks could not help showing the tiniest of smiles. "So tell me then, Sam, why it isn't just as stupid for you to try and treat your own clinical depression? Trust me, it's not much different from trying to take out your own appendix. You need a professional to treat you and help you get better. This is not something you can do by yourself."

Sam cursed under her breath. She really did not have a good comeback for that. The thought entered her mind that if she slipped up the next time she really might succeed in killing herself. Even though she was having plenty of thoughts lately about wanting to die, there was a part of her that did not want that. That part of her might not be very large, but it was persistent and did not want her to die. Sam started to cry, Dr. Hendricks handed her the box of tissues on the nightstand next to her bed. Sam dabbed at her eyes and when she finally stopped sobbing she asked, "If I become your patient will you get me to stop crying all the time? I used to never cry in front of anyone, but now I cry all the time for no reason."

Dr. Hendricks smiled. "If you promise to take your therapy seriously then I think we can do something about your uncontrollable fits of crying."

Sam exhaled, "You have a deal."

"I'm glad to hear it. I am looking forward to getting to know you better. I know you're pretty tired now and the nurses will be in here soon, how about if I leave. Let's have our first session say on Wednesday? I've been told you are having surgery tomorrow."

"Sure, fine with me. I have nowhere to go."

* * *

Sam was lying on her hospital bed in the inpatient surgical prep area. John was sitting next to her. She had wanted Derek to be there as well, but was told that only one person could accompany her. Since there were some papers to sign and Derek's father was the adult who could make decisions for her, it was decided he would be with Sam instead of Derek. Derek had been disappointed, but realized the logic and walked with Sam as far as he could when she was taken from her room. After kissing her on the lips and squeezing her hand he went off to the surgical waiting area to sulk and wait for his father.

Sam had never had surgery before where she was awake beforehand and found herself to be nervous, despite whatever drug the nurse had given her that they gave to all patients to calm them down. "Mr. Chambers?" Sam called out to John.

John smiled, "Sam, I think Mr. Chambers is a little formal, don't you think? How about you call me John?"

"Ok, John. Can I make a confession? Please don't tell anyone, but I'm scared."

John wanted to laugh, of course she was nervous, who wouldn't be in this situation? He saw the serious look in her eyes, however, and knew laughing would not be a good idea. He took Sam's hand in his own, "It's ok Sam, your secret is safe with me."

"Thanks. For everything." Sam squeezed his hand tighter.

"It's ok and it's perfectly normal for you to be scared now."

"I hate showing any weakness and lately that's all I've been; weak and helpless."

"Sam, you're going through a very tough time, that's for sure. Still, I don't think you're being weak; on the contrary, I think you're the toughest and bravest person I know."

"You don't have to say that, I know it's not true." Sam was forlorn.

John shook his head and spoke sternly, "That is not true Sam Puckett. Not one bit. You just need someone in your corner to stand up for you. It should be your mother, but she is having a tough time now too."

Sam did not want to think of her mother. "She's never been that kind of mother. It makes me wish I had a father."

"Can I ask what happened to your dad?"

"He died when I was six. Car accident. It wasn't long after that mom's drinking got worse and well…."

John gave Sam's hand a gentle squeeze. "It's ok, I understand."

"I guess you're the closest thing I have to a father in this world."

John didn't quite know why, but his heart swelled with pride. "If that's what you need I'm glad I can be here for you. Who knows, not to put any pressure on you, but maybe someday I really will be your father."

"That would be nice, I really do love Derek; I love him a lot, I just wish I was…I just wish I was good enough for him, and for you."

"Good heavens Sam, why would you say that? Derek adores you." John was truly surprised.

"It's just…my family comes from nowhere and we don't have any money and…I guess I worry you think I just love Derek because you have money. You've done so many things for me, but I can't do anything for Derek, or for you."

John suddenly understood what Sam meant and could easily empathize. "Sam, can I tell you a quick story?"

"Sure."

John paused and composed his thoughts before he started. "Sam, I was born in Albany, NY. My father drove a truck and my mother taught grade school. We did not have much money. I always wanted to go to college and worked hard to earn scholarships to some pretty good schools. I eventually went to MIT in Boston. While there I met my future wife; she was a student at Wellesley. Her family was quite wealthy and somewhat prominent. I did not doubt that she liked me, but I still felt like a fish out of water whenever we were with her family. I always felt like they thought I was only interested in their daughter for their money."

"We had been dating about a year when her father took me on a fishing trip. It was just the two of us on a boat in the middle of the nowhere. I had been struggling thinking of things to talk about when he told me something I've never forgotten. He told me that he knew I didn't come from any money, and that he knew it bothered me, but that I shouldn't worry about it. He told me that I gave them the greatest gift they could ever receive; I made their daughter happy. No amount of money or wealth could ever top that, he said."

"Sam, you make Derek happy. It doesn't matter that you might not have any money, or that you family might not be prominent, you have already given us the greatest gift you possibly could; you make our only child happy."

At that moment the nurse came into the bay to take Sam to the operating room. John stood up and kissed Sam on the forehead, "Good luck kiddo. You'll do fine, and thanks for everything."

Sam looked up at John, "Your welcome, and thanks….Dad."

* * *

**Author's Note. I make no promises as to if and when Sam walks again. You will just have to continue reading, sorry. Thanks to everyone reading and reviewing this story; a special shout-out to who left the story's 200****th**** review earlier this evening. I really appreciate any and all feedback; either in a review left on the site or a personal message sent to my account. Thanks again. Please be well.**


	29. Recovery Starts With The 1st Step Part 1

**Author's note. Sorry for the super delay in updating. Things were extremely busy for me at work the first few weeks of October, but the rest of the time was me trying to figure out how to handle Sam's therapy. This is part one, there will be second part that deals with the start of Sam's physical therapy and continues the two other plot threads introduced. I hope you enjoy.**

* * *

Sam was sitting up in her hospital bed, Spencer diligently drawing a sort of mini-mural on the cast that covered her left forearm. It was three days since her recent back surgery and she was in something of a good mood. Dr. Reyes had said the procedure went as well as it possibly could and that all they could do was wait and see how much mobility Sam gained in her lower body. In the three days since, Sam had recovered enough mobility that there was little doubt she would be able to walk again; it was now just a matter of when. Sam still did not have fine motor control over her legs, which would be developed with many hours of painstaking rehab, which was supposed to begin the next morning.

Derek was sitting on the other side of Sam's bed studying for the SAT's he was taking in a few short weeks. Sam's state or no, academic life had to go on and he and Freddie were scheduled to take the exam at the same time. He studied silently, not wanting to distract Spencer's work. Carly had quietly slipped out when Spencer arrived and Freddie had gone off looking for her.

When Carly broke her arm earlier that year Spencer decorated her cast with unicorns and various motifs Carly enjoyed. It managed to cheer her up and make the cast seem less of a reminder of her near-death experience in Montana. Now that Sam was finished having her arm operated on, it seemed a good time for Spencer to do the same thing for her.

He was just putting the finishing touches on a small mural of Girly Cow eating various pork products when Dr. Hendricks arrived for their first session. Spencer quickly packed up his art supplies, said his goodbyes to everyone, and made his way out of the room. Derek left his study materials on the table and kissed Sam on the lips before saying goodbye. He managed to tell her that he was proud of her under his breath and his sentiment brought a smile to her face.

* * *

While Sam was beginning her session with Dr. Hendricks, Spencer was hurrying through the halls of the hospital. He had spent far more time in the hospital over the past 9 months than he cared to think about and he wanted to leave as quickly as possible. He truly did not mind coming to see Sam, but otherwise did not wish to spend any more time there than was necessary.

Spencer's mind was somewhere else as he sped through the hospital. He rounded a corner without looking or paying attention. Suddenly and without warning he found himself lying flat on his backside amid a pile of art supplies. It took Spencer a moment to get his bearings; he noticed that he had run into a woman. For a second Spencer thought that maybe he needed to start working out if he could be knocked flat like that by a woman, but then he noticed she was an attractive woman, and those thoughts were quickly put aside.

"I'm sorry miss, I should have been paying attention to where I was going." The woman appeared to be in her mid to late 20's and had strawberry blond hair. Spencer couldn't quite discern her figure since she was wearing a pair of overalls (Spencer imagined it was quite nice) but her face was gorgeous.

"No, it's my fault, I'm running late and wasn't looking where I was going. Are you ok?" The young woman got to her knees and began gathering up art supplies. Fortunately none of the paint containers had opened up.

Spencer managed to get to his knees to help gather up his supplies. "Yeah, I'm fine. You?"

"I'm ok. Thanks."

For a moment the two of worked to gather up the markers, brushes, paints and other assorted supplies. Eventually they both reached the same conclusions and actually spoke the exact same words at the exact same time. "Some of these supplies aren't mine."

Spencer spoke first, "Are you an artist?"

The attractive woman replied, "Yes, I'm painting a mural in the pediatrics wing. You?"

"Uh, I'm visiting a friend."

"Oh, and you bring art supplies everywhere?"

"Uh…no, I was painting her cast. I am an artist, sculptor mainly. By the way, my name is Spencer Shay". Spencer held out his hand.

The young woman smiled and took his hand. "I'm Karen Sanders, nice to meet you."

All the sudden Spencer was no longer in such a hurry to leave the hospital. "I feel responsible for making you even later. Could you use some help with your mural?" Spencer gave his best smile.

It seemed to work. Karen returned his smile with one of her own, "No way will I turn down help from someone so handsome."

"You should be careful, you wouldn't want your boyfriend or husband to hear you talking like that."

"I'm single Spencer."

"I am so glad to hear that."

* * *

Freddie had been going over something with Derek when Spencer arrived. Carly had quietly said goodbye to him and he followed a few minutes later. He had assumed she was going to the cafeteria, but when we went there she was nowhere to be found. He had no good idea where she could be and started to check places in order of what he thought was most logical.

From the cafeteria he went to the gift shop. No Carly there. Then it was the maternity section, didn't all women like looking at the newborn babies? No Carly there either. He tried a couple other places with no success and even went to the in-hospital chapel even though Carly was not religious in the slightest. She was not there either. Growing frustrated, Freddie wondered if she had gone to the psychiatric ward for some reason. It was hard to see her doing that, but then Carly was prone to erratic and sometimes unfathomable behavior.

Freddie started walking towards the psych ward. He had to pass by the plastic surgery section of the hospital. As he was walking past the waiting room for the section he spied a familiar mane of dark brunette hair. Carly was sitting with her back to him; she appeared to be reading a pamphlet.

"Carly? What are you doing here?"

Carly was startled by Freddie's sudden presence. She quickly tried to put the pamphlet aside where Freddie couldn't see it. "Nothing, I'm just sitting here."

Freddie sat down next to Carly. "Come on Carls, you know there's nothing you can't tell me. What's the matter?"

Carly shrugged and reluctantly pulled the pamphlet from where she had stashed it and handed it to Freddie. "This."

Freddie looked at what Carly handed him. It was material on scar removal. "Carly, why wouldn't you want to show this to me?"

Carly looked embarrassed, "It's…well…I know you hate this scar. I was thinking of trying to have it removed, but I can't afford the procedure. Insurance won't cover it and I don't want to ask my father for the money."

Freddie was sitting to Carly's left. He rested his right arm on the back of Carly's neck and turned to face her. "Carly, I love you so much, I don't care about that scar."

Carly adjusted her position so she was facing Freddie, "It's ok, I know you'd prefer a girlfriend who didn't wear so many turtlenecks and scarves."

Freddie laughed softly, "Carly, I wouldn't care if you wore a Snuggie or burlap sack 24 hours a day. There is nobody else on this planet I would rather be with than you. Nobody."

"This is a pretty ugly scar Freddie."

"What about my scars?

"It's different for guys; your scars are kind of….sexy." Carly blushed, she remembered gushing to Sam about Griffen having scars a few years previous.

Freddie shook his head, "Some things never change I guess." Carly looked towards the ground, Freddie continued, "Carly, please look at me."

Carly obliged and Freddie drew her close to him and kissed her tenderly on the lips. She was surprised at first but quickly granted Freddie access to her mouth. After a minute they broke the kiss off and Freddie gave Carly a peck on the nose. "Carly, I will always love you no matter what. If you want to have that scar removed I'll do my best to help you. But do it only because you want to do it; don't do it for me."

Carly looked hopeful, "Are you sure?"

Freddie didn't say anything right away. He untied Carly's scarf and pulled the fabric from her neck. Her scar stood out in stark contrast from the rest of her fair skin. He leaned over and kissed his way along its length. "Carls, I am very sure."

Freddie stood up and held his hand out to Carly. "Come, let me buy you lunch and show you off." She smiled and gladly took Freddie's hand. He led her out of the waiting room while making sure to pocket the pamphlet Carly had given him.

* * *

"How are you feeling Sam?" Dr. Hendricks pulled a chair over next to Sam's bed, but not too close.

"Better, it looks I'll eventually be able to use my legs." Sam tried not to betray how uncomfortable she was feeling. She did her best to maintain a casual tone of voice.

"That's wonderful Sam. It must be a huge relief for you." Dr. Hendricks pulled out a notebook and started taking notes, "Do you mind if I take notes?"

The thought of Dr. Hendricks taking notes frightened Sam for some reason, but she did not want to hint that she might be scared. "Fine with me."

"Thanks Sam. Now, I know this is uncomfortable but we have to talk about it; your suicide attempt." Dr. Hendricks never took her eyes off of Sam.

"Do we really have to? I…I wasn't really trying to kill myself."

"Interesting Sam. What were you trying to do?"

Sam hesitated before answering and sighed loudly. "I guess I was trying to put myself in Melanie's place. I wanted to know how she felt just before she…."

"Before she killed herself Sam?"

"NO! Before she….died." Sam, to her credit, did not take her own gaze off of Dr. Hendricks.

"I see. You reacted strongly to my assuming Melanie killed herself. Why is that?"

"Because she didn't kill herself. The doctors said her death was accidental. She DID NOT kill herself." Sam let some of her frustration show.

"Do you believe that Sam?"

"Sure, if the doctors said that's what happened why shouldn't I believe them?"

"You're entitled to your own opinions Sam. Do you think it is possible Melanie might have intentionally killed herself?"

Sam didn't say anything for a few moments; she was clearly mulling something over in her mind. "No, Melanie could not have killed herself." Sam did not sound convincing, even to herself. Dr. Hendricks was certainly not fooled.

"Sam, why would it be so difficult for you to accept that Melanie may have committed suicide?"

Sam looked over Dr. Hendricks' head as a lone tear escaped her right eye. "If Melanie killed herself then what kind of sister, what kind of person, does that make me? I had finally been growing closer to her in the past year and a half; hell, I was her IDENTICAL twin. If she was truly suicidal, if I couldn't sense her pain, then what does that say about me? Maybe I deserved to be the one who died."

Dr. Hendricks felt like Sam was starting to make a bit of a breakthrough. "Sam, why would you think that? Yes, you were Melanie's sister and twin, but that does not make you omnipotent. Even trained professionals like myself have difficulty telling when a person may try and kill themselves. There is no way you could have known."

"I should have known. Like I told you the other day, I have had bouts of depression before and thoughts of killing myself. I should have known Melanie might have them too."

"And because you could not foresee Melanie dying, you think you deserve to die?"

Sam started to cry a little heavier. "Maybe."

Dr. Hendricks shook her head, "No Sam, you do not deserve to die. You may think you do, but I don't think it's ultimately because of what happened to your sister. I think you've felt that way for a long time."

"Why would I feel like I deserve to die if not because of Melanie?"

"Sam, I hope you don't mind, but I've talked to your boyfriend and a couple of your friends; Carly and Freddie. They all told me that deep down you are a loyal and caring friend, but usually mask those traits with aggressive behavior and bullying."

Sam was shocked. "How dare they…"

"Please don't be mad with them Sam. I sought them out and told them it was important for your well-being if I knew more about you before we started our sessions. I told them nothing about what we might talk about."

Sam was only slightly mollified, "I'm still pissed."

"Sam, can I ask you about the hyper-aggressive behavior?"

"It sounds really bad when you put it like that doctor. All I did was mess around with Gibby and Freddie."

Dr. Hendricks raised an eyebrow. "I think maybe it was a little worse than that. Didn't you break Gibby's thumb and push another boy out of a tree?"

Sam was not proud of some of the things, ok many of the things, she had done in the past. Those acts were among them. "Ok, I give up. I was a mean bully and a rotten person, but I'm not proud of it and I've been trying to stop."

"That's good Sam, but do you know why you bullied people?"

"I don't know, I guess it felt good at the time." Sam rarely thought about why she did the things she did, she was not used to that sort of introspection.

"Is it possible you were a bully as a type of defense mechanism?"

"I don't get how."

"Well Sam, didn't you break Gibby's thumb after he asked you to a dance?"

"Yeah, so, I didn't want to go to the dance with him. He was such a nub then."

"When you were at your worst as a bully, how many people would you say you were truly close with? How many people could you confide in or just be yourself?"

Sam thought about that for a second, but knew the answer immediately. "Just one I suppose, Carly. Maybe her brother a little bit, but not really."

"Ok Sam, why do you think that is? Why didn't you let Freddie or Gibby or anyone else get close to you?"

"Who knows, I just didn't want to be friends with nerds like those two then. It's not because I was afraid of getting hurt."

Dr. Hendricks smiled, she had mentioned nothing about Sam worrying about getting hurt. Sam made that connection with no help from her. Dr. Hendricks did not say anything, instead she waited for Sam to realize what she had said and its importance.

It took Sam a little bit of time, but she finally realized what she had said, "So you think I beat people up and bullied them because I was afraid of getting hurt by them first?"

Dr. Hendricks shook her head again slowly, "No Sam, it's not what I think, it's what YOU think. You're the one who made that connection and you would not have done so if you did not think it was at least a little bit true."

"It doesn't make any sense."

"Yes, in a way it does make sense. You have such a low opinion of yourself you just assumed any person who tried to get close would wind up trying to hurt you. You took to bullying them first as a defense mechanism; if they couldn't get close they couldn't hurt your feelings. The only person you let inside completely was Carly."

"So I beat people up and think I deserve to die because I have low self-esteem?"

Dr. Hendricks could not help but smile. "That is exactly what I am saying."

"Then why have I stopped bullying and acting so aggressively so much lately?"

"There are a few reasons for that. One, you are getting older and channeling your negative feelings about yourself in different ways, most likely in ways that are more internal in nature. Two, you have had romantic relationships in the past year. People in relationships tend to feel better about themselves in general."

Sam pondered Dr. Hendricks' words; they seemed to make sense to her. "So as long as I'm still seeing Derek I'll get better."

"No Sam, it's not quite that easy. Your lack of self-esteem is still a problem, especially when combined with what I feel is clinical depression. You did try and kill yourself and that needs to be dealt with."

Sam looked glumly at the ground. "I'm pretty messed up aren't I?"

"No Sam, I wouldn't put it that way. We're just at the beginning of a long process that will involve more therapy sessions and probably some medication as well, ok? Please don't be so down on yourself; it's only your first session and you have already come to one important realization."

"What's that?"

"You figured out that you will not get better until you learn to do one important thing: learn to love yourself."

* * *

**Author's note. I hope the beginning there was worth some of the wait. I was sort of blocked in writing the part with Sam's therapy. I was also dreading that section as well. Sometimes things are scary to write and that was one of them. I hope you understand. Thank you to everyone has been reading this story and the updates should be coming a little quicker now.**


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